The power of support

ahh.... the past few days have been rough. 

I've battling everything.  It seems everything is a trigger and there is no time to relax.  I have so much in life to do.  Honestly I set it up that way.

I don't have much to post.  I wrote some friends emails yesterday that dumped all my angers and frustrations. I don't like to put them here. I wrote some pretty intense things.

This morning I decided that I didn't want to go the whole day without plenty of support.

I texted 16 guys that i know saying that I am feeling weak and that I need support today.
I got two calls without minutes and 3 other people texted back asking how I am specifically feeling, what is triggering me, and also good advice.

This is the difference between a day with no objective excpet to get through it (which can often mean mindless web searching, lusting on facebook, you name it)  versus a day where I actually win and stay productive.

One guy recommended writing out things i'm grateful for. here's what I texted him:

• I'm grateful for my support team
• I'm grateful for the people who care and can relate to me
• i'm grateful for my job. It pays well and my coworkers are all awesome. (all of them)
• i'm grateful to be 100% debt-free
• I'm grateful to be in good health.  (I have amazing endurance and strength too)
• I'm grateful I have somewhere to turn to when in hard times. I don't have to suffer alone now.
• I'm grateful for my knowledge of the gospel and of the plan of salvation.
• I'm grafeful for God, for Christ, and also for the peace/strength the holy ghost brings.
• I'm grateful to have a sound mind and some level of intelligence. (addiction makes me insane though)
• I'm grateful I am at least willing to admit defeat and reach out to others.  (I am not ashamed to tell another man exactly what I am feeling and also exactly what kind of crap I've gotten into)
• I'm grateful that the sun is out (Utah is still bloody cold, but the sun is OUT)

That's all I have.  I am addicted. so utterly addicted. But I see this as a larger war.  If this takes the rest of my life....I will conquer. I will let God mold me into something great.  My goal is exaltation in the next life. However long that takes.  Whatever the cost.

I am going to continue to reach out all day long.  My expiration date is like 1 hour right now. Today is going to be a Gettysburg for me.

Letting go. Letting God

So I have enjoyed the past week and weekend.  I am not cured. I am still an addict.  But I survived every attack that came up.  It was not a battleless week.  In fact, it was riddled with triggers/temptations.

Here is my new saying for things that come up:

I CAN'T HANDLE IT.

i was watching TV the other day with a roommate. A bit of MMA (mixed martial arts). It is senseless fighting. But entertaining. (i grew up wrestling and fighting with brothers).  Then after the first round, a hot girl holding up a sign comes out. Oh goodie... My gut sinks.  Then the round goes on.  I knew she'd be back at the end of the round.  I debated whether I could just look away. I'm watching MMA not porn!!

But alas, I can't handle it.  I turned it off and went to bed.

On my drive home from St. George last night, I was feeling especially alone.  I drove past a couple of places that reminded me of the trip I did with my girlfriend last Fall.  I reminisced on how nice it was to drive with someone.  And hold her hand while we drove through the night.  It got me emotional. Then my mind started day dreaming about my next relationship and how things would go. And about getting married. Then my mind wanted to day dream about marital intimacy....

I had to let that go too. I can't handle it.  I can't handle even think about it. I just can't.

I also managed to attend a meeting Tues night, Wednesday morning, Thursday afternoon, and Friday at noon.  I didn't make it to one on Saturday or Sunday evening (And I was driving back last evening).  So I am going to need to catch up.  I think I may need to implement more phone meetings to stay on pace for 90 in 90.  I am now 7 of 10.


Another note, I have been really wanting to get back into dating. I drove down with a girl from my singles ward and ended up spending Saturday evening with her.  But I come back and read the blogs and I remind myself of why I need to be single right now and of my goal to get some recovery first.  I still feel in my heart that I need this break.  i need to be able to do recovery alone. For me. For my mortal life (and for my eternal life).

One day at a time. I let go of my will and I let God. If I can't handle it, i trust that He can.

More meetings

I feel at peace today. I don't feel a tremendous amounts of stress.  I am letting go of my fierce grip on life.

Harsh realization yesterday. I had a good chat with my sponsor (funny how he tells me that he can't sponsor right now and needs to focus on his own healing, but still dishes out great advice)

I live a busy life. I try to. I plan it that way.  I work four 10 hour days. On the of days I am busy morning to night.  I accomplish alot usually.  But why?? Why do i overload myself??

Am i avoiding?? I think i might be.

If I take away all the things i DO and think about what the bare Warrior looks like....it isn't much. I am anxious, fearful, and lonely.  I don't have the best self-love.  I don't do well with down time.

Thus the need for more meetings.

I went to a meeting last night instead of going to my institute class. I even go with a friend. I had to text her and say i wouldn't make it. But institute??  That is a GOOD activity, but I felt strongly impressed to let go of my will and go to a meeting.

