The Confession

I did it.   I told the girl I am dating what it is that I have struggled with all these years. 


I had stressed about this for a long time. Friday morning I prayed for like a half an hour straight on how to do it.  I knew it had to be this weekend.  I thought of a letter.  I thought of an email.  But I wanted to say it in person. We were hitting the point where I don't think our relationship could have emotionally advanced any further.  I concluded that it needed to be discussed Sunday night. Beforehand, I told her to pray for it and be ready.

We drove up to the Draper Temple grounds.  I discussed some other things first, then after I made a long pause...I said it. "I am recovering from an addiction to pornography. And I am on day 51." 

She already knew of the days...she knew it was for something important. She knew that I had told her many times that I have been working on a healing and repenting of some major things.  She wasn't shocked. She held my hand and felt for me.  Good grief girls are so compassionate!!  I didn't give details.  I didn't go into the whole, long history of it.  I may at a later point, but tonight that wasn't needed.  I told her clearly that this will be something that I battle seriously for the next few months/years (and quite frankly...all my life).  She accepts that too.

What a wonderful girl!!  God bless all the sweet and understanding girls.  What a relieft!!


I am NOT going to slacken my pace or get lazy in my recovery now though!!!  The battle rages on.  But now I have a teammate that I care alot about and who cares alot about me.  Thanks C!!!

Wild at Heart

I was reading in the book “Wild at Heart” and felt compelled to write some thoughts.

This book is subtitled: discovering the secret of a man’s soul. These are the author’s ideas. You may disagree, but so far I think i agree with alot of his points.

He poses 3 things that a man truly desires. I think these are me

1-            A BATTLE TO FIGHT FOR

                We like competition. We like the struggle.  We like danger. We like engaging in activities that will frighten our mothers.  We grow up with toy guns. We play tackle football. We want the promotion at work.  I personally do triathlons. I want to beat out everyone. And when I am beat, I congratulate the winner but I want to out train him for the next race. Life is dull without the battle.

2-            AN ADVENTURE TO LIVE

                We need wilderness.  We need to explore. We need to disappear for a few hours sometimes and go somewhere we have never been before. The author makes it clear that this isn’t to be confused with “machoman” but a more authentic masculinity.  We need a test, a challenge. We want to see if we have what it really takes.

3-            A BEAUTY TO RESCUE

                Romeo had his Juliet. King Arthur had his Guinevere.  There is nothing more inspiring to a man than a beautiful woman. True beauty in a woman does not simply imply her looks (although that is very important to us too)  It is all the goodness in her.  We have a need to be the hero of the girl.  It is not enough to have a battle to fight, but to have someone to fight the battle for.  

Compare this to the 3 true desires of a woman that he lists.  The Feminine Heart.

1-            EVERY WOMAN YEARNS TO BE FOUGHT FOR

                She was to be longed for. She wants to be noticed.  She wants to be desired and pursued. She wants the man to make her a priority. She wants to be cherished and know that she is the one and only of his heart. She delights in seeing him make the efforts to be with her or to connect with her.

2-            EVERY WOMAN WANTS AN ADVENTURE TO SHARE

                Yes, they want to be fought for, but they want to be a part of the adventure. That’s why women will follow their man through a long graduate school program.  That’s why women will get up early to pack him a lunch and give him a kiss before his big presentation at work that day that he worked tirelessly to prepare for.  That’s why the woman wants to help him in his struggles when he lets her know how he’s feeling.

3-            EVERY WOMEN WANTS TO HAVE A BEAUTY TO UNVEIL

                She wants to be delighted in.  She wants to feel beautiful and special. She wants to captivate the man.  It is not the desire of a woman to be tough, independent, and efficient, although a strong woman will do so if she has to (like how Maurice speaks of the pioneer woman).  She wants to wear the cute outfit and receive some attention.  This is not insecurity. And personally, a little insecurity in a woman is kinda attractive bc it allows the man to be her hero.

Addiction destroys all these desires in me.  Lust causes me to not fight battles. I let the battles beat me. My only adventure is how much can I get without getting caught.  There is no one beauty but hundreds that don’t even know who I am. There is no fight for a women bc it takes no effort to click the mouse. Lust is the ultimate counterfeit of all that is true in us.

