Calling it out

I want to get some things out.  I’ve had a decent week. I have some great tools that I have learned over the past several months on how to deflate the lust that is constantly building up. That is how is seems…the lust just naturally builds up. Every thought, every look/glance…it just builds and needs to feed and consume.

The only thing I can counter it with is with truth. With reality. And sometimes this involves calling it out. I have to call it out exactly.  I do this in 3 ways.  I write it out.  I have a little notebook next to my computer at work. Yesterday morning I got triggered by a link to Macy’s. It kills me bc I know there are links to attractive models and clothes and worse items of clothing. I clicked. And looked.  It was immensely appealing. But I declared to myself what I was doing and why I was doing it.  What do I get out of this?? i closed it down (and you addicts know how hard closing the browser can be) And it felt empty. I wrote it out.  I validated my feelings. That I do in fact like viewing that stuff.  I am attracted to it. But then I expressed what I was really feeling.  The feeling under the action.  I crave true intimacy.  Yes, I would like to be in a healthy, intimate marriage. And you know what…there may be times my future wife feels the same.  I actually felt the spirit thinking about that. It ended up not being a trigger for me. To think about the joys and the pureness of what true union and intimacy bring…all this ‘taking’ and ‘lusting’ doesn’t do a DANG THING. It leaves me more empty.

It isn't my desire to be a good, passionate, kind husband some day.  It isn't my desire to have pure marital intimacy.  It is the unnatural craving/obsession/addiction for it.  Lust is asexual. It doesn't care how its fed. It could be alcohol, food, sex, porn.  it truly is cunning and baffling.

Second way: tell god. Tell him EXACTLY how I am feeling and what I am doing. Sometimes just doing this, jostles the brain of how absurb the act is.  Really? Looking at garbage at work and being tempted to act out right there??? Reset the sobriety?? I'm going to feel better about myself after giving in??  Is this time going to be different??  Yeah, doesn’t sound like a good idea then.   Then it is important for me to plead and pour out my soul. I let it go.  He knows. He knows what I’m thinking. He knows that the neurons and chemicals in my brain are out of whack. He knows that. BUT HE WANTS ME TO KNOW IT AND TELL HIM!

Third way: telling someone else. I want to isolate so badly.  I want to slink away and not have anyone be involved in my life. I want to push them out and tell them to deal with their own lives.  And that is exactly when I make a call. J  The White Book talks about that a lot. I called a friend at 7 am, at 1030 am, at 6 pm, and at 830 pm.  I also went to my SA group meeting. I had a bad attitude. I didn’t want to be there and didn’t want to be an addict. I didn’t want to share or say anything.  So what did I do…I shared. And felt the power of a sincere surrender to the group.  We mortals are not meant to suffer alone. Or have joy alone.  What’s the big deal?? Ask yourself…if someone in need called me right now, would I listen to them?? You bet I would.  Well, I think most people feel that way.

Blast, there is so much more I could write about.  I don’t want this to be too long. Who wants to read a long, run on blog post??? Ahaha.  Well, I’m feeling good today.  I made an appointment with my therapist that I haven’t seen since March. I need some additional help. And counsel on what to do next with my life and mostly with the dating situation. Back to the front!

Battle continues...

I know everyone is posting happy Merry Christmas posts but sadly my addiction doesn't seem to give me a break! (i say that with sarcasm!)

I feel pretty good right now. Monday was a mess. It was one of the rougher days i have had in a long while.  My emotions were super off all day.  And looking back... i didn't properly surrender them to God. Sure, i made three phone calls.  Sure, i called my sponsor.  I even went to the library after work and did one hour of writing my inventory.  Here is the issue with a fourth step inventory i realize.  It brings up alot of frustrations, and angers, and resentments.  Man, i thought i was a pretty chill guy, and maybe I am, but when I got writing about certain topics I REALLY could feel the emotions behind them.  The part that i didn't do was the analysis of seeing how those events/principles/persons affect different aspects of my life and also which defects it reveals.   Maybe I am not quite getting the purpose of reliving all this crap....but it is supposed to free us of it and to flush out what are the root causes.  Well, it certainly unveiled a few. Not sure what I do with them.  I commit to keep writing and then do that 5th step....i don't have any fears about that bc I have a great sponsor and a great bishop. But in any event, the whole night was a frustrating battle...and before i wen to bed i gave up fighting. And reset my sobriety. :(