I had a thought about that today. I went to a 6 am meeting this morning and was heading to work after. This huge amount of meetings and recovery work for me is like boot camp.  What is the role of boot camp????  It is like a shock treatment.  You are pounded into submission. They make you run, get up early, work, work work.  The objective is to pound the ego out of you.

Well, I am letting 12-step meetings pound the ego out of me. I need it all out. I am taking step 1 like I never have before.  I give up!!  I surrender!!  I want to become a true Warrior in God's army....so I continue my boot camp training!

And in so doing....becoming a little child. I am a helpless baby against the addiction.  Just like a baby needs constant help and support....so do I. But that's okay.

Meetings Meetings Meetings

Good grief it seems there are so many blogs to keep up with.  I don't know if i will be able to today. 

So i have begun my 90 meetings in 90 days.  This is going to be tricky.  i don't know if I am going to quite get that many.  I think I will attempt to make recovery and working the program top priority for me.  This week was a challenging one.

I went to an Al-anon meeting tuesday night. Kinda random. It's the meeting for those persons affected by another's alcoholic problems. It was mostly women. I did feel kinda uncomfortable. but i must say that it was much more entertaining than any SA meeting i know! These women were cracking jokes left and right. There were a handful in there that looked like they were still really struggling, but what a great way to get healing. God intended it to be that way....as a group, as a quorum, as a ward....as a family.

Wednesday I tried hitting up a spanish AA meeting during my lunch break. I drove out to it but it was closed. blast. they need to change what the website says.

Thursday night is my usual SA meeting. I hate missing this one.  I know everyone there and there is a tight fellowship there. These are the guys i have been to war with. Some have not survived over the past year but we still keep an eye on each other. Well, I had to work late trying to finish somehting up.  i didn't finish until 650 (meeting is at 7).  i was drivng downtown and expecting to arrive maybe 15 minutes late when a friend calls.  He just missed trax to catch the train going home. So I offered to take him home. He lives near my parents so i stopped by. All my siblings had school and went to bed early. But I was up until 2 am chatting with mom. Mostly just listening to her.  It's tough getting the 'You need more faith to get married. You need to make it priority.  This doesn't have to do with your addiction does it??"  

You know....that doesn't help much. It depresses me. I keep boundaries with my mom. It really isn't productive to discuss my struggles or my recovery with her. Frankly, she doesn't think i need meetings or therapy..  Just faith and more willpower.  :(

But she did dump on me a bit about my dad's addiction and how horribly it crushed her. They are doing much better now. More of a real couple which i really like seeing.  That's why I understand the women's side of the story.  I grew up with it.  It was screaming and yelling and punching of walls all through junionr high and high school.  My mom asked for a divorce 4 times.  They lived apart for a few months.  they lived in separate bedrooms for a long time. That's just how it was.  It took my mom 10 YEARS to let it go.  And the steps that the women take....she had to do. And she didn't go to meetings or get help.  My dad did a bit. I still don't know how good his recovery even is.

She got to the point where she gave up. Where she gave it all to God. And she hated God for a long time, bc he was a man. just like my dad just like her dad who was emotinally abusive as well.  this is intense stuff. It certainly isn't easy. I still don't know if she is fully healed. She holds on to a lot of baggage still. It's tough letting that all go. It really is.

Well, on Friday I made it to an AA meeting during the day. Mixed group. Some of the guys looked homeless but they had some powerful things to say.  We talked about step 1.  I left feeling very empowered.
Friday evening i tried going to another group meeting.  I thought it was at 7 but alas it was at 6.  I arrived as the guys were all leaving.  Dang. At least I tried.  Saturday was my usual morning meeting.  It was really good. I got a few numbers of guys to call to be my sponsor.  There really aren't too many who listed next to their name that they are willing to do so.

But church was solid today.  i connected with people.  I survived some nasty attacks Saturday night.  It took everything in me to survive the night.  this addiction is exhausting but i am so glad that I did because  I felt the spirit strongly in all the meetings and also in sacrament, unlike last week. I wa salso  able to chat with some new guys and also a girl during the mingle..   I even got her number.  I don't think I can stop all socializing. I am a social guy when I want to be.  i like people.  I like going to meetings now.  I don't even care if i don't know anyone.  I like to connect with others and I really need it.  I had a good chat with the bishop today as well.  He is not pounding me into the ground.  he wants to help. He is a good bishop.  he actually wants to see me date more but I'm uneasy about getting more involved in that. Relationships are emotionally taxing for me.  I would rather it not be that way.  but for the time being I am not in the most stable of places.  I will be. All in good time.

How to help an addict??

I just read a great post yesterday that really hit home for me. 

Yes, I know that other people can't fix me.
Yes, I know that this is my burden to carry.
Yes, I know that only God can heal me.

