My insanity...back to step 0

I need to write. I need to share some of the harsh realities and lessons I’m going through.  The past two weeks have been some of the most challenging I think I’ve ever had.  I’m exhibiting every attribute of a textbook sex addict.

Shortly after my last super happy and ‘walk in park’ post, I cracked. I self-destructed. My will was broken.  I felt completely defeated. I abandoned all hope.  I went to an SA meeting Monday afternoon right after work. I was feeling every negative emotion that I think my body contains. Anger, rage, frustration, deep sadness and mourning, regret, apathy, remorse, guilt, shame, lonely….you name it.  The whole world was about me.  I sat in this meeting and the range of shares were probably as wide as my emotions. One guy was cracking jokes, one person cried in absolute frustration.  I shared the same.

I get home, feeling good, getting ready to go to bed early and realize that the final paper that I thought was due Thursday was in fact due Tuesday. Hadn’t started.  Oh how angry I was at school!!  OH…..  I am tired of having to stay up late every night trying to write these papers that I just don’t care about.  And my addiction reared its head.  I even made phone calls as I drove up to campus. I texted people.  But tonight….I let lust have its way.  I experienced every emotion as I acted out.  I lost all control.  I felt completely bitter and angry and furious.  I think every resentment that I have stored in my body manifested itself.  It all boiled over. I texted some people after but I was finished. I was done. I didn’t want to do this battle anymore. I was feeling so low that I prayed and told God that I just didn’t care anymore. I had given up.  I’m not much of a quitter but this time….I didn’t really want to keep going.  I don’t think I’d be so bold to go commit suicide but I asked God if he could just let me be done. Take me away.  I don’t want to destroy myself anymore. Let me just salvage what left of myself I have left.

This is how I felt.  This is how desperate and dramatic I get.

Tuesday wasn’t much better.  I ended up not finishing the paper Monday so I was up late last night working on it.  I survived work mainly because it was actually busy.

This morning….I’m still in a daze.  I have still managed to read from the SA White Book every day this week though. I’m still ‘bringing the body’.  I skipped the meeting last night and slept in through this morning’s meeting. Looks like I’ll be in a meeting tonight.

But here’s what I have been reading and I relate so so well to it. This book was written about me, for me.

For most of my life, ‘recovery’ or ‘sobriety’ was based on whether I had willpower and diligence to defeat lust. I can do alright. I can muster enough strength to go sober for maybe a week. And if I have enough good things going on…maybe a month.  That’s about it.  Any stress or life event….I’m toast.

I often say to myself, “well, if only I had a life of zero stress. Zero worries. Zero anything emotional….I could stay sober.”  And that might actually be true. But that’s not life. That’s not how it is here.  I even emailed my parents that as well. I just dumped all over them. Told them everything that I have been feeling. They both seem to more involved in my life right now. More than ever at any time i think.

I’ve been doing some Step 0 writing. There is a list of questions about that. Looking at how much we act out, why, how powerless we are, how compulsive we are.  The reason for my fantasies is because I just plain don’t care for the current situation I am in.  I don’t really like the current version of Warrior. I want to be Warrior the sober champion. The desirable. The honorable and wise. The sponsor of 10 addicts. The loving husband and cool dad.

This week I had to look at myself with the harsh reality….that I don’t have those things. I’m not sober.  I’m great and of worth but I’m not as desirable as I would like to think. I am riddled with character defects. I’m avoiding. I’m not facing my defects/my problems/my pain. I am single. Completely single.  I get intense cravings and day dream that I can go be intimate with some wife or some girl.  Or I simply want to just view some porn.  But the reality is….THERE IS NO GIRL THERE!! There is no relationship. It is all in my head.  There isn’t someone there in my bedroom wanting to have sex with me. There isn’t some new fix that I ‘deserve.’  All I have at the moment is me. Broken, pissed off me.  Well, no wonder I don’t like that scenario!!

Here is what the book says though (follow along in pages 63-72). With the temptations and cravings, I feel that I ‘have to have it!’.  I feel that I’m going to die if I don’t get some of fix. We have seen addicts go through this. What can I do??  I can’t fight lust. Well, I can but I’ll get beat.  We surrender. We turn to someone in the group and talk it out. We bring it to light.  We don’t even do it because we want to. I’ve had plenty of phone calls where I tell someone, “Ok, I’m calling. But I don’t want to. I want to go act out with some porn b/c I had a long day and just don’t care. But I’m making this call.”  And if we talk it out….the craving will pass. Sometimes only for 5 minutes…

The wave hits again. And again. And we keep surrendering. And calling.  This is exhausting. But somehow the craving will pass. In the moment on days like that….You think to yourself that you will be a crazy, insane, out of control addict the rest of your life.  Oh I get so caught up in such thinking.

But when we do get through those moments. We get a reprieve.  JUST A REPRIEVE! A short break is all!!!

And lust is then back at it. 

So how do we sustain any sort of recovery??? Or sobriety??  The book even admits that we can't live under step 0. It is too uncomfortable.

That is what the rest of the 12 steps are for. We need to right our wrongs, sick thinking, bad attitudes, make restitution.  You see…I’m still on step 0. I am STILL coming to the realization of how sick I am. How powerless with my own thinking I am.  I talked to a guy Monday and he asked how long I’ve been going to meeting.  3 years. I’ve been to hundred’s of meetings and I’m on step 0.

0!!!

So my task now is to keeping working the program one step at a time. One after another. I will do so. I don’t have anything else to do.  I don’t even fully believe at the moment. I'm still feel a little hopeless.  I’m going to just go through the motions for now and hope that the spirit catches up.

Can I at least be sober today?? Can I do that?  To be honest, I don’t think that me, Warrior, can do it.  I think with God and the support of the fellowship I can do it. I can only worry about today.

I am so exhausted and tired. Mostly spiritually and emotionally.  But I guess I will eat the ‘green eggs and ham.’ Might at well. 

