Calling it out

I want to get some things out.  I’ve had a decent week. I have some great tools that I have learned over the past several months on how to deflate the lust that is constantly building up. That is how is seems…the lust just naturally builds up. Every thought, every look/glance…it just builds and needs to feed and consume.

The only thing I can counter it with is with truth. With reality. And sometimes this involves calling it out. I have to call it out exactly.  I do this in 3 ways.  I write it out.  I have a little notebook next to my computer at work. Yesterday morning I got triggered by a link to Macy’s. It kills me bc I know there are links to attractive models and clothes and worse items of clothing. I clicked. And looked.  It was immensely appealing. But I declared to myself what I was doing and why I was doing it.  What do I get out of this?? i closed it down (and you addicts know how hard closing the browser can be) And it felt empty. I wrote it out.  I validated my feelings. That I do in fact like viewing that stuff.  I am attracted to it. But then I expressed what I was really feeling.  The feeling under the action.  I crave true intimacy.  Yes, I would like to be in a healthy, intimate marriage. And you know what…there may be times my future wife feels the same.  I actually felt the spirit thinking about that. It ended up not being a trigger for me. To think about the joys and the pureness of what true union and intimacy bring…all this ‘taking’ and ‘lusting’ doesn’t do a DANG THING. It leaves me more empty.

It isn't my desire to be a good, passionate, kind husband some day.  It isn't my desire to have pure marital intimacy.  It is the unnatural craving/obsession/addiction for it.  Lust is asexual. It doesn't care how its fed. It could be alcohol, food, sex, porn.  it truly is cunning and baffling.

Second way: tell god. Tell him EXACTLY how I am feeling and what I am doing. Sometimes just doing this, jostles the brain of how absurb the act is.  Really? Looking at garbage at work and being tempted to act out right there??? Reset the sobriety?? I'm going to feel better about myself after giving in??  Is this time going to be different??  Yeah, doesn’t sound like a good idea then.   Then it is important for me to plead and pour out my soul. I let it go.  He knows. He knows what I’m thinking. He knows that the neurons and chemicals in my brain are out of whack. He knows that. BUT HE WANTS ME TO KNOW IT AND TELL HIM!

Third way: telling someone else. I want to isolate so badly.  I want to slink away and not have anyone be involved in my life. I want to push them out and tell them to deal with their own lives.  And that is exactly when I make a call. J  The White Book talks about that a lot. I called a friend at 7 am, at 1030 am, at 6 pm, and at 830 pm.  I also went to my SA group meeting. I had a bad attitude. I didn’t want to be there and didn’t want to be an addict. I didn’t want to share or say anything.  So what did I do…I shared. And felt the power of a sincere surrender to the group.  We mortals are not meant to suffer alone. Or have joy alone.  What’s the big deal?? Ask yourself…if someone in need called me right now, would I listen to them?? You bet I would.  Well, I think most people feel that way.

Blast, there is so much more I could write about.  I don’t want this to be too long. Who wants to read a long, run on blog post??? Ahaha.  Well, I’m feeling good today.  I made an appointment with my therapist that I haven’t seen since March. I need some additional help. And counsel on what to do next with my life and mostly with the dating situation. Back to the front!