But let's face it, people are in our lives!!  I have tried for years to keep people OUT!  I am rubbish at getting close to people.  I very much identify with Jason Bourne or those agents that live alone and live their secret lives, but are tough and skilled.  I've never been accustomed to sharing anything with anyone. Not even with my family. How could I?  I am regarded as one of the more spiritual people in my family. I love to study gospel principles and go to institute. I take a notebook whereever I go....and take meticulous notes and comment in class incessantly. My mom used to get PISSED every time I would share about addiction or recovery....and she wonders why I rarely have a desire to call her.

But dang it...we need help!!  We addicts are bleeding. All over the floor. And occasionally we vomit. And vomit and bleed on other people too. That's what hurts the most. That's why we don't want you to help us!! That's why we lie.  If you come get too close, we are going to spill crap on you.

Now I can't speak for the unwilling and the proud.  To be honest, I get pissed hearing about the husbands that just don't get it. Who don't do anything. Who think "they have it under control" without doing anything. That is freaking bull#@!  I don't know what to do with those men (Personally I would like to punch them in the head....Sometimes a man needs a good whooping)

I think it'd be good to read Jeff's post. This is good stuff.

Yes, I know. I know. Don't enable. Yes, I am not an expert on codependency and boundaries. I'm not married. Good grief.  But I'll tell you what....sometimes as an addict, it bloody hurts. And sometimes I feel so much pain and frustration that all I want to do scream and punch holes in the wall.  I felt that way Sunday night.

We have to be able to share. We have to get this stuff out. We have to learn to state EXACTLY how we are feeling. I made 3 calls last night. I called a guy who doesn't have much sobriety. He makes me laugh though. I called my sponsor whom I relate with REALLY well. Besides my support group from my meeting (whom I am way close with now) and this silly blog....WHO ELSE? The bishop perhaps?

I'm going to put more of my life to recovery. I'm done. I'm tired of trying to run a life while being so addicted. I'm going to start going to some sort of group meeting every day if I can. "90 in 90" is the old adage. Why not?? Why not do it??  What is 3 months of my life??  Why not devote it entirely to recovery?? 3 months could shape the next 50 years.  Don't we see that??

Even if I have to suffer for the next 3 years straight......suppose I build a solid recovery/sobriety/change of heart/change of life/humility/love FOR THE NEXT 50 YEARS!!

Seems worth it to me.....

No title

I need to just write.  I don't know exactly what my goal for this blog is.  Do I seek validation from everyone else?? Do I want people to pity me or tell me what superb ideas I have?

I had a harsh realization last night of how sick I am.  I feel sick. I am not in a good place right now. I am so completely addicted to this.  So it is helpful to see the addict's viewpoint, huh??  I'm going to be cynical in this post. Maybe if I write long enough I'll feel better. Another rock bottom?? Maybe I'll just stay at the bottom. The fall isn't as far...

I crashed end of last week (Thurday through Saturday). And Sunday night was debilitating. God gave me a severe rebuking and chastening.  I suppose he does that because he loves me.

I don't want to write the details. I'm too embarrassed about it. But it involves handling a situation poorly.

Bottom line is that I lose my motivation. Why?? Why lose the desire to fight?? How can indulging in the addiction be any better???  It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't. Holy crap i am SOOOO glad I'm single. I couldn't imagine having to drag a wife through this....simply unfathomable. 

My mind is so sick. It is just diseased.  I feel right now that I am a terminal cancer patient with about 5% chance of surviving.

What would you do if you found out you had a disease that you might not survive?? What do you do with your life??  Go sky diving? Go drink beer for the first time?

Now...I know what recovery teaches....that I can overcome through the almighty atonement. My relationship with God isn't solid right now either I am realizing. I am not sure what he is supposed to do for me. What do you ask God in these hard times??  Take it away?? (He doesn't want to do that....I need to learn my lesson)  Make me happy?? (But my free agency is a big roadblock to that.)

It seems like I am the road block. I have defects and frustrations and apathies.

I'm tired. I'm physically exhausted too.  I don't care one way or the other right now.

So i decided to read some past posts....at some point I was doing well. What was I doing?? My reasons to fight....are they still there??  I can't give up. I can't.  It is my mortal purpose. I want to be able to love and serve people. I want to be more spiritual. I want to be temple worthy.

My biggest road block right now....I don't feel I can be loved. I can't visualize or comprehend how I am going to pull off being happily married.  Or married at all.  I can't even manage normal relationships with girls. I blunder them all.  I can play the role of friend and 'big brother.'  It's all I can manage. I can't believe I managed a 8 month relationship earlier....and the girl wanted to MARRY ME!!  good grief!!!

I don't even know if I have enough strength to stay sober for the next 5 hours. I want to go home right now and go to bed. The battle resumes tomorrow. There is no break. The war is upon me. Day in and day out.  The only thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel completely is because there are men out there who have gained sobriety.  I'm getting a new sponsor this Saturday. I'm on the hunt!!! I need it...or I will die. I need a coach.