User Dreams

I believe Sidreis wrote a bit on these.  I've never known quite to make of them. The brain is messed up. A 'user dream' is when you dream of outrageous triggering things...sometimes they are downright erotic.

I wont go into details but I had such dreams Sunday and Monday nights. Both times I woke up remembering them vividly. Not cool.

On Monday night, I was with some girl. (no idea who she was....that's typically how they are for me) Things start getting out of hand.  But i remember distinclty feeling how wrong it was. And thinking to myself "wait, i'm not married....I don't even know this girl....this is wrong"  And nothing we were doing was bringing me any peace or joy. I pushed her away and she got mad and left the room.  I woke up shortly after.

I immediately got on my knees.  I poured out my guts to God. I actually thanked him for giving me that special revelation....that all this lust garbage is so shallow.  I want none of it!!  I want REAL intimacy some day...maybe I don't really know what it is, but what I felt in that dream was NOT it.  I really, really hope that I never use a wife for my lust and for my fix.  That just seems so wrong to me.  True, I've done and looked at my share of garbage....but I currently see it as more punishment to self.  I know it'll all be different when I am in a committed relationship or married. Addiction is not a victimless sin.

I realize too how much the whole idea of marital intimacy kinda worries. A lot.  I know I need to not worry about this or stress. But the truth is...I don't know how I am going to react with the whole ordeal.  It is going to require some long, careful discussions for sure.  Dang, I'm so glad that I have time now to get on stable ground.

I also realize that I live so much on the extremes of things. I'm aware of how easily i'm triggered and aroused, by anything and everything.  I can sometimes go about my day paranoid about everything. (kinda like a germaphobe....on my extreme I'm a 'lustaphobe')  And it leads me to be completely shut off with affection.  Seriously, I'm super uneasy about getting too affection with ANYONE. I didn't kiss a girl until I was 22. My next kiss....last year.  My first kiss was about 5 seconds long and it was without any emotional connection. Personally, i thought it was a waste.

And I feel a huge sense of guilt being 'excited' about marital intimacy. I feel only an addict-thinking me would desire that. What a terrible reason to get married!! That's what I tell myself.  Blast, I have such distorted views on it all. It's going to require a lot of learning on my part. I just don't want to be one of those guys that hounds his wife for it or only does nice things in order to 'get some.'  It just seems so dang selfish. and abusive.

I have this immense anxiety to NOT hurt people...especially girls. I just do not want to cause any trouble. Ever. But I guess that may not be quite possible. I'm trying to figure out how to let that go.

I have so many fears and anxieties I guess about relationships and even more so with marriage. I can't think of anything more intense. Last year, with my previous girl, we would have "de-intensification" chats. She would get annoyed by how much I would say "intense" anything marriage was brought up.


Anyway, I'm rambling. But I need to relax. These blog posts only seem to reflect the crazy side of me.  I could spend hours writing about much more interesting things. I actually have alot of hobbies and passions. Maybe I'll write about that one of things days. And say nothing of addiction or fears or recovery. Imagine that.