More fears/panics that I had to very audibly surrender in my car today while driving to work include the same old emotions for me.  This whole giving up dating, giving up the obsession of dating for the next long while is still really annoying and really painful.  It depletes me.  I am tired of being alone. I'm tired of being single.  And what makes it worse...I am fully capable of getting dates, and working a relationship.  But that's just the part that I have to come to terms with....I can't feel normal love with this addiction. THAT IS WHAT I HATE MOST!! My mom handed me this Ensign article as i was heading out the door to go home the other night....it was labeled "Agency and Love in Marriage."  It's all about love, and choosing to love, and developing the qualities of charity. I'll be honest, it upsets me. It upsets me that I suck at love. (I'm awesome at lust.) Then all the shame, the self-labeling, the ultimatums (i'll never be able to feel true love), and all that frustrations rear their heads.

I had to stop myself.  I had to look at it straight. This is mortality. This is what i have to go through.  I really can't whine about it. Regardless of the past, and regardless of "how bad the future can get", i just have to put my energies in to today.  I am going to have to let go. Let go of the fact that I can't date.  I can't do relationships.  I have to watch others enjoy it. Watch my older brother raise his four awesome cute kids (p.s. I love kids and want to have my own very badly).  I have to let that all go.  I crave the trust and committment and affection that I had in my last relationship.  I have to let that go.  I have to let go of the fact that there is a girl in my life RIGHT now who wants to be in a relationship with me, and I want to be in with her....but i now can't.  And who knows if she wants to wait around for months.  And i can't even tell her right now except for "well, i am working on some things right now in my life...i'm just not ready for a relationship."  Are the girls buying this???  Let. It. Go.  But when I look at it fairly and honestly, looking past myself....do I really have a full, pure heart to offer her?? Do I have stable emotions?? Do I have a brain that functions normally??  I don't. And that isn't self-bashing. It's just being honest. And I can be okay with it.

I desire sobriety today. I desire recovery. I'll do what I have to. Slowly but surely things are getting better. In many ways. This isn't easy by any means. It's bloody bloody hard. But I am getting better. Still sick, but getting better.  (Heck, i didn't give into the desire to binge for the next 3 days....)

Day 2 today...

What addiction has taught me!

So I was inspired by Nate Q's post

Why doesn't God just take it away? Why does it need to drag out so long?? Seriously, i've been going to SA meetings over 2 years now. I've done my therapy. I've done alot. What more?? Why not now??

I can say that this addiction has robbed me of so much in life...that it took opportunity and happiness away...and whether there is so merit in that...God is teaching me his gospel.

Here is what i have learned:

It is hard learning. But I am now much more willing and submissive. I am more patient (day at a time is frustratingly slow). I have to live more in the moment of each day,  I have to be present and aware of what I do each day.  I don't get to take little lust hits or daydream or fantasize.  I have immense compassion on people who struggle with ANY form of addiction. I understand more about the process of real repentance.  I now connect with my emotions and I TALK to others about them. I have to pray more, be closer to God. I have learned that importance of honesty and to confront the whole truth of issues.  I now enjoy connecting with others, even other men in personal and sometimes vulnerable ways.  I realize that in order to stay sober I have to live by gospel principles: love, humility, kindness, peace, being calm, letting things go, forgiving, allowing forgiveness.

This addiction has taught me the whole gospel.  And you know what...I have A LONG way to go. But I guess that is okay.  I still have to take this one day at a time. I still have to work the steps (which in reality...are simply working the atonement).

Day 30 today (well, it will be 30 when i complete the day....I go by how I finish each day).  I can't even think about tomorrow...I only have to live a life of sobriety and recovery TODAY!

