#19 Wednesday study

I’ll be quick because I’m at work.  I met with the bishop last night.  I was feeling mixed on the whole thing. He pulls out his recommend book and begins the questions.  I answer to the affirmative on all the questions. We get to the “Do you live the law of chastity?” and I don’t feel it.  I said no.  I said that I am not going to answer yes until I feel that I am.  Right now, I feel like I’m trying to get this recommend to look good in front of others.  My little brother was going to be entering the temple for his endowments this Saturday.  But my mom let me know Monday night that this was cancelled.  Also, with going out with girls, I feel this need to boast about being temple worthy and going to the temple.

Well, I’m not going to do it until I feel that I am ready, even if the bishop says I am.  It’s not his recommend.  This is between me and God. I will not offend my Father.

My reading this morning included:

Addicts, it seems, have two options:

1.       Indulge/act out on the impulse

2.       Resist/white knuckle and force ourselves to not indulge

Eventually, number 2 will fail. Sorry. We are too mortal on our own.

Here is the third option:

3.       Surrender it.  Let it go. Let it out of your hand. Admit defeat and resort to complete humility.

I like this. I can stay sober today. Not because I can do it but because God and others can help. I’m too weak.

#18 Tuesday's Journal Entry

Doing pretty good lately and I feel pretty good.  It certainly is worth it to stay sober and to live a recovery lifestyle. I’m grateful that God is keeping me sober today.

I wrote some thoughts during lunch.  I needed to remind myself of some realities that I have to acknowledge and deal with on a daily basis.

And I like doing bullet points:

·         I can’t take any lust hits – no second glances, not 1 second of fantasy or deviant thoughts, no mindless clicks on the internet

·         I have to connect with another addict every day whether I’m sober or not

·         I have to connect with God via meaningful prayer and religious/spiritual study daily

·         I have to have God on board and be completely grateful for every day I’m sober.

·         I need to read recovery literature daily.

·         I need to attend a recovery meeting on any night that I can.

·         I need to surrender and be aware of all negative emotions including: boredom, frustration, fear, stress, loneliness

·         I need to replace those with positive emotions: optimism, positivity, humility

Anyway, that’s where I’m at today.

Meeting with the Bishop tonight. I’m excited. I have no fears to tell the Bishop anything. No one ever need to feel so.

#17 Today IS monday!!

Great weekend for me. I'm living life as best as I can one day at a time.  I can't stress this concept enough. I feel like everyone should adopt this principle. If you do any sort of research on happy or successful people you'll see that many live in the moment. Sure, we have plans. We have goals. But even the most grandiose ambitions and schemes have to be realized one day at a time.

So....my dilemma right now is the dating/girl one. As always.  I always seem to think that I can handle it. Sometimes I wonder what I CAN handle in life. haha. (I did summit 4 mountain peaks in one day last Wednesday...I can accomplish some feats!).

So...I went out with a really nice and sweet girl on Friday. And also on Saturday. (We scheduled for Saturday but when my plans Friday night fell through she invited me over to make pizza). And then we went for a long walk Sunday. It was kinda nice. We got rained on a bit. We went across all of downtown and even up City Creek park in Salt Lake. Real nice. I miss that.

But I have the knot in my stomach. I had it this morning too.  The fact of the matter is that I haven't felt the 'green light' from God to pursue dating. I really haven't.  I have a lot of work to do as an addict. Alot. I'm still very much struggling with unmanageability and also establishing consistent sobriety.

And there are so many fears involved. Dating/relationships cause me anxiety to say the least.  I had to call a friend before Friday and all he could say was, "Dude, its just one date....Just have fun. Forget the rest."

Excellent advice.

Well, I am very involved in everything else I do in life.  I did alot of service and connecting with others on Sunday. I conducted elders quorum, chatted with new people in the ward, greeted the one investigator, home taught 2 separate households (one lesson turned out to be real good), had dinner with 2 girls that are new to the ward, and even blessed some girl's apartment with the elder's quorum president.

I'm not trying to brag but sometimes us addicts need to give ourselves some credit. We're just a little lacking emotionally and spiritually. We're not scum. I don't think anyone else thinks so. We're certainly harder on ourselves than others.

