Spiritual Millenium

So i usually don't post back to back days. That's waaayy too much, right? But i received some killer revelation (along with my killer quote yesterday) this morning during my study.

I was reading D&C 43. An ordinary section. One that no one probably knows what is about. I feel like most D&C sections are like that, which is too bad. This book is loaded with great verses/teachings.

D&C 43:30-31 

30 For the great ^aMillennium, of which I have spoken by the mouth of my servants, shall come.

 31 For ^aSatan shall be ^bbound, and when he is loosed again he shall only reign for a ^clittle season, and then cometh the ^dend of the earth.

I am also studying with the student manual. I love student manuals.  In this I read about what that really means.  Will Satan literally be bound?? Or will it be because we are so righteous that it will be as if he is bound??

The manual quotes Joseph Fielding Smith and George Q Cannon.  Both are a yes.  Satan will be bound BY GOD'S POWER but only because of the exceeding righteousness that will prevail on the earth.  Both elements are necessary.

When the resurrected Christ returns to the earth for his Second Coming the world will be purged of all telestial wickedness.  The entire earth will enter a terrestial state.

However, God will not act contrary to our agency. He cannot. It is against eternal law. Our agency is instrinsic to our very existence as intelligent beings. God didn't even necessarily give it to us. We, in some form or another, have always existed and have always retained our agency whether as an intelligence, a spirit, or as a mortal.
The reason that Satan will be bound is as a result of the earth's righteousness and choosing righteous, it will be sufficient to allow God to bind Satan.  Contrarily, if there remained people on the earth who choose Satan, GOD WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO BIND SATAN.


So why do i write all this doctrine on the blog of a sexual addict????

Is it not possible for a mortal today in 2013, to live a life of such choosing righteousness and choosing God and "having no idols or Gods before him" that Satan is in effect bound??
Look at our dear prophet and the apostles, they live a life so as to pretty much bind Satan.  It can be done!

Well, maybe not entirely...I'm quite certain, in fact, I plan on the fact, that Satan and his unseen forces will continue to harangue me any chance they get.  But the hope and joy is that I don't have to give in. I don't have to lose. I don't have to choose to act out anymore.

But the most vital part of the equation is that GOD is doing the binding.  GOD is doing the delivering. I am a carnal, sensual mortal man.  One on one, I cannot beat the adversary.  Does that bother you to read that??  You think i'm different because i'm a sexual addict??  I firmly believe that NO ONE can defeat Satan one on one.

We are not saved by our willpower. But our willpower can be used to CHOOSE God.

" We are powerless over lust....but we are not powerless over the phone."  I'm not powerless over attending meetings. I'm not powerless over cutting things out of life so I can focus on recovery/healing. I'm not powerless over tilling the spiritual soil so that the miracle of growth can occur in my 'garden.'

We give our agency and will to God. But we have to choose to do so. We have to exert will by nature of our faith and intelligence to make the conscious decision to turn our will over to God and obey him on every level.

And if we don't....well, we're probably giving our will to something else.

So this is a new goal of mine: to be able to live on a level where I can continually turn everything to my Higher Power and only do things in life that  He would desire and that He has commanded. He knows more than me. Plain and simple. Then, I will be able to have my own personal Millenium! (1,000 days of sobriety right??)

A killer quote!!

Here is a gem that my sponsor sent me today.  I biked today and forgot my phone so I've been connecting with others via email.

"Instead of telling God how big your problems are,

Try telling your problems how big your God is."

Another week. Another Day

So last week ended up being a good one. Nice and productive and better yet completely sober.

Here's how I stayed sober (seriously...every day is a battle. You addicts know how that is)

Did my dailies DAILY. That's why we call them dailies....you have to do them every day. I didn't WANT to every day. I did because if i don't I set myself up for relapse.

I contacted my sponsor every morning explaining what i studied and also every night before I went to bed stating how the day went.  I like this check in.   A week ago he told me flat out, "if you miss one day in the next 14 days I am dropping you."  EEk.

All addicts need a good sponsor like that.  A sponsor can tell you straight all day. And if you whine and moan and feel like he's picking on you....then you can have your pity party. Here's the thing about pity parties....NO ONE COMES TO THEM!! except for you of course.

