I am feeling....

Just wanted to write out what i'm feeling right now.

I'm feeling lonely. I'm a happy guy but sometimes when no one cares when I get home or not it gets old.
I'm feeling weak.  Lust beats me up. No matter how good yesterday was. Today is a new battle.
I'm feeling a need to be pitied.  Yes, i admit it. I want everyone to feel sorry for me.
I'm feeling worn out physically. I pushed myself hard this past weekend. Didn't get enough sleep.
I'm feeling inadequate at work.  I have so much to do some days. And never feel like i'm efficient enough.
I'm feeling a strong desire to ask a girl out. I want attention from her. I want to flirt. It makes me feel good.
I'm feeling a tad overwhelmed. I need to have a work project done by the end of the week. Not sure how.
I'm feeling apathetic. I feel guilty for this but one of the ways i cope with stress or pain is to tell myself that it doesn't matter and that i don't care. Bascially, lower my expectations for life.


Just stating the facts. Trying to be real with myself. After a bit of sobriety, the emotions seem to float to the surface. Just like after a ship gets sunk. All the crap that went into the water has to resurface at some point.

I'll have to do what works to survive today. I'm going to need to make my calls and do my surrendering. Surrender is becoming a way of life for me. I find it to be an interesting principle. I'm going to post more on it another day.

Is rock bottom necessary??

I had a good chat with my sponsor today after our Saturday meeting. A few things he said were quite profound. We talked about step 1 and also about the objective of the whole 12-step program and recovery.

Step 1 is about honesty and willingness.

It is coming to reality. It is coming to the realization that we are insane.  Now, insane makes some people think of asylums and completely dysfunctional people. "I'm certainly not one of those!! I'm not insane!!"

Here is what insane people do: EXPECTING A DIFFERENT RESULT AFTER DOING SOMETHING REPEATEDLY THAT DOESN'T EVER WORK.

If i am allergic to peanuts, and I eat peanuts....I will have a reaction.  Insanity is thinking that I will be different this time. The AA Big Book talks alot about this as well.  A true alcoholic has to realize that he/she will not be able to drink again. They can't handle it.

I can't handle lust. I cannot. Just on Thursday night, I was watching a Star Trek episode with a roommate (yeah, we're nerds i guess. I mainly watch it bc he's into it...the show's not too bad...anyway....)

There was a female character on the show. She was in the typical space jump suit. Skin tight. You get the picture. Too much. Too much for me.  Well, I watched the bloody episode but afterwards I had to contact some people and surrender.  It made me sick.  I had a reaction.  It will happen EVERY TIME. I don't get to watch shows like that and expect nothing to happen. I don't get to watch movies by myself. I don't get to watch TV late at night just to 'check the news or see what's on." I don't get to. boo hoo.

Ok, rock bottom.

So I can applaud myself for getting help now. I can say, "Man, so glad i have never been to a strip club, or touched a girl inappropriately, or gotten one of those 'massages' that other addicts talk about.  Dang, I must not be that bad."

Therein exists the lie.  MY ADDICTION IS JUST AS BAD!!
If I stop recovery work....eventually, i will be doing ALL those things.  Even with all my testimony and knowledge of addiction and 100's meetings i've been to,  I WILL PROGRESS TO SUCH LEVELS!

Here is my sponsor's killer line:

"We don't have to HIT rock bottom, we just have to SEE rock bottom and KNOW that it will exist for us."
"We don't have to go DOWN to the rock bottom. Let the rock bottom come UP to us."

I hear the insane stories of other addicts. I will be doomed to repeat it unless I give my ENTIRE SOUL TO RECOVERY. And I am doing that (as best i can). But my will is still so weak. I'm still so wimpy. But what choice do I have??  I don't have to go to prison. I don't have to lose my job. I don't have to be plagued with a failed marriage. I don't have to let this addiction destroy more of my life until I decide to seek sobriety.

Recovery or death.

I choose recovery and whatever it requires.

Plans for the summer

Checking in. I can feel myself drifting a bit today. Not focusing properly at work. I don't always get much personal time in the evenings so I do so at work. I start at 7 am. I am identifying it now. There is a combination of stress and fear. Stress about work projects that are due by the end of the month. I want them done. I want to impress my boss. There are many reasons why that is a favorable thing (not just bc it is co-dependent of me).  And also the stress/fears with dating and relationships. Fears of the future and how it will all turn out. I'm taking deep breathes and letting it go best i can.

I had to write a girl an email this past week about how I am not pursuing relationships at this time. We had been spending more and more time together as "friends." But I needed to be more clear. Well, I figured it was clear. She was 'all cool with it.'  We ended up going out Saturday. I didn't put my arm around her or make any moves.  She then invited me to go to a little dinner on Sunday with one of her favorite uncles.  I thought about...and went.  I felt like the boyfriend. Luckily i was introduced as 'the friend,' but i went home feeling kinda upset about it.  I get myself into these dilemmas.  I also noticed that I have a tendency to always attract forward, 'go get em' type girls.  I must be easy to prey on.  On the outside, i'm a nice, funny, conversational, personable, approachable kinda guy. And it can be emotionally depressing to have to say "sorry, can't date right now"  "why not??" "because i can't....and I can't tell you."  :(

But I feel peace about letting that go. I have written a hundred times about that.  We had a multi-ward FHE on Monday that involved speed dating. That would have been fun. I love to chat and flirt. I like meeting new girls. But....I went to a sexaholics anonymous meeting instead.  Not only am I having to give up dating but also getting all caught up in flirting and chatting. 

