I just read a great post yesterday that really hit home for me.
Yes, I know that other people can't fix me.
Yes, I know that this is my burden to carry.
Yes, I know that only God can heal me.
But let's face it, people are in our lives!! I have tried for years to keep people OUT! I am rubbish at getting close to people. I very much identify with Jason Bourne or those agents that live alone and live their secret lives, but are tough and skilled. I've never been accustomed to sharing anything with anyone. Not even with my family. How could I? I am regarded as one of the more spiritual people in my family. I love to study gospel principles and go to institute. I take a notebook whereever I go....and take meticulous notes and comment in class incessantly. My mom used to get PISSED every time I would share about addiction or recovery....and she wonders why I rarely have a desire to call her.
But dang it...we need help!! We addicts are bleeding. All over the floor. And occasionally we vomit. And vomit and bleed on other people too. That's what hurts the most. That's why we don't want you to help us!! That's why we lie. If you come get too close, we are going to spill crap on you.
Now I can't speak for the unwilling and the proud. To be honest, I get pissed hearing about the husbands that just don't get it. Who don't do anything. Who think "they have it under control" without doing anything. That is freaking bull#@! I don't know what to do with those men (Personally I would like to punch them in the head....Sometimes a man needs a good whooping)
I think it'd be good to read Jeff's post. This is good stuff.
Yes, I know. I know. Don't enable. Yes, I am not an expert on codependency and boundaries. I'm not married. Good grief. But I'll tell you what....sometimes as an addict, it bloody hurts. And sometimes I feel so much pain and frustration that all I want to do scream and punch holes in the wall. I felt that way Sunday night.
We have to be able to share. We have to get this stuff out. We have to learn to state EXACTLY how we are feeling. I made 3 calls last night. I called a guy who doesn't have much sobriety. He makes me laugh though. I called my sponsor whom I relate with REALLY well. Besides my support group from my meeting (whom I am way close with now) and this silly blog....WHO ELSE? The bishop perhaps?
I'm going to put more of my life to recovery. I'm done. I'm tired of trying to run a life while being so addicted. I'm going to start going to some sort of group meeting every day if I can. "90 in 90" is the old adage. Why not?? Why not do it?? What is 3 months of my life?? Why not devote it entirely to recovery?? 3 months could shape the next 50 years. Don't we see that??
Even if I have to suffer for the next 3 years straight......suppose I build a solid recovery/sobriety/change of heart/change of life/humility/love FOR THE NEXT 50 YEARS!!
Seems worth it to me.....
Go, Warrior! I think the 90 in 90 is a GREAT idea! I've done the isolation thing for years also. I Go off by myself for lunch. I go to a dance and find an empty room with a piano to play while everyone else is out socializing. I'm starting to consciously work on that. Yesterday I sat and visited with the clinic staff during lunch. Last week I went to a dance with the youth, and hung out and encouraged them. Baby steps! I get a little perturbed by stories of abuse and mean behavior as well. My world experience tells me those relationships rarely survive, and if they do it's just a living hell. In my work, I would not encourage someone to "tough it out" if that were their life. Bishops rarely advise divorce because of the eternal ramifications, but abusive people are going to lose their spouses sooner or later anyway. He or she will be given to another. Once an abused spouse makes a decision to separate, or divorce, the bishop will be there to help. I guess I've rambled a bit. I truly admire your determination to overcome this! I believe you are on the road to success.
ReplyDeleteOh I loooove this post!
ReplyDeleteYay for 90 in 90. Sounds like a great idea!
ReplyDeleteYou can do this. With God, you can. With those who have walked recovery, you can. Those who have been vomited on will have to work their own healing, so they may not be able to provide the kind of support you need right now. But there ARE others who can! That's why the 90-in-90 is such a great idea.
I recently read that Rowboat and Marbles has 80 guys he can call on. Build that network, brother! Build it until you have multiple people you can call to help you through, people who know what you are going through and know what it takes to find recovery.
I agree that addicts MUST have their own separate support group. I do not expect any non-addict (especially women) to supply that. Maybe all i say is that in terms of when the addict is fighting and really trying and losing every now and then...be tender. I know it's tough, but in my last relationship, my girlfriend told me point blank her disapproval and hurt but with love and compassion. There's a difference. And I was more inclined to be honest and share EVERY relapse that i had.
DeleteI don't disagree at all. I guess the flip side is that they may be doing the best they can, too, with their own recovery, ya know? It's so tricky. Sometimes it takes time for that kind of gentleness to develop post-trauma. It's the challenge of co-addiction or co-dependency or whatever you call it. And why the individual recovery journeys are so important -- to not be dependent on each others' place in the process, because they really are their own journeys.
DeletePlease know that I say this believing that those who struggle with addiction need gentleness and love unfeigned. I've just also seen enough of the flip side to know that sometimes that takes time. EVERYONE is a victim of addiction -- you and your loved ones. As such everyone needs gentleness and a soft place to fall.
Great post. I really love how you just word vomit your thoughts. I love how upfront and bold you are. It is encouraging me in my own recovery. I know I have felt for years that my poor husband has been the abused spouse because of my addictions and the bad choices I have continued to make because of it. Thankfully he is willing to just wipe it off and keep going. Yesterday was a tough one for me. I used to reach out to other men/women who would only feed my addiction. Yesterday I had to call/text/email 6 people from group and my bishop and my husband just to not give in. I love the support. Keep going!
ReplyDeleteJana, I know just how it is. It sometimes seems that all i can do is to be a helpless baby who has to hold someone else's hand. Oh well. Better than losing. No place AT ALL for pride in this..nor willpower. And I have a crap load of willpower. I like to be challenged and to battle and to be competitive. Addiction, however, owns me every time unless I surrender it away and connect with God and others. Asi es!
DeleteHey man - sounds good. Recovery is all about 'bringing it.' We've got to be willing to make the sacrifices and the efforts necessary - whatever we feel is God's will for us, no matter how hard and inconvenient it may seem.
ReplyDeleteBecause you're right - this fight is worth EVERY effort. Eternity hangs in the balance. Good luck and stay strong.