Texted and called people every time my emotions were off. This is long before lust even shows up. You keep in tune with your emotions or if you're tired, hungry, or bored....we don't even have to run the rounds with lust.  However, triggers happen all the time...since everything is a trigger.  I had to say a special prayer before watching Star Trek. Yes, there were 2 scenes.  Now, to the normal person, just 2 scenes. But I will lose my mind and act out a week later based on a scene that flashed before my eyes for 1.8 seconds.

I read scriptures/recovery literature every day....even on Friday and Saturday. I don't work those days and I am doing fun things that I enjoy as much as i possibly can on those days. This weekend...i FORCED myself to read something and to pray and ponder. Sometimes it is only 15 minutes. 15 minutes can do wonders.

I also went to my recovery meetings on Monday night, Thurday night, and Saturday morning. I also did some home teaching visits on Tuesday night and Sunday after church.

It's exhausting. Easy does it. But recovery requires ALOT of conscious work for me. It is akin to training for an Iron Man. (which i may do next year...)


Side note. Had a rough chat with a girl. The same one that I wrote a letter to a few weeks ago. She still wants to date and doesn't know how to proceed.  I hate these chats. I hate telling a girl that I like and want to date that I can't.....and that I can't explain why.  "I am working on some personal issues."  But whether she understands or not, is irrelevant. I'm not dating and that is that.

In fact, i set up further ground rules.

1. No alone time with a girl. Even if she is a 'friend'.  The whole, "we'll just be friends" is garbage.
2. I can go to activities and chat and even flirt, but no asking a girl out....not even for a Sunday stroll. It's too risky.  I'm not sure I have ever met a girl that didn't think something of that.
3. No dates until I have 100 days of sobriety OR if the spirit strongly encourages otherwise.
4. No stupid texts to girls "just to see how they are doing" unless I'm sure that it is a harmless text. This is hard to know for me. I texted the girls that I home teach just to see how they've been. They have no interest in me which is great. I like girls that have zero interest in me.

I like ground rules. I believe people call them boundaries. I hate breaking them. I did so with the same girl I just mentioned. Last weekend (a week ago), we watched a movie and ended up cuddling. I really blew it. I was super sorry, but apologies don't seem to do much at that point. She completely avoided me at church yesterday. I am glad that she is mature enough to know how to move on.

So recovery continues....bloody slow...I don't know about you all but one day at a time is slow. One year = 365 days. But I can't think about that. Just today. Just work what I need to today. Surrender in the moment. There is no surrender in advance. There is no surrender in the abstract. 3 different guys at my meeting Saturday got multiple year chips; two with 2 years and 1 with 3 years. We even sing "Happy Birthday".

This addiction still sucks. I hate it. I hate how it messes up all my thinking and stunts my progress in life. Just today while checking cycling results over the weekend. (Tour of Italy stages and Tour of California wrapped up), i get triggered by the beautiful podium girls. They are too attractive for me. I can't handle it.  They have nothing to offer me. I closed it down.

Lies that I sometimes believe

Satan is the king of lies.  I buy into his lies too much. Dang, this guy is clever.  If it was ever me versus him in court (and he was the lawyer), i would probably be screwed.

I was talking to Pete just now about this. I also got flooded with texts from 4 different guys this morning expressing their struggles. It seems that there are alot of lies floating around that we believe.  I'll post the ones that i believe.  I know the wives out there believe their own lies.

Here are lies that often occur either right before, during, or after a relapse:

• Why should i fight, i'm not married and marriage is a year out at least.
• Why should I fight for a future marriage....marriage seems like one big headache.
• Looking at porn and MBing to it feels pretty dang awesome. (really, it does....)
• I still have my job....I'll be in recovery just enough so i can FUNCTION in life.
• If i lose my job...i have almost 10 grand in savings...i'll survive..i'm pretty smart
• Well, i just 'slipped' and now i'm all triggered and now i'm going to be in this stupid mood until i 'finish the job' properly
• At least I haven't acted out with prostitutes or have gone to a strip club or even fooled around with a girl.
• I don't want to do a 'bad act out' so I am going to lose to something more 'mild'
• Ok, so God is supposed to 'restore me to spiritual health'. How is He supposed to do that when I am in the way??  My agency (of a carnal addict) is never going to let God do anything.
• I'll be going to meetings the rest of my life and still addicted. :(
• Well, I don't have that many people who are really close to me, except for other addicts and my family who won't abandon me, who am I really affecting??
• Woman are attractive dang it!! God made me this way. I'm a sexual being!!
• Pain?? Sure the aftermath creates pain. It did the past hundred times i acted out. I'm used to pain. What is pain to me anymore?
• Today is a 'lost day' so I am going to get my money's worth and act out 2 more times 'today'.
• I'm not going to tell my girlfriend because that will only hurt her. She's better off not knowing.
• I'm not going to tell my sponsor i acted out....because he is going to ask me tough questions "What do you mean by slip? Did you do your dailies? Do you think you're an addict?"  (man, a sponsor can be real good at grilling me)
• I called and called but no one picked up. I did my best to surrender, but since no one picked up, i still feel pissed and now i am going to act out.
• Relationships suck!! I hate them!! Ah!! whine, whine, whine....i'm going to go act out to spite them all!!
• I feel so depressed. I'm such a piece of crap.
• Recovery doesn't work for me. It only works for some people. I'm not ever going to actually recover.