A Fresh New Start

Today is a new day for me.  I feel a sense of relief. I feel a sense of starting a new journey.  I have the feeling I get when I pull up to a trailhead. Park my car. Grab my day pack. Take in a deep breath.  And start hiking.  I love it. I love that feeling.

I love hiking on trails I’ve never done before. I don’t know what challenges I’ll face. I don’t know if it will be steep in some places or flat.  Usually, all I know is that I can see the summit. Or at least know that the summit is my goal.  For the majority of the trip, you can’t really see the summit but you know it’s there. You get glimpses of it between different bends. Often the final scramble is the most grueling.  The rocks get jagged and steep.  The air gets thin.  But the end is more visible. The summit is right there!!  And you push and push and you reach the top!!!  Super exhilarating.  And you sit there. And feel kinda good. Relax. Eat a granola bar. Take some photos. But after only a few minutes….you head back down the mountain.  The real adventure was the views, the nature, the Moose you saw, the final scramble, running out of water, laughing with your buddies, praying to God, and feeling the power of the natural world.

(from my Kings Peak hike summer 2012)

So me and the ex-girlfriend are saying goodbye. Again.  Yep, she broke up with me on November 27^th. It was an inspired decision. It was a difficult one to make.  We felt peace that night about it.

We have since emailed each other a few times….trying to see what role we can have in each other’s lives.  We have debated whether to work for a greater goal of maybe getting back together.  Then it was maybe in a year’s time.

I didn’t feel good about any of that.  It is exhausting trying to decide. It is exhausting trying to get 365 days sober. I can’t do that. I can only be sober today. I can’t worry about relationships or girls or getting back together.  Sorry, I have limited energies and right now….they aren’t going towards that. I wrote her an email this morning and asked for closure. I am an eagle who needs to fly away and she has to let me. It is what we decided originally. It is what brings peace now.

I can’t live in the future. I can’t even have a future goal. Sorry. My goal is to be sober today.  That is it.  If I can’t be sober today then what the heck does the future matter??  All those nice goals of a wife and kids and homestead and nice job….all that goes out the window if I’m not sober today.

All I have left to do now is go to recovery meetings, do whatever my sponsor says, go to therapy, go to my job, and find meaningful things to do on the weekends. I’m totally okay with all this.

I am probably going to be grieving for the next little while.  I feel good now. But Satan will attack. He will.  The submarine has been torpedoed and the debris will float to the surface. It always does. And I’ll just have to deal with it when it does.

This is not necessarily a punishment or a setback. It is just life.  This is just my journey. 

I just have to commit to it.

In terms of the steps, I starting writing in my journal and answering questions from ‘Step into Action’.  Step 0.  Sifting out why I act out and why I fantasize.  It is a start. It is small but it is what I can swallow.  I called my sponsor last night and we are just going to move forward.  My semester of classes ended and this week all final projects are due. 

Juggling the holidays will be rough.  I’m actually bummed that I’m going to have to miss recovery meetings in order to be with the family on the 24^th and the 25^th.  It is going to be tricky having to leave the house in the evenings in order to go to meetings.  Maybe I’ll tell my mom so that she understands where I am. 

What's the deal with masturbation??

http://awiferedeemed.blogspot.com/2013/12/whats-big-deal-about-masturbation.html

I'm just going to put Harriet's post here.

Read the quote by CS Lewis. I have heard this before and i think it hits it right on the money.



Dealing with 'MB' is certainly a difficult one.  Here is what I have done to deal with it. 

• Work recovery
• Manage emotions
• lots of prayer
• lots of phone calls and contacts

That easy!!  Not really.  Even last night, I was working on the action steps of Step 1. I had just gotten back from a solid recovery meeting and was pondering/writing ideas.  I was connecting with my sponsor and also another group member.  And then while praying I had a major urge to masturbate. Intensely.  AND I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF PRAYING!!  Good grief Satan, can't you ever leave me be?? No. I guess he cannot.

Well, I have even had to change the way i pray.  I kneel in the middle of my room. And have to completely clear my mind. 

Day at a time! Don't give up! Don't stop believing in the principles of recovery!!

Therapy Session #1

Alright, I need to write some more honestly feelings.  This morning's post wasn't too positive.  This whole addiction is getting out of hand and I can feel the 'unmanageability.'

This is what we confess to ourselves in the first step...that we are whipped and that we can't beat this addiction with willpower alone.  We simply cannot.  I'm sorry but if I'm one on one with Lust, I lose. Every time.

I went to a therapy session tonight.  I sit down. I tell the guy my story and where i'm at right now.  He sees several things right off the bat.

I've grown up most my life trying to perform and produce results.  Emotions and effort were simply not as important.  You get A's. You serve in the church. You do. You accomplish. And honestly, i've done pretty well. I have accomplished quite a bit.  Feeling emotion or saying to yourself 'yay you did great today...great effort Warrior...you are such a great person' was not part of my game plan.  It didn't matter the effort if results were not being produced.

But this is something that the therapist pointed out.....this addiction is being lost on the emotional level.  I have never truly faced the addiction head on.  I have avoided.  I have 'thinking errors' as he states.  I minimize the gravity of this addiction thinking that I am getting 'better' when in reality....I am not.  Stacey A made a comment about this.  Simply praying and then reaching for the fix is just not going to work.

I can't guard myself or escape from the weight of the emotional pain. I don't like to deal with it or cope with it. These seems to be the underlying issue.  I totally understood this last year. I was able to really work recovery when I was able to MANAGE THE EMOTIONS. This is single handedly the main thing for me. The therapist is having me set a fixed time, twice a day, where i pause, feel my emotions, and then write them down. State them out. Negative and Positive.


So the therapist (the director of the program actually) wants to try something with me.  He wants to put with with a female therapist around my age.  At first I was like, "what the heck"  But his reasoning was that it would require me to be with someone where I'd have to face being ashamed or embarrassed.  I can share with someone who isn't going to reject me or shame me.  Sure, we don't want to baby the addict right? Hold their hand? And validate them??  We can't do that.  We need to punish them! We need to whip their sorry butts into shape!!  I get that.  But shaming and making the addict feel like crap DOES NOT HELP! It doesn't one bit.

