Huge breakthrough in recovery

I need to share some more things.  I had a huge yet emotionally painful breakthrough today.

I've had some trouble detaching from things i'm obsessesed about and fully letting go of my will.  Anoni Mouse provided me some fantastic insights to some concerns i shared in my last post.

Two weeks ago my sponsor challenged me to give up dating. To let go of these dependent relationships. I had just broken up with someone and I wanted to tackle dating all over. I was going over the top. That same weekend I had 4 dates planned. Yes, 2 on Friday and 2 on Saturday. It was brilliantly orchestrated. I thought I was "god's gift to women."   I cancelled all 4 and I deleted my online dating account.

There was one particular girl that I didn't want to give up.  I like this one. alot. We chatted effortlessly on the phone for hours. Every night. I went out with her last week. Good times!  We had a date planned for today.

Last night and also this morning, i had a distinct feeling (a knot) that I needed to let her go. I needed to cancel the date.  I need to be willing to follow my sponsor and give something up.

I was frustrated!! I've had to do this many times before! Arg!! I wanted to go out with this girl.  I daydreamed all week about how we're going to get married. (All this fantasy and anti-reality).  I had to let it go.  i've been telling God over the past few weeks that I desire sobriety and that i'll turn my will over to him. It works. It really really works.

But what about this?? about dating??   (I'm not even using it for sexual motives!!!)

So i texted the girl (i wasn't ready to try and explain it all in a phone message).  I cancelled. It really sucked. She was a little confused and sad. She accepted it but I could tell that she was sad bc we had clicked so well. That hurt. I cried. I bailed and bailed. All the while, I was driving to an SA meeting. It was a great meeting.

The spirit of recovery was there.  I talked with two different guys afterward.  Just like Anoni Mouse told me....you have to completely give up.  I am so beaten. I am so powerless.  I cannot do this alone.  Not even relationships can heal me.  Not even good, beautiful relationships can heal me.  Not even my own God-give intellect and talents can heal me.  ONLY GOD CAN!!!

I am now ready and willing to let Him.  His will be done.  (if he tries to get me to give up cycling....I'm going to really throw a little tantrum.  I gave up riding on Sunday but not altogehter!!)

Day 19 today. I only have to do what it takes to be sober and in recovery TODAY. (what a relief!)