Battle log of a small (BIG) victory

Need to recount an experience yesterday.  This battle rages on.  If this truly is my battle log than I want to tell of a vital victory I had.

I like to do volunteer work. For one it keeps me occupied but I like to do things were I don’t have to serve myself or seek some sort of gain.  I tutor an English class every Wednesday to a few Latinos.  (4 total but sometimes they don’t all come). I really enjoy it.  I speak Spanish so the program directors give me the ones that basically don’t know any English.

Well, there is a program aide that comes around to check on the groups and help out when needed. And yes, she is a very attractive girl. And yes, I like to flirt with her any time she comes by. I’m not trying to cause any trouble (maybe that’s all in my head) but I am a very conversational and friendly kind of guy.

 She knows quite a bit of Spanish so I will ask her tough translation questions or ‘how would you best explain this??’  So as she came by, she went to grab my dictionary that was on the table where all my students and I were sitting. And she bends over right in front in me.  I don’t need to say more....

Well, I did my best to surrender but I’m in the middle of class. But yes, the image was printed in my head. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t want to see what I saw. It happened.  I don’t want to blame myself for any of it.  But the fact remained, something triggering for me had entered my system.

When class was over, I immediately made some calls. I called two people but only left messages. Then I got home and made some dinner. I texted two different guys and they gave me some good input.  I was doing my ‘surrender.’  I wrote in my journal about what happened and wrote truth statements and positive things.  I prayed for the girl.  I asked to let it go. She is not mine. She is not mine to take from. I don’t need to fantasize about her. I’m committed to do my recovery work for now. I don’t need to daydream about asking her out or trying to do more with her. I don’t need that.

Well, I don’t think my heart was convinced, because when I knelt down for my nightly prayers, I got bombarded with more thoughts.  Somehow my addict self thinks I can lust a little and get away with it. This is my insanity!!!  I HAD A MINI PANIC ATTACK! Seriously, thoughts of ‘I really liked the shirt she was wearing….I wonder what she looks like without the shirt….I wonder what her figure looks like, she’s really trim….blah blah blah…”  

I had to get up and get out of the room!!  I put on shoes and a coat and went outside and immediately called someone.  He didn’t pick up. It was 11 pm by now.  I thought of going back inside and just praying more.  But I needed to talk this out.  I finally got a hold of Pete. And laid it out.  He totally called me out on everything.  He is the one that pointed out that I had not surrendered fully.

BUT I HAD PRAYED AND TEXTED!!  I DID ALL THAT SURRENDER REQUIRES!!

You know when your surrender is sufficient???  When you have received peace and calm.  Irritability. Uneasiness. Restlessness. These are not the fruits of true surrender to God.

Light bulb.

My surrender isn’t done until I experience those feelings.

Well, I got back to my room, get into bed, and just pour out my heart. ‘God, I’m spent. Take this one for me. I have done what I can. Please just take this. Please do the rest where I am powerless.’

And it worked….it a very quiet and humbling way. It brought tears to my eyes.

That is how I stayed sober.  One little event….required a huge learning experience.  These are the true battles for me.  No blood. No swords. No grand victory ceremony. Nothing.  Just me. And a few guys I texted. And God.  (and now anyone who cares to read this post!!....)

One day at a time.

One moment at a time.

Surviving Vegas

What an intense weekend.  Yet, it was a good weekend. Recovery is starting to work.  (not to jinx myself).  Here is the low down.  So for a late Christmas present me, brother, older sister decided to take my younger sister to see a Cirque du Soleil concert in delightful Las Vegas.

I really wanted to do it. I am a huge fan of their shows. Never had seen one live though, but we had rented the DVDs of the performances.  I am just in awe at the physical ability and talent of these performers.

