This seems to be a common question. MM (Michelle I guess) asked me in a comment and also to Dan's blog
How do we know we are sick?? Does it require a rock bottom?? Why do we go to SA or group at all??
I've been to probably a 100 12-step meetings. I would have to say that, yes, 95% (or higher) of everyone there is because they have hit some sort of rock bottom. I define 'rock bottom' from my own experience; when you realize that you are stumped, have some sort of problem bigger than you, and you've got people in your life who are not okay with it.
The White Book admits that many of us came to SA/PASG with not the best of motives. Sometimes we show up bc the wife caught us for the 3rd time, caught us in our lies....and we wanted to impress her. Maybe we were tired of every relationship failing (my story). Maybe we know that porn is 'wrong' and that the Prophets have condemned it at every Priesthood session since we were teenagers (also my story). Maybe we are just miserable b/c porn takes away the spirit and happiness completely.
This is certainly good and all in the beginning. I guess just showing up is better than not. Just going to a meeting is a form of surrender. And a form of humility.
But for me, to really, REALLY get to the point where you know that you are an addict and that you truly are powerless over lust is the point where you can properly do the rest of the steps. And I need to remember this daily. The moment I lose sight of that and try to control/manage my life is when I get into trouble.
I started working with a sponsor March 2012. It was then that I dived into what being an addict really meant. I had been going on and off to PASG or other SA groups before with little success. Like what Dan did, it is very helpful to write a "First Step Inventory." It is where you lay out the facts. You write out your behavior patterns, where you started, what lines you crossed. Here is a link on doing one but I HIGHLY recommend doing one with a sponsor.
I wrote it and intellectually it made sense. Yeah, I have an issue. Yes, I've crossed lots of lines. Yes, my life is unmanageable. It was clearly laid out before me and to my group. But even then, I had to go through a series of rock bottoms and hitting walls before that sunk in. I can't coast on a meeting I went to weeks ago. I can't pray on Sunday and have strength on Wednesday. I only get a day of reprieve. My shower 4 days ago doesn't keep me smelling good today.
I would have to say that I have been going through rock bottoms and pain ALOT more lately. However, I now desire recovery for ME! Not just for someone else. I can isolate. I can "not tell anyone." Who is going to know?? But I give up. I have fully accepted being an addict and powerless against lust. It is a DAILY struggle right now....I'm detoxing from a chemical addiction. Powerlessness is NOT hopelessness. Babies can't pick up their heads....are they doomed to be helpless the rest of their lives?? NO!
Can someone come to this conclusion without some sort of pain??
I don't know. Maybe. Technically, you can go in for cancer treatments BEFORE you have cancer. You should get your colon checked whether you are sick or not. Sadly, most people only go in for help/treatments when the symptons hit the surface. Addiction seems to be the same way. Many of us were addicts for years before we even knew anything about addiction. We were addicted before we were even dating girls.
Godly sorrow and pain can lead many of us to seek change. Gave gave us weaknesses to keep us dependent on him and also humble. I'm grateful for that.
Any other thoughts on the role of "rock bottoms"?? What led you to seek help and seek true, heartful recovery??
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Saturday, January 26, 2013
Step 1: Part 1
I am enjoying a bit of study right now. I've been doing SA for over two years now. but I would say that my involvement has been continuous for just over a year. We study the White Book. It is superb.
Since my last few weeks have not been the best with recovery....i'm getting back to the basics. This week has been victories across the board....but with much pain and help from above (i take little credit)
here are some killer quotes that I like:
"Our habit brought us into SA (or ARP, or whatever program), but it was working Steps 1,2,3 that brought us into the program."
As I wrote in my last post, it is all about deflation and surrender. We deflate the ego. We start to realize that we all have one thing to work on....everything.
This addiction has smashed me to rubble. I'm a 9 year old going to war with seasoned Lamanite warriors. I admit that I am powerless against them. This is our first harsh realization. And after writing my first step inventory and also on a day to day basis, I keep the thought of how quickly i can relapse and cycle downward. The knowledge keeps me humble and keeps the ego deflated.
However, the book says:
"But the feeling of powerlessness without surrender left us with no real hope."
This concept of surrender becomes a very key and vital element to recovery. The book even states" Surrender is not only the key to the 12 step program and sexual sobriety, but to a joyous and purposeful life."
So what do I do?? I GIVE UP. I LET GO. Surrender brings us hope. It lets us let out the bad.
I latch on to some much emotional baggage or false ideas. Just let them go.