Another set of good news....since i lost my wallet including my temple recommend during memorial day weekend....my bishop is going to let me have mine back. He said that yesterday at church. I am excited about that.  I'm going to make for sure that I go every single week.  Also, I wholeheartedly commit to doing recovery daily.  I can't promise i'll stop being an addict. My lust allergy is still in full force. I'm still 5 minutes to relapsing at any given moment in time.  But I can commit to doing my part. And with some faith....God will allow me to stay sober.  I don't know of any other way because frankly....I can't do it.

#16 It feels like a Monday...

So i don't know if i am going to be able to post every single day. I don't think I really want to. It feels like a weekend because I had a day off yesterday (which was a solid day....)

I have had a solid week. And it's been solid because I am living a life of recovery which includes doing certain things; letting go of fears, being real about myself, knowing my limits with what i view and what i think about, reading scriptures and recovery literature daily, connecting with others, praying my brains out that God will keep me sober for the next 24 hours.

I'm still full of fears and worries. I'm still triggered by just about anything and everything. I still know that I am completely powerless over lust. Not over sexual behaviors but my reaction and powerlessness over the lust is inevitable. I know that my mind and body still really enjoy the pleasure derived from viewing sexually stimulating material and masturbating. Ok, but life is more than mere pleasure. It is SO much more.

Here is my latest.  And I'm trying to be honest with myself on this and with others.  I got some input from a few people:  Pursuing dating opportunities while being an addict.

 I know there are a million variables. Ideally, I would like to have solid recovery and have 1 year of sobriety. I would like that. And maybe that still needs to be the benchmard.  But I also believe strongly that with God miracles can occur.  I know I have been holding off on this for the past several months. I'm still praying about this whether it is a good time for me or not. There are certainly external factors involved. I'm 28 and tired of playing the singles-ward games. Tired of dealing with annoying ward girls.  I like the idea of having one girl to focus on. I also really like having someone that I can care about, cheer up, support, and love. It is a huge part of my nature to be a defender and to be a 'man of the house.'

Last spring, I started dating a girl when I only had 1 week of sobriety. But I was commited to a program and I felt inpressed to pursue the relationship. That was single handedly the best decision that i made in 2012 and one of the best learning experience i ever had.

I have a date with a really awesome girl this Saturday.  I don't know everything about her but we chatted at great length Monday and Tuesday night. I would like to see where this goes.

I trying to not let the addiction rule my decision or cause me fear. I am still a very solid person. It is not my intention to deceive or hurt anyone.  I have a long way to go with recovery. That part is for certain.

We'll see what happens this weekend.

#15 Monday

So it's official that my house no longer has internet.  Thank goodness. But my roommates are looking to get a new plan.  I had to do some emailing at my sister's this past weekend.

I had some special moments this weekend. God is mindful of me. And very merciful. (sometimes I feel too merciful).

On Friday I was having a semi good day. Took it easy. Did a bike workout. I went to the pools on campus and did a good swim workout (I have 2 triathlons coming up.) After, I had a strong desire/craving to go on campus and get on the computers.  I wanted to 'check email' but really I think I just wanted to find something to look at.  Well, I did.  I was trying to be all sneaky. And I was watching Tour de France highlight videos in between. Everything was all perfect for an addict.

 But then I just kinda stopped. I looked at what i was doing and realized how shallow and lame it was.  I didn't HAVE to look at what I was watching.  (images on facebook and pinterest).  It wasn't doing anything for me.  I felt unclean and rather ridiculous.  Yay, I was so sneaky. Yay, I found some 'great' things to look at. Super lame. Complete waste of time.

I closed it all down. I completely lost my desire for it.  It isn't what I want. Like what I wrote Thursday. And I ended up not giving in or acting out Saturday or Sunday. I had a fun filled day Saturday. I went to church and connected with real people and chatted/flirted with real girls.  I don't want some hot, sexy bombshell. I really don't.  Even if i had the option, i would prefer someone on my level. I'm not a 10. I don't have a perfect body. Why do i need to sit and stare and 'worship' some other woman's body?? Yeah sure its appealing. But it's just a person. This has been helping me lately as I get hit with triggers....I say to myself "It's just a woman. Just an attractive woman. I don't need to lose my mind over it."  And say a little prayer to God and also for her.