Stresses and fears

I need to get out some things that are setting me up for triggers.  So lately at work, things have been a little dicey.  I made some mistakes (legit mistakes) and they caused me alot of stress last week.  I had to write in my moment-to-moment inventory journal like 3-5 times every day. And make lots of calls.  I am so powerless against inense emotions it isn't funny.  I die without some sort of surrender or gaining strength from others.

I don't like making mistakes.  I don't like to let people down.  I like to be effective and productive at all times.  Right now, all these worries and stresses are distracting me...which leads to be less effective and productive which adds more stress.  Stupid spiral.  I don't like to get hung up on things.  I like to be cool and composed.  For the most part....I am.

A friend told me yesterday that he admires my ability  to not whine or complain about life but to find the positive.  I honestly try to do that....but in the spirit of honest recovery, i need to get out that I am not only powerless against lust but also over my negative emotions.

I am taking a moment to pray, rest my mind, get my stresses out, and to let them go to God as much as I can.

I remind myself that I just need to tackle one task at a time. Just go down the list.  Be thorough and accurate and not stress over the future.  I can't control the future. I can make decisions wisely and correctly today. Right now. Just need to do my tasks now.  I let go of anything other worry.

I'm still struggling to let go of dating. This is more complicated (or so I think) and difficult than i realized.  If i break contact with girls that I am chatting with....what do i tell them??  "uh, i need a break from dating...but i still like you..."  Actually, it really is that easy.  but then I worry about hurting them, or confusing them, or making them feel not important, or all these things I really can't worry about.  I can't worry about that!!!  I went to a party last night and a really cute girl started up a conversation with me. It was really enjoyable. We became friends on facebook right after when we got home and she gave me her number.  AH! Now I have to NOT date her, even though i would LOVE to.  Can i go out once then dump her? Should I just call her up and say "thanks for the chat and giving me your number, we obviously hit it off good and i think you are attractive, but alas I'm addicted to porn and my recovered sexaholic sponsor says I can't date right now. Sorry"

Not to mention a girl that I have already gone out with twice and talk to often whom i REALLY like.  This is a tough sacrifice. I'm kinda in the middle....still chatting but not getting serious...it confuses them and it frustrates me.

i also had a long chat with my mom about addiction stuff on Saturday  She doesn't get why I can't just stop. She asks "Don't you hate this? Don't you want to stop?? Why is this still a problem? Forsake! Forsake this....it is part of repentance."  She's right....my willpower and desires should be enough. I must still find pleasure in pain. I must still like it enough otherwise i would give it up.  Telling my mom that I am powerless over lust....doesn't make a lot of sense.  Doesn't make much sense to me at times.  "lust is cunning, baffling...."

AND....my sponsor is going through ROUGH times right now himself...especially with his marriage and also things from his past. I feel really bad. But i am needy and need the support.  I'm hitting walls with the 4th step. Not making time....but know i should.  It is this thorn in my side...


More stresses from all this to be added for sure..... such is life.

 I desire sobriety today. I desire it. Just for today. I will do what i have to in order to stay sober today. Day 28 today.

A new freedom

So i made a tough decision this weekend but I feel much peace about it.  I feel i've actually managed to let God's will dictate and not mine. I resisted. A good 30 hours straight. I surrendered.

I have decided to ACTUALLY give up dating. Not just say that I am and then go out with girls telling myself "What? We're just friends....this isn't a date."  I am also going to let go of trying to call and to get them to like me.  I prayed all day Saturday about it and received no peace. I went to the temple Saturday night and still had no peace, not even there. I fasted and did an extra long fast. No peace. I got home from church and wrote it all out. Talked to a wise friend in the program. I decided not to tell this girl all my history and past. I didn't feel peace with that option. I wrote her an email that I need to get some things sorted out and that relationships aren't in my best direction RIGHT NOW. I made no promises about the future either. I went down to see her. We had a great time. had dinner. I like this girl. My will is to pursue her and try and get her to like me more.  I am going to give it up.  And she is being understanding about it. (Girls are freaking amazing....how am i just figuring this out??  I used to be so fearful of their reactions)