Here is how I applied this twice yesterday (yes....two times in one 6 hour period):
Battle #1, around 5 pm. I was at work picking up some items i had left. I got on the computer and checked my email. I shouldn't have been on it anyway. I got majorly triggered. I wanted to open up these workout video sites that i've seen before. They link to other stuff. I wanted it so badly. I wanted to act out right then and there. No one was around. I could have "gotten it over with" in about 2 minutes.
I stopped. I closed it down. I surrendered. I was unable to battle it. I can't FIGHT it. I pleaded with God. I was filled with a divine rage....the kind of rage that propells a righteous man to fight for his families. The same rage that filled the people of Moroni in battles (I love this story....thus my name Warrior) And then i emailed a struggling friend a long email on how to stay sober.
Then i called people. i called 3 different numbers until someone answered. i explained EXACTLY what had happened. This honest self-disclosure is vital to step 1. It brings vulnerability and trust. Which is not what us addicts enjoy. We detest it. That's why we lie. Why we cover up.
I let this moment be a teaching moment that I am powerless. And that i need the support of others.
Battle #2 Hung out with some fun friends. Got home late and I was feeling good. So what do I do when I'm feeling good?? I relax a little. Take some personal time.....like watching TV!! Yay! And sure enough, i find a great show on....one that had people partying. And lots of immodest girls. And some in pretty much bikinis. SLAM! I wanted to LOSE SO BADLY. this is the honest truth. and i probably would have...but the show went to commercial. I turned that off so fast and went to my room. I had to lay on my back, arms to my side without moving and pray and pray and pray that I could just fall asleep. i gave it ALL to God. i can't handle it right now. i'm too weak.
But i survived!!!! And i woke up this morning so immensely grateful. It was worth it. It was worth letting it go. I'm a porn/lust/MB addict and I'm powerless, but I AM WORTH IT.
One freaking day at a time.....
Since my last few weeks have not been the best with recovery....i'm getting back to the basics. This week has been victories across the board....but with much pain and help from above (i take little credit)
here are some killer quotes that I like:
"Our habit brought us into SA (or ARP, or whatever program), but it was working Steps 1,2,3 that brought us into the program."
As I wrote in my last post, it is all about deflation and surrender. We deflate the ego. We start to realize that we all have one thing to work on....everything.
This addiction has smashed me to rubble. I'm a 9 year old going to war with seasoned Lamanite warriors. I admit that I am powerless against them. This is our first harsh realization. And after writing my first step inventory and also on a day to day basis, I keep the thought of how quickly i can relapse and cycle downward. The knowledge keeps me humble and keeps the ego deflated.
However, the book says:
"But the feeling of powerlessness without surrender left us with no real hope."
This concept of surrender becomes a very key and vital element to recovery. The book even states" Surrender is not only the key to the 12 step program and sexual sobriety, but to a joyous and purposeful life."
So what do I do?? I GIVE UP. I LET GO. Surrender brings us hope. It lets us let out the bad.
I latch on to some much emotional baggage or false ideas. Just let them go.
Here is how I applied this twice yesterday (yes....two times in one 6 hour period):
Battle #1, around 5 pm. I was at work picking up some items i had left. I got on the computer and checked my email. I shouldn't have been on it anyway. I got majorly triggered. I wanted to open up these workout video sites that i've seen before. They link to other stuff. I wanted it so badly. I wanted to act out right then and there. No one was around. I could have "gotten it over with" in about 2 minutes.
I stopped. I closed it down. I surrendered. I was unable to battle it. I can't FIGHT it. I pleaded with God. I was filled with a divine rage....the kind of rage that propells a righteous man to fight for his families. The same rage that filled the people of Moroni in battles (I love this story....thus my name Warrior) And then i emailed a struggling friend a long email on how to stay sober.
Then i called people. i called 3 different numbers until someone answered. i explained EXACTLY what had happened. This honest self-disclosure is vital to step 1. It brings vulnerability and trust. Which is not what us addicts enjoy. We detest it. That's why we lie. Why we cover up.
I let this moment be a teaching moment that I am powerless. And that i need the support of others.
Battle #2 Hung out with some fun friends. Got home late and I was feeling good. So what do I do when I'm feeling good?? I relax a little. Take some personal time.....like watching TV!! Yay! And sure enough, i find a great show on....one that had people partying. And lots of immodest girls. And some in pretty much bikinis. SLAM! I wanted to LOSE SO BADLY. this is the honest truth. and i probably would have...but the show went to commercial. I turned that off so fast and went to my room. I had to lay on my back, arms to my side without moving and pray and pray and pray that I could just fall asleep. i gave it ALL to God. i can't handle it right now. i'm too weak.