                Women  DO NOT like the lies, being left out of the fight, or not being fought for. They want the man to go to meetings and be honest and get the help he needs.  I read it in the posts, they cheer for their man when he fights this battle in the right way with her in huddle.

Why can't we win??

Let's talk rationally about this.

So women wonder why men keep looking at porn or engaging in Mr. M over and over.  Don't we know that it is bad?? Don't we know how bad it hurts them?

Ok, let's get past this.  I am an intelligent person.  I know that pornography is wrong.  i know that it is fueled by lust.  I have watched conference after conference where they tell us that it is addictive and a pernicious disease.  I have had a mother pissed off and enraged at me for this.  I have seen relationship after relationship go nowhere because I can't stay interested bc i'm so full of lust.

Is the problem that we don't know what's up??  Are we not winning because maybe we haven't read enough scriptures or maybe we don't pray enough??  Is self-loathing going to free us of this??  No it isn't.


Look at the bigger picture. In order to beat this addiction we have to learn the process of repentance.  The WHOLE PROCESS. We have to learn the atonement.  We have to learn how to forfeit our wills.  We have to learn to let our anger and tempers go.  We have to learn how to communicate.  We have to learn how to connect with others.

In a strange way, this addiction has beaten me to the ground and now I am wholeheartedly humbled so that now God can build me back up.


Think about the military....THAT'S WHAT THEY DO IN BASIC TRAINING! THEY BEAT YOUR SELF-WILL OUT OF YOU!  The military can't have all these hot shots doing whatever.

Guys, stop trying to fight this. Stop trying to 'be the tough guy'.  Quit trying to fight the sergeant.

I have beat my head against the wall for 13 years straight. My head hurts.  I have come up with brilliant plans. Brilliant schemes and they all failed.  How can it be??  I am too smart to get beat by an addiction!!

Well, truth is, I am powerless.  Is this so shameful??  I have to do what works. Nothing else matters. If I have to confess everything to a sponsor, so be it.  If I have to learn how to feel emotions and discern them, so be it. If I have to go to a meeting once a week and introduce myself as a sexaholic, so be it.  If I have to tell a bishop and lose the right to take the sacrament and have everyone see me, SO BE IT!!!!

Whose army do we belong to??  God’s!!  Let him be the general. Let him be the sergeant.

Day 46 today. One day at a time!!

The pre-chat

I had a good chat with the girl i'm dating last night.  I prayed.  I called my sponsor.  I called two other friends. I wrote up a script on what I was going to say. Honestly, I really hate saying the wrong things, even though I always do, so i prepared the best I felt i could.  (this was not the big confession...)

We met up and walked around her neighborhood.  I was open and honest. I expressed how my feelings for her are a little disjointed. That I am trying to be fair with her and not lead her on.  I did express that I want to keep dating but maybe not as fast or as much as we are doing.  (two dates in a week is alot for me).  I also told her about how I was kinda uncomfortable about the Saturday night set-up and about being "the boyfriend."  I apologized for not being more straightforward Saturday night about the dinner at parents thing.

Then we sat on her porch and had a real good chat about life and goals.  It was nice. And of course we ended up saying a long good bye (which means a long good night kiss).


You know? honesty communication really helps.  who would have known??  (all the women in relationships raise their hand) 


I am going to tell her about my addiction this coming weekend.  I have been preparing myself for this for a long time. (For much longer than I have known her). 

My plan is to write a long letter (i am still too cowardly to say it initally in person).  I express myself much better in writing.  I am going to give the honest truth but spare specific details.  I don't want to minimize it but tell it like it is.  If she wants to know more then I will be prepared to tell her.

I'm in a good place now but I am just starting real recovery.