Well, we spent the majority of the day in St George visiting family.  I really did NOT want to spend any time cruising Vegas.  I hate the place, for obvious reasons.  My older sister knows of my addiction and I tipped her off beforehand that I wanted to avoid ‘the Strip’ if possible.  (what a terrible name for a road…)  I also let my sponsor know and about 5 other guys.

We got to Vegas with about 90 minutes to kill.  My little sis hadn’t seen the lights and the fountains and the great and spacious buildings.  So I had to endure walking from Treasure Island to the Bellagio and back.  (p.s. those fountains are sweet!)  I had to pray non stop!!  Constantly averting my eyes.  Luckily, I am a huge fan of architecture so I tried to look up the whole time.  (Don’t look down because the ground is covered in salacious material)

We stopped to get food….(in Mcdonald’s) and I texted several people. Everyone was giving positive encouragement. 

It’s kind of interesting to think that there are so many people going to Vegas and loving it and having such a ‘good time’ and drinking and all this visual garbage. I am okay if I never go to this place ever again.

Well, even during the performance, which was not erotic by any means. There were a couple of female dancers throughout the show with not much on. Talented and strong women. But yes, attractive. I acknowledged that.  I had to pray during the show as well.  And lust wanted me to give me so badly….”come on it’s part of the show! She’s not TRYING to be all sexy”.  It didn’t matter. I couldn’t focus on that. I survived.  I made more contacts after the show was over.

Then the aftermath before going to sleep. I had to write a journal entry and get it all out.  While saying my prayers I just got viciously attacked. I had to plead and plead with God to let these images go.  Everything thing that entered my system throughout the evening and also any image I’ve ever seen was fair game.  This lust had entered my system despite my best efforts.  I honestly did not want trouble but whether you intend to or not…..if you see a bad image, then it’s going into your system.  I had to get it all out.  It is exhausting.

Fortunately, I was so super tired that I fell right asleep (and my dreams were weird and full of triggering scenes and images…..sometimes we get no reprieve even when we sleep)

Church in the morning. More intense prayer during the sacrament.

I made it. I stayed sober.  I made a few phone calls that evening and went to a meeting.  The meeting was awesome. Lots of honest shares. I shared my weekend and got it all out.

I have done some hard things in my life and these kinds of experiences have got to top the chart.

Here’s to a sober Monday!

NEVERTHELESS....

I have been doing some very in depth scripture study lately.  I am reading Mosiah chapter 3.  It has already taken me three days and I’m not a third of the way through the chapter.
I was very intrigued by a verse in the scriptures and also a couple in the bible.

Mosiah 3:7

7 And lo, he shall suffer temptations, and pain of body, hunger, thirst, and fatigue, even more than man can suffer, except it be unto death; for behold, blood cometh from every pore, so great shall be his anguish for the wickedness and the abominations of his people.

Does it disturb anyone that Jesus Christ had to endure temptations?? He was tempted. He was tempted by mortal appetites. I wonder if the devil ever tempted him with carnal pleasures.
Now, before you lynch me in justifying that I can be tempted and lust and sin and get away with it let me read you two verses from the good book:

Hebrews 2:18

18 For in that he himself hath suffered being tempted, he is able to succor them that are tempted.

Hebrews 4:15

15 For we have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities; but was in all points tempted like as we are, yet without sin.

Jesus Christ was tempted in all points yet was without sin…..because he DID NOT YIELD TO TEMPTATIONS! He was tempted so that he could relate to me. He knows what being lustful is like. He knows the intense shame I feel when I relapse and binge. He knows what betrayal trauma is. He knows what child-birth feels like.

But Jesus, the Son of God, did in fact suffer. We know this. Even the very crushing pains in Gethsemane were more than maybe even He imagined.

Mark and Luke capture this moment:

       Mark 14:35-36
35 And he went forward a little, and fell on the ground, and prayed that, if it were possible, the hour might pass from him.
36 And he said, Abba, Father, all things are possible unto thee; take away this cup from me: nevertheless not what I will, but what thou wilt.

