Ok so today has been a long day. First off, I got a letter from my ex-girlfriend this morning. It was on my car. I don’t know when she dropped it off. Probably late last night.
She shared some thoughts she has had lately about me. Not that she wants to get back together. The contrary actually. She has been concerned about my complete fear of relationships and how I’m robbing myself of future blessings/opportunities. She outlined a lot of my qualities and said some really nice things about me.
My first reaction was one of disbelief and frustration. My initial thoughts were: ‘ What do these little compliments mean to me??’ And ‘of course I can’t date….i’m a freakin addict.’ I did. I didn’t want to really buy any of it. This girl was too ‘lenient’ and too ‘nice’ to me. How am I going to ever find another girl like that?? This is sexual addiction. This is viewing porn. This is getting sexually aroused by OTHER WOMEN. This is lust which destroys love. I know this!! I have studied this. I have read the blogs.
But i did end up writing her a long email and thanked her for her consideration and words. She really is an amazing girl. I just didn't feel right about marrying her. Doesn't mean she isn't awesome.
Anyway, work was exhausting today as well. I failed to let someone I have been working with know about some corrections that needed to occur in their plans. I had to send this long email explaining the situation and how we need to make changes to some drawings. The changes are going to need to be done by next Tuesday. L I don’t deal with failure well.
And in staying late after work to write the email….I missed my evening meeting. These meetings are so hard to make every single night. Freak. How do people do this 90 in 90?? I think 10 in 10 would be a killer accomplishment.
I’m resenting the idea of putting my life on hold. This addiction puts my whole life on hold. Well, I don’t like. Not one bit. I want to live life anyway. And dang it….I’m going to.
I’m hanging out with a different girl tonight. We’re going to go for an evening stroll downtown. And I’m not going to make her cry!! Heck, I’m not going to tell her I’m a porn addict and frankly, tonight, I don’t have to!!
But i'm still sober....still making this fight!!!
I feel like my blog and maybe others have done a disservice to you. My blog makes me look like a pathetic and miserable wretch with nothing on my mind but the OTHER WOMEN my husband is lusting after.
ReplyDeleteWhile I can't speak for anyone else, my relationship with Pete has been a source of tremendous joy and profound fulfillment. We continue to endure a difficult trial and I have guarantees about the outcome. But we have been blessed to not have dealt with the loss of a child or financial difficulty, both major causes of divorce.
While I am not necessarily encouraging you to get married tomorrow, I am just saying that you will never be able to completely protect yourself and your future wife from pain.
So give me a little credit for being emotionally capable of enjoying my life despite the frustration and pain. That sounds harsh but I'm serious! I agree with your ex girlfriend. Quit robbing yourself and dramatizing the addiction.
I'm totally cheering for you. Get out there and live! Make real connections.