I need to just write. I don't know exactly what my goal for this blog is. Do I seek validation from everyone else?? Do I want people to pity me or tell me what superb ideas I have?
I had a harsh realization last night of how sick I am. I feel sick. I am not in a good place right now. I am so completely addicted to this. So it is helpful to see the addict's viewpoint, huh?? I'm going to be cynical in this post. Maybe if I write long enough I'll feel better. Another rock bottom?? Maybe I'll just stay at the bottom. The fall isn't as far...
I crashed end of last week (Thurday through Saturday). And Sunday night was debilitating. God gave me a severe rebuking and chastening. I suppose he does that because he loves me.
I don't want to write the details. I'm too embarrassed about it. But it involves handling a situation poorly.
Bottom line is that I lose my motivation. Why?? Why lose the desire to fight?? How can indulging in the addiction be any better??? It doesn't make any sense. It doesn't. Holy crap i am SOOOO glad I'm single. I couldn't imagine having to drag a wife through this....simply unfathomable.
My mind is so sick. It is just diseased. I feel right now that I am a terminal cancer patient with about 5% chance of surviving.
What would you do if you found out you had a disease that you might not survive?? What do you do with your life?? Go sky diving? Go drink beer for the first time?
Now...I know what recovery teaches....that I can overcome through the almighty atonement. My relationship with God isn't solid right now either I am realizing. I am not sure what he is supposed to do for me. What do you ask God in these hard times?? Take it away?? (He doesn't want to do that....I need to learn my lesson) Make me happy?? (But my free agency is a big roadblock to that.)
It seems like I am the road block. I have defects and frustrations and apathies.
I'm tired. I'm physically exhausted too. I don't care one way or the other right now.
So i decided to read some past posts....at some point I was doing well. What was I doing?? My reasons to fight....are they still there?? I can't give up. I can't. It is my mortal purpose. I want to be able to love and serve people. I want to be more spiritual. I want to be temple worthy.
My biggest road block right now....I don't feel I can be loved. I can't visualize or comprehend how I am going to pull off being happily married. Or married at all. I can't even manage normal relationships with girls. I blunder them all. I can play the role of friend and 'big brother.' It's all I can manage. I can't believe I managed a 8 month relationship earlier....and the girl wanted to MARRY ME!! good grief!!!
I don't even know if I have enough strength to stay sober for the next 5 hours. I want to go home right now and go to bed. The battle resumes tomorrow. There is no break. The war is upon me. Day in and day out. The only thing that keeps me from throwing in the towel completely is because there are men out there who have gained sobriety. I'm getting a new sponsor this Saturday. I'm on the hunt!!! I need it...or I will die. I need a coach.
Somedays I believe that God blesses us because in the midst of what seems like a losing battle we continue to WANT to fight. And the darker our nights, the more gratitude we will have for the sunrise. Some nights that's all we can do is pray for the sunrise.
ReplyDeleteoh man, you are truly a warrior! I know this place you are in. How very often I lingered there myself. Or, rather, in a place LIKE it, as we are all different. My compassion for you right now is immense! But so is my hope. I know you will be fine because even in your lowest times, you are a fighter. Even when the Adversary sneers at you and mocks you and tells you that you will never be free, you almost believe it but YOU DON'T. You know you will conquer this. I know you will.
ReplyDeleteIt's so very difficult to break the cycle. Keep trucking, Warrior. I remember when I had a realization like yours about my blog-- Do I only do this for validation? My answer was that, yes, I SOMETIMES do it for validation and encouragement, but that is what I need sometimes, and there is no shame in reaching out for help when you need it, when you can't do it alone. But I also realized that, for the most part, my biggest purpose is to help others, if only to help them realize they are not alone.
Anyway, your blog is one of my favorites- easily top three. So I hope you never stop writing. You're inspiring to me.
Keep praying, keep reading the scriptures, keep thinking, keep repenting, and you'll be okay. And in the words of Journey, Don't stop believin'! :)
Dude. You got this.
I feel so much compassion and respect for you. I think your honesty alone is so refreshing. Have you really always been this painfully honest with yourself? I doubt it. You may feel like you are losing, but can't you see how far you have come?!
ReplyDeleteOne day at a time, just like the rest of us. Breathe, just breathe.
And, like Erin says, even in your lowest times, I can feel your strength and the strength of the Savior urging you on to keep fighting.
Dang thanks for the comments everyone. Seriously, it actually does make me feel alot better. And yes, Erin, I think I do seek the validation. So as I was leaving work I made a few phone calls to guys in the group. They ask me, "How you doing?" And I say, "pretty crappy. Not well at all." I've learned to just be real with myself. I'm tired of stuffing emotions...that's what I resort to my drug anyway. I chatted with my sponsor for 45 minutes. I'm going to get a new one bc my current one is going through some serious therapy but he still gave me some great advice. I stayed sober last night!
ReplyDeleteI feel okay this morning. Not great. Not 100% But I have so much support. I feel so good about it. I die without support. It literally is survival for me right now.
Also, my sponsor admitted that it took him YEARS to finally get to the point where it clicked and I could stay sober. It's hard to see it in the midst of the constant struggles but somehow maybe I am progressing. Maybe my will and my ego are slowly being beaten out of me.
Like Michelle said....one day at a time!
ReplyDeleteAlso in response to this..."I am not sure what he is supposed to do for me. What do you ask God in these hard times?? Take it away??"
There are times that He can and will take it away. But I have found that if I ask Him for the strength to make it through that moment He ALWAYS gives me the strength to do it. I know that He can do the same for you.
You can do this!
Sometimes it feels like we are just checking in with God, the same way I'd want my kids to check in with me "hey, I'm here, I'm struggling...." And when they are ready I will talk to them. When I check in with God he usually sends me a ray of peace, even if just a moment, and I know he is there. And when I am ready he's ready to talk again. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure out how to tune in just right so I can hear him.
ReplyDelete