I feed off attention from females. I'm addicted to it I guess. I admit that here. I'm not necessarily after sex (i'm a virgin). Never even seen a girl naked. In fact, I have never once deliberately touched a girl inappropriately.  Yay for me, right? I deserve to be applauded, right? :)   But i thrive and obsessess over the attention.  The spirit has been working on me that I need to be willing to give that up.  I am not well right now. I will be. I will.  But I had to be willing to give up my will to let God's dictate.  But in my mind...."dating is totally fine! How is this a bad thing?? I only go out with good LDS girls. I don't do anything inappropriate. What is the big deal?" 

The problem here is not my attraction to girls. The problem is not my desire for closeness, trust, and intimacy. The problem is my emotional and mental obsession for female attention to fill a void, or seek some sort of validation from them.

I must let God fill that. Not anyone else. No human being on this planet ought to do that. This is why i crashed after my last break up.

I can no longer think to myself, "i'm going to rack up sobriety days...so that I can get a girlfriend...and then she will be able to like/love me becase I have sobriety."

Nope. I do this for ME.  I do this bc it is my mortal purpose. Sure, i have that future wife in mind. Sure, I have my job in mind.  I even have to let go of all future worries and expectations. I have to embrace the idea that I am going to plan and work for TODAY. I can be sober today.  I know how to win one day. It's not really based on my willpower. (even though i like to think I am a man of great willpower).  I'm like a little toddler who needs to hold his mommy's hand to cross the street. No sense crying about that.  Whatever it takes to cross the street!!!

Day 21 today. ODAAT

Huge breakthrough in recovery

I need to share some more things.  I had a huge yet emotionally painful breakthrough today.

I've had some trouble detaching from things i'm obsessesed about and fully letting go of my will.  Anoni Mouse provided me some fantastic insights to some concerns i shared in my last post.

Two weeks ago my sponsor challenged me to give up dating. To let go of these dependent relationships. I had just broken up with someone and I wanted to tackle dating all over. I was going over the top. That same weekend I had 4 dates planned. Yes, 2 on Friday and 2 on Saturday. It was brilliantly orchestrated. I thought I was "god's gift to women."   I cancelled all 4 and I deleted my online dating account.

There was one particular girl that I didn't want to give up.  I like this one. alot. We chatted effortlessly on the phone for hours. Every night. I went out with her last week. Good times!  We had a date planned for today.

Last night and also this morning, i had a distinct feeling (a knot) that I needed to let her go. I needed to cancel the date.  I need to be willing to follow my sponsor and give something up.

I was frustrated!! I've had to do this many times before! Arg!! I wanted to go out with this girl.  I daydreamed all week about how we're going to get married. (All this fantasy and anti-reality).  I had to let it go.  i've been telling God over the past few weeks that I desire sobriety and that i'll turn my will over to him. It works. It really really works.

But what about this?? about dating??   (I'm not even using it for sexual motives!!!)

So i texted the girl (i wasn't ready to try and explain it all in a phone message).  I cancelled. It really sucked. She was a little confused and sad. She accepted it but I could tell that she was sad bc we had clicked so well. That hurt. I cried. I bailed and bailed. All the while, I was driving to an SA meeting. It was a great meeting.

The spirit of recovery was there.  I talked with two different guys afterward.  Just like Anoni Mouse told me....you have to completely give up.  I am so beaten. I am so powerless.  I cannot do this alone.  Not even relationships can heal me.  Not even good, beautiful relationships can heal me.  Not even my own God-give intellect and talents can heal me.  ONLY GOD CAN!!!

I am now ready and willing to let Him.  His will be done.  (if he tries to get me to give up cycling....I'm going to really throw a little tantrum.  I gave up riding on Sunday but not altogehter!!)

Day 19 today. I only have to do what it takes to be sober and in recovery TODAY. (what a relief!)