I couldn't think of a title. Posting continues. I was with my family at the lake yesterday. This blog is turning into a day to day journal. Who wants to read about that??
Recovery:
I felt the spirit weigh heavily on me yesterday. Recovery may need to take over more of my summer. I'm not wanting to do that. Anyone ever feel that recovery is so inconvient?? Which is rather silly bc recovery is not just something we do here and there....it should become a permanent lifestyle.
There is the reality that I may never get to live a 'normal' life again. I may have to make choices that affect my lifestyle or make sacrifices. I may have to go to a recovery meeting weekly for the next 20 years. Right now, I've missed too many.
I have the family reunion this week but I think July/August....I'm going to have to start cutting out my fun. :(
Right now...I'm struggling with my desire to do all that it takes. I feel like I can always start serious recovery work tomorrow. I can always just keep procrastinating it. I'm not married and no one directly depends on me. Yes, I have alot to fight for but right now I'm still dragging my feet.
Yesterday, my sister in law cornered me and noticed how unhappy i seem. She said something very interesting. That my eyes look as if i am in mourning. As if I had lost something. I didn't want to open up and share but I told her that I'm kinda getting stagnant in life. Things are plateuing.
I want to be done with this addiction, but I don't want to do all the work. I just want to get off the roller coaster, but i'm strapped in. I can't get out. Sometimes I feel like the roller coaster goes up and down, spirals, barrel rolls whether i want it to or not. I'm truly and thoroughly powerless.
I keep this hope at the back of my mind that things will get better. People tell me that. I've been telling myself that for the past 4 years ever since I started going to recovery meetings and seeking out professional help. I'm still not winning the war. I may win battles but I feel so hopeless and defeated sometimes.
Wow, I liked this read a lot. You're so insightful and have truly been an example to me at paying attention to my emotions. *No joke, when I feel an intense desire to act out, I pay attention to what emotions carried me to that point-and I attribute that to you.
ReplyDeleteWhat an interesting comment from your sister-in-law. I'm curious more of the reasons why you didn't open up to her?
I hope you can find a way to have FUN and RECOVERY blended together--like a delicious smoothie. :) I sure hope it doesn't have to be just one or the other.
Wheres 7, 8, 9? You can do it my man! and when you feel like you can't remember to rely on God because he can more than we ever could!
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