Another main thing that we are going to work on is SELF-LOVE. I try to love others and be all nice and all that....but I don't have much self-love.
The therapist said that we are going to redefine long-term success for me.  (i asked him what he meant by 'long-term success')  It is going to be the measure of how much I can love myself after a slip or relapse. Even more than the number of days sober.

Yeah, I kinda balked at that. I want results. I want length of sobriety.  But he feels that learning to do recovery on an emotional level is more appropriate for me.  I think I'm just going to trust this guy.
I meet with the female therapist in two weeks and then when school is out I'll be doing group therapy at their clinic every Tuesday night.  (this is going to get pricey....but honestly i have the money and it is totally worth it and what does it matter......WE HAVE TO BE WILLING TO GO THROUGH ANY LENGTHS)


Also chatted with my new sponsor tonight.  He is a good man. And a kind one.  He is all about being consistent and working dailies.  He is having me commit to 2 things that I will do daily. I thought of a few but the ones that I want to do are the following:

1. Make 2 calls every day during the daytime.  One around 10 am and one call around 2/3 pm 
2. Read one page or piece of recovery literature every day.  (The therapist wants me to read a certain book over the next two weeks....)

Well, there's the plan.  I have much work to do.  But I commit to doing it.  But i need not run faster than I have strength. This is an Ironman not a sprint triathlon.  Gotta keep the heart rate at a reasonable spot and keep a good, steady pace!!

Beginning recovery all over again...

Monday morning. Another week of work.

This past week was rough. Yes, it was just plain rough.  I am so full of every emotion right now ranging from the negative to the positive.

I am feeling hopeful. I am grateful that I now have a new determination. I am glad that I have time to focus on finishing my semester strong. I am glad that I now have nothing to do except go to meetings every night. No desire to see friends. No desire to do much else. I wish I could go to meetings all day every day.  I am relieved of certain stresses. I am choosing to be positive and forward thinking as much as possible.

I am frustrated. To the point that I yelled while driving to work this morning. I am pissed. Furious. I miss what I have lost. I am full of regret and remorse. I feel hatred and bitterness. I feel hopeless and exhausted. I feel violent.

It is what it is.  I am desperately trying to surrender the negative and cling to the positive. What ridiculous internal conflict! And I have so few people that I can talk to. People don’t seem to care.  Unless they are my bishop or a fellow addict.  I think fellow addicts are my favorite people right now.  I visited my brother yesterday. I told him that I wanted to talk about why we broke up and also that I have an addiction. (he doesn't know).  Instead, he talked the ENTIRE time. All about himself and his girlfriend that he wants to dump. Forget it...how am i supposed to open up to people who don't give a shiz.

And I’m full of a lot of tough feelings towards my mom today. She didn’t take the news that I broke up so lightly. Of course she wants to chat and know all the reasons.  I had to avoid her all week.

I get an email this morning and the first thing she asks is “Did you tell her about your past habit? Is it still a problem? If you are still involved with it, get rid of it. Forsake it. Hate it like the plague. It’s poison to the soul. Repent!”

She then says I need to fight for the girl. And not let her get away. And step up my efforts with her. “be the man here and get her back.”

 Luckily, I'm too numb to really care. I send her a short response back. "thank mom for your concern and input.  She broke up with me. It was her choice. I don't expect or need you to understand."

I think I am a patient person based of my mother. There is no one on this planet more difficult than her.  I simply CANNOT have her involved on this. I can’t dodge her forever because she won’t be satisfied until I tell her how I am feeling and what happened. She is relentless.

And yes, I should just stop. Forsake. And be done.  Why can’t I do that??  (I’m being cynical now).  But in theory, stopping should be easy. I should just stop looking at anything pornographic and just marry a nice girl and create a family and not live with any struggles.

Why isn’t it so easy?  Don't i know how wrong it is?? Don't I want this girl more than I want hot girls that don't know i exist?  Don't I know that lusting at a woman's body is wrong?? It's so simple!!!!

Why do I have to be consumed with lustful thoughts day in and day out?

Why do I want SO BADLY to masturbate over ANTYHING slightly lustful?? Can't i get a break?? Do i really have to be so sexual?? Aren't there other things in life besides sexual stuff?

Why do I do this over and over and over and over and over and over and over?

Don’t I get tired of it??  Is there really some new sensation? Is the next porn image going to be better?

In the past 5 days, I have gone to 5 12-step meetings. I’m going to go to 120 in the next 120 days. I don’t care about anything else.  I also got a chance to see Sidreis and Tim at an SA meeting out in Provo.  (though I didn’t really get a chance to talk to them.)

 I also have acted out/relapsed (whatever you want to call it) every day for the past 5 days.  I can’t handle all these emotions. I can’t.

I can’t be on a computer right now. Not even to do anything. I go straight to youtube and act out. It’s so automatically its ridiculous. Doesn't matter if i'm on for only 1 minute. Doesn't matter if i pray beforehand or call someone to tell them on getting on. I'm going straight to porn. Like a 2 year old who wants a cookie. They just go for it and eat it. What else matters? 

Here’s my morning. Wake up at 4 am.  Fall on my knees and say a good 3 minute long prayer. I plead with God to let me stay sober. I beg him to give me some sort of idea of what I need to do today to win. I do some pushups to get my brain and body moving. I read my scriptures for 30 minutes. I ponder. I use a study guide. Solid study! I pray again thanking God for my study.  I then read a book on positive thinking for another 15 minutes. Great study! And then I begin working on a reading for a presentation I’m doing in tomorrow night’s class.  All is well!   And while in my room writing notes, the computer is tempting me. I am starting to hate this silver, metallic portal to hell.  I am attacked. And attacked.  My whole body wants release and to act out.  I pray. It seems like no use. So I pull it out and turn it on. And find something to view. And lose.

