Battle continues...

I know everyone is posting happy Merry Christmas posts but sadly my addiction doesn't seem to give me a break! (i say that with sarcasm!)

I feel pretty good right now. Monday was a mess. It was one of the rougher days i have had in a long while.  My emotions were super off all day.  And looking back... i didn't properly surrender them to God. Sure, i made three phone calls.  Sure, i called my sponsor.  I even went to the library after work and did one hour of writing my inventory.  Here is the issue with a fourth step inventory i realize.  It brings up alot of frustrations, and angers, and resentments.  Man, i thought i was a pretty chill guy, and maybe I am, but when I got writing about certain topics I REALLY could feel the emotions behind them.  The part that i didn't do was the analysis of seeing how those events/principles/persons affect different aspects of my life and also which defects it reveals.   Maybe I am not quite getting the purpose of reliving all this crap....but it is supposed to free us of it and to flush out what are the root causes.  Well, it certainly unveiled a few. Not sure what I do with them.  I commit to keep writing and then do that 5th step....i don't have any fears about that bc I have a great sponsor and a great bishop. But in any event, the whole night was a frustrating battle...and before i wen to bed i gave up fighting. And reset my sobriety. :(


More fears/panics that I had to very audibly surrender in my car today while driving to work include the same old emotions for me.  This whole giving up dating, giving up the obsession of dating for the next long while is still really annoying and really painful.  It depletes me.  I am tired of being alone. I'm tired of being single.  And what makes it worse...I am fully capable of getting dates, and working a relationship.  But that's just the part that I have to come to terms with....I can't feel normal love with this addiction. THAT IS WHAT I HATE MOST!! My mom handed me this Ensign article as i was heading out the door to go home the other night....it was labeled "Agency and Love in Marriage."  It's all about love, and choosing to love, and developing the qualities of charity. I'll be honest, it upsets me. It upsets me that I suck at love. (I'm awesome at lust.) Then all the shame, the self-labeling, the ultimatums (i'll never be able to feel true love), and all that frustrations rear their heads.

I had to stop myself.  I had to look at it straight. This is mortality. This is what i have to go through.  I really can't whine about it. Regardless of the past, and regardless of "how bad the future can get", i just have to put my energies in to today.  I am going to have to let go. Let go of the fact that I can't date.  I can't do relationships.  I have to watch others enjoy it. Watch my older brother raise his four awesome cute kids (p.s. I love kids and want to have my own very badly).  I have to let that all go.  I crave the trust and committment and affection that I had in my last relationship.  I have to let that go.  I have to let go of the fact that there is a girl in my life RIGHT now who wants to be in a relationship with me, and I want to be in with her....but i now can't.  And who knows if she wants to wait around for months.  And i can't even tell her right now except for "well, i am working on some things right now in my life...i'm just not ready for a relationship."  Are the girls buying this???  Let. It. Go.  But when I look at it fairly and honestly, looking past myself....do I really have a full, pure heart to offer her?? Do I have stable emotions?? Do I have a brain that functions normally??  I don't. And that isn't self-bashing. It's just being honest. And I can be okay with it.

I desire sobriety today. I desire recovery. I'll do what I have to. Slowly but surely things are getting better. In many ways. This isn't easy by any means. It's bloody bloody hard. But I am getting better. Still sick, but getting better.  (Heck, i didn't give into the desire to binge for the next 3 days....)

Day 2 today...