The Lone Survivor

I had a good evening last night. A much needed one. I've been feeling very defeated and beaten lately. Losing my will to survive. It is easy to get into traps and hard to get out.

 I was going to isolate all evening but my roommate (and pretty much best friend) came home. We worked out together in the front room and watched a really good war movie.  It was about Navy Seals that got stranded on a mountain and took some very heavy attack from Taliban soldiers.

These guys got really beat up. There were 4 to start with but only one survived.  The amount of pain these guys were able to endure was incredible. They were all shot multiple times. Sustained broken bones from running down the mountain. They refused to give up. They fought and held off the enemy as long as they could.

The main character was able to get off the mountain and was rescued by the locals.  They protected him from the Taliban.

The movie really impacted me. It made me want to become as tough as them. yes, physically, but mostly mentally and emotionally.   These are my weaknesses. I'd like them to turn into strengths.

I don't define emotional strength as being 'too good for help or from anyone else.'  The soldiers were very committed to each other. They knew full well they could never leave a man behind. Even when one comrade was shot to pieces and dying they continued to drag him off the mountain.

I bought me a new journal since i filled up the last one a few days ago.  

I just slept great and woke up ready to go this morning. I like nights like that. Sometimes I wonder who in the universe is still praying for me. I think that strength trickles down from sky at times.

I had a good chat with my therapist yesterday. It was rough. We discussed hard issues. I left pretty frustrated and not willing to take her advice.  I've got some deep rooted negative thinking.  She is really wanting me to get back into dating and find a meaningful, emotion-rich relationship.

I've written about dating/relationships several times before. Perhaps she is right.  It doesn't help me at all to keep putting life off. I NEED connection. I NEED friends. I NEED to be able to pursue meaningful relationships.  I'm going to finish the rest of March strong and we'll see about what happens then.

The will to survive...

So yesterday's post was super negative.  I'm going to write another one now so that I can assess how i'm feeling afterwards.

I just have moments where I feel all those things.  My therapist wrote me back some solid stuff.  I am getting self-centered by only thinking about me all the time. ME MEMEMEME...

I'd like to get out of my pity part and contribute in more meaningful ways to the world. I feel like I'm in such a grandiose person that I'm entitled to just have all that I want.

Well, not sure what else to say. I'm still in a downer mood today a bit.  Sometimes I just seem to lose my will to keep plugging on and on.  In the races that I do I know how long the race is.  I know how long it will typically take. I know where the finish line is.  And towards the end when you are pushing hard...you can see the finish line.  You see it there.  You can say to yourself "i will push it to that point and then finish!!"

I had a race two summers ago where I pushed so hard that I pretty much collapsed at the end.  I had mild heat exhaustion. I had to lie down in the medical tent....I couldn't see or walk straight.  It was a great finish.

With recovery....sometimes I don't know what the end goal is...I just wake up, live life, try to stay sober, and go to bed. One day at a time. What else can I do??  My end goal is 'peace, joy, freedom'....???  Not quite sure how to measure that.

I want to feel like my life is of some sort of meaning or purpose.  I try to contribute but when I'm isolated so much it's pretty much me with me.  My relationships with others have been rather strangled.  I have too much fear to hang out too much with girls. I don't connect with too many guys my age.

I'm becoming a set-in-his-ways older bachelor.

I'm buying a house now and will be moving in April.  I'm really excited for a change of scenery.  And a new ward.  I feel like I'm just getting a bit anxious for some new flavor.

I want this weather to get better so I can start doing some outdoor adventures too.  Maybe I have the seasonal blues...

Thursday dumpings

So I haven't written in a while. I've had alot to do in life. I don't have time to write blogs at work and I don't have a computer at home anymore.

I am having a bit of a moment today.  I'm barely staying sober. My heart is getting harder and my willingness is less submissive to God. I desperately need to break out it.

Here is what I wrote my therapist this morning:

I am feeling really emotionally down right now. The past 2 weeks have been battles. Every day seems to be a battle. And not so much with lust right now.  I relapsed badly last Thursday and i have been sober since.