JUST LIKE THAT!!!!!!!   WHAT THE H!!!!  I DISABLED THE INTERNET ALL DAY SATURDAY AND SUNDAY.  i DIDN'T THINK ABOUT MONDAY MORNING!!! Lust is just too dang clever for me!!

Lust is like a bully that just beats me up whenever it wants. I appear to have no say in the matter.  I can say to lust “I don’t want to act out today. I just want to be sober.”  Lust says “pull out the computer and act out.”  Even if I resist….it beats me. It pounds me. Then helps me up. Then pushes me down again.  I'll call on my big brother. He'll come. Tell Lust to leave. He does. Then big brother has to do other things. Lust comes back and beats me up again.

I’m stumped.  I’m going to just keep doing the actions of recovery and hope that it sticks.  At this point, I’m just willing to do whatever. 

I got a temp sponsor last night as well. We’re going to chat tonight.

I’m also starting therapy tonight as well.  I’m going to tell them everything and accept whatever they tell me. I’m so addicted and defeated that I’ll bathe in a nasty river 7 times if I have to.

I’m so powerless over this I don’t know what else to do.  Damned if I do. Damned if I don’t.

But I refuse to quit.

I’ll just keep bashing my head against the brick wall. Maybe after 50 years the brick walls will crumble (not because I bashed it) but because walls eventually crumble after 50 years.

The Break Up

well, she broke up with me.

It was right. She made the wise decision. It was a tough decision for her. This is a humbling moment. For both of us.
And yes, my addiction was a large cause of it.  But not entirely. I suspect that God knows more than us. He knows the big picture.

So we had 'the chat' on Sunday. We went our way. It didn't really sink in for her.  i made sure she consulted as many people as possible.  And i'm super super grateful for you folks out there that consulted with her. She needed that support and people to tell her straight.

Monday she wrote me some emails and some thoughts.  I wrote her an email of what I need to do to work recovery and to maintain sobriety. I wrote her an extensive list of things.  Still, she wasn't quite getting it.  She wrote me a long email Tuesday morning expressing her thoughts on the matter.  She understand how guys view porn and that we crave sex. She gets that.  She writes how there is no way that i am a sex addict becasue I havne't done 'really bad things'.  And for the way that i've treated her.  (i do actually treat girls very well and with alot of respect....except of course for the poor decisions with the addiction) She gets into her rational 'fix it' mode. She thinks we are going to work together. And she'll do anything for me.  She send me emails of things I can try to stay sober. Suggestions. And links. And articles.

I had to lay out more clearly.  I wrote her a long email Tuesday afternoon. I made it clear that this isn't some little habit. This is not just me 'craving females'.  this is a real and very destructive disease.  And I also made it clear that this is my battle to fight and that her involvement is not what makes my recovery.  i need support groups, step work, a sponsor,  a counselor, time, and alot of consistent work.

Tuesday afternoon, it really really sunk in.  This was NOT something that she would be able to handle.  She expressed that and that she needed time to think. We also canceled our plans for Wednesday and also for Thanksgiving.  i had to pitch my mom some story. Luckily her parents were in town so i blamed it on that.
I saw my bishop that night, and he wanted to see us battle this together. I had a knot in my stomach about this. I knew this might be something bigger than our abilities.

Wednesday I didn't hear from her all day.  Work got out early for me due to the holiday. I texted her around 230 pm and we agreed to  meet around 430 to find a quiet place on temple square.  I met her at the reflecting pool. She was already sitting there.  i knew things were going to end. I just knew.

Little was said before. We found a place to sit. She seemed deeply emotional. This was a tough moment for her. she said a short prayer and she jumped right into it.  She expressed how she read my email and consulted with others.  She also prayed. She then expressed with tears in her eyes, that she didn't quite received the answer she wanted, but that she couldn't date me anymore.

It was a hard thing to hear. I know it was hard for her.  She liked me. She would have married me. She told me how she is losing her best friend.  She felt almost guilty and bad for doing this bc i had been so good to her and honest.  I reassured her that she has done nothing wrong in this. She has not. Not one bit. She did precisely what she needed to do.  She made an inspired decision. This was what we both needed. There were absolutely no hard feelings on either side.  She felt immense peace. I did too. I did....even though it was a very large thing to swallow.

I hurt today.  I do.
I am not going to lie or snuff my feelings. I'm grieving a loss.
I have full confidence life will go on. she will do great things. I will do great things.  But under the current circumstances we are not going to continue a relationship or even a friendship.

We agreed to erase each other completely.  No facebook. No phone number. Nothing.  That hurt too.

Before we said our final goodbyes she gave me a poem she wrote that was absolutely beautiful. I think i may have to post it one of these days as a constant reminder.

She feels for me.  As all the women who do for the men they loved.  But she had to be honest with herself.  I always knew a day like this would come.  I am grateful I got dumped.  I needed to feel the consequence of this addiction and of not working recovery.

Today I miss her. I do.  I don't get to visit. or chat with her. Or share things that i'm doing.  Even a commercial today during a football game showed a couple sledding, which was something that we were excited to do together, made me hurt. No christmas trip together. Nothing.  I have a gapping hole now. Seeing my brother with his girlfriend at Thanksgiving hurt.  Having to dodge my mom hurt.  (There's no way i can explain the real reason we broke up. I said it was because she didn't feel right about it.)

I am going to do nothing but recovery now. And service for others.  And things for myself that keep me pure, uplifted, and strong.  Nothing else really matters now. I have been given a great opportunity.


I don't know at this point whether we will cross paths or not.  This relationship didn't end because of things about me and her. It was a good relationship and had real potential.   But maybe God has someone else in mind for her. Or maybe for me. I don't think it even needs to be thought about right now.


I want to sincerely thank all those who have helped and supported me in this.  And all those who supported her as well.  I especially want to thank Pete (funny to say Pete...that's not how i know him)   He called within seconds of us saying our final goodbyes. He has really been a savior to me. Thanks for sharing me your thoughts and stories too.

