The power of support

ahh.... the past few days have been rough. 

I've battling everything.  It seems everything is a trigger and there is no time to relax.  I have so much in life to do.  Honestly I set it up that way.

I don't have much to post.  I wrote some friends emails yesterday that dumped all my angers and frustrations. I don't like to put them here. I wrote some pretty intense things.

This morning I decided that I didn't want to go the whole day without plenty of support.

I texted 16 guys that i know saying that I am feeling weak and that I need support today.
I got two calls without minutes and 3 other people texted back asking how I am specifically feeling, what is triggering me, and also good advice.

This is the difference between a day with no objective excpet to get through it (which can often mean mindless web searching, lusting on facebook, you name it)  versus a day where I actually win and stay productive.

One guy recommended writing out things i'm grateful for. here's what I texted him:

• I'm grateful for my support team
• I'm grateful for the people who care and can relate to me
• i'm grateful for my job. It pays well and my coworkers are all awesome. (all of them)
• i'm grateful to be 100% debt-free
• I'm grateful to be in good health.  (I have amazing endurance and strength too)
• I'm grateful I have somewhere to turn to when in hard times. I don't have to suffer alone now.
• I'm grateful for my knowledge of the gospel and of the plan of salvation.
• I'm grafeful for God, for Christ, and also for the peace/strength the holy ghost brings.
• I'm grateful to have a sound mind and some level of intelligence. (addiction makes me insane though)
• I'm grateful I am at least willing to admit defeat and reach out to others.  (I am not ashamed to tell another man exactly what I am feeling and also exactly what kind of crap I've gotten into)
• I'm grateful that the sun is out (Utah is still bloody cold, but the sun is OUT)

That's all I have.  I am addicted. so utterly addicted. But I see this as a larger war.  If this takes the rest of my life....I will conquer. I will let God mold me into something great.  My goal is exaltation in the next life. However long that takes.  Whatever the cost.

I am going to continue to reach out all day long.  My expiration date is like 1 hour right now. Today is going to be a Gettysburg for me.