A friend of mine texted me and said it all matters where the motives are. Where is your heart. Am i using the whole flirting/dating as my validation and self-worth?? Am I trying to fill a void through attention from girls?? I can have that through God. He can fill that void. He is the only one that should. I feel peace writing about that. I read in D&C 38 today and I am in awe at what these infinite beings have done and what they mean to me. God is so real to me. It isn't just some fantastical notion to make us all feel good. It is real. I truly am on this earth as a spiritual being in a temporal world. This battle with addiction is my mortality.


I honestly think I will simply enjoy the next several months like this. Over the whole summer.
My goals will be to continue recovery one day at a time. Learning to be more emotionally stable. Working on getting my 'house in order."  And working on righting my wrongs and defects. Every guy with solid recovery speaks of that. I have a good sponsor now who is very thorough. I'm grateful for him. I hope to learn whatever I can from him. I'm going to do all 12 steps and I don't care the result. I don't even care if step 9 requires me to confess to my boss and i lose my job. I have no worries about the future at this moment. Come what comes.

I also want to continue to do well at work and save money.  I want to progress in all aspects of my life as much as I possibly can so that by September (or when the spirit dictates) I can proceed with dating and 'wife hunting".  (Ok, girls don't like to hear it like that....but it's true)

And....ride my bike as much as possible!!  Weather is going to be great this weekend! I'm shooting for a century ride this Friday!

Slip vs Relapse vs Binge

I always found the statement, "I slipped" to be kinda interesting.

Slip:  To slide involuntarily and lose one's balance or foothold


I am hard on myself. I expect alot out of myself. I take self-punishment to an unhealthy level at times. I probably don't love myself as well as I should. 'Slip' always seemed wimpy way to say that you just did something horrible.

Now, I haven’t relapsed lately. I have been doing my utmost to stay connected with the support group and do a small something for recovery daily.

A slip seems to be when you are completely blindsided and triggered beyond that “point of no return.”  Harriet wrote me a great email on this once.  It is one thing for an addict to turn a corner, see a super attractive immodest girl, look for about 3 full seconds and snap out of it versus being bored and clicking on a site that “you didn’t know what you would find” and look for 5 minutes at garbage.

A slip can be unintentional.  Slips can be good learning moments. You can figure out where the enemy is coming in. Lust is like an alien attack (Don’t see that movie…it’s freaky).  The clever beasts are trying to get in.  Just like Moroni and defending against the Lamanites. Lust never sleeps. Where is the devil going to go??  He has nothing better to do.

Slips are getting bombarded by something.  It is those ‘in your face moments.”  A couple of weeks ago I had a slip. I was doing well and got majorly triggered. I acted out in about 3 minutes. I did. I lost. It was dumb.  I called it out. I texted the group. I owned up to it.  Slips don't have to be the end of the world. If you have a slip, OWN UP TO IT. Be honest. I just have to. I have got to take responsibility and try to figure out what went wrong leading up to it.

But in this case I didn’t quite do that…..


I let it fester. I didn’t try and get beneath the surface. After that I relapsed. I started to bring walls down. I started to search things out.

A relapse is more intentional.  A relapse is where you open up the laptop at 11:30 pm while emotional about something your partner said ("I’m just going to check my email….").  Or turn on the TV when no one is home because you're kinda bored.  Or go to the gym so you can check out girls in their stupid tight workout clothes.  Those are relapses.  Those are unacceptable.
You can still learn from a relapse but it is a bit harder to trace the steps.  At least it is for me.  I think back on what I was doing during the days after my slip and I didn’t really remember. It becomes a blur.

Binge: multiple relapses in quick succession without much regard to consequences. 
This is how it usually goes for me, “Well I just slipped. And relapsed.  I going to call today a “lost battle.”  What are 3 more relapses today going to matter?? Today is a loss. I might as well enjoy the next few relapses.”  And that is a very dangerous place to be. Very dangerous.

But us, addicts have probably all been there.


The solution: stay connected, stay in tune with your feelings, pray lots, work steps, go to meetings. Don't beat yourself up. Let go, let god. Easy does it. One day at a time.

There are no new secrets. There really aren’t.  Just humility and consistency. But recovery seems possible to me.

My Justice League

so Chris did an awesome post about Superman. I'll be frank...Superman is not my favorite. He's too powerful. Too invincible. Too handsome. I relate more to Batman. (dark, lives in isolation, uses his human wits and skills to be a super hero..)

But Superman is part of the Justice League. I just wanted to make a post about that and why that is critical for me.

I cannot survive without constant support.

