Fears

I need a quick post. I had to surrender some fears and insecurities this morning. In SA we speak of surrendering quite a bit. Since we are essentially powerless over our weaknesses, hurts, corrupt behaviors, we have to turn them over to God.

I have to be honest about something.  I feel that unless I produce real results, I cannot be rewarded.  Unless I maintain solid and continued sobriety, I cannot and should not be loved.  Simply "trying my best" doesn't even cut it.  It has been that way my entire life.  I wouldn't say I'm a perfectionist. (maybe a little), but i have to deal with this pressure of having to perform and accomplish at all times. 

I don't like people to "like" me or get attached. Especially girls.  However, the addict in me wants to be lusted after. I want girls to lust after me but not too get attached.  Addicts have to stay mobile and sneaky.  The lust feeds off of this idea of attention, the "oh, she wants me..", but we fear anything beyond that.

It is kinda sad. That is what this lust wants; every girl on the screen wants us, desires us, and she is so willing to give. It makes me sick thinking about it.  I'm sure this is disturbing for the wives out there. It is pleasure without any real substance.

but lately, I look at lust or those temptations and realize they have nothing. NOTHING.  I have a real girl that I am dating. We can talk. We can joke.  We can cuddle.  We can kiss. AND IT ISN'T LUSTFUL, EMPTY, OR WRONG.  but yet.....I want to repel that.....I am trying very hard to allow her to like me. To bond emotionally with me.  I have to surrender my desire to run every day. and before every date. ah....

Day 40 today! one day at a time!!!