But i survived!!!! And i woke up this morning so immensely grateful. It was worth it. It was worth letting it go. I'm a porn/lust/MB addict and I'm powerless, but I AM WORTH IT.
One freaking day at a time.....
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Step O: Getting Started
Wow, I have been inspired today and yesterday. I don't know about y'all but i gain alot from reading all the blogs and comments out there. (even though there are millions now...) You people are all full of great thoughts and wisdom and ideas. I am so super grateful that I am bringing in all this great wisdom at my relatively young age. And also while I'm single. This is just so good.
I won't comment on it all here....I throw in my little remarks here and there....hope you all don't mind!
Addiction is selfish and sometimes my recovery can be selfish!! I call other guys all the time. I have to bother my dear bishop often. I'm super whiney and emotional at times but oh well....it's better than relapsing.
I feel like I am back at the beginning. But this time around, I see it much differently. All the steps of the program are VITAL at all times. I have been so on and off with my 4th step over the past several months. Why do we drag this thing out??? But the past 2 months, my recovery and sobriety have been garbage....so i am back to the very basics.
Step 0 is all about stopping the bleeding. It's not the real recovery work it is about just plain stopping/sobering up.
First thing that happens with an addict is waking up. "Wow, I am messed up. I need help."
That isn't so easily done. I forget, I literally forget how wrong porn addiction is. Can you believe that?? But yeah, I will get triggered and go act out and get my fix and think nothing of it....until I wake up one morning wondering why I am so miserable and why my life is so unmanageable. HAHA I am so dense sometimes.
Then...I have to get involved. I have to get out of my dang head. I have to connect with other addicts. EVEN IF MY MOTIVES ARE BAD. EVEN IF I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHY I'M DOING IT. Motives aren't the most important thing at the very beginning. We go to meetings. We just show up. Just bring the body. I make calls. I make lots of calls. I had to make about 4 calls yesterday. Just to win one blasted day. There is no room for pride in this. Pride gets you killed. Us addicts showed up to the war without our swords. Now we can try to play it cool, not tell our captains that we didn't bring our swords. We can save face. Even make excuses. But when the Lamanites are upon us....we have to confess, "I DIDN'T BRING MY SWORD! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIGHT!! PLEASE HELP!!!!"
How embarrassing. But really.....it is better than dying.
Next thing in step 0 is surrender. This may very well be the only mechanism to staying sober in the moment. All the deeper recovery work, the family origins, the emotions, the triggers list, the amends list, the fears list, the sexual harms list....ALL this comes with time. But surrender...we must learn day numero uno.
Here is what it means to me: **I GIVE UP. **
This is NOT give in. This is GIVE UP. You let go. You realize that you have no sword and the Lamanites are literally charging at your full speed. I don't even want to try and pretend I am strong enough. I will get slaughtered. Every. single. time. I can't beat lust. I just can't.
So I call someone. And tell them what i am feeling. What it is that I am being tempted with. The White Book in SA says we need to reach out and make calls even when we are feeling off or out of whack. I pray to God. I plead with Him. For what I understand, you can't wary God with prayers. You don't have a limit. Pray. Pray. Pray. Surrender to HIM!
This amounts to ALOT of phone calls. In the beginning stages, you should be making several calls a day!!
Also, when I go to meetings...I am surrending. Even if you finally found your sword, you need to go to combat school. Essentially when I go to a meeting, I am telling myself, "Ok, I'm here. I don't really know how to fight. I want to learn from those who do...."
How embarrassing. But really...it is better than dying.
And like Andrew says in a brilliant post (I mean this is a post everyone should read...not just addicts of WoPA), sex is optional. Porn is optional. Giving in to lust is optional.
In the beginning, we have to surrender. Over and over. The only way we recover is by staying sober and not dying. I have heard that phrase so many times. I don't die. I get a reprieve. Just a reprieve. Every battle is an opportunity for me to develop a better attitude. Surrender is great.
And we can only do this one moment at a time. I wish, I WISH I could jump into the future and be one of those guys with 1, 2, 5 years of sobriety. But I can't. I have to recover and stay sober one day at a time. One battle at a time. 2 years equals 730 days. 730 BATTLES!!!! are you freaking kidding me??? I'll never make it!!!!