However, I feel like someone or something or maybe it's me...is whispering negativity into my head. I feel really depleted at times. And just downright frustrated.  I'm just so exhausted of my life being on hold.  I have not felt worthy of love or relationships in a very long time.  We're talking several years.  It's always 'when I get sober'  or 'when I get recovery'.  Those two things consistently elude me. I have to take a day at a time. I have to have victories where I can. I can't be overly focused on the future and what's going to happen next.  But i do think about it!  I'm always planning what I'm going to do next.

Everything else in my life seems to be progressing how I want except my emotional side.  I'm tired of the emotional side.  I wish so so badly there was some sort of surgery or pill that I could take where I could just remove it. I'm that serious.  

I have a great job. I'm doing well at it.  I have a bit of fears every now and then of not doing enough or getting behind on projects.  I had a very productive day yesterday. Because before I started the day I made a conscious decision to have a solid day. I didn't want to feel all moppy and sad and depressed.  I don't get as much done!! I don't enjoy life as much!!

I am very financially stable. I'm buying a house. A decent one. I buy my cars in cash. I have no debt. I have an 800 credit score. I am responsible. I set up appointments with an inspector. I'm speaking with mortgage lenders.  No one is teaching me how to do all this.  I study up and do it. I ask questions. I learn from others.  

I am faithful in my ward. I do visits to other elders in the ward weekly.  I pick one night a week.  I attend all hours of church. I'm involved in the classes. I help with the new member principles class. I taught elders quorum on Sunday and it went well. I stay after for meetings to talk about the home teaching in the ward.

I am in great physical shape.  I train for races. I ran 3 miles on Tuesday and it was a breeze. I eat well. I have no trouble sleeping at nights.

I write in my journal daily and never miss. I get up early 530/545 to read scriptures or recovery literature.

I volunteer at a school Wednesday evenings to teach latino adults English.  The principle and director of the program was there last night and I translated his entire presentation.  I am involved with my students and I care alot about them.  I sat down with our lead teacher and a student who has been having troubles at work. She wants us to help her not get verbally abused at work.  I cared. I had sympathy.

I taught a country swing dance class on Tuesday night as well.  We had about 5 couples show up.  Me and my friend Mary are putting it on.  I make friends with every person there.  I like people. I have no problems to talking to people. And asking them how they are.  I tell girls they look cute and that they are fantastic dancers.

I'm liked at my job. Most departments in the city hall know me.  I can chat and joke around with any of them.

But I still don't really love myself....

I still don't want these 'loving relationships' that you speak of.

I like to give and contribute but I don't feel like I deserve it in return.

Whenever people get intimately close to me....they get let down or hurt.

Because underneath all that I do on the outside, is a sexual addict who loves to stay late at work, watch youtube videos of girls striping or sex scenes and masturbate to it.

This is sickening to write but it is rather true. I can't deny the fact that I've looked at porn/MBed somewhere in the 1000 times. Literally.

And that is what the devil feasts on.  So what do i do??? I work harder and get more involved.   Yes, I am supposed to face the issues head on.  I don't know how to do that.  I don't like doing things I don't know how to do.  I like doing the many things that I am good at.  I don't like 'wasting time' on things i suck at.

Loving relationships???  With guys??  I can have deep friendships. I believe that.  But is that enough??  And honestly, I don't know what some relationship with a girl is going to do anyway.  It seems all overrated. over sung. over poem-written-about. over talked about.  Love seems to be all that everyone cares about.  It seems to be what I'm grasping for.  I loathe it.  I crave it.  Can you see the internal conflict??

Then the whole marriage then....I don't think I understand it.  I know it is a commandment.  I know I can't receive exaltation without it. I know it is the purpose of life. I know it is one of the main reasons i'm on this earth.

But I'm not super excited about it. It seems so complicated.  And difficult. And the reward? Sex??  Good grief, sex has to be the plague of the earth.  We don't get enough. We get too much. We get hooked on it.  It needs more love. Less lust.  It's sex!!  It involves passion and sexual drive and losing our minds.  I don't think I understand it at all.  I'm still perplexed on how its a joy and its beautiful and wonderful.  Sex and anything related to stimulation and craving and sexual drives has been nothing but a FREAKIN headache, pain, misery, frustration for me.  Not sure I'm that interested.  (even though I crave it every day of my life)

Well, I needed to dump.  Mostly it is just fueling my negativity.  Now I need to write another long email about how what I'm feeling is not positive and why i need to change it or I'm going to relapse and thus the downward spiral.

w I don't want to live like this forever. It just isn't sustainable. It isn't enjoyable.  Recovery is supposed to bring some sort of peace and joy. And I'm not quite getting to that point.  Is it a choice?? Do I simply choose it??  Sometimes I feel like I don't get much choice in life. And I suppose that is what bothers me most.