        Luke 22:42-44
42 Saying, Father, if thou be willing, remove this cup from me: nevertheless not my will, but thine, be done.
43 And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him.
44 And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly: and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground. 


Even in that moment where Jesus was crushed with pain, even then, he looked to his Father.  This god-man Jesus Christ wished there was some other way! He asked the Father to let the pain just pass! He asked that he might not drink the bitter cup!!!

NEVERTHELESS….he finished the work. 
NEVERTHELESS….He did not cave in. 
NEVERTHELESS….He did the Father’s will and not his own.

NEVERTHELESS….I will stay sober today and not indulge a bit of lust
NEVERTHELESS….I will endure being single and often times lonely.
NEVERTHELESS….I will turn off the TV even if I am so dang bored.
NEVERTHELESS….I will not oogle the girl no matter how ‘out of this world’ her body is to me.
NEVERTHELESS….I will do God’s will and not whatever I want.



Have I made my point???

Who do I stay sober for??

Well, I’ve managed 2 solid weeks in a row since my last crash.  I managed to attend 11 recovery meetings in those 2 weeks as well.  I have written in my journal every day. And I’ve managed to make at least 2 contacts each day. I met with my sponsor each Saturday morning to go over my specific assignments. I repeat to myself every time I walk by the TV “I can’t watch TV alone. I can’t handle anything on it. I am powerless over what is played on the various channels.”

Those are the things that I do to stay sober.

But they are only part of my process to stay in recovery.

What is this ‘in recovery’?
What is my goal anyway??
• “I want to overcome lust!’
• ‘I want to be all sobered up!’

Yes, yes, all those things.  But there seems to be a greater goal here. I am striving to become like unto God, the Father, and his son, Jesus Christ. I am just as eternal as they are.  I have a soul within my mortal body that is pure and infinite. I am an exalted being in training. That is what recovery is for me….it is undergoing a fundamental, spiritual change. I am being recreated. It is a divine process. It has to be done today. And one moment at a time.

In terms of recovery,  this transformation, I am learning new ways of seeing myself and the world.  And ultimately these are the changes that are producing sexual sobriety for me.

I am FINALLY taking to heart the notion that I MATTER.  I AM IMPORTANT. BEING SOBER DOES MATTER. TAKING EVEN AN OUNCE OF LUST IN MY SYSTEM MATTERS….IT PRODUCES A NEGATIVE RESULT INEVITABLY!!

You know why I didn't act out sexually the past two weeks???
• Looking at pornographic material – harms Warrior. It harms ME!
• Daydreaming about sex – harms Warrior. It harms ME!
• Fantasizing lustfully – harms Warrior. It harms ME!
• Masturbating just because it feels super good – harms Warrior. It harms ME!
• Checking girls out to get lust hits - harms Warrior. It harms ME!

I don’t want to indulge in this addiction not because I’m trying to make my parents happy, not because I am trying to win some girl back or be worthy, not because it will make me a better husband, employee, brother, friend, priesthood holder.  (those are good supplemental reasons….)

I don’t want to indulge because it hurts ME. It ruins MY life.  Take away my job, my family, my friends, my priesthood…..I will still be sober. I will still seek recovery.

This is one of the best changes I've ever experienced in the past 18 years

What is the deal with physical attraction??

This is a topic I have pondered for a long time. I think my brain is so messed up on this topic I don’t quite know what to believe or feel on the matter. I really hope healing lets me understand attraction, love, and lust....they all seem to be nuisances at the moment.

The easy answer is something like “physical attraction brings a man and woman together to reinforce their love and commitment for each other in order to stay together the rest of their lives. It is classic pair bonding”

So apparently, we have to have it.  (it = physical attraction)

But it isn't everything.

I can’t say to a girl, “hey I think you are totally attractive but I don’t especially love your personality. But that doesn't matter as much because you’re so fine, I’m never going to find anyone better.’