Satan has been whispering in my ear all day to just take a day off." Go enjoy an act out for once. Because now i can. No one to hurt or report to."  But you know what????  i don't want any of his crap today. Because it DOES matter.  MY CHOICES NOW AFFECT EVERYTHING THAT I DO IN LIFE, PRESENT OR FUTURE.  MY RECOVERY STARTS NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I went to a meeting last night and i'm going to one today.  I will do recovery DAILY. The rest of life will have to take place when I have done that.  Recovery is my top priority right now.  Along with doing my job, my calling in church, and serving others.  That is all i want to focus on now.

My sister said something profound yesterday.  By taking a complete break from dating (and I am very serious about it now), I am NOT putting my life on hold.  Addiction and not doing recovery is putting life on hold.  I am preparing for life. But I am still living it.

Day 8 today. One day at a time.

An apology

I need to write something. I feel sick. Super sick. I feel awful.  I am such a selfish narrow-minded addict sometimes. I am calling things out as they are. I'm just so racked with torment right now.

I have utterly betrayed a nice, sweet, spiritual, beautiful girl.  I have been just sick to my stomach about it all night. I can’t bear to read these little blog posts I write. I have all these expert strategies and game plans.  I can just promise her all this exceptional knowledge that I have and things will be okay.  I share and am brave and honest and the real hero…..and things will be okay. Ug. ug ug.

Things are NOT okay. Indulging in porn is NOT okay. It is a vile sin.  I know we need to cuddle the addict but seriously, I have been way WAY out of line. Heavenly Father has not been pleased with that. He still loves me infinitely, but I have felt no peace at all today. I’ve been an absolute wreck. He is letting me feel this pain. He is not bringing me peace.

I have MUCH work to do! This is my rude awakening. It is nearly midnight, I’m supposed to be finishing a paper but I can’t think at all. 

Ah, this is just plain awful.  And she was so nice to me last night. She is trying to handle everything like a champ but I know she must be aching on the inside. Oh I feel so bad.  I apologize.  It doesn’t take away what I’ve done. I don’t know if it does anything.  

I pray and pray and pray that God will take care of her and inspire her to choose what’s best.

I can’t live like this. I can’t be half-baked. Busy or not. This has to END!!! I am losing all connection to reality. Uh.  I lead her on so expertly…. Uh. I am all the worst things I swear I’d never do.

Does this torment end??? I HATE THIS ADDICTION. I hate what it does to this world.  What a nasty plague.  But yet, it is so darn appealing that we throw it all away.  We throw our lives away for it.

Day at a time. Moment at a time.  I need God’s help. I need help from anyone.  I can’t do this anymore.  I can’t stay sober by myself. I can’t.  I can’t live this busy lifestyle.  I want out. I want to be done. And there is not easy road….just the simple principles of recovery. Just have to live them…

Oh i hope and pray she is well. And she had so much to do today. So much schoolwork and all I do is think of myself.... UH!!!

The Chat: the results; what next??

Not sure where to start.  I’m at work and obviously have a lot to do.

So I told her about the addiction. I’m harboring A LOT of shame today. I don’t feel much peace.  This confession was much worse than the one I did last year. Mainly because this time, I’m not working recovery. I’m really not. I’m not putting in the time that I need.

Well, so we have been wanting to talk for some time. I’ve been dreading it. I have.  Yeah, I am probably a pansy about the whole thing but it’s such an unpleasant topic.  I hate this bloody addiction.

So we spent the whole day together. I went to church with her. Then we went to my parents.  We kinda just took it easy…nothing real productive.  On the way home she mentioned how she was hoping we could chat. She had to go to choir practice for a bit. But ‘luckily’ it got over early. We found a quiet room in her chapel where we could talk, alone.

She went first. She shared some personal things with me. And about some things that had happened to her growing up.  Then I went.  And told her I am a porn addict. A sexual addict. Addicted to lust. I don’t know how many ways you can say it.  I tried not to minimize but I’m sure I did.  I wasn’t sure how much information was too much.  I didn’t talk timelines at this point.  I at least told her what I haven’t done.  But did tell her that it is real.  I didn’t have the best of feelings in the moment. 

I mainly just feel so sorry.  I know women are strong. They are.  I’m just so pained that they have to hear these things come out of our mouths. It’s just so unpleasant. Especially when they've invested so much. This man that they love dearly....tells them such awful news.  it's just so sad. I don't know what else to call it.  But honesty has to prevail. I have to do my part and 'be a man.'

We walked back to my car and sat and chatted a bit more.  I told her what it takes to work a solid program of recovery.  I also let her read a journal entry that I wrote last week.  She was very taken back by how recent my relapses have been and how this is still a struggle. This is the worst part of all.  I’m STILL an addict.  I am still susceptible to falling at any given point.  I feel like I’m on a tight-rope suspended between two huge buildings….trying desperately to focus on the destination, not the wind, or the swaying wire, or the 1,000 foot plunge.

Based on advice I got from others, I did my best to listen to her and let her feelings be important.  I assured her that she is free to feel however she wants and that she can take as much time as she needs to process everything.  I told her to discuss things with anyone that she feels is trustworthy and understanding.  I really don’t even care who knows I’m an addict.  If she trusts the person….then I trust that.

She seemed to take most everything well. She has been through quite a bit in life. We’ll see how she feels this week. She has so much schoolwork to take care of today that she probably hasn’t had proper time to really think, pray, and research.

I’m so full of anxiety about everything. I’m not feeling tons of hope but i'm praying desperately to get some.  I know myself. I know my patterns. I know how hard this addiction garbage is. I know what kind of pain is involved.  BUT….all I can do is my part!! All I can do is to continue to actually work a program of recovery!!  I’m at least relieved that now I can go to meetings and tell her about it. Now I can stop worrying about what’s going to happen.

At this point, I’m more worried/anxious if she decides to stay with me.  I kinda wish we could take the easy way out and have her dump me.  It’s my turn in life to get dumped. I’m always doing the dumping.  I guess getting dumped makes you the victim which us addicts like being.  But I want to keep dating and give it my all.  ‘my all’ is rather weak but I want to do it.  At least survive the next month. Survive the holidays. 