I want my life to be a certain way....and I'm not getting that.

Maybe that's the conflict here.

In the words of Smashing Pumpkins.in Mayonaise

No more promise, no more sorrow

No longer will I follow

Can anybody hear me

I just want to be me

When I can, I will

Try to understand

That when I can, I will

Sober but restless

I had another great insight today that was spot on for me. I am listening to the talks of Joe and Charlie, a couple of sober AA guys.  They do a live recording of discussing alcoholism and the 12-steps.  It is all stuff that I need to hear and learn (and they’re way funny!)

Charlie was discussing what our illness is….what are obsession is.

It is physical AND emotional/mental

Physical

They first make it clear that alcoholics have a distinct allergic or negative reaction to when alcohol enters there system. It triggers a craving. This is scientifically based. There is something in their physical bodies that produces a craving that is powerful and not able to subside.

In the same way, I have an altered brain from my years of viewing sexually stimulating material coupling that with masturbation/orgasm.  I have a very distinct physical reaction when something triggering enters my system. For the average person, when a 0.2 second scene of a woman in a tight dress flashes across their screen, they may see it….and then think nothing of it.  However, it goes into my head, and I will think about it later, I will want to fantasize about the woman, or think about other women in the same way. It triggers a craving.  My brain is programmed to do it.

Now that I have been continuously sober from viewing porn or masturbating for 31 days now, the physical craving is not what I am dealing with on a moment to moment basis. The brain still needs several more months to heal and rewire but I am at least not putting ‘alcohol’ into my system.

Emotional

What I am dealing with now is the emotional/mental obsession.  This is the more deep rooted part. I have plenty of emotional defects and holes in my character. It comes from a variety of reasons.  I was wronged as a kid. Or I have held on to resentments or buried pain. Or I don’t really like myself or possess any self-love. Or maybe I am bitter towards someone or something or some sort of institution, ad infinitum.

Lately, I feel sober but I feel restless, irritable, and discontent. I’m having to deal with shame, guilt, and remorse.  (as Charlie explains).  Lust and porn and being sexually stimulating was a ‘drug’ or ‘alcohol’ that I turned to in order to find some stability and pleasure and contentment. However, the drug, my wonderful savior, became my enslaver and master.  I can’t control my lusting.  SOME DAYS I WISH I COULD! Sick as it is…I wish I could have sexual and stimulating experiences and then be done and okay!! But the moment I get lust into my system or act out with porn....all i want to do is disengage from the world and get more and more. My system can never get enough!!!  (golly, I wonder if love-filled sexual intimacy in marriage is better, otherwise I’m going to have to be a sober, virgin the rest of my life)

This is the role of recovery and the 12 steps.  To flush out all the negative. This is the part that TAKES TIME.  It is uncomfortable. It is something I just don’t know how to do well.  I have started working on these things a while ago. I’m getting better but I have much work to do. I'm following what my sponsor and my therapist say.

The end goal is:  A SPIRITUAL AWAKENING, A VITAL SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE, A PROFOUND CHARACTER CHANGE.

And only God, and him alone, can produce such a change.

I can seek out alternatives to feel better….I can work out for 2 hours.  I can seek the attention from girls. (it always makes me feel good, really).  I can get into dependent relationships. I can get all busy with work or church callings or service. These things are all good things.

But ultimately…..I have to make the REAL connection. And that is with a higher power who truly, infinitely loves and cares about me.  It is a higher power that possesses POWER!

This is my quest.

One. Day. At. A. Time.

People of King Benjamin take Steps 1,2,3

So after spending so much time reading the 12 steps and going to meetings, I can’t help but see the parallels in the Book of Mormon or other scriptures.