We beat this addiction one tough moment at a time.  I don't see any other way about it. We need to look at what it is that we are searching for. What need are we trying to 'feed??'

And a side note, I chatted with a really nice girl Sunday and even got her number.  I'd like to just take her out once. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should put myself in a box. But doing that hasn't been helping me.  Connecting with other people and having positive healthy relationships with girls is good for me. It seems everyone thinks otherwise. We'll see. I'm trying to be honest with myself on this.

#14 Thoughts

I am still typing thoughts on this blog.  I committed to doing 30 posts in 30 days. I'm beginning to resent the "30 days of something".  I only want to worry about now. I've missed days but today I need to get some thoughts out.

I want to write some thoughts on the 'pleasure of sinning.'  I'm feeling kinda sick that I wrote about this yesterday.  Pleasure.  People in this world (including me) go through such ridiculous lengths to get it.  Trying to be fit. Trying to make more money. Wearing fancy clothes. Manipulation. Dishonesty. etc.etc.
What is the big deal?? Pleasure cannot be the sole objective of our lives. It just can't be.

What about joy? And peace?  And being filled with the spirit and having the companionship of the Holy Ghost?? 

This is what I truly desire. Why do I not do the things that lead to that type of happiness>??

Sure, we get pleasure from sinning.  But it leaves you alone and distant from God. I don't want that.  I want to just type it out and let it sink into my soul.   I want want to feel love and excitement.  I want to feel comforted. And to relax. And to have some sort of connection. 


All this porn and lust.....it is so fake and hollow.  It doesn't lead to any sort of lasting happiness.  It just doesn't.  All the addicts know the feeling.

My prayer today is to find in God and find within myself all the things that lack in me. The frustrated moments. The hopelessness. The false 'intimacy/pleasure.'  I can do so much more than all this. Dang, I have been so corrupted for so long. It is very difficult not to dwell in self-loathing.

I am going to continue to have a solid day today. I'm going to go home and read some scriptures and connect with God. I don't need all this lust and fake pleasure.  It is stealing. It is robbing. From each and every woman that I lust after.  It is taking.

I want better things than that. 
I feel a sense of loss. I feel deep remorse. Mourning. For so much that this addiction robs from me. The disconnect.  The disattachment.

I feel God's love right now. He is so merciful with me.  So patient. I don't know how or even why he does it.

#13 Plugging away at recovery....

Ok so i haven't posted in awhile. I don't know what my excuse is...let me come up with some. So my laptop at home has major issues.  i think my pirated anti-virus software expired.  I don't download questionable things. I really don't. Not porn. Not music. In fact, I really don't like computers. Or technology. I have a friend who is constantly bugging me about upgrading to a smart phone.  I wont because A) calling/texting is just fine for me B) why have a device in my pocket where I can tap into the internet and commit in virtual form any sin i desire.

So no blogging.  I'm getting a bit frustrated. I feel like this is a bit of a cat and mouse game.  I am the mouse and lust (Satan) is the cat.  I'm just trying to survive and hide and avoid the cat and pray so the cat will go away and feed cheese and avoid 100 different mouse traps at the same time. 

I'm convinced that I can't do it.

I've been reading the AA Big Book and it drives this idea home....without POWER we are just going to keep losing. All the little tactics; no porn on phone, no phone, don't go out at night, leave bathroom door unlocked, don't drive down this street, don't be home alone, etc, etc, etc;  they all seem to evenutally fail.  I can maintain sobriety ON MY OWN for about a week. Maybe even 20 days.  But all it takes is one 5 minute moment where I just want to indulge....and its all over.  All it takes is one good trigger to get my addict brain going.

I'm telling you this is bloody hard.  I'm slacking on meetings too.  I did manage to do 3 phone meetings in the past week. I like that I now have that option. Saturday even, I went home early from hanging out with friends so i could make my 10 pm phone meeting.

