So i made a tough decision this weekend but I feel much peace about it. I feel i've actually managed to let God's will dictate and not mine. I resisted. A good 30 hours straight. I surrendered.
I have decided to ACTUALLY give up dating. Not just say that I am and then go out with girls telling myself "What? We're just friends....this isn't a date." I am also going to let go of trying to call and to get them to like me. I prayed all day Saturday about it and received no peace. I went to the temple Saturday night and still had no peace, not even there. I fasted and did an extra long fast. No peace. I got home from church and wrote it all out. Talked to a wise friend in the program. I decided not to tell this girl all my history and past. I didn't feel peace with that option. I wrote her an email that I need to get some things sorted out and that relationships aren't in my best direction RIGHT NOW. I made no promises about the future either. I went down to see her. We had a great time. had dinner. I like this girl. My will is to pursue her and try and get her to like me more. I am going to give it up. And she is being understanding about it. (Girls are freaking amazing....how am i just figuring this out?? I used to be so fearful of their reactions)
I feed off attention from females. I'm addicted to it I guess. I admit that here. I'm not necessarily after sex (i'm a virgin). Never even seen a girl naked. In fact, I have never once deliberately touched a girl inappropriately. Yay for me, right? I deserve to be applauded, right? :) But i thrive and obsessess over the attention. The spirit has been working on me that I need to be willing to give that up. I am not well right now. I will be. I will. But I had to be willing to give up my will to let God's dictate. But in my mind...."dating is totally fine! How is this a bad thing?? I only go out with good LDS girls. I don't do anything inappropriate. What is the big deal?"
The problem here is not my attraction to girls. The problem is not my desire for closeness, trust, and intimacy. The problem is my emotional and mental obsession for female attention to fill a void, or seek some sort of validation from them.
I must let God fill that. Not anyone else. No human being on this planet ought to do that. This is why i crashed after my last break up.
I can no longer think to myself, "i'm going to rack up sobriety days...so that I can get a girlfriend...and then she will be able to like/love me becase I have sobriety."
Nope. I do this for ME. I do this bc it is my mortal purpose. Sure, i have that future wife in mind. Sure, I have my job in mind. I even have to let go of all future worries and expectations. I have to embrace the idea that I am going to plan and work for TODAY. I can be sober today. I know how to win one day. It's not really based on my willpower. (even though i like to think I am a man of great willpower). I'm like a little toddler who needs to hold his mommy's hand to cross the street. No sense crying about that. Whatever it takes to cross the street!!!
Day 21 today. ODAAT
Well done my friend. I feel this is a really important decision. So often other motives try and compete with what should be our real motive and we think that they will be enough (job, girls, willpower, money), but true sobriety much be built on a spiritual foundation. Anything else will surely fall over time. Well done on taking a step back and building on the right foundation - things will work out in time on this road
ReplyDeleteThis is a huge defining moment for you. I'm glad you blogged it... because there is going to come a time when you will doubt this revelation. Satan will sneak in and show you a gem of a girl and whisper to you that it's the best idea since squirty cheese to ask her out. He will instill in you a real sickening NEED to talk to her, attend her, breathe her... you'll feel every cell in your body turn it's attention on her.
ReplyDeleteThat is addiction.
You asked "But in my mind...."dating is totally fine! How is this a bad thing?? I only go out with good LDS girls. I don't do anything inappropriate. What is the big deal?"
AA, SA and all the Anonymous's really, counsel against dating for the first year of real hard recovery. Dating, as awesome as it is, is a distraction from recovery. Anything that distracts you from recovery should be backburned for a while. A good while.
And what will keep you from that gem of a girl? The Grace of God, if you will have it.
You are in the right track with this:-) I love it.
you are awesome! I love this post. You are truly an inspiration. I like the phrase you use- "rack up sobriety days." It really puts a new perspective on honesty for me. Made me think- do I want to be "sober for ___ days" and wear it like a badge of honor, or do I want to recover?
ReplyDeleteKeep up the good decisions. Thanks for blogging.