But I don't have to fight 730 battles. I just fight one. God will not throw us battles that we can't win. He always provides the escape. If you don't believe me, read this from the good book: (1 Cor 10:13)
Surrender. Surrender. Surrender. SEVERAL times a day. And keep working the program. Get a sponsor. Getting a sponsor is the last thing mentioned in Step 0. That is the only way I have made progress. Not because the sponsor knows everything. He is just another warrior. Just another guy full of battle wounds but who has learned how to kill Lamanites and how to stay alive.
I won't comment on it all here....I throw in my little remarks here and there....hope you all don't mind!
Addiction is selfish and sometimes my recovery can be selfish!! I call other guys all the time. I have to bother my dear bishop often. I'm super whiney and emotional at times but oh well....it's better than relapsing.
I feel like I am back at the beginning. But this time around, I see it much differently. All the steps of the program are VITAL at all times. I have been so on and off with my 4th step over the past several months. Why do we drag this thing out??? But the past 2 months, my recovery and sobriety have been garbage....so i am back to the very basics.
Step 0 is all about stopping the bleeding. It's not the real recovery work it is about just plain stopping/sobering up.
First thing that happens with an addict is waking up. "Wow, I am messed up. I need help."
That isn't so easily done. I forget, I literally forget how wrong porn addiction is. Can you believe that?? But yeah, I will get triggered and go act out and get my fix and think nothing of it....until I wake up one morning wondering why I am so miserable and why my life is so unmanageable. HAHA I am so dense sometimes.
Then...I have to get involved. I have to get out of my dang head. I have to connect with other addicts. EVEN IF MY MOTIVES ARE BAD. EVEN IF I REALLY DON'T KNOW WHY I'M DOING IT. Motives aren't the most important thing at the very beginning. We go to meetings. We just show up. Just bring the body. I make calls. I make lots of calls. I had to make about 4 calls yesterday. Just to win one blasted day. There is no room for pride in this. Pride gets you killed. Us addicts showed up to the war without our swords. Now we can try to play it cool, not tell our captains that we didn't bring our swords. We can save face. Even make excuses. But when the Lamanites are upon us....we have to confess, "I DIDN'T BRING MY SWORD! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIGHT!! PLEASE HELP!!!!"
How embarrassing. But really.....it is better than dying.
Next thing in step 0 is surrender. This may very well be the only mechanism to staying sober in the moment. All the deeper recovery work, the family origins, the emotions, the triggers list, the amends list, the fears list, the sexual harms list....ALL this comes with time. But surrender...we must learn day numero uno.
Here is what it means to me: **I GIVE UP. **
This is NOT give in. This is GIVE UP. You let go. You realize that you have no sword and the Lamanites are literally charging at your full speed. I don't even want to try and pretend I am strong enough. I will get slaughtered. Every. single. time. I can't beat lust. I just can't.
So I call someone. And tell them what i am feeling. What it is that I am being tempted with. The White Book in SA says we need to reach out and make calls even when we are feeling off or out of whack. I pray to God. I plead with Him. For what I understand, you can't wary God with prayers. You don't have a limit. Pray. Pray. Pray. Surrender to HIM!
This amounts to ALOT of phone calls. In the beginning stages, you should be making several calls a day!!
Also, when I go to meetings...I am surrending. Even if you finally found your sword, you need to go to combat school. Essentially when I go to a meeting, I am telling myself, "Ok, I'm here. I don't really know how to fight. I want to learn from those who do...."
How embarrassing. But really...it is better than dying.
And like Andrew says in a brilliant post (I mean this is a post everyone should read...not just addicts of WoPA), sex is optional. Porn is optional. Giving in to lust is optional.
In the beginning, we have to surrender. Over and over. The only way we recover is by staying sober and not dying. I have heard that phrase so many times. I don't die. I get a reprieve. Just a reprieve. Every battle is an opportunity for me to develop a better attitude. Surrender is great.
And we can only do this one moment at a time. I wish, I WISH I could jump into the future and be one of those guys with 1, 2, 5 years of sobriety. But I can't. I have to recover and stay sober one day at a time. One battle at a time. 2 years equals 730 days. 730 BATTLES!!!! are you freaking kidding me??? I'll never make it!!!!
But I don't have to fight 730 battles. I just fight one. God will not throw us battles that we can't win. He always provides the escape. If you don't believe me, read this from the good book: (1 Cor 10:13)
There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
Surrender. Surrender. Surrender. SEVERAL times a day. And keep working the program. Get a sponsor. Getting a sponsor is the last thing mentioned in Step 0. That is the only way I have made progress. Not because the sponsor knows everything. He is just another warrior. Just another guy full of battle wounds but who has learned how to kill Lamanites and how to stay alive.