But i need to be honest that right now I'm still full of doubt and skepticism. I'm not sure if I can truly truly do all it takes. Yes, its lame to say. But after you've been trying, fighting, and mostly failing at something for as many years as I have....You begin to wonder.

• Is it worth??  Yes, it appears to be. Everyone seems to love being happily married and full of joy.  I wouldn't know but I have observed this.
• Is is possible??  Yes, in theory, a human being can overcome addiction. I have seen it. I wouldn't know but I have observed this.  (And I have had bouts of sobriety/recovery)
• Is it possible for me??  Not 100% sure but I suppose i am no different than the guys out there who have done the worst, been to jail, and recovered. 

I think I still am not convinced that A) I am completely hopeless unless I 'go to any lengths'  B) if I 'go to any lengths' that I will some how find lasting sobriety C) I totally want to give it up....this is the most disturbing part. I gain alot of pleasure from sinning. There, i said it.  I can't think of any activity that is so easy, so quick, and produces so much amounts of 'pleasure' than masturbation. God does not want me to give into an addiction nor masturbate nor look at porn nor fantasize but he DOES want me to get married and enjoy full marital intimacy. It is a part of the gospel.  But lust is NOT. It is the antithesis of love. On every level. However, as an addict, I sometimes can't tell the difference. My judgment is so off.  I have days where I wish so badly I could not be an addict so I could date a girl and just cuddle. NOT PETTING or SEX. Just sit next to her...maybe even touch her arm. Can I do this while being an addict??  ah, probably not...

But I'm excited for my last work day for the week. I'll be at a friends house tonight watching stage 18 of the Tour de France....double climb on Alpe d'Huez! I'll take joy in all the other things in my life. My life is really good about 90% of the time. Seriously. I do enjoy life.

NEVER GIVE UP. ONE DAY AT A TIME!!!

#12 Thursday Thoughts

So I had a decent finish to yesterday. My frustration was not from getting tempted or lusting. It was a combo of a lot of other things. I felt this surge of ‘warrior chemistry.’  My old therapist, Maurice, would talk about this.  It is the same chemistry that flows through a man when his family is under attack.  It was very important for our survival.  I ended up reading some blogs and writing the one that I did.  I wanted to make stronger resolves. I want to be consistent with this addiction. I don’t want anymore stupid first drinks. I want to be spiritually close to God.

Sadly, I missed the phone meeting at 815.  I probably should have still called in.  Well, I wanted to visit someone and connect.  I tried visiting a guy in my ward…not home. Then i felt impressed to visit a girl who has been debating whether to stay in the church or not.  We had a good talk.

I realize that I have an ability to chat and connect with people. And that I need to do so.  I was sad that I missed a meeting but was glad that I was able to tell her something.

So I texted the sponsor this morning and all I get is:

“Thanks for sharing. Conversations do not count as meetings. Please start your 30 days over.”

Dang!!

Can you imagine if this guy was a girl I was trying to date?? Talk about hard to get… But I’ll get him to be my sponsor! I’ll jump through these hoops.

Meeting tonight which I am relieved about.  My friends were putting together a dinner and fire/smores night tonight at 8 which would have collided. Just got a text that we are switching to 9 pm. Hitting meetings daily makes me really think about my schedule.

#11 Shame and Remorse

I am feeling the weight of my addiction today. Stephanie’s post really impacted me strongly.  It is good for us addict to review in broad daylight the truth of our behavior.

This is sort of a first step inventory moment for me. I don’t know if I will be explicit because I don’t know what that does for anyone else.  I also read a post by a woman who has been through hell with a very wicked husband and also her son. Sorry to put it like that but I was angered by it. A lot. 

I have acted out more times than I want to count. I have viewed all sorts of terrible things. Only ever online.  I guess one only ‘redeeming’ quality is that I have never once violated a girl in person. I have never once touched a girl inappropriately.  But on the fantasy side….i’ve done it all.  I’m absolutely sickened by it all. What a horrible addiction. It brings such horrible behaviors out of us.  We are completely drugged. How is this ever rational, good behavior??

I’m sorry, but I am just filled with remorse and anger right now. I’m angry at myself for how much absolute pain and filth I’ve invoked.  I can justify all day that I ‘never hurt anyone’ but I have wasted hundreds of opportunities where I could have been a blessing, a strength, an answer to a prayer to someone else.