I am not going to say one way or the other about what I expect from her. Her decision is completely out of my control.  We will be both be out of town the first week of May so I will take that time to withdraw for 2 weeks to let her really mull it over in her heart and mind.  (i kinda need a break anyway...to make sure I know how I feel about the whole thing)


If she has issues, i may need some advice from the women!!  Seriously, I don't want this girl to have any false notions about what sexual addiction is.  Nothing light or flippant about it!

weekend emotions

I needed to get some thoughts out.  today was an emotional day for me. I am hitting walls.  Not even with the addiction.  For the past 2 months i have been working on a relationship.  I told God back in the Fall that I need to go on some dates. I need to rmember what that's like.  It had been a year since my last relationship and probably a good 5 years before that. (i'm 27 now)

anyway, so we were out Friday and also Saturday.  I get an unpleasant knot in my stomach before most every date. I don't know exactly why.  I'ts hard to tell.

but I was nerve racked before this one.  She was bringing alot of her friends along and making it a real group date. I was to be her guy. I was the "boyfriend".  I felt uncomfortable the whole evening.  She thinks we are a total couple and here i am having doubts and issues about the whole thing.  it is not my intention to "lead her on" or use it to satsify my lusts.  In fact, having someone to emotionally bond with has helped my recovery immensely.

but at the end of the night, i have to be honest with myself.....I am not feeling it.  I am not feeling this relationship.  I'm a little sad about it. I am frustrated too that it always ends up like this. every time...


I don't know if it's her or just my corrupt view of love/relationships.  i am not well.  I am emotionally sick!!  there is no way to deny that.  i don't mean that in a self-loathing way.  Until I can fully love god and myself, how am i supposed to love somone else??  I can't give right now.


it gets worse. I was texting a friend about that this morning and half the text got sent to her.  luckily the first part wasn't mentioned.but  i commented to the friend (and to the girl) how i wasn't comfortble about seeing her for dinner at her parents.  I had to run to my sister during church to get some advice before I blundered it.  relationships cause me so much anxiety.  I told the girl in a text that i would need to talk to her tonight and get some things off my mind. she knows I have issues but not that i am having doubts about the relationship.  I think i want to withdraw a bit.  I need more healing.  I need better recovery.  My sponsor agrees with that too.  i will be in a better place to give and to love.



I'm sure i'll post tomorrow about how tonight goes.

one day at a time. Day 44 today.

First Step Inventory

quick post then I'm going to go outside enjoy this nice weather.


I made a huge stride in recovery this week. (doesn't mean i'm now magically clean and I can relax now)

I wrote up my first step inventory.  This is something that we do in SA.  I have been discussing recovery with a sponsor.  My sponsor has been in the program for a long time.  He is in a really good place.

An inventory comprises of all the history and details of the addiction.  This isn't even the thorough fourth step inventory which i will write later which goes into resentments, angers, fears, defects.  This inventory answers the questions:  Why am I an addict?  How did i end up at a SA (sexaholics anonymous) meeting?  Why do I need it?

I spent two hours on Thursday writing. 14 pages. I had a great deal of emotions come up because of it.  It is one long road of crap. This addiction is such a disease.  There are only two courses with addiction:  either you slowly degenerate to death or the worst form of acting out you can imagine or you stop entirely.  I can see over the course of more than a decade of how I cross one line after the next. Over and over.  Lust cannot be satisfied. It always gets worse.  It doesn't just go away either.   

I had my sponsor read the whole thing. every page.  In two weeks I am going to share it with the entire group, but they will get me.  No shame anymore.  We've had enough of that all our lives.


We have to get this stuff out of our system! It is like a plugged sewer line.  You have to pump all the sewerage out.  Not even mere sobriety, not even mere "I haven't looked in a while", will cure us of this.  To be honest, you are never cured, you are in recovery.  Just like a cancer survivor, you simply have to remain in recovery and live with hope and dependence on God.  Only God can fix this anyway.

Cleaning up the mess may take a while.  I accept this fact.  It will be hard. The damage was bad enough in my life and bad in other's lives.



One day at a time.  One bucket full of garbage and sewerage to scoop out at a time. 

Fears

I need a quick post. I had to surrender some fears and insecurities this morning. In SA we speak of surrendering quite a bit. Since we are essentially powerless over our weaknesses, hurts, corrupt behaviors, we have to turn them over to God.

I have to be honest about something.  I feel that unless I produce real results, I cannot be rewarded.  Unless I maintain solid and continued sobriety, I cannot and should not be loved.  Simply "trying my best" doesn't even cut it.  It has been that way my entire life.  I wouldn't say I'm a perfectionist. (maybe a little), but i have to deal with this pressure of having to perform and accomplish at all times. 

