Quick post...
Went to a meeting last night that really impacted me. Lately, I'm struggling with "reasons to fight" and feeling all this emotion and self-pity for being this poor single guy who gets no love. 'Why should I even try?" "Addiction is so hard." "I am so powerless."
Well, I was full of anxiety and fear the whole day. I felt my boss was going to expose me. I felt he was going to pull me in my office and fire me. I have acted out at work. Nothing worse than facebook or youtube though, maybe that's why it hasn't caught up to me.
But what really impacted me was that I want to recover for ME. I want the spirit of it to burn in my bones. I want to feel that peace and joy that recovery brings for ME. I want to enjoy the fruits of repentance.
I am always trying to "not look at porn...not look at garbage" becuase I don't want to get caught, or becasue I want to have this relationship or be with that girl, or so I can keep my respectable reputation.
I WANT RECOVERY BECAUSE IT MAKES MY LIFE BETTER.
Wow, is that selfish?
Is that asking too much??
But here's how I see it....I can only do this for me. I can only work on my recovery. Even if I am clean and pure and all that....people are still going to love or reject me. I could still get fired for whatever reason. Girls could decide not to date me.
I have no power over the world. I only have power (if that) of my own world. I want to connect with God on a real and personal level.
I meet with my new sponsor tonight...I'm actually really excited about this. I'm ready to do whatever he requests. I'm going to assume my ideas don't work...and that his do.
(I'm also reading a fabulous book....I'll post more on what i am learning)
Sometimes it's okay to be selfish. You have to get it there for you or it will never be real recovery. You are right no matter what we do someone will always love us and someone will always not love us. It's just how it is. We have to do it for ourselves not to show anyone else. I have a good friend who keeps telling me she sees no changes in me, no meekness or change in my heart but I have to remind myself I am not in recovery for her just for me and the Lord will show me how I am changing. There's a song I really like that says "no matter what I say it will never change what the truth is." and that is just that. :) Keep fighting!
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth: my husband kept telling me how he wanted to change for me, and it just felt so empty. I didn't WANT someone to change FOR me. I wanted him to change for HIM. He was able to white-knuckle his way through a year and three months of sobriety. He was able to give blessings to his family and feel wholesome. Then the tide came in... and he came to me and said, "I want to do this for ME." That's when -as far as I can observe -that real change began to occur in his heart. It's been slow, but it's been sincere.
ReplyDeleteIt's not selfish. The last thing in the world it is... is selfish.
This line from your post really jumped out at me... "I am always trying to "not look at porn...not look at garbage"
ReplyDeleteI get stuck in that rut a lot. Instead of focusing on positive things I CAN do, I waste my time trying to 'NOT' do things. For me that never works. I struggle with idle time, down time, boredom. These triggers hit me at work, at home or whenever, So what I have been trying to do is fill up my days and my time with good things. I make a daily to-do list. Sometimes its silly stuff like do a load of laundry or take an hour long afternoon nap. But it gives me something to fall back on when I get bored. I have also started trying to spread my dailies out throughout the day. I listen to a conference talk in my office in the morning, read my scriptures during breaks, and then read a recovery book or work the 12 Step Manual before bed.
Keep at it man. Find what works for you and then don't let go.
~~~ I Was Lost
Its a lot but it fills up my days with good things leaving me so much less time to get in trouble.
awesome!! Wanting to change for you isn't selfish at all! It's right. :) You want to be happy, and why not? Men are that they might have joy. Addiction is a peace-robber.
ReplyDeleteI love this post! I love your enthusiasm and determination. Keep on keepin on!