Monday, January 14, 2013
New beginnings...
Wow, what a weekend. I don't know how much i want to say in this post but today is a new day. Today is a new week. Today is a new chapter in my recovery.
I had a long heartfelt chat with the girl that I had been 'non-dating' yet dating. I know I talk incessantly about this but this is a very big break through. I am officially officially on a dating break.....FINALLY! I am addicted to the 'chase'. I think it is fun. And interestingly enough, I don't chase girls or try to date them to get action or to make out with them. That creates too many problems, too many emotional attachments (addicts HATE attachments....we need to lurk in the shadows) It is more the obsession. I am addicted to lust and ALSO, (as my sponsor as pointed out) addicted to being lusted after.
This may have not been a good thing to do to a dear soul...but I ended up telling her exactly why i can't date (or better yet....why i am incapable of having a real relationship) right now. I told her about the addiction. I fully intended not to bring it up, but in the moment it spilled out of my mouth. It was insanely hard. My heart was pounding. She didn't ask for it, but I gave her a good eye opening. She told me that later.
Even then, she didn't quite get it. She understands we all struggle. She knows guys have to deal with it. I think LDS girls are starting to realize it more and more. What they don't know is how devastating it is to relationships and marriages (unless of course they go through all that.)
I don't know what good any of this did to the girl. She doesn't hate me. She is going to emotionally attach with a better understanding. She was sad and angry. Not at me per se. But at this world of addiction in general. It is frustrating and sad. So many men, so many good men are losing this battle. Satan is wreaking havoc on us.
But I don't let it bother me. I choose to not let it bother me. I may be a complete addict. I may be incapable of having a relationship or experiencing love.....BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THE REST OF MY LIFE!! I used to feel that way. That I was going to have to be single, b/c addiction was impossible to beat. I got that hopeless.
So for now...I let go of any future expectations. I have no timetable. I have no "after 3 months or 2 months or X months, I will be ready...." I will pursure a positive, service filled life of recovery. My own recovery. I do this for me and indirectly for everyone else in my life. But I do so with no distractions. Like Nate posted, I have paid the price of this addiction. I don't really understand love. I don't even know how to feel it. But i'm getting better.
I'll continue humbly and faithfully and hopefully for as long as it takes. I trust with all my heart that God will let me know when I am ready to pursue relationships again. I'll be in a much better place then.
I had a long heartfelt chat with the girl that I had been 'non-dating' yet dating. I know I talk incessantly about this but this is a very big break through. I am officially officially on a dating break.....FINALLY! I am addicted to the 'chase'. I think it is fun. And interestingly enough, I don't chase girls or try to date them to get action or to make out with them. That creates too many problems, too many emotional attachments (addicts HATE attachments....we need to lurk in the shadows) It is more the obsession. I am addicted to lust and ALSO, (as my sponsor as pointed out) addicted to being lusted after.
This may have not been a good thing to do to a dear soul...but I ended up telling her exactly why i can't date (or better yet....why i am incapable of having a real relationship) right now. I told her about the addiction. I fully intended not to bring it up, but in the moment it spilled out of my mouth. It was insanely hard. My heart was pounding. She didn't ask for it, but I gave her a good eye opening. She told me that later.
Even then, she didn't quite get it. She understands we all struggle. She knows guys have to deal with it. I think LDS girls are starting to realize it more and more. What they don't know is how devastating it is to relationships and marriages (unless of course they go through all that.)
I don't know what good any of this did to the girl. She doesn't hate me. She is going to emotionally attach with a better understanding. She was sad and angry. Not at me per se. But at this world of addiction in general. It is frustrating and sad. So many men, so many good men are losing this battle. Satan is wreaking havoc on us.
But I don't let it bother me. I choose to not let it bother me. I may be a complete addict. I may be incapable of having a relationship or experiencing love.....BUT IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE THE REST OF MY LIFE!! I used to feel that way. That I was going to have to be single, b/c addiction was impossible to beat. I got that hopeless.
So for now...I let go of any future expectations. I have no timetable. I have no "after 3 months or 2 months or X months, I will be ready...." I will pursure a positive, service filled life of recovery. My own recovery. I do this for me and indirectly for everyone else in my life. But I do so with no distractions. Like Nate posted, I have paid the price of this addiction. I don't really understand love. I don't even know how to feel it. But i'm getting better.