I don't like people to "like" me or get attached. Especially girls.  However, the addict in me wants to be lusted after. I want girls to lust after me but not too get attached.  Addicts have to stay mobile and sneaky.  The lust feeds off of this idea of attention, the "oh, she wants me..", but we fear anything beyond that.

It is kinda sad. That is what this lust wants; every girl on the screen wants us, desires us, and she is so willing to give. It makes me sick thinking about it.  I'm sure this is disturbing for the wives out there. It is pleasure without any real substance.

but lately, I look at lust or those temptations and realize they have nothing. NOTHING.  I have a real girl that I am dating. We can talk. We can joke.  We can cuddle.  We can kiss. AND IT ISN'T LUSTFUL, EMPTY, OR WRONG.  but yet.....I want to repel that.....I am trying very hard to allow her to like me. To bond emotionally with me.  I have to surrender my desire to run every day. and before every date. ah....

Day 40 today! one day at a time!!!

Leprosy

Here is a link to a great article written by Andrew, author of Rowboat and Marbles.

He compares sexual addiction to Leprosy.  I thoroughly agree with this.  (Imagine if we had special compounds where we put all the addicts...)   It sucks life out of us. We can't beat it by ourselves. We have to isolate physically, mentally.  We try to hide it but everyone knows something is off.


The truth is...without proper healing, without a spiritual program, without the connection with God and with other recovering addicts, you will remain a leper.  I am a leper.  I will be a leper for a good while.  Even when I get "healed/cleansed", I will have to remain involved in the healing of other addicts. 

I am pretty sure that this battle with Satan is not going away.  I am pretty sure the world is just going to get worse.  The world and the media make me sick.  I don't own a TV. I don't watch it anymore.  I don't even go to new movies anymore. Do you people out there allergic to dogs and cats hang out at the animal shelter??  If you are allergic to peanuts do you eat them thinking you'll be okay??   I'm too allergic to lust.

 For those in this, those married to those who are, it is safe to say, "we are all enlisted until the conflict is over."

The conflict will continue until Christ himself comes again to the earth and declares that the work is finished.

Why do I fight??

My old therapist Maurice (who runs a very good blog ) would send me this question in a text every morning.  This is an obvious question, right??  Actually it isn't.  This question needs to be refreshed EVERY SINGLE DAY!!

In a Jan. 30 journal entry, I wanted my answer on paper.  You can also answer this question on a day to day basis which I like to do but I came up with my big 5.  When my chemical levels are off or if lust is trying to creep in, I like to review the big 5. 

Here they are:

1-  It is my mortal purpose.
       I believe in God. I believe God. I believe I am a spiritual being on an earth in a fallen state.  I have a mortal body.  It is my mortal (also eternal) purpose to learn how to subdue the flesh to the spirit. Recovering from addiction is teaching me this process.

2- I desire the companionship of the Holy Ghost
       What is the promise of all our covenants?? What is the greatest gift granted in this life??  It is the guidance of the third member of the Godhead.  His presence allows you to discern lust, discern when things are off, discern mood shifts. It sharpens all your abilities.  Sobriety and honesty encourage His presence.

3- I want to serve and love people more.
        I have many opportunities to serve. I have a pretty solid testimony and understanding of the gospel.  I am not afraid to open my mouth and speak gospel truth.  I can home teach. I can do service where ever. I need purity and love to burn within my soul, otherwise lust and apathy set in and I could care less about anyone else.

4-  I want to return to the temple.
        I am LDS. I love being LDS. I think everyone should be as well.  The temple is the holiest and most sacred place on planet earth. I want to be worthy and able to attend and worship there. When I am able to enter again, I want to remain worthy to attend every week. There is great power in this.

5-  I want to be worthy and ready to date, have a serious relationship, and get married in the Lord's temple.
       This is not my item #1.  This reason will naturally flow from the fulfillment of reasons 1-4. I don't know personally (only bc I haven't experienced it), but I have been promised by those who are wiser, that the pinnacle of human happiness culminates in true marital love.  That is the truth. That is sound doctrine.  All that exists, all that was created, was to exalt man and woman together in eternal, celestial love and unity. 