I think come January we’ll have to see where we are at.  In any event, I told her that I will need at least 6 more months of dating. And have time to prove myself.  If I fail at any moment, she is to throw me out.  I don’t want to be cut any slack in this.  The stakes are too high.  Marriage could result out of this relationship.  She does not deserve to marry a man who is still losing to sexual addiction. I will not allow that. I simply will not. If that involves her putting her guard up a bit then so be it.

I saw her briefly this morning. She wants to start having scripture study and prayer in the morning. I think it’s a good idea.  This girl is super amazing. So stellar.  I can’t hardly believe that I’m even getting a second chance here.  So positive and optimistic.    I don’t know if things have sank in just yet though.

I need recovery. I need God like I never have before.  What more can I do in all this??? What is the next step??  I can only live life ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!

The Disclosure

Disclosure:  “the act or process of revealing or uncovering”

 I think it is time. To let my girlfriend know of what I am dealing with.  I’m not going to sit and worry that this is a long time coming that may be true. But moving forward… This is going to be a super logical approach. Recommendation or comments are encouraged/welcome

It is fair that:

A)     She knows that I am an addict, that it is a current struggle, but also that I do have a game plan.

B)      She has a right to decide how to proceed with the relationship and I must respect that.

I want to first establish things on my end, what it is that I desire:

·         I want to continue dating and getting to know her

o   I see her as a strong woman and someone that would make a solid wife/mother. This does not imply that we will be married, only that I want to continue the relationship as two normal people going through the normal custom of courtship.

·         I want to actively work a program of recovery

o   I feel it fair to let her know what things I’m doing and on what days. Of my dailies, of who (generally) is working with me

o   I also want her to know of specific struggles, slips, relapses, partial slips and how I am dealing with those things.  This is the difficult part but honesty must be involved.  Her level of involvement is the part that I may not quite know how to answer at this point.

Consultation

·         She needs to make a sincere decision. I would recommend that she takes time to pray and consult whomever she needs to. I would recommend that she consult people close in her life. I don’t want to prohibit her, but rather trust that she’ll be respectful.  I’m okay if she confides in her parents, select friends that know me personally, her bishop, and possibly other wise spiritual leaders that she knows.

·         On my end, I will consult people beforehand as well.  I am writing this post. I will discuss with my bishop, meeting with counselor tomorrow, with other recovering addicts, and maybe even a few WoPA’s directly.

Possible Outcomes

A.      Break up immediately.  We thank each other for the wonderful time together and go our separate ways.  If the discussion of continuing as friends comes up, I am going to have to say no.  I’d rather be IN or OUT.

B.      Trial period through the holidays

o   Continue to date and maintain open communication.  We have plans to go to my family for Thanksgiving and even spend time with her family during Christmas

o   She can leave at ANY time. She is in no way bound to me.

C.      Date for several more months (through the spring)

o   More thoroughness and honesty. Make decisions on her level of involvement. Should she attend support groups? Come to therapy/counseling with me?  Again, this is TBD.

D.      If continuance to dating is right and is desired, I recommend a minimum of 6 more months before getting engaged.  I think it is wise and that it is fair.

Manner of confession

·         Proper preparation

o   Mentally and spiritually

§  Attend temple

§  Prayer, prayer, prayer

§  Consultation

·         Designated time and environment

o   This Friday evening with no distractions. A spiritual, quiet place. Temple grounds?

·         My story (oh dear…)

o   I am recovering from sexual addiction. This does include pornography.  The addiction is not exclusive to that. I am an addict to lust. My forms of acting out include; lusting, taking ‘lust hits’, viewing visually stimulating material, fantasty/thoughts, lusting after women even when not expressly pornographic, and physically via masturbation, even to the point of orgasm.

·         Current situation

o   I am in this now. This is not all in the past and a done deal. I’m currently 21 days sober. I have had slips in that period. I have had full relapses since we have been dating exclusively.  **This is the hard news.  I admit that this may be the deal breaker.  This is going to be the toughest part to discuss.

o   When I get stressed in life or emotionally off, this is my struggle.  My recovery work has not been active nor consistent over the past 2 months. Life has been busy with full-time work and 9 credits of graduate school, but is no excuse.

o   Define relapses (NO SPECIFIC DETAILS)

o   I will let her know that I am temple worthy.  I have a bishop that has allowed me to assess that on a weekly basis.  Merely having a recommend does not constitute worthiness. (other people may be mixed on this, but I will decide for myself)

o   I do have strong desires to work hard at this.  I do have a strong testimony. I do understand the process of repentance and recovery.

·         Program of Recovery

o   NO MINIMIZING BUT I WANT TO FOCUS ON THIS ASPECT THE MOST

o   I have an outline in my journal as to all the elements of recovery.  I will not give the exhaustive list at this point.  But involves recovery at every level.  Monthly, weekly, daily, moment to moment.  Working steps. Working with others. Etc. Etc.

·         Feedback – Q&A

o   Discuss addiction in general – the hard truths and realites, the studes

o   Discuss the role of Satan in these last days. Sexual addiction is chemical warfare that Satan is waging against the sons of God. (and daughters too)

o   Whatever she wants to know or discuss

Time for her to make decision

o   See ‘possible outcomes’

Well, this is as good as I can plan it out.  It is a different story in the moment.  I really, really hope I don’t chicken out.  But I do have to be mindful of the Holy Ghost and what it impresses on my mind. If I feel impressed not to share at this time, then that is what I will do.  But this is my plan and I will move forward with it.

If you have any sort of comments please include them or send me a personal email if you have it.

First Kiss

I had some time and wanted to write another post.  Here are some updates on my life…if anyone care to know.

So I have a girlfriend. I do. We have been dating almost 3 months now. We have been talking things relatively slow.  I think we both wanted that.  She has done a bit of dating but nothing too serious. She’s also much younger than me.  But this girl is very smart and has very high standards. Probably the highest of any girl I have ever dated. She is very intelligent and very committed to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  In fact, she’s probably way too qualified for me. And I’m not bashing myself saying that.