I was reading Mosiah 4 today.  I’m a slow reader and I’m trying to get depth. So my whole study today was the first 3 verses.

I think the principles within the first 3 steps are doctrinal and true.

# 1 – coming to know we are powerless and our lives are unmanageable on our own

#2 – coming to believe that we need some sort of higher power to restore us to sanity and spiritual health

#3 – we then turn our lives and wills over to the care of this higher power.

Ok, so verse 2:

The people come to a realization of their ‘nothingness.’  They see their fallen and hopeless state. They see that they are carnal and that they have committed sin.  In a sense, they have come to see their ‘powerlessness.’        STEP 1

More verse 2

“…and they all cried with one voice, saying: O have mercy, and apply the atoning blood of Christ that we may receive forgiveness of our sins, and our hearts may be purified…”

They petition the help of a higher power.  Based on what Benjamin taught them (chapter 3), they see that they need additional help and that God can and would if he were sought.  STEP 2

They didn't just pray for forgiveness but also that their hearts will be purified/changed. That is the eventual goal of recovery. Not so much to remove the addiction but to remove the obsession.

And be uttering this prayer, they are turning their lives over to God.       STEP 3

The results???

Verse 3:  The spirit of the lord comes upon them, and they are filled with joy, having received a remission of their sins, and having peace of conscience, because of the exceeding faith which they had in Jesus Christ…

Wow, what an excellent outcome!  I want this to happen!!  This is the desired result of a proper surrender.  In my post about a small(BIG) victory I gained a testimony of this….that without the reception of peace of conscience and joy….you probably haven’t truly surrendered it to God.

Day at a time!

Side note: I’m wanting to get rid of facebook.  It’s like one of my ‘bottles of alcohol’ that I keep stored in the house.  I deactivated it today….but not deleted it.  I’m torn on this. I wish there was some way to have it out of my life for the next few months but then revive it later when I have more sobriety/recovery.

And today is my 30 day mark of continuous sobriety.  Not perfect. Not 100% free of lust.  But I’m happy to have not acted out fully on lust during the past 30 days.

Weekend Battles (and victories)

I need to get some negative stuff out.  I feel like I’m barely hanging on sometimes. I’d like to think I’d be some sort of expert on this lust addiction stuff but I am not.

I’m super weak emotionally. I realize it more and more as I stay sober. The White Book talks about this and I am seeing it lately.

When we remove the lust/porn/MB/fantasy, we think we will just have it so much easier. But the reality is that I have years of frustration and emotional damage that I just don’t know what to do with.  Some moments I am so angry and violent and I don’t even know why.

Here is an example:

I went to the temple Saturday night. It was a pretty packed session.  I was having a good day. Went to a meeting in the morning. Did service in the afternoon that involved making art crafts with kids. (I absolutely love little kids…). Did a hard 2 hour work out.

Well, the session was full of so many very attractive girls. Good grief, so many good looking LDS girls in this world.  I had to keep my focus.  I started to resent them.  I was sitting in the chapel. Alone. And watching these guys get to sit next to their beautiful wives. I resented the guys too.  Bc somehow they got to win the heart of these beauties.  They are OBVIOUSLY worthy so maybe they don’t have to deal with a sex/porn/lust addiction every day of their lives. Maybe they are lying. Who knows?

Then the new video. I will spare details for reasons that what occurs in the temple is very sacred.  But I was resenting the video too and the young couple in it. So darn happy! They got ‘punished’ and they are all emotional yet happy about it.

I was cringing the whole time.

I get to the final room of the ceremony and everyone is in groups. All the handsome guys with their very attractive wives.  I sit alone.

I try to be strong but honestly, I hate it.  Sometimes I just hate the fact that I am a freaking addict. I hate being alone now.  I like to choose to be alone every once in a while, but golly it’s tough when it’s how I have to be all the time now.  But this is what I must endure. This is part of my recovery and making my amends to the world.

Well, I had a little chat with God while in there.  Because not a single thing any other person in that room was doing….was a bad thing. No one was trying to hurt me.   The hurt and resentment was all me. It was in my head.

I had to have God remove it.

I call someone, we chat. I call my mom even and that semi helped.