I have an immense potential. I am a very passionate person. I’m not afraid to confront people or to address issues.  I want to be brutally honest with myself right now about certain things.

I desperately want to be a good husband some day. I would rather die single than to cause even a small amount of pain to a daughter of God. I can’t stand the thought. I want so badly to be worthy of their solid choices.  I am humbled to the ground to read some of the dear wives’ stories. They have suffered so much. So much.  And some of their husbands lie, and lie, and betray, so blatantly. It saddens me a lot.

And the worst part of it all is that I very well could become that man. I desperately don’t want to. I feel I have years and years before I will be worthy to even ask a girl for her hand.  I fear it immensely.  Is there any way I could get married but just be her servant??  I want to be nothing be a kind and respectful man who will make her feel special every single day.  Oh How I wish I wasn’t addicted and so consumed and susceptible and allergic to anything lustful or sexual.  My brain is so completely messed up.

A lady at my work today mentioned today how she wanted to set me up with a nice girl in her area that serves as the Relief Society president in the local singles ward. My first thought is that I have no business going out with her.  I feel anxious. I agree to going out once but now I feel completely deceitful about it.  I feel guilty though if I try and get out of it, because she told me to look her up on facebook which I did. She certainly was a beautiful and happy girl. It only makes me feel more vile.

I just needed to get this all out. I feel so repulsed by the idea of some poor girl putting her life into my hands and having me as the ‘only one she will love.’  I can’t willfully and knowingly allow someone to make such a bad investment. I can’t think of anything more deceitful.  

#10 First Phone Meeting

So I did my first phone meeting last night. Wasn’t too bad. It was a step 10 check in.  We discuss what our worst lust temptation that day was and what we did about it.  We also discussed our resentments and fears.  Not too bad. I was a bit nervous but it was easy enough.  Not quite as powerful as a face to face meeting.  I’m trying to decide if I want to do another one or go to a regular meeting tonight. I usually attend SA but there is only ARP meetings on Wednesday night. It goes from 730 to 9.  I’m debating.  I don’t like being up too late. I seriously am asleep by 10 pm most nights.

I read some good things in the AA Big Book this morning.  The idea that an alcoholic is always an alcholohic and that they may never be able to drink ‘normal’ again.  I think its safe to say I may be in that category.  We balk at it. We resent it.  Our loved ones hate it too. No one wants to think they are doomed to a certain condition. People overcome cancer. People get out of debt. 

But can you STOP being an addict??

This is a question we all ask, addict or stuck with one.

·         Is it so wrong to say that we will be mortals for all of mortality???

·         Is it speaking ill against the Atonement and God’s infinite powers to say that I will have to live a life of recovery the rest of my life because I am powerless and incapable of beating this addiction??

Now, I don’t see why we have to continual lose to our addictions and act out every 2 weeks. But as far as not being able to commit the first lust….I am in that category.

I absolutely can’t survive the first lust.  And lust takes on so many forms for me. It can be loneliness. It can be elation.  It can be the back of a girls head who has nice long brown hair that passes me on the freeway.  It can be the scent of a girl as she walks by me at church.

It’s not the attraction. It’s not the fact that I am biologically wired to like girls.  It’s the craving. It’s the mental obsession. It’s the fantasy that goes along with it.  That is what I have no power over once it gets rolling in my head.  I can only pray it out, talk it out, surrender it out.  It is easily the most challenging part of the whole program of recovery. But it IS the program of recovery.

#9 New Challenge from Sponsor

Good grief my blog posting is having troubles.  I can’t highlight the text.  I have to type in a word document and since I can’t cut and paste the text into the posting area, I had to get creative.  I would select create a ‘link’ and that would get me in. Then I would paste what I typed in the document.  Addicts can be so clever!!