Today, I accept these lies. They have happened. I still buy them. There are more.  However, I want to desire to being to desire to not buy into these lies anymore.

I simply trust the fact that recovery is possible in theory. I still struggle with the reality that I could wake up one morning with 1,000 days of sobriety, a wife, and sponsees calling me for help that morning. I think (i hope) it will happen someday.

One day at a time. I choose to be sober today. Not sure exactly why. But I will do what I have to in order to stay sober.

Surrender part 1

So the last 2 days have been rough. boo hoo.

I only survived because I made several phone calls and texts and lots of 'surrendering.' 

This term 'surrender' seems to be an interesting concept. I'm not going to give some long discourse or doctrine (i would at another time), but the gist of it is getting out of your head and connecting with someone else.  And not only connecting but openly sharing what you are thinking and feeling and letting it all go.

This is very difficult.  This appears to be the key to staying sober.  I don't know yet if it is the key to recovery but it at least keeps me from acting out.

I have to admit over and over to other addicts that I am weak and insane.

This isn't necessarily self-bashing (ok, maybe?) but I need to admit that AGAINST LUST or those NEGATIVE EMOTIONS I am weak and insane. My brain literally is wired poorly.  I have committed to letting my brain get re-wired in a healthy way.  This takes time. Studies indicate that it takes months and years. 

"I surrender" = "I have to let go"

I have to let go that I have several, several more battles to go. (i only have to win today)
I surrender that I don't get to view the same media as 'normal people.'
I surrender that I can't be on facebook, or checking email, or anything virtual if my head isn't right.
I surrender that I am frustrated that i'm an addict to begin with.
I surrender that I have a strong desire to be perfect and to not make ANY mistakes. (I still believe the phrase "everyone makes mistakes" but I don't believe "it's okay to make mistakes.")
I surrender that I have alot of shame issues and feel that love is linked to our performance. (God may love/like us unconditionally because he is an immortal, perfect being...I feel like I have to 'earn' love and approval from everyone else.)
I surrender that I'm not stable or in recovery enough to enjoy a fulfilling relationship.
I surrender that I don't get to be intimate with someone. All thoughts of that are simply in my head. They aren't real.
I surrender that I am powerless over my defects and insecurities.
I surrender my thinking that life is default bad and not default good.
I surrender the thoughts that I am inadequate and that i'm not an efficient employee at my job.
I surrender the thoughts that until I'm a 100% sober with 5 years of sobriety....I have no real value/worth and cannot be truly loved by anyone.
I surrender my craving to look at attractive girls because 'they are just so hot, ok!"
I surrender my craving to numb out by listening to hours of 80's heavy metal. (yep, giving that up too...I have listening to hymns or Beethoven in my car every morning for the past week)
I surrender my evenings on Monday, Thursday to attend SA meetings.
I surrender my Saturday mornings to attend SA meetings.
I surrender my stubbornness to make a phone call when I'd rather just 'deal with it myself."
I surrender my compulsion to play the victim and want everyone to pity me.

well, that's all I can think of for now.

I feel a little less weight now after writing that.

Good luck to all out there who are full of stress, worry, irritability, fear of the future.  You can surrender those things. You can let them go.

Letting go does NOT equal "i don't care."  It's the opposite somehow.  It is what all mortals must do. We, our carnal natures, our enemies to God. We must let the natural man go.  THAT is surrender.