I can’t say to a girl, “hey, I think you’re amazing. I like everything about you. I’m not really attracted to you but that’s okay because when were old and wrinkled, only personality will matter anyway.”

Honestly, does a girl want to hear either?  NO.

So why am I so wired to crave girls???  I think I’m not the first addict guy to just want to turn the switch off altogether.  I have had intense moments where I would pray fervently to God that I could just be done.  I know I have asked God that I could just not be sexually attracted to women and somehow get married. Sex is optional anyway, right? It really isn't that important.  Everyone seems to butcher it anyway.  Which to an addict doesn't make sense, but mechanically sex is pretty straightforward.

But when I’m talking about this intense attraction for women, I’m not even referring to it sexually.  

Why did God make it so powerful in us?? 

If you read anything about the brain, men’s brains actually start to stop functioning properly when we get enough ‘sexual’ chemicals going through…and its worse for addict brains.  We have pretty much destroyed those pleasure centers.  It takes hardly anything to set it off.

Also, I’ve heard from Presidents of the Church (and I don’t have sources or quotes) say that this attraction was necessary to get men to take on the responsibility of marriage and family.  My dad has said the same to me a lot as well. In fact, my mom agrees to that.

Is it that women are so hard to deal with and family so exhausting that God had to do something about??  It almost seems like he had to wire our brains and physical make-up to crave that??  

Well, I think the sexual drive is a freaking pain.

Right now as I’m doing my best to go through ‘recovery’ and meetings as often as I can and controlling my thoughts and praying and surrendering and staying out of relationships….I’m even more wired it seems.

Everyone says during the first months of sobriety…the body experiences withdrawals.  I’m still in that.  My dreams are messed up.  Cravings and bad thoughts enter my system at random all the time.

Anytime I see a pretty girl and she gets too close, I feel an allergic reaction.  Honestly, I have to simply avoid any attractive girl.  It does something to me. And makes me behave differently. Maybe I just don’t like the control it has over me. I don’t.  Bloody. I feel so powerless against the craving.  It takes a lot of energy to keep it in check.

And even when you get married, you still have to control it and keep it in check.  I sure hope it gets easier because this will be difficult to maintain the rest of my life.  I’d rather just get some sort of surgery and eliminate it from my system altogether.

Staying sober all week. Not much but I’m doing this. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and just sigh. So much work to do. So much in life to accomplish.

Somehow they say I can be loved now….I still feel like I am trying to earn it. I’ve gotta get all sobered up first. All changed first….then I will be able to get love and all that jazz.

New week checkin.

Now I know most people consider Sunday to be the first day of the week, but it is the last one for me.  Monday is what starts the week.

I had a really good last week. I stayed on top of all triggers and temptations the whole week.  For the battle is not against porn and MB…it all starts with emotions and with lust.

This has been a huge revelation for me.  The more I stay connected with God and with my support, the sooner I can deal with things when they come up.

Here are some examples:

I had to go into work on Friday (my day off) to wrap up things that I decided to postpone Thursday evening so I could attend an SA meeting.  I texted 4 other guys of when I started and checked in every 30 minutes until I finished. I stayed on task and did not take a single lust hit.

I like to swim laps at the pool. For the most part, I don’t have troubles there.  Friday afternoon, I get into the lane and the girl in the next lane pops out of the water after swimming a lap. Now she wasn’t wearing an immodest swimsuit. She looked like a nice girl. But yes, she was very attractive. I acknowledged that. And turned away and prayed for the girl best I could. And yes, I was tempted to look again. It was super hard. She even looked in my direction a couple of times. I even thought of ways to talk to her. But I had to let those go as well.  Even while I was swimming across I could see her, while taking breaths, of her walking toward the locker room. I literally had to switch to breathing on the other side.  I prayed and prayed. And had to stop at the end of the pool with my back to her to until I felt she was gone.  This is how I have to handle situations.