When I say "I cannot survive" this means: Without connection, text/phone calls/meetings with other sexual addict men, it is only a matter of time that all the emotions, boredom, lust dulls down my defenses to the point where I don't really care to be sober or not, find something to look at/fantasty about and act out.

Like my sponsor asks me, "Did you eat today? Is eating important to you?"
(as a real devil's advocate I said, "Well, sometimes I can go a whole day without eating...")

Bottom line is, I need connection on a daily and regular basis or I just fade to black. My expiration date is a few hours right now.

I have to give a shout out for Pete.  We've been chatting and texting on a daily basis lately (sometimes a few times a day). He's a total stud. Dang, we understand each other pretty well.  I was chatting with him yesterday to get some advice on a certain situation.  And one great thing about chatting with others is that you get a chance to vent or say something you learned or try and put emotions to words. 

And it's also really helpful to try and coach someone else through a troubling time.  Even if you acted out the day before, an addict always know the secrets and the bulls*** of another addict.  Seriously...  If someone text me and is all "oh I surrender. Feeling lustful."  I don't stop at that.  I ask them straight up what it is. What are they feeling?? What's the preceeding events??

And you know...we survive.

So you addicts out there....quite being all prideful and make some gosh dang calls!!
"We don't call because we want to, we call because we don't want to."


Smash the ego. That's what step 1 is all about.
I have to realize that I have to do whatever recovery requires that day. TODAY. I slept in this morning. I didn't do proper dailies. I don't like that.  I PLEADED with God today to let me be sober. Because I can't do it.  I called a buddy and I texted Pete. And I'm going to send a mass text to 15 more guys and tell them how I'm feeling.

I'm going to do some more writing at lunch.  I can. survive. until lunch.  I can be sober today. Relax. Breathe.

And now get back to work.....

P.s. There are so many blogs rolling now.. I don't think i'm going to be able to read them all. But I wish the best for all of you!! We got this!!

More battles, yet one more victory

Yesterday was intense.  I'm trying to evaluate it from a physical, emotional, and spiritual standpoint.  I don't particularly like doing a day's recap.  I don't particularly like trying to 'figure out what went wrong.'

I did survive the day. But I felt like I fell asleep with enough battle wounds to last the week.

Physical:
 I didn't get to bed at a time I would have liked.  I spent Sunday night at the house of an old coworker/friend. He has 3 cute little kids. I totally made friends with his daughters. We stayed up late-ish watching the Tour of Flanders (go Cancellera!!)  And I ate 2 big cups of ice cream before going to bed. (post b-day ice cream that is)

So I woke up a bit tired and not the best in the stomach.  I also didn't get a chance to do a workout during my lunch break.  In fact, because of work being so busy, i didn't get a lunch break.

Emotional:
I actually didn't feel too off in this category. I'm usually triggered most when I'm emotionally off. Either I'm whining and self-pitying about being a single, alone addict (boo hoo). or I'm resenting someone that has a life that I envy. But yesterday...that wasn't the case.

Spiritual:
I did read scriptures for about 15 minutes in the morning. It was shorter than I would have liked. I really have to be in bed on-time to read effectively. (i did so this morning...and I feel great.)  I tried to keep God on my mind and have a prayer in my heart.

Mental:
This is where I burned out. I had so many things to do yesterday and not much moments for mental breaks.  However, I can always take a 60 second break. Sometimes that is all that it takes.

Well, the moment of battle came around 4:30.  I just finished eating a PB&H (honey) and had a moment of peace. I wanted to just veg for about 2 minutes. Sadly, the only thing that my brain can come up with is to cruise facebook or some news article.  And I get hit with a lust hit. I wanted to view a site i have to before in the past. I looked it up. I did. I came across some video with a very attractive model. It was too much. I closed down the window. My brain was seriously about to shut down. Point of no return. It took everything in my power to grab my phone and start texting. I texted every person I could think of.   The responses started pouring in. I kept texting. Over and over. I got probably 7-8 responses. I sang hymns over and over.  I prayed and prayed.  I wanted so badly for it to pass. It was exhausting.

I left work around 6 and made a Monday evening meeting. I feel so safe at meetings.  The spirit of recovery recharged me. I soaked it all in.  I even shared what had happened to me that day.

After that, i went to a birthday party. Chilled with some people. Made a couple of new friends.  I went to bed on time. Said my prayers. Thanked God for that day.

And while in bed.....huge trigger to masturbate!!  Good grief!!  This was almost intense as the battle before!  I wanted to so badly.  I would have been over in minutes.  But I had to scream out in my mind..."Father let this pass!"  I recognized that it was merely Satan messing with me.  I do sincerely believe that some triggers aren't always rooted in us and all the mess in us....sometimes Satan and his forces throw 'cow pies' at us.

I focused on happy things. "think  happy thoughts"  And I sang a hymn i've memorized over and over.  I laid on my back and didn't move. And just prayed sleep would overtake me.

And I did sleep. And I had great dreams. And I felt great this morning. In fact, I felt the spirit especially strong while driving to work.

These are my battles. Not always daily but certainly regularly. One freaking day at a time!!  ugg.....