The Trouble with Commitment

I need another post. This blogging stuff!! So for the past month I have allowed myself to date someone. I say allow, bc for the past 5 years I have sabotaged any relationship when emotions showed up or when I hit the 2 month mark.  I want to say a few things for the addicts or those with addicts.

Lust and love cannot co-exist.  Can I be more clear on that??  Faith and fear cannot co-exist either.

I have spent the past 13 years indulging in lust and addiction.  My brain is not wired properly.  Honestly, normal emotional connections and love and commitment, all these elements are not in my system.  I GREATLY desire to be able to experience those things.  I will some day.  But the whole process needs to take time and be thorough.

My sponsor texted me this, "easy does it".  I will have to be patient with my recovery.  It may take several more months.  maybe years.  well, probably, my entire mortality.


I made the decision to proceed with dating anyway back in the Fall. I may not be entirely healed and stable but I needed the added strength.  (Trust me being able to be around good girls and interacting with them is extremely helpful!) 

The girl I'm seeing is totally solid. She has a great relationship with God. She told me last night that she is solid whatever I choose to do.  (She still doesn't know what I deal with, but she knows I have some sort of issues)  I am crippled with the fear of ruining or hurting some girl like SOOOO many men have done. I have sworn an oath with God that I will not do so. 

But now.....I'm in a jam. Not sure how I can or should proceed. At what point are you solid enough to date and get serious??  60%  100%   Do I tell her all now?  Withdraw?  Proceed the best I can even though my heart and mind don't function properly??  Is that fair to her at all?? I just don't know. It's been on my mind all morning.  I guess you can't be healed in 2 months....