Another dump. I surrender. I surrender all my lust. All my cravings. All my obsessions. All my negative emotions.
I give them all to God. Relax. Easy does it.
I surrender my control. My fear of the future. My worry of the future. My shame and guilt of the past.
I release it. I squeeze my hand and then open it. I let it go.
I surrender my frustrations. My overly high expectations for myself. My anger to those who have wronged me. My hatred towards anything that attracts me.
Breathe.
I will persevere as Chris posts. I may be entirely weak against lust and porn and any form of acting out. I may be wholly addicted. But I have to fight. Not to fight against the lust. I can't fight it and win. I can't win toe to toe. It's like being in the ring with an MMA champ....i will get pummeled. I will let it pass. Someone else (infinite and all-loving God) can do the fighting for me. I am too weak right now.
I