Midnight ponderings

So i should be working on a project for school that is due tomorrow.  I got reading some posts of friends on facebook.  Not the best site to be on for me at such a late hour.  I'm in a public place so I guess I feel i could.

Anyway, I read a poignant post that outlines an interview with a girl struggling with addiction to pornography.

This touched me. It made me really feel for this girl. What a vicious battle.  And you know what is so sad....we are such helpless victims in the beginning.  Ok, yes, we chose it. Yes, we should have 'gritted our teeth' and resisted.  She got involved in 7th grade. Just a little girl.  I feel the same way.  I was hooked on masturbation first.  I was involved in that for several months before I knew their was even a word for it.  And then we go through the entire teenage years trying to figure out how to beat it.  What tough times.  And then we are in college trying to get the stupid addiction/habit out.

Why would this happen?? Why would something so vile be so prevalent and pervasive??  I strongly believe that nothing occurs in this world unless there is something to be learned from it.

I can say that without a doubt that this addiction that I've battle for so many years was intended to be a part of my mortality.  I am an eternal and infinite being. I possess the potential to become celestial and glorious.

This process of recovery has shaped and molded me like nothing else has.  I don't glory in the suffering. Much of it has been needless.  Much of it could have been prevented.

I stay sober when I work a program of recovery.
I stay sober when I let others into my life.
I stay sober when I connect deeply and meaningfully with God on a daily and moment to moment basis

  Seriously, I have no choice but to constantly connect with God. I can't handle lust. I can't handle any negative emotion. I can't bury either but rather acknowledge it and surrender it.  I can't handle oogling over an attractive girl. I simply can't handle it.  I can't afford to drink in lust on any level.  I can't resist this stuff with sheer willpower.  It is insufficient.  Recovery requires power. Power from a source greater than ourselves.


As far as life is concerned, I've been dating a really nice girl.  I've been as best as I can to her. She is such a sweet and beautiful girl.  I have not told her about my addiction yet and it is bothering me.  I have been praying and pondering the timing but I feel nothing but unease about it.  Last Sunday, we set a time to go for a walk and have a serious discussion. I couldn't do it.  I felt nothing but pain and knots in my stomach.  I didn't feel right about dumping this story on her.  I was depressed and frustrated the rest of the night.

The moment of 'confession' is such a stressful and anxiety-ridden moment.  Im in such a tight spot.  I just don't want to tell her. I can't bear it.  I'm not the most solid. I've not put in the work in my recovery as i should.  I always wish i could jump forward in time with this all in the 'past'.  It is frustrating that it is not. I stayed completely sober the first 2 months of our dating but have relapsed several times over the past 3 weeks.  i've debated letting her go or telling her and letting her make the choice.

I don't like either scenario at all.  I'm stuck. I cannot expect a girl to fight this with me. It is NOT her fight. This is no innocent girl's battle.

I don't know how I'd handle breaking up and I don't know how i'd handle telling her and then trying to maintain the relationship.  I really want this fence sitting to end.  We'll see how the rest of this week goes....

Tuesday's burden

I need to outline some realities for myself.  First off addiction is real.  It is an emotional, spiritual, physical obsession.  It is enslavement.  It is powerful. It is seemingly rewarding. Addiction requires very little. It is easy, thus it is easy to acquire and easy to prevail.

Recovery on the other hand requires patience, exertion of will to petition higher forces, time, diligence and consistency.  Recovery is a very conscious and deliberation set of actions. Recovery can’t be attained by the individual alone. This may be the most critical element of its success and quite possibly the most difficult to master.

I have been struggling over the past week and a half.  I have not been so inundated with tasks and challenges and decisions like this in well over two years. I am so committed to recovery but my actions seem to support otherwise. I am devoting my life just to stay afloat the load of work and school.  This is frustrating because I need recovery work. I need meetings. I haven’t gone to a meeting in over a month.  I can conjure up myriad excuses and pretexts but the fact remains that I have a lot to do. I’ve been consistently one week behind in my school projects which are very time consuming.

I lack the faith and possibly the ability to make the priority to spend ample time in actively addressing this addiction. It does not solve itself. It simply does not.

Mingle the stress of the ‘load’ and the diminishing hours of sleep, and I face a growing temptation more and more.

My sobriety suffered. My confidence suffers.

It is rather pitiable and sad that we addicts only get to express the woes on these blogs. Perhaps we seek comfort or some sort of validation. It seems to be at the root of our addiction anyway. We are so much more.

There seems to be a fine line between humility and self-loathing. Perhaps it is more apparent to the outsider, but for me….it is a fine line. I acknowledge my plight.  I admit my problem.  But I suppose I lack in taking the next two steps…that God can and will restore me and that it requires my entire will and soul.

Just three more days until my work week is over. 3 more days. Then the beginning of Fall break. I need a break….