I fight today. Today is day 37. One day at a time. Always one day at a time.


Why do you fight??  Why do you care??  

The Trouble with Commitment

I need another post. This blogging stuff!! So for the past month I have allowed myself to date someone. I say allow, bc for the past 5 years I have sabotaged any relationship when emotions showed up or when I hit the 2 month mark.  I want to say a few things for the addicts or those with addicts.

Lust and love cannot co-exist.  Can I be more clear on that??  Faith and fear cannot co-exist either.

I have spent the past 13 years indulging in lust and addiction.  My brain is not wired properly.  Honestly, normal emotional connections and love and commitment, all these elements are not in my system.  I GREATLY desire to be able to experience those things.  I will some day.  But the whole process needs to take time and be thorough.

My sponsor texted me this, "easy does it".  I will have to be patient with my recovery.  It may take several more months.  maybe years.  well, probably, my entire mortality.


I made the decision to proceed with dating anyway back in the Fall. I may not be entirely healed and stable but I needed the added strength.  (Trust me being able to be around good girls and interacting with them is extremely helpful!) 

The girl I'm seeing is totally solid. She has a great relationship with God. She told me last night that she is solid whatever I choose to do.  (She still doesn't know what I deal with, but she knows I have some sort of issues)  I am crippled with the fear of ruining or hurting some girl like SOOOO many men have done. I have sworn an oath with God that I will not do so. 

But now.....I'm in a jam. Not sure how I can or should proceed. At what point are you solid enough to date and get serious??  60%  100%   Do I tell her all now?  Withdraw?  Proceed the best I can even though my heart and mind don't function properly??  Is that fair to her at all?? I just don't know. It's been on my mind all morning.  I guess you can't be healed in 2 months....

Monday....

Feeling a little stressed and a little frustrated.  I write it down.  I feel it.  I surrender it.  Life isn't so bad.  I really don't have much to worry about.  I admit i am powerless over my addiction.  I can't win on will power alone.  I can't fight it and win.  I simply cannot.  It destroys me every time. For the longest time I would let that demoralize me.  A man does not like to accept the fact that he is powerless against something. We don't!!  We are conquerors. But even sometimes I have to look in the ring, see Brock Lesner in there, and say to myself, "I don't want this fight, I have nothing to prove.  He will kill me. Life is better without this fight."  And then send in Heavenly Father. No one can beat him.

hope Easter was good for the world.  I sure enjoyed mine.

Truth Statements and Dailies

I also wanted to mention that it is imperative that you do all the rigorous training as well.  My former therapist, Maurice (he has a great blog too) stressed this quite a bit.  (we stop meeting because I moved away from that area). 

1-  Have a plan for the day
       Before going to bed each night, I write on a white board what I am doing the next day. I plan out when I am reading scriptures or reading recovery literature.  I mark what workouts im doing during lunch.  I plan to make a few calls, one in the morning, one in the afternoon/evening.  Try and pray to know where the attacks may hit.  The nephites always had spies to know where the lamanites would hit. Or they consulted God to know.

2-  Prayer and Scripture Study
        I would assume that a lot of guys are doing this. This obviously builds spiritual strength.  If I don't have some spiritual walls put up, my reaction times are really slow.  Lust and evil will be more obvious to discern when we stay spiritually sharp.  If i'm apathetic, then clicking the mouse on whatever simply b/c i'm bored doesn't seem so bad. "Hey, I wasn't looking for something bad."  yeah, right. Be wise.

3-  3 X 5 cards
        After I read in the morning, i like to write on a 3 X 5 card exactly what I am feeling and how I will win that day.  On a separate page, I have written my 5 reasons of why I want to be clean.  (i'll post that at another day). I want to keep those strong in my mind.  If you don't have the reasons to fight, then your brain will deteriorate quickly when lust hits.  I also have a card with goals, one on how I plan to treat a future wife, and some other positive affirmations.  Write truth! Even if you still don't believe it. If you can't believe in yourself, at least believe in the principles, because they do work.

