weekend emotions

I needed to get some thoughts out.  today was an emotional day for me. I am hitting walls.  Not even with the addiction.  For the past 2 months i have been working on a relationship.  I told God back in the Fall that I need to go on some dates. I need to rmember what that's like.  It had been a year since my last relationship and probably a good 5 years before that. (i'm 27 now)

anyway, so we were out Friday and also Saturday.  I get an unpleasant knot in my stomach before most every date. I don't know exactly why.  I'ts hard to tell.

but I was nerve racked before this one.  She was bringing alot of her friends along and making it a real group date. I was to be her guy. I was the "boyfriend".  I felt uncomfortable the whole evening.  She thinks we are a total couple and here i am having doubts and issues about the whole thing.  it is not my intention to "lead her on" or use it to satsify my lusts.  In fact, having someone to emotionally bond with has helped my recovery immensely.

but at the end of the night, i have to be honest with myself.....I am not feeling it.  I am not feeling this relationship.  I'm a little sad about it. I am frustrated too that it always ends up like this. every time...


I don't know if it's her or just my corrupt view of love/relationships.  i am not well.  I am emotionally sick!!  there is no way to deny that.  i don't mean that in a self-loathing way.  Until I can fully love god and myself, how am i supposed to love somone else??  I can't give right now.


it gets worse. I was texting a friend about that this morning and half the text got sent to her.  luckily the first part wasn't mentioned.but  i commented to the friend (and to the girl) how i wasn't comfortble about seeing her for dinner at her parents.  I had to run to my sister during church to get some advice before I blundered it.  relationships cause me so much anxiety.  I told the girl in a text that i would need to talk to her tonight and get some things off my mind. she knows I have issues but not that i am having doubts about the relationship.  I think i want to withdraw a bit.  I need more healing.  I need better recovery.  My sponsor agrees with that too.  i will be in a better place to give and to love.



I'm sure i'll post tomorrow about how tonight goes.

one day at a time. Day 44 today.