I'll continue humbly and faithfully and hopefully for as long as it takes. I trust with all my heart that God will let me know when I am ready to pursue relationships again. I'll be in a much better place then.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Surrender
Another dump. I surrender. I surrender all my lust. All my cravings. All my obsessions. All my negative emotions.
I give them all to God. Relax. Easy does it.
I surrender my control. My fear of the future. My worry of the future. My shame and guilt of the past.
I release it. I squeeze my hand and then open it. I let it go.
I surrender my frustrations. My overly high expectations for myself. My anger to those who have wronged me. My hatred towards anything that attracts me.
Breathe.
I will persevere as Chris posts. I may be entirely weak against lust and porn and any form of acting out. I may be wholly addicted. But I have to fight. Not to fight against the lust. I can't fight it and win. I can't win toe to toe. It's like being in the ring with an MMA champ....i will get pummeled. I will let it pass. Someone else (infinite and all-loving God) can do the fighting for me. I am too weak right now.
I desire freedom and peace. I trust...even just a little bit....that I will receive. In fact, I feel it now after righting this. I've been beaten to the floor.
Is there no other way for God to have our hearts and souls???
I give them all to God. Relax. Easy does it.
I surrender my control. My fear of the future. My worry of the future. My shame and guilt of the past.
I release it. I squeeze my hand and then open it. I let it go.
I surrender my frustrations. My overly high expectations for myself. My anger to those who have wronged me. My hatred towards anything that attracts me.
Breathe.
I will persevere as Chris posts. I may be entirely weak against lust and porn and any form of acting out. I may be wholly addicted. But I have to fight. Not to fight against the lust. I can't fight it and win. I can't win toe to toe. It's like being in the ring with an MMA champ....i will get pummeled. I will let it pass. Someone else (infinite and all-loving God) can do the fighting for me. I am too weak right now.
I desire freedom and peace. I trust...even just a little bit....that I will receive. In fact, I feel it now after righting this. I've been beaten to the floor.
Is there no other way for God to have our hearts and souls???
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
dump
I hate trying to come up with fancy titles sometimes. I need to dump. I think it's interesting how we all seem to put at the beginning of a rough post...."i am just saying what's on my mind. This is just a dump." because we need to realize that we aren't what we write. Well, none of you know who i am so you are welcome to judge and consider me a basket case, bc frankly, in all due respect,...i am. :)
I must say that I don't like dealing with emotions. I will admit that I am moody. I am up and down. I like the world to make SENSE. I like to tackle life logically and systematically. I am a fierce competitor. I don't like uncertainty. I like things to be more black and white.
I hate this addiction. I HATE IT. I just want to say it. It has freaking messed up all my emotions and my brain. I hate that I am so attracted to pornography. And when I say pornography...it can be anything. I don't know what people think... that all it is all hardcore porn or nudity. i can lose my mind over just a cute girl walking by. I get destroyed by girl's profiles on facebook (which i have deactivated...huge relief!!) The triggers are endless!!
And to top it off....all the emotions!! I can't handle being: tired, bored, apathetic, hurt, rejected, even intense happiness or relief. it seems my whole body wants to act out every time life gets dicey. I get so frustrated sometimes that I want to shoot lighting bolts and fire out of my head and arms. Kinda like Hades on Hercules...
I am tired of it. I am so powerless over the forces of lust. All i can do is cast the devils out (which i do frequently) and bring it to light.
All I have sometimes is to pray. Is to plead with my unseen God. He is there. He has to be!! He has really helped me. I feel a real power.
This recovery business is so slow. It puts life on hold. I hate being stagnant. I met with the Bishop on Sunday. He doesn't like to see me stagnant either. He thinks maybe a relationship can help me. I'm just not feeling that. I've already discussed it over and over. I'm tired of trying to make this decision. I feel like it is already made.
I am going to meet with my counselor Friday. I emailed him my situation. He wants me to wait on doing anything until we chat. I'm ready to call the girl up and tell her point blank, "I'M A FREAKIN PORN ADDICT...DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD THIS CAN DESTROY YOU?? PLEASE RUN AWAY!!" I told the girl that this weekend we will either be all in or all out. I know it may not be healthy but that is what surges through my body. I have seen SOSOSO much pain and frustration with this addiction. I saw it in my own parent's marriage. It was bad. I read it in the blogs. In the articles that I read. It is so disheartening.
Now, something positive before I self-destruct with the very thing that I loathe....
