So i should be working on a project for school that is due tomorrow. I got reading some posts of friends on facebook. Not the best site to be on for me at such a late hour. I'm in a public place so I guess I feel i could.
Anyway, I read a poignant post that outlines an interview with a girl struggling with addiction to pornography.
This touched me. It made me really feel for this girl. What a vicious battle. And you know what is so sad....we are such helpless victims in the beginning. Ok, yes, we chose it. Yes, we should have 'gritted our teeth' and resisted. She got involved in 7th grade. Just a little girl. I feel the same way. I was hooked on masturbation first. I was involved in that for several months before I knew their was even a word for it. And then we go through the entire teenage years trying to figure out how to beat it. What tough times. And then we are in college trying to get the stupid addiction/habit out.
Why would this happen?? Why would something so vile be so prevalent and pervasive?? I strongly believe that nothing occurs in this world unless there is something to be learned from it.
I can say that without a doubt that this addiction that I've battle for so many years was intended to be a part of my mortality. I am an eternal and infinite being. I possess the potential to become celestial and glorious.
This process of recovery has shaped and molded me like nothing else has. I don't glory in the suffering. Much of it has been needless. Much of it could have been prevented.
I stay sober when I work a program of recovery.
I stay sober when I let others into my life.
I stay sober when I connect deeply and meaningfully with God on a daily and moment to moment basis
Seriously, I have no choice but to constantly connect with God. I can't handle lust. I can't handle any negative emotion. I can't bury either but rather acknowledge it and surrender it. I can't handle oogling over an attractive girl. I simply can't handle it. I can't afford to drink in lust on any level. I can't resist this stuff with sheer willpower. It is insufficient. Recovery requires power. Power from a source greater than ourselves.
As far as life is concerned, I've been dating a really nice girl. I've been as best as I can to her. She is such a sweet and beautiful girl. I have not told her about my addiction yet and it is bothering me. I have been praying and pondering the timing but I feel nothing but unease about it. Last Sunday, we set a time to go for a walk and have a serious discussion. I couldn't do it. I felt nothing but pain and knots in my stomach. I didn't feel right about dumping this story on her. I was depressed and frustrated the rest of the night.
The moment of 'confession' is such a stressful and anxiety-ridden moment. Im in such a tight spot. I just don't want to tell her. I can't bear it. I'm not the most solid. I've not put in the work in my recovery as i should. I always wish i could jump forward in time with this all in the 'past'. It is frustrating that it is not. I stayed completely sober the first 2 months of our dating but have relapsed several times over the past 3 weeks. i've debated letting her go or telling her and letting her make the choice.
I don't like either scenario at all. I'm stuck. I cannot expect a girl to fight this with me. It is NOT her fight. This is no innocent girl's battle.
I don't know how I'd handle breaking up and I don't know how i'd handle telling her and then trying to maintain the relationship. I really want this fence sitting to end. We'll see how the rest of this week goes....
Know what's awesome? I responded to that blog post - offered resourced, including my own blog.... since I posted it about a week and a half ago about 6 women who saw that response have reached out to me with their own struggle... God is sooooo good. My comment is sort of lost in the mix and no one has actually responded to it, but the Lord made sure that those that needed to, saw it. Love it.
ReplyDelete@Sidreis--Way to go! That's great to read that people are finding you! (Please let me know if any are from WA ;)
ReplyDelete@Warrior--you're awesome. I reposted one of your paragraphs. You articulate things so well.
And...I think you are very in tune with yourself, and think you should applaud yourself for following your gut over telling her about your addiction. I'm sure the spirit will let you know when the time is right.
You are absolutely right "IT'S NOT HER BATTLE TO FIGHT" and it never will be. She CAN'T fight your battle. She has her own battles to fight. But who are you to say that some girl's battle with her feelings and responses to your addiction aren't meant to be her mortal experience? We come to this life to learn through experience. I applaud your concern and the pain you feel about bringing this addiction into a woman's life. I doubly, triply, quadruply applaud your desire to be honest before things get more serious. Isn't that part of what recovery from addiction is all about? Learning to be a more vulnerable, authentic person and recognizing that you are loveable despite your weaknesses? You can't control her response to finding out, but you can control your own choices - you can choose to be honest and real.
ReplyDeletePray, listen to yourself, listen to God, you'll do the right thing.
-MM
There is nothing hidden between myself and my girlfriend. It has made us both stronger. She is totally understanding and forgiving. Also, she has fun each week finding some new mobile meal to have ready for me each week to make sure I make it to group meeting after work!
ReplyDeleteI once thought to myself that if I repented, I would never have to tell anyone. I was wrong. Being open and honest has been the best thing I ever did.