#11 Shame and Remorse

I am feeling the weight of my addiction today. Stephanie’s post really impacted me strongly.  It is good for us addict to review in broad daylight the truth of our behavior.

This is sort of a first step inventory moment for me. I don’t know if I will be explicit because I don’t know what that does for anyone else.  I also read a post by a woman who has been through hell with a very wicked husband and also her son. Sorry to put it like that but I was angered by it. A lot. 

I have acted out more times than I want to count. I have viewed all sorts of terrible things. Only ever online.  I guess one only ‘redeeming’ quality is that I have never once violated a girl in person. I have never once touched a girl inappropriately.  But on the fantasy side….i’ve done it all.  I’m absolutely sickened by it all. What a horrible addiction. It brings such horrible behaviors out of us.  We are completely drugged. How is this ever rational, good behavior??

I’m sorry, but I am just filled with remorse and anger right now. I’m angry at myself for how much absolute pain and filth I’ve invoked.  I can justify all day that I ‘never hurt anyone’ but I have wasted hundreds of opportunities where I could have been a blessing, a strength, an answer to a prayer to someone else.

I have an immense potential. I am a very passionate person. I’m not afraid to confront people or to address issues.  I want to be brutally honest with myself right now about certain things.

I desperately want to be a good husband some day. I would rather die single than to cause even a small amount of pain to a daughter of God. I can’t stand the thought. I want so badly to be worthy of their solid choices.  I am humbled to the ground to read some of the dear wives’ stories. They have suffered so much. So much.  And some of their husbands lie, and lie, and betray, so blatantly. It saddens me a lot.

And the worst part of it all is that I very well could become that man. I desperately don’t want to. I feel I have years and years before I will be worthy to even ask a girl for her hand.  I fear it immensely.  Is there any way I could get married but just be her servant??  I want to be nothing be a kind and respectful man who will make her feel special every single day.  Oh How I wish I wasn’t addicted and so consumed and susceptible and allergic to anything lustful or sexual.  My brain is so completely messed up.

A lady at my work today mentioned today how she wanted to set me up with a nice girl in her area that serves as the Relief Society president in the local singles ward. My first thought is that I have no business going out with her.  I feel anxious. I agree to going out once but now I feel completely deceitful about it.  I feel guilty though if I try and get out of it, because she told me to look her up on facebook which I did. She certainly was a beautiful and happy girl. It only makes me feel more vile.

I just needed to get this all out. I feel so repulsed by the idea of some poor girl putting her life into my hands and having me as the ‘only one she will love.’  I can’t willfully and knowingly allow someone to make such a bad investment. I can’t think of anything more deceitful.