How to win one day at a time

So I am going to be honest, i am no pro at recovery, at being sober, at going years or even months with complete purity and righteousness.  I am on day 28 today.  Before that, I racked up 15 days.  Not much time for sure.  But before that I was lucky to go 10 days without giving into lust. I am pleased where I am at. The Holy Ghost is with me which means God is pleased.

Here is what I am doing to win one day at a time.

1-         EMBRACING A 12 STEP PROGRAM

            I am working with an SA group. You may be familiar with ARP or PASG. Well, SA is the AA version.  Sexaholics Anonymous.  Sounds pretty intense. In fact, many people in the group have done far worse stuff that I ranging from prostitutes, prison, to paying for abortions.  I have never had sex.  Never came close to it. In fact, I had my first full make out session with a girl less than a month ago (and it was kinda nice..not lustful which surprised me)

            This is what I learn from SA:

1)      Admit you are powerless.  There is nothing weak about admitting your weaknesses. My weakness is that I am addicted to lust.  Sure you can say porn, or sex, but really, it is lust, which is the antithesis of love. Even below the lust, are emotional issues.

2)      Believe in a power greater than yourself.  Don’t stop at feeling powerless, go to the next step! Take hope. Take hope even if you don’t want it. You can’t live with fear nor hopelessness.

3)      Be willing to turn you will over to God.  Surrender. You will hear this principle a lot with SA members.  You feel lust; you surrender it to God. You feel resentment; you surrender it to God.  I cannot go toe-to-toe with the lust monster. He has kicked my trash since I was about 13.  I don’t want to fight it.  I want to let it go. Don’t get in the ring with lust.

4)      Make phone calls. This is part of the surrender process.  It brings the lust to light. Anything of the devil wants shame and secrecy. I make a call to someone in the group.  I tell them how I am feeling.  It is not just about, “uh, I feel horny. I want porn.” Ok, what am I really feeling?? Usually, I’m upset that I don’t have a wife. Or maybe I am resenting  someone. Or maybe I simply didn’t eat breakfast.  Call someone and explain it thoroughly, then accept their advice if they give it.

5)      FEELINGS. Men do not like feelings. I don’t!! I have spent the past 5 years focusing on school and my physical abilities. But this has been the biggest turning point. You have to feel!!  You have to allow yourself to feel even the uncomfortable stuff. Don’t sweep it under the rug, but feel it.  And describe it to someone and be okay with it! Emotions are okay. Let the negative ones go. This takes time and practice for sure.

2-         ONE DAY AT A TIME MENTALITY

            Quit trying to set these ridiculous long-term goals. Fine, think ahead. BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY, I CAN ONLY WORRY ABOUT THE MOMENT! I CAN ONLY WIN ONE DAY! I CAN ONLY SURRENDER LUST WHEN IT OCCURS! I cannot fight tomorrow’s battle now.  Don’t overwhelm yourselves. Women need to rejoice every day that their men wins. Don’t get all panicky! Fear is of the devil. He wants us to get all worked up. “what if I never get married…???”  “what if I get into a relationship and then she rejects me when she finds out my secret???” "I can't quit. I can't be clean!"
            Just today. Just one day. Relax. Believe. Be honest. Feel the emotions.

Resurrection

So after abandoning this blog, I would like to continue it.  Much has occured over the past several months.  I feel much better.  I have a much better perspective of recovery.  I am not fearful of the future, nor am I making it up as I go.

I have been following several blogs of women who are either divorced or married to sex/porn addicts.  Their stories are very real and very heart-breaking.  They have rallied together for support, for strength, and often to simply stay sane.  The effects of this plague are equally real and heart-breaking for the men.

I wish to voice the viewpoint of the addict.  I have learned a tremendous amount about the viewpoint of the women.  I confess that I will NEVER understand women fully (what man can!) but I understand better what they have to go through and what they expect.

I am no expert on the matter of recovery.  I have been enjoying some sobriety lately but I can crash at any given moment if I don't stick to what I know.

This blog will be my journey.  I welcome anyone's comments.  I will ask questions.  I will answer questions.  We need to rally together on this.  Not just the women, but the men as well.  (for heaven's sake, ESPECIALLY THE MEN!)

We don't have to continue getting slaughtered by the Lamanites!