I breathe. I relax. I let it out. God please take all this frustration from me. Please grant me serenity. I may need to call a friend or something. I am doing some volunteer work tonight. I am trying to fill my life with positive things. With spiritual things. I went to institute last night. BUT I CAN'T SOLVE THIS!! I CAN'T BEAT THIS!! I assume that only God can. But i have got to fight!! I have got to give it my all!!
I surrender. I can't win on my own. I can't. I will have victory by surrendering.
I must say that I don't like dealing with emotions. I will admit that I am moody. I am up and down. I like the world to make SENSE. I like to tackle life logically and systematically. I am a fierce competitor. I don't like uncertainty. I like things to be more black and white.
I hate this addiction. I HATE IT. I just want to say it. It has freaking messed up all my emotions and my brain. I hate that I am so attracted to pornography. And when I say pornography...it can be anything. I don't know what people think... that all it is all hardcore porn or nudity. i can lose my mind over just a cute girl walking by. I get destroyed by girl's profiles on facebook (which i have deactivated...huge relief!!) The triggers are endless!!
And to top it off....all the emotions!! I can't handle being: tired, bored, apathetic, hurt, rejected, even intense happiness or relief. it seems my whole body wants to act out every time life gets dicey. I get so frustrated sometimes that I want to shoot lighting bolts and fire out of my head and arms. Kinda like Hades on Hercules...
I am tired of it. I am so powerless over the forces of lust. All i can do is cast the devils out (which i do frequently) and bring it to light.
All I have sometimes is to pray. Is to plead with my unseen God. He is there. He has to be!! He has really helped me. I feel a real power.
This recovery business is so slow. It puts life on hold. I hate being stagnant. I met with the Bishop on Sunday. He doesn't like to see me stagnant either. He thinks maybe a relationship can help me. I'm just not feeling that. I've already discussed it over and over. I'm tired of trying to make this decision. I feel like it is already made.
I am going to meet with my counselor Friday. I emailed him my situation. He wants me to wait on doing anything until we chat. I'm ready to call the girl up and tell her point blank, "I'M A FREAKIN PORN ADDICT...DO YOU KNOW HOW BAD THIS CAN DESTROY YOU?? PLEASE RUN AWAY!!" I told the girl that this weekend we will either be all in or all out. I know it may not be healthy but that is what surges through my body. I have seen SOSOSO much pain and frustration with this addiction. I saw it in my own parent's marriage. It was bad. I read it in the blogs. In the articles that I read. It is so disheartening.
Now, something positive before I self-destruct with the very thing that I loathe....
I breathe. I relax. I let it out. God please take all this frustration from me. Please grant me serenity. I may need to call a friend or something. I am doing some volunteer work tonight. I am trying to fill my life with positive things. With spiritual things. I went to institute last night. BUT I CAN'T SOLVE THIS!! I CAN'T BEAT THIS!! I assume that only God can. But i have got to fight!! I have got to give it my all!!
I surrender. I can't win on my own. I can't. I will have victory by surrendering.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Is it okay to dump on this blog?? I need help.
I am not doing too well. I am going to be honest in this post. I should be a nice, happy LDS guy who never complains and always has sunshine in his heart. I'm getting a little burned out. I am beginning to see more and more how darn needy and emotional i really am. I feel like a little kid. I feel completely powerless
First day back from work and I was pretty fine. I got on task. I had things to do. But in the afternoon, i get a little bored bc i finished most of my immediate tasks. I want to 'peruse' and 'find something to look at'. It isn't even like i'm going straight for porn. Rarely do i actually do that. I open facebook or click on a side tab from my email. Sometimes i just want to medicate by looking at cute girls on facebook. Well, i close it down, leave the office and make a call. Towards the end of the day, same thing. I survive. Barely. I then make a call. No one answers. Not until the 4th person. I talk to him. Then i go to the gym. I'm feeling like i may survive the day. I get back and all i want to do is lose. Which i do.
That is the external stuff. I'm going to try and figure out what's going on inside. I'm kind of a mess. First off, I am still struggling to figure out what to do with this girl. so i am doing this whole 'dating break.' No relationships. But I already began talking to this girl and even went out a couple of times before i made that decision. Now i'm trying to slide into a dating break. I like this girl. I like her alot. I want to date her. I want to have a normal relationship with her. But....I AM A PORN ADDICT! There is still loads of shame and issues that go along with that.
What DO I DO??
I have already told her..."hey i'm working on some things...I can't really date." But then i call her. But then we chat for hours. But then we write each other letters bc it's fun. But then we flirt. WHY?? Because we freaking like each other.
Do I just come out and tell her I'm a porn addict with underlying issues and I need to figure them out??