            Well, we had an interesting moment on Saturday and we didn’t get a chance to discuss on Sunday.  I sent her a long email on Sunday night and she replied this afternoon.
            We had our first real kiss Saturday night.  Up to this point, good nights were long hugs and kisses on the cheek.  And sometimes it turned into 7-8 exchanges of kisses on the cheek.  I must say that I am quite attracted to this girl.  In a good way.  She is so darn virtuous that I have not had any inclination to do something that would make her uncomfortable.
            Well, on Saturday, we had a bit of a rough day. None of our plans to be alone and talk happened.  All sorts of other things going on. Finally, we had about 10 minutes to curfew (midnight on weekends) and we just sat on the couch and cuddled a bit. It was really nice to hold her close. Well, she tried to plant a cheek kiss on me and it was ‘precariously’ close to my mouth. When I walked her to the door, my heart started to beat. We hugged and I knew it was coming. I could feel she was sensing it too.  I asked her if I could kiss her. She said yes.  And we did. And it was the most powerful and wonderful kiss I have ever had. We just both melted.  It was WAY more than either one of us expected. (even me!)  And this was also her FIRST kiss. We would kiss, would hug each other close, and kiss again. Seriously, it was pretty dang amazing!
            We were both in the clouds. Seriously. It was so fantastic.  I could barely drive home.  And the great thing was is that it was powerful but it wasn’t full of lust.  We didn’t kiss in order to stir up sexual passions.  Now i'll discuss that in a sec.

            Well the next day, Sunday, she was a bit stand offish.  I could sense something was up.  We made food and spent time at the apartment.  Her roommate was there the whole time so we didn’t get to chat one on one.  We made cookies and delivered them to two different friends.  One of the couples we visited gave us a ride home and then gave me a ride home.  So we didn’t get to chat.
            I texted her that night and asked her if something was up. Sure enough, she had some mixed feelings about how long, and how passionately we had kissed. She sincerely hoped to save that for marriage.  (seriously, this girl shuns sin and anything like it).  I expressed my understanding and told her that we will need to set some ground rules and not do anything to break boundaries or make the other feel uncomfortable.
            I then wrote a long email.  I just had to get some things out. I shared with her my history with dating and what it means to me.  Despite being a porn addict, I haven’t acted out with girls. I’ve only really kissed one other girl….the one I dated seriously last year.  We had our moments with dealing with the passions of kissing. 
            I also shared how I felt about kissing her.  I agreed with her position that we should have some ground rules.  Well, she wrote me back today. She admitted to the presence of powerful feelings that arose between us.  We both didn’t necessarily feel guilty about it but we acknowledged its apparent power.  She admitted that she was unaware of those feelings/desires in her. She had never kissed someone before. And especially not how we did.
            She did express that we should certainly save such passionate kissing for marriage (if it comes to that….who knows?)  She then posted some links from prophets/apostles that counseled on marriage.  It seems that MANY leaders have recommended only short, simply good night kisses.  (or kiss, in the singular). 
            We also made specific rules to not ever kiss lying down.  Only when we are in semi-public lighted places.  Only enjoy one or two pecks for a good night kiss. She even recommended that we downplay the cuddling too especially around people.  She doesn’t want to be that couple that is awkward to be around.  I agree with that too.  She even suggested that we keep the front door (which leads to a stairwell) to be slightly ajar so that we can be easily interrupted and not tempted to kiss too much again.

            I am very glad that we discussed it.  I like that she is so solid.  I’m going to commit to all this. I will not do anything to break our rules or boundaries.  I don’t really have any desire to do so.  I am totally fine with focusing on all the other more important aspects of the relationship.  I am glad that we did kiss and we now know that there are feelings are between us, a 'spark' if you will.  Now we can put it off to the side and save it for a more appropriate time.

            I am doing much better in recovery right now.  I still need to find a moment to discuss it with her.  I may request feedback before then.  And after.  I don’t know how she will react.  I think she will take it especially hard and that is just how it is.  It could be said that i have waited too long....i've been feeling the same.  The timing of sharing is hard to figure out, and i get different advice from every person that i talk to.  I probably shouldn't even be dating if I follow what is 'best.'  Well, there you have it!!

Midnight ponderings

So i should be working on a project for school that is due tomorrow.  I got reading some posts of friends on facebook.  Not the best site to be on for me at such a late hour.  I'm in a public place so I guess I feel i could.

Anyway, I read a poignant post that outlines an interview with a girl struggling with addiction to pornography.

This touched me. It made me really feel for this girl. What a vicious battle.  And you know what is so sad....we are such helpless victims in the beginning.  Ok, yes, we chose it. Yes, we should have 'gritted our teeth' and resisted.  She got involved in 7th grade. Just a little girl.  I feel the same way.  I was hooked on masturbation first.  I was involved in that for several months before I knew their was even a word for it.  And then we go through the entire teenage years trying to figure out how to beat it.  What tough times.  And then we are in college trying to get the stupid addiction/habit out.

Why would this happen?? Why would something so vile be so prevalent and pervasive??  I strongly believe that nothing occurs in this world unless there is something to be learned from it.

I can say that without a doubt that this addiction that I've battle for so many years was intended to be a part of my mortality.  I am an eternal and infinite being. I possess the potential to become celestial and glorious.

This process of recovery has shaped and molded me like nothing else has.  I don't glory in the suffering. Much of it has been needless.  Much of it could have been prevented.

I stay sober when I work a program of recovery.
I stay sober when I let others into my life.
I stay sober when I connect deeply and meaningfully with God on a daily and moment to moment basis

  Seriously, I have no choice but to constantly connect with God. I can't handle lust. I can't handle any negative emotion. I can't bury either but rather acknowledge it and surrender it.  I can't handle oogling over an attractive girl. I simply can't handle it.  I can't afford to drink in lust on any level.  I can't resist this stuff with sheer willpower.  It is insufficient.  Recovery requires power. Power from a source greater than ourselves.


