Today I want to be good to myself. No this isn’t going to be a brag session. But I think as addicts we need to take the time to appreciate ourselves and also all the blessings we do have. As I can clearly see in my own posts I often times feel like addiction is my whole life (and maybe it is). That I’m constantly stressing over it and worrying about it. And worrying about the future and I feel so incapable of living a normal life. If I simply look at the patterns of my behaviors, that may well be what I am going to see….nothing but a repeat of failures.
I received a killer quote from a wise man. (He’s a recovered addict with so much wisdom that I chat with here and there )
“We think of success and failure as opposites, but they’re really not. They’re companions.”
This really hit me. At first, I balked at it. I replied some negative comment. He replies with “You build on what you dwell on.” And then challenged me to write 3 positive things about me. I did so reluctantly but I ended up sending him 4!
Tuesday night, I chatted with my bishop. I love this guy. He is not into punishment nor dwelling on the past. Yes, he wants to learn from it. Yes, he will remind me how this addiction is wrong. But mainly he is interested in progress. And he has seen me progress. He has a lot of confidence in me which gives me a lot of confidence. He mentioned how he liked to give me a project. I have mentioned to him before that I would be willing to support other guys in my own ward. I gain much strength from connecting with others and providing them encouragement. I come across as a real downer sometimes on this blog, but I have so much potential to be strong and positive. But he may want to start a group or something for our ward or maybe even the stake. I told him i'd think about that. My sobriety/recovery isn't the best right now. I'd like to be in a better place first.
This has given me a new impetus to do what I need to in order to get some sobriety going and build some recovery. I want to be someone that can help others in this battle. I have been given a great blessing to have found solutions that work. I don’t stay beat up. I don’t feel hopeless. I don’t. This recovery process is a long process and it is rarely a linear process. (more like the stock market).
I want to be a powerfulforce for good in this world. And I am very capable of doing so. I have a lot of passion, and a lot of compassion as well. I care deeply for people. That is a trait about myself that I do like; that I am willing to fight for people or to listen to them or do support them. People have done it for me and I want to return the favor. I don’t have a cruel or malice heart. I have an incredible amount of patience as well. I have a lot of internal and ‘self’ issues. I do have a lot of anger in me too. And frustrations. And sometimes I just don’t quite know what to do with them. I am a more thoughtful and sensitive kind of guy. I would even admit to being a romantic at heart. (So unmacho!!)
This weekend I’m not going to have any plans. Which is rare for me. I usually try and do as much as I possibly can. I am going to do some room cleaning Friday. A long INDOOR workout (stinky weather). Attend a meeting. Do some reading and journal writing. Saturday I’ll spend some time with the family.
And one more note…..
So a girl that I had emailed back and forth a number of times back in December, texted me this past weekend. She was someone I met online. Way nice girl. Super cute too. She was just asking about apartments out in Salt Lake. My heart kinda skipped a beat. I called her Sunday but only left a message. She called back Tuesday night but I was already asleep. We agreed to chat this weekend sometime. I found her profile on facebook (yes, totally stalking…you’ve all done it). And I like this girl! But if I said I wasn’t nervous or uneasy about it….i’d be lying. I’m going to be praying all week about it. I know it’s just a phone call. I know I have my ‘dating break’ going on. Maybe I’ll chicken out completely and say I have no business “leading some girl on” “or dragging into my woeful life” “or I’m only going to hurt her”. I kinda don’t want to do that And maybe I’m just starved with female attention but I got the butterflies just looking at her profile. Dang it sometimes I wish I wasn’t an addict!!!!
I love your honesty. I love hearing your internal dialogue and battles. I am left thinking one thing though - are you trying to wait until you are perfect to DO things beyond addiction recovery? Are you waiting until you are perfect to start dating again? Waiting until you are perfect to start helping others with their recovery? Obviously I don't really know your situation and I am in no way privy to divine inspiration for you. And I'm not saying your thoughts aren't valid because I think they may be. But I hear this theme a lot in your writing. Maybe that is because you that is what you need right now. I just can't help thinking about my own tendencies toward perfectionism. It makes me wonder, why not now? I think of Elder Eyering's talk where he says, "There is danger in the word 'Someday' when what it means is, not this day" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-Cw8I8eukaI
ReplyDeleteThis part really stuck out to me about your Bishop: "He is not into punishment nor dwelling on the past. Yes, he wants to learn from it. Yes, he will remind me how this addiction is wrong. But mainly he is interested in progress. And he has seen me progress." Progress. I need to focus on my progress and my husband's progress. I need to let go of the past. I'm working on it, but it's hard. Thanks for the reminder!
I love that Success and Failure quote. Wow!
ReplyDeleteAs I was writing my most recent blog post and going through an old journal, I thought of the whole picture, too and how I need to focus on it more. I often find myself so swooped up in this "addiction side of me" but then I remember that just a month or two ago I was still the same person, but I didn't act as I am today. I don't know if recognizing that I'm an addict as thrown a new switch on in my brain. That being said, I want to quit stressing over it too! Yes, it will always be there, but do I really have to worry and stress over it this much for the rest of my life? I sure hope not.
I hope you will find ways to reach out and help others. I think the times I've felt best were when I was helping others, validating them and uplifting them. (Kinda helps me look at the whole picture, too!)