checking in

well, I haven't posted in like a week.  Seems most everyone is posting quite regularly these days.  I do read most everyone's posts.  I don't know if reading other people's stories is all that good for me. Especially the spouses. Maybe I should stop this blog altogether. Not sure what it does anyway. I am timid to write how I really feel about things.  It probably wouldn't come out 'nice.'  And I'd probably drop some bad words..:)

Anyway, I'm meeting with my bishop tonight.  I need to report some relapses lately. I'm intrigued by the word 'relapse'.  I see mine mainly as "battle losses".  I see most things as a battle. Thus i am warrior.  I must be a violent person or something.  I am just passionate. Even my dreams at night lately have been about battles and fighting enemies and swords.

I'm still pretty burned out.  I am tired of addiction. I am tired of recovery too.  I sometimes just don't want to do all that it requires. It requires more than I can give.  I go to like 4 recovery meetings a week. I try to read scriptures every day. Last week I didn't.  I think I missed the whole week. It takes very strict discipline with my schedule.  I work from 7 am to 6 pm every weekday.  By the time I go to a recovery meeting and get home....it's time for bed.  And I need to get up around 545 in order to have adequate time to read, get ready, and drive to work.

I've just been losing motivation.  It's tough for me sometimes to remember why I am fighting and why i care.  Recovery requires total commitment.  But the devil LOVES to tell me that 5 minutes of indulging really doesn't matter.  I buy that. I buy his lies.  Makes sense right??  I don't have a family. No wife.  I have a few close friends. None of them know of my addiction. People in my singles ward don't know.  Everyone thinks I'm pretty normal for the most part. And masturbation has got to be the cheapest pleasure on the planet. Feels great. Doesn't cost any money.  Can be done just about any time or place. No costs huh?

But i read something on Sparrow's blog that really got me thinking.  What do I value??  What are the costs?? What am I missing out on??

Here is what I miss out on:

• I don't get to enjoy relationships with the opposite sex
• I don't get to be married
• I don't get to have kids and wrestle/play with them (which i really love doing)
• I am not as productive at work
• I am not all that happy (life is more dull...colors are more gray)
• I have to spend so much time and energy battling the addiction
• I am not as spiritual...which means I'm not blessing the lives of others as much.

This all kinda depresses me.  I can counter every one of these too with some sort of excuse.  I can simply just be single and deal with it. And tell myself that I am better off. Honestly, I feel that way alot.  Anything I start to entertain the idea of going for a relationship....I just need to read more on how addiction and relationships mesh.  Not well at all.  I haven't earned the right to love or be loved anyway. Everyone made balk at that, but I feel like I have to do my part and be worthy of love.  I am not sure what 'unconditional love' is.  I think God can. I think my mom can. (she will always be my mom....I can always dump a girlfriend)

As far as work...well, they haven't fired me yet.  And if they did....I'll figure it out. I don't have debt and have a good junk of money in the bank. 

This is how I think of things.  I have even been considering buying a home but to be honest I have fears of losing my job.  I don't know what would happen if I confessed up to viewing crap at work (youtube and facebook).  I've wasted my employers time.

I am trying to believe that I can actually overcome this addiction. Just yesterday I was thinking how great it would be if I could just keep the addiction to one relapse a month.  i would consider that a victory. Not good enough to get married, but I could at least do life on some level with that.  The idea of complete sobriety and going several months or a year clean....seems a bit out of my reach.

I hate this addiction.  But at the same time, I apparently don't mind indulging.  What do I need?? More rock bottoms??  What else can I lose?  I think losing my job would suck.  But then again, it would give me an excuse to move out of the state and go explore the world.  (which i would enjoy).

blast, this isn't a very positive post.  It is honest though.  I won't give up though.  I refuse. But then again, is it foolish to continually bang your head against the wall and refuse to give up???  Sounds kinda insane.  Maybe I should give up. Maybe I need to start going to counseling or a new therapist.  I may talk to the bishop about that tonight.

the fact is....people do change. I believe in the theory of that.  People seem to do it every now and then. I am not so sure how I am going to put that into practice. I guess I need to pray harder. And work the steps more.  The guy that I asked to be my sponsor may not be a good fit.  I need a coach. I need someone to show me the steps, the way, because I don't know how to do it.  I've been banging my head against the wall too long.  My head is starting to hurt. A lot.