So it's official that my house no longer has internet. Thank goodness. But my roommates are looking to get a new plan. I had to do some emailing at my sister's this past weekend.
I had some special moments this weekend. God is mindful of me. And very merciful. (sometimes I feel too merciful).
On Friday I was having a semi good day. Took it easy. Did a bike workout. I went to the pools on campus and did a good swim workout (I have 2 triathlons coming up.) After, I had a strong desire/craving to go on campus and get on the computers. I wanted to 'check email' but really I think I just wanted to find something to look at. Well, I did. I was trying to be all sneaky. And I was watching Tour de France highlight videos in between. Everything was all perfect for an addict.
But then I just kinda stopped. I looked at what i was doing and realized how shallow and lame it was. I didn't HAVE to look at what I was watching. (images on facebook and pinterest). It wasn't doing anything for me. I felt unclean and rather ridiculous. Yay, I was so sneaky. Yay, I found some 'great' things to look at. Super lame. Complete waste of time.
I closed it all down. I completely lost my desire for it. It isn't what I want. Like what I wrote Thursday. And I ended up not giving in or acting out Saturday or Sunday. I had a fun filled day Saturday. I went to church and connected with real people and chatted/flirted with real girls. I don't want some hot, sexy bombshell. I really don't. Even if i had the option, i would prefer someone on my level. I'm not a 10. I don't have a perfect body. Why do i need to sit and stare and 'worship' some other woman's body?? Yeah sure its appealing. But it's just a person. This has been helping me lately as I get hit with triggers....I say to myself "It's just a woman. Just an attractive woman. I don't need to lose my mind over it." And say a little prayer to God and also for her.
We beat this addiction one tough moment at a time. I don't see any other way about it. We need to look at what it is that we are searching for. What need are we trying to 'feed??'
And a side note, I chatted with a really nice girl Sunday and even got her number. I'd like to just take her out once. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should put myself in a box. But doing that hasn't been helping me. Connecting with other people and having positive healthy relationships with girls is good for me. It seems everyone thinks otherwise. We'll see. I'm trying to be honest with myself on this.
lets goooo! ha good man putting yourself out there. i truly believe proactivity is the best way to overcome any struggle and making decisions out of fear is quite the opposite, its reactive, and puts our happiness on circumstances we can't control. act instead of being acted upon.
ReplyDeleteyou are not your addiction. youre so much more.
i know that fear usually leads me to focus only on my weaknesses and i react with self imposed isolation by justifying not seeking out healthy relationships/friendships with girls and that mentality is not of God.
thanks. I do have to deal with fear though. That I am just going to be wasting this girl's time because the relationship can only go so deep...bc once the addiction is brought up...that's where it ends. I want so badly to continue to tap into God's power. It seems to be the only way to stay sober.
DeleteWith God all things are possible! Good for you!
ReplyDeleteYou should definitely go out with the girl. I used to think the exact same thing as you: that the relationship would be over once the truth got out. I was wrong. I hadn't been taking the sacrament for quite some time and the girl asked me if I wanted to admit why. For some reason, I admitted to her exactly why and begged her to forgive me. Her response was "There's nothing to forgive. What I see is a Priesthood bearer with a problem he is trying to overcome and draw closer to Heavenly Father." She actually became my girlfriend that very night I confessed it.
ReplyDeleteNow instead of trying to hide the truth from her, the honesty has drawn us closer. She checks up on me and we give each other support!
You're a rockstar. :)
ReplyDeleteyes. I need to catch up here! ONE TOUGH MOMENT AT A TIME! YEEESS!!!! And... after time, the moments get less tough, for the most part. Keep truckin! God's got this!
ReplyDelete