Stresses and fears

I need to get out some things that are setting me up for triggers.  So lately at work, things have been a little dicey.  I made some mistakes (legit mistakes) and they caused me alot of stress last week.  I had to write in my moment-to-moment inventory journal like 3-5 times every day. And make lots of calls.  I am so powerless against inense emotions it isn't funny.  I die without some sort of surrender or gaining strength from others.

I don't like making mistakes.  I don't like to let people down.  I like to be effective and productive at all times.  Right now, all these worries and stresses are distracting me...which leads to be less effective and productive which adds more stress.  Stupid spiral.  I don't like to get hung up on things.  I like to be cool and composed.  For the most part....I am.

A friend told me yesterday that he admires my ability  to not whine or complain about life but to find the positive.  I honestly try to do that....but in the spirit of honest recovery, i need to get out that I am not only powerless against lust but also over my negative emotions.

I am taking a moment to pray, rest my mind, get my stresses out, and to let them go to God as much as I can.

I remind myself that I just need to tackle one task at a time. Just go down the list.  Be thorough and accurate and not stress over the future.  I can't control the future. I can make decisions wisely and correctly today. Right now. Just need to do my tasks now.  I let go of anything other worry.

I'm still struggling to let go of dating. This is more complicated (or so I think) and difficult than i realized.  If i break contact with girls that I am chatting with....what do i tell them??  "uh, i need a break from dating...but i still like you..."  Actually, it really is that easy.  but then I worry about hurting them, or confusing them, or making them feel not important, or all these things I really can't worry about.  I can't worry about that!!!  I went to a party last night and a really cute girl started up a conversation with me. It was really enjoyable. We became friends on facebook right after when we got home and she gave me her number.  AH! Now I have to NOT date her, even though i would LOVE to.  Can i go out once then dump her? Should I just call her up and say "thanks for the chat and giving me your number, we obviously hit it off good and i think you are attractive, but alas I'm addicted to porn and my recovered sexaholic sponsor says I can't date right now. Sorry"

Not to mention a girl that I have already gone out with twice and talk to often whom i REALLY like.  This is a tough sacrifice. I'm kinda in the middle....still chatting but not getting serious...it confuses them and it frustrates me.

i also had a long chat with my mom about addiction stuff on Saturday  She doesn't get why I can't just stop. She asks "Don't you hate this? Don't you want to stop?? Why is this still a problem? Forsake! Forsake this....it is part of repentance."  She's right....my willpower and desires should be enough. I must still find pleasure in pain. I must still like it enough otherwise i would give it up.  Telling my mom that I am powerless over lust....doesn't make a lot of sense.  Doesn't make much sense to me at times.  "lust is cunning, baffling...."

AND....my sponsor is going through ROUGH times right now himself...especially with his marriage and also things from his past. I feel really bad. But i am needy and need the support.  I'm hitting walls with the 4th step. Not making time....but know i should.  It is this thorn in my side...


More stresses from all this to be added for sure..... such is life.

 I desire sobriety today. I desire it. Just for today. I will do what i have to in order to stay sober today. Day 28 today.