Saturday afternoon, I wanted to watch some NFL playoffs (great games btw!). I was alone. My roommate was in his room with a girl (that is a dicey situation….)  So I texted the same guys and told them I’d be watching TV alone. Again, I kept it to the channel and looked away on commercials that were bad.  Honestly, that was probably breaking boundaries, but I didn’t take a single lust hit.

All in all….i’m working recovery. For real this time.  I finished my first step inventory.  I wrote over 50 pages worth in the past 3 weeks.  I have not missed a single day of writing since Christmas.  I’m doing what my sponsor recommends and I contact him daily.  I all was able to attend recovery meetings on Monday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.

I have therapy this afternoon. And I’m actually excited for it.  I’m anxious to get this sick thinking out. I’m tired of being damaged. I’m tired of being wired wrong.

Recovery is exhausting but it has to be done.

I heard a good line recently, “I have to chase recovery like I chase my addiction.”

Welcome the New Year!

Well, it has been awhile.  I certainly haven’t been checking blogs much in the past 3 weeks.  The past 3 weeks have been a roller coaster for me.  But don’t we pay big money to go ride roller coasters??

I had another break down this past weekend.  After the finals week fiasco, I got back on track and was sober 15 days.  Not much time for sure, but it was a big deal for me.

 I made it through the holidays as well.  What I’ve been doing is working on the 12-steps with a sponsor.  One of my dailies is to work on a step and write in my journal every day.  I have not missed in the past few weeks.  This amounts to a lot of writing. Still going through my sexual history in terms of powerlessness and unmanageability. It is rough writing this stuff out.  You look at the record and think to yourself, “Wow, didn’t I do anything else but search for porn and masturbate??”  It is quite depressing.  But I suppose that is the idea. It is to deflate your ego. It is meant to bring you to a place where you wholeheartedly accept that you have a serious illness and disease.  This is strangling every aspect of my life.  It is controlling ME. Ruining ME.

I have had some revelations of late.  I’m beginning to see more and more the role of lust and of the devil himself.  Love is the greatest attribute of God. Lust is the greatest (worst?) attribute of the devil.  He is cunning and baffling.  Let us just realize this.  We aren’t dealing with an amateur here. In fact, he is stronger than me.  You may all disagree but Warrior vs Satan tete a tete, he will win.  This is important for me to realize. If I get full of ideas that I can battle lust or take a little lust into my system,  I will lose, give into apathy, and act out sexually.  If I don’t believe that….then I need to look at my sexual history.  Time and time and time and time again under every condition…I lose.

So basically, I can’t take one ounce of lust into my system.  It is like a poison.  If I were to swallow a little bit of poison, even 1 ounces, how long would I wait to address it??  Days? Hours??  HECK NO!!  seconds!!  That is how I have to react.

Step Into Action book says that lust ALWAYS produces a negative result.  Not occasionally. Not ‘only if I don’t get caught.’  It will bring bad results. I will be sick. I will be damaged.

I am continuing to be hopeful because I have a lot of tools at my disposal and I have great support.  I have a lot of guys on my team who care and worry if I don’t connect after a day.  There are about 5 people that I check in with DAILY.  I have to do this.  It is part of my program of recovery.

Also, I SOLD MY LAPTOP YESTERDAY!!!  I was so dang excited to get rid of it.  I can’t express of much of a relief that is.  It was a portal to hell.  Yes, it let in demons all day long. Straight into my bedroom.  Now my room can be a place of prayer and worship. My sanctuary where I read scriptures, write thoughts, and receive revelation.  I am thinking of dedicating my room.

Anyway, I have such a long way to go. But I will go that long way. And I will go through any lengths.

And I’m feeling much more okay about letting go of dating and wanting to be in a relationship. All I need to do is read a few of the women’s blogs and get the reminder of the damage this addiction does.

One day at a time.  I can stay sober today. I have to do what is required and God will do the rest.