So yesterday proved to be a good day. I turned it over to God because I am incapable of staying sober. I managed to make it to a meeting. It had been a long while. (3 weeks….which is a VERY long time for an addict to be going through the world unaccounted for).  Even as I was preparing to leave work and make the drive over, I felt an incredible amount of resistance.  My mind was filled with other things I could be doing.  I could be checking Tour de France news (Monday was a rest day luckily), I could have gone to the fun FHE that night…..but the Spirit knew I needed to be at a meeting. I showed up super late but could physically feel the strength of it.  I was like sewerage was getting pumped out of my system. 

I was so so grateful to God last night. He pretty much gave me a freebie.  I needed one.  I wanted a day without so much battles. I just wanted HIM to fight.  Today might not be so lucky…

Anyway, I texted my sponsor last night.  Here is his response:

“I’m glad to hear from you again! If you would like me to sponsor you, please do the following: Go to a meeting a day for 30 days (phone meetings count); read from the Big Book every day and report on it in your nightly email; read first 3 chapters of 12 Steps and 12 Traditions; go to the temple grounds once a week. Once you’ve done all these things for 30 days without missing a single day, call me and we’ll talk about working the Steps.”

Dang, this is going to be tough. I’ve never been able to do 30 meetings in 30 days. I can’t even seem to make 9 posts in 9 days.  I’m already strategizing how I’m going to hit that many meetings.  I am going to have to cut a lot of friends activities out. None of my close friends know I’m an addict.  Sometimes I have having to sneak around and make up reasons of why I am gone certain nights. Oh well.

I want to do this.  But I can only worry about today. Just Tuesday. Or I get overwhelmed. Which I do. Easily

#8 Monday reflections

Ok so I was having serious issues trying to get blogger to let me post text to my blog.  But hey I got #7 out of the way….even though it was blank. L

Since I’m an addict, I’ll start with my excuses of why I’m behind on posts.  I spent the week up at my parents.  We had a sort of family reunion.  I didn’t exactly have a computer to get on to write about my addiction.  My family has one computer and its strategically placed in the most public area of the house.  Yep, I have to be sneaking about recovery too.

My Wednesday post was when I ran into work for a bit to finish some things.

The week was not the best anyway.  I had to take a complete break from family and friends on Saturday and also after church yesterday.  In fact, I went on a massive hike Sunday. Anyone ever hiked Mt. Olympus in Salt Lake??  I also met with my bishop on Sunday.  I texted him earlier in the week that things are getting too hectic and I’m skipping meetings and recovery work.  I feel it.  I can sustain this lifestyle.

Also, while my brother was in town, he and his wife asked me all sorts of questions about marriage and why I’m not pursuing it.  Blast, no one seems to buy the statement “oh, I’m working on some things. I want to be completely ready.”   Their response is always, “What things?? What are you working on??”  They just see it as procrastinating.  If I were to say it didn’t stress me a bit, I’d be lying.

So today I read my scriptures and pleaded with God to help me stay sober today.  I can’t do it.  I’m so beat up from this addiction.

I know EXACTLY how Sidreis feels in her latest post…..

But still, we have to recommit every day. I want to commit today.  Last night I texted my sponsor for the first time in a few weeks.  He hasn’t responded.  Maybe he already dropped me. 

I can stay sober but only if I do everything that it requires. And yes, I have to cut things out, and go to meetings and make calls.  There is no other shortcut….trust me I’ve spent more time looking for a shortcut than actually working the program.

#7

#6

I couldn't think of a title.  Posting continues. I was with my family at the lake yesterday.  This blog is turning into a day to day journal.  Who wants to read about that??

Recovery:
I felt the spirit weigh heavily on me yesterday. Recovery may need to take over more of my summer.  I'm not wanting to do that. Anyone ever feel that recovery is so inconvient??  Which is rather silly bc recovery is not just something we do here and there....it should become a permanent lifestyle.

There is the reality that I may never get to live a 'normal' life again.  I may have to make choices that affect my lifestyle or make sacrifices. I may have to go to a recovery meeting weekly for the next 20 years.  Right now, I've missed too many.

I have the family reunion this week but I think July/August....I'm going to have to start cutting out my fun. :(

Right now...I'm struggling with my desire to do all that it takes.  I feel like I can always start serious recovery work tomorrow. I can always just keep procrastinating it.  I'm not married and no one directly depends on me.  Yes, I have alot to fight for but right now I'm still dragging my feet.