As far as life is concerned, I've been dating a really nice girl.  I've been as best as I can to her. She is such a sweet and beautiful girl.  I have not told her about my addiction yet and it is bothering me.  I have been praying and pondering the timing but I feel nothing but unease about it.  Last Sunday, we set a time to go for a walk and have a serious discussion. I couldn't do it.  I felt nothing but pain and knots in my stomach.  I didn't feel right about dumping this story on her.  I was depressed and frustrated the rest of the night.

The moment of 'confession' is such a stressful and anxiety-ridden moment.  Im in such a tight spot.  I just don't want to tell her. I can't bear it.  I'm not the most solid. I've not put in the work in my recovery as i should.  I always wish i could jump forward in time with this all in the 'past'.  It is frustrating that it is not. I stayed completely sober the first 2 months of our dating but have relapsed several times over the past 3 weeks.  i've debated letting her go or telling her and letting her make the choice.

I don't like either scenario at all.  I'm stuck. I cannot expect a girl to fight this with me. It is NOT her fight. This is no innocent girl's battle.

I don't know how I'd handle breaking up and I don't know how i'd handle telling her and then trying to maintain the relationship.  I really want this fence sitting to end.  We'll see how the rest of this week goes....

Tuesday's burden

I need to outline some realities for myself.  First off addiction is real.  It is an emotional, spiritual, physical obsession.  It is enslavement.  It is powerful. It is seemingly rewarding. Addiction requires very little. It is easy, thus it is easy to acquire and easy to prevail.

Recovery on the other hand requires patience, exertion of will to petition higher forces, time, diligence and consistency.  Recovery is a very conscious and deliberation set of actions. Recovery can’t be attained by the individual alone. This may be the most critical element of its success and quite possibly the most difficult to master.

I have been struggling over the past week and a half.  I have not been so inundated with tasks and challenges and decisions like this in well over two years. I am so committed to recovery but my actions seem to support otherwise. I am devoting my life just to stay afloat the load of work and school.  This is frustrating because I need recovery work. I need meetings. I haven’t gone to a meeting in over a month.  I can conjure up myriad excuses and pretexts but the fact remains that I have a lot to do. I’ve been consistently one week behind in my school projects which are very time consuming.

I lack the faith and possibly the ability to make the priority to spend ample time in actively addressing this addiction. It does not solve itself. It simply does not.

Mingle the stress of the ‘load’ and the diminishing hours of sleep, and I face a growing temptation more and more.

My sobriety suffered. My confidence suffers.

It is rather pitiable and sad that we addicts only get to express the woes on these blogs. Perhaps we seek comfort or some sort of validation. It seems to be at the root of our addiction anyway. We are so much more.

There seems to be a fine line between humility and self-loathing. Perhaps it is more apparent to the outsider, but for me….it is a fine line. I acknowledge my plight.  I admit my problem.  But I suppose I lack in taking the next two steps…that God can and will restore me and that it requires my entire will and soul.

Just three more days until my work week is over. 3 more days. Then the beginning of Fall break. I need a break….

Relapse

Ok, so I am writing a post. I don’t want to spend a ton of time on this because I have lots of things to do.  I snapped this morning. I cracked.  Last night marked day 51 of complete sobriety. Honestly, I enjoyed very good sobriety.  Now I was not immune to triggers or temptations, but I practiced recovery and surrender bc it works.  Well, the past two weeks, it has become harder and harder to attend meetings, read recovery literature.  This past two weeks have involved a car accident (destroying my car) and the girl I’m dating’s apartment catching fire. Not to mention grad classes at night and projects until midnight and waking up at 5.  It has been stressful. It has. Those are my excuses.

I needed to go to work early today because I didn’t finish a project on Thursday.  I got up at 4 and was to work by 5.  I check my emails and had an email from pinterest. Triggers, triggers, triggers.  (it doesn’t help that I had super erotic dreams last night..How much control over that do I have???)

I didn’t have it in me to resist.  It was over quick and immensely pleasurable.  I struggled the rest of the day.  I’m kinda numb right now about all of it. I feel super spiritually sick to my stomach.

And yes, over the past month and a half I have been dating a really nice girl. Seriously, her standards are higher than probably any girl I’ve ever known.  She is a solid girl. Modest and beautiful. Very righteous.  I feel like a super big hypocrite today. I do. And I know all the addicts are going to say, “oh, don’t beat yourself up.”  “Oh its okay. You’ve been sober. You’ve done so well.”  I have a hard time seeing it like that.  Relapsing and acting out is NOT part of recovery. It isn’t.

Well, I will be proud that I have done well recently. But I have to start at day one. I like the milestones. I am okay with being at day 1.  I am just going to live for today and then tomorrow and take everything one day at a time.

The biggest concern is what I am going to do with this girl.  So far I haven’t brought up that I am a porn addict.  I can’t think of a worst topic to bring up.  It’s sickening to have to tell someone.  It really doesn’t make sense. Some porn addicts are the nicest and most solid guys I know.  But we have this strange obsession to view inappropriate images of women.  We get in these moments where we are no longer humans but animals. It is kind of deplorable.  But it is what it is.  I have to be fully working steps 1, 2, 3 daily.  The moment I feel I have this addiction whipped is when it whips me.  I’m powerless against lust.

So I don’t know.

We even had lunch together today. Yeah, lunch. She was beaming to see me. She texted me afterward how much she enjoyed it.  I FEEL LIKE A DANG LIAR! How could I not????  Uh, I don’t know. I don’t even want to tell this girl. I’d rather just dump her.  Way toooo much shame to confess. 

I like dating. And even relationships. Maybe I need to postpone dating yet again. Maybe I need to put my whole freaking life on hold some more.  There are plenty of things to do in life while single.  Maybe recovery and sobriety will be one of those things.  Sorry I’m feeling a little apathetic and cynical today.

Just have to survive today…… which is hard because I’m burning with cynicism, frustration, and hopelessness.