I get home and I’m still just off.  OFF. And I get out my journal and write it out, but I wanted to be mindless. I wanted to stop thinking and feeling.  The temptation to go upstairs goes through my head. I know that I can’t.  It is my boundary.  I go upstairs anyway. I turn it on.  I start watching Rocky IV. Right during the final stretch when Rocky is training to fight the Russian.

Then it goes to commercial. And I change channels. And there is a workout informercial on and some show with immodest girls on the Spanish channel.

I’m done. I’m out. I can’t handle this stuff.  I turn it off. Now I’m pissed at myself for being so foolish and careless.

More surrender. More journal writing. I text some people telling them what I just did.  More prayer and then I just fall asleep.

Sunday was a great day. So glad I stayed sober, because church was just really nice. Recovery has gotta be the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

Last night I have disturbing, anxious, violent, and frustrating dreams.  No reprieve sometimes. Am I getting stronger from all this?? 

Battle log of a small (BIG) victory

Need to recount an experience yesterday.  This battle rages on.  If this truly is my battle log than I want to tell of a vital victory I had.

I like to do volunteer work. For one it keeps me occupied but I like to do things were I don’t have to serve myself or seek some sort of gain.  I tutor an English class every Wednesday to a few Latinos.  (4 total but sometimes they don’t all come). I really enjoy it.  I speak Spanish so the program directors give me the ones that basically don’t know any English.

Well, there is a program aide that comes around to check on the groups and help out when needed. And yes, she is a very attractive girl. And yes, I like to flirt with her any time she comes by. I’m not trying to cause any trouble (maybe that’s all in my head) but I am a very conversational and friendly kind of guy.

 She knows quite a bit of Spanish so I will ask her tough translation questions or ‘how would you best explain this??’  So as she came by, she went to grab my dictionary that was on the table where all my students and I were sitting. And she bends over right in front in me.  I don’t need to say more....

Well, I did my best to surrender but I’m in the middle of class. But yes, the image was printed in my head. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t want to see what I saw. It happened.  I don’t want to blame myself for any of it.  But the fact remained, something triggering for me had entered my system.

When class was over, I immediately made some calls. I called two people but only left messages. Then I got home and made some dinner. I texted two different guys and they gave me some good input.  I was doing my ‘surrender.’  I wrote in my journal about what happened and wrote truth statements and positive things.  I prayed for the girl.  I asked to let it go. She is not mine. She is not mine to take from. I don’t need to fantasize about her. I’m committed to do my recovery work for now. I don’t need to daydream about asking her out or trying to do more with her. I don’t need that.

Well, I don’t think my heart was convinced, because when I knelt down for my nightly prayers, I got bombarded with more thoughts.  Somehow my addict self thinks I can lust a little and get away with it. This is my insanity!!!  I HAD A MINI PANIC ATTACK! Seriously, thoughts of ‘I really liked the shirt she was wearing….I wonder what she looks like without the shirt….I wonder what her figure looks like, she’s really trim….blah blah blah…”  

I had to get up and get out of the room!!  I put on shoes and a coat and went outside and immediately called someone.  He didn’t pick up. It was 11 pm by now.  I thought of going back inside and just praying more.  But I needed to talk this out.  I finally got a hold of Pete. And laid it out.  He totally called me out on everything.  He is the one that pointed out that I had not surrendered fully.

BUT I HAD PRAYED AND TEXTED!!  I DID ALL THAT SURRENDER REQUIRES!!

You know when your surrender is sufficient???  When you have received peace and calm.  Irritability. Uneasiness. Restlessness. These are not the fruits of true surrender to God.

Light bulb.

My surrender isn’t done until I experience those feelings.

Well, I got back to my room, get into bed, and just pour out my heart. ‘God, I’m spent. Take this one for me. I have done what I can. Please just take this. Please do the rest where I am powerless.’

And it worked….it a very quiet and humbling way. It brought tears to my eyes.

That is how I stayed sober.  One little event….required a huge learning experience.  These are the true battles for me.  No blood. No swords. No grand victory ceremony. Nothing.  Just me. And a few guys I texted. And God.  (and now anyone who cares to read this post!!....)

One day at a time.

One moment at a time.