Yesterday, my sister in law cornered me and noticed how unhappy i seem.  She said something very interesting.  That my eyes look as if i am in mourning. As if I had lost something.  I didn't want to open up and share but I told her that I'm kinda getting stagnant in life.  Things are plateuing.

I want to be done with this addiction, but I don't want to do all the work. I just want to get off the roller coaster, but i'm strapped in. I can't get out. Sometimes I feel like the roller coaster goes up and down, spirals, barrel rolls whether i want it to or not.  I'm truly and thoroughly powerless.

I keep this hope at the back of my mind that things will get better. People tell me that.  I've been telling myself that for the past 4 years ever since I started going to recovery meetings and seeking out professional help.  I'm still not winning the war. I may win battles but I feel so hopeless and defeated sometimes.

#5 Two posts in one day!

Alright i'm burned out. Work is too busy. I was really trying to get everything done today. I'm supposedly getting work off the rest of the week. I think i'm going to come in early morning.  I'm supposed to be hanging out with my family too.  Tomorrow starts the family reunion. I got home late last night from camping. 4 more days of people and nonstop fun. (I'm kinda dragging my feet to leaving here on time...i'm enjoying a quiet office....)

I think i'm going to go on a solo backpacking trip this coming weekend.  Some days I want to pull a Jonah. I feel like porn addiction is Ninevah. No wonder he didn't want to go.  And on the boat, he just wanted someone to throw him in. Get it over with.  I get how he feels. I think getting swallowed by a whale would be an awesome adventure.

I hate this addiction. I hate it.  But I love it. Cheap, easy pleasure every time.  I'm beginning to realize more and more how much I really loath myself.  I'm very talented in many ways but with anything emotional....I hate how I handle it.  I'm a freakin basket case.  I can't stand people getting too close to me. I don't like any sort of attachments. I don't like compliments.  (which is interesting, becasue this girl i'm trying to avoid but not...is always complimenting me).  I feel that I am easily likeable but in the end....I can't stand the idea of someone loving me or investing their emotional energy into me.  I feel like a bad investment. I have

Well, i'm just having the Monday blues.  I am writing out these words to the blogger world.  So many these days.  And it's only a drop in the ocean. Right now....hundreds of marriages are suffering because of porn addiction. It just doesn't make much sense.  And the poor women can't compete. They simply cannot.

 I wonder...if I had the choice of simply having the sexual drive/impulse for anything removed...right now, i'd take up that chance. I'd pay big money for that. It'd be better than getting lasik. (which i would love as well..contacts are a pain! especially on camping trips....)

#4 weekend

Blast, so i missed Friday, Saturday, Sunday.  I went camping for the whole weekend and didn't have time. Plus my out of state brother and his family came in to town.  I spent some time with them. This week will be the family reunion.

Summer time is tough to do recovery work!!  Am i the only one who feels that way?? 

I did manage to go to church yesterday (even though I didn't bring church clothes...I looked like a homeless man)

I also had some spiritual experiences while being out there.  I always seem to connect well with God out in nature.  And I lost my car keys one night and prayed really hard to find them, which i did.

I am feeling a bit of stress about work and also how to handle this girl in my ward.  She is really wanting something more.  I've told her on 3 separate occassions that I'm not dating but it doesn't seem to matter.

She wants to either cuddle or be alone with me any chance she gets.  And I am super super non-confrontional if i don't have to be.  But when I get cornered, all the honesty spills out.  I can be really blunt with people but I HATE hurting people's feelings. Hate it. This has been a real struggle for me with the addiction and also life in general.

I have so much anxiety about people (girls) getting too close to me.  I am kinda resenting it actually. I wish they would leave me be. I guess I'm going to have to be more blunt. And if things are awkward later...so be it. 

Dang, I think relationships are probably the hardest thing in the world to manage. If it wasn't for the fact that I know marriage is required and ordained of God, I'd probably be a pansy and never get married.  I feel like I'll never have a stress-free life with being married.  Maybe with a miracle i can overcome my anxiety about it.  Maybe some recovery will make me feel more 'deserving/worthy' for all that.