Do I just break things off entirely leaving no explanation?? I'm not going to lie and say it's bc i don't like her.
It doesn't make much sense to say to a girl, "I like you. I want to date you. But I can't date you."
Do I tell her everything and then let her choose?? Should she have a choice in this??
Do I let her 'be apart" of the recovery?? (sounds like codependency to me...which i know little about)
Do I tell her (which is what i have been doing), "Hey i'm working on some things. I don't want to lose you, but I can't see you just yet. My attractions for you are still a bit too strong. I want to date you but I can't at this moment."??
i feel like i'm just trying to buy myself more time. "Just wait around for another month or two girl and then i'll be ready for you."
And while I'm coping with the stress I do the exact oppostie by lusting and getting my visual fix and acting out.....
I can't take it anymore. I can't take this half in/half out. i can't take getting Holiday christmas letters from my married friends, brothers, and cousins about their wonderful married lives and what their adorable kids are doing. I can't take it anymore. I am envious, and jealous, and resentful of all them all. I admit it.
Another thing that I struggle with (and i may need to 4th step inventory this) is that I like to think i'm so independent but I have to make calls. And I get butt hurt when people don't call me back. i want everyone to bend over backwards for me when I send out a call or reach for help. I expect it out of God too. I want him to snatch me away. I am getting a lot of resentments towards my sponsor too. He NEVER answers my calls. And takes a day or two to call back, sometimes just a simple text. I want a 'divorce.' :) I feel like a teenaged drama queen. (No offense to you teenaged drama queens out there...)
I actually solict advice on this one....I'm stumped.
First day back from work and I was pretty fine. I got on task. I had things to do. But in the afternoon, i get a little bored bc i finished most of my immediate tasks. I want to 'peruse' and 'find something to look at'. It isn't even like i'm going straight for porn. Rarely do i actually do that. I open facebook or click on a side tab from my email. Sometimes i just want to medicate by looking at cute girls on facebook. Well, i close it down, leave the office and make a call. Towards the end of the day, same thing. I survive. Barely. I then make a call. No one answers. Not until the 4th person. I talk to him. Then i go to the gym. I'm feeling like i may survive the day. I get back and all i want to do is lose. Which i do.
That is the external stuff. I'm going to try and figure out what's going on inside. I'm kind of a mess. First off, I am still struggling to figure out what to do with this girl. so i am doing this whole 'dating break.' No relationships. But I already began talking to this girl and even went out a couple of times before i made that decision. Now i'm trying to slide into a dating break. I like this girl. I like her alot. I want to date her. I want to have a normal relationship with her. But....I AM A PORN ADDICT! There is still loads of shame and issues that go along with that.
What DO I DO??
I have already told her..."hey i'm working on some things...I can't really date." But then i call her. But then we chat for hours. But then we write each other letters bc it's fun. But then we flirt. WHY?? Because we freaking like each other.
Do I just come out and tell her I'm a porn addict with underlying issues and I need to figure them out??
Do I just break things off entirely leaving no explanation?? I'm not going to lie and say it's bc i don't like her.
It doesn't make much sense to say to a girl, "I like you. I want to date you. But I can't date you."
Do I tell her everything and then let her choose?? Should she have a choice in this??
Do I let her 'be apart" of the recovery?? (sounds like codependency to me...which i know little about)
Do I tell her (which is what i have been doing), "Hey i'm working on some things. I don't want to lose you, but I can't see you just yet. My attractions for you are still a bit too strong. I want to date you but I can't at this moment."??
i feel like i'm just trying to buy myself more time. "Just wait around for another month or two girl and then i'll be ready for you."
And while I'm coping with the stress I do the exact oppostie by lusting and getting my visual fix and acting out.....
I can't take it anymore. I can't take this half in/half out. i can't take getting Holiday christmas letters from my married friends, brothers, and cousins about their wonderful married lives and what their adorable kids are doing. I can't take it anymore. I am envious, and jealous, and resentful of all them all. I admit it.
Another thing that I struggle with (and i may need to 4th step inventory this) is that I like to think i'm so independent but I have to make calls. And I get butt hurt when people don't call me back. i want everyone to bend over backwards for me when I send out a call or reach for help. I expect it out of God too. I want him to snatch me away. I am getting a lot of resentments towards my sponsor too. He NEVER answers my calls. And takes a day or two to call back, sometimes just a simple text. I want a 'divorce.' :) I feel like a teenaged drama queen. (No offense to you teenaged drama queens out there...)
I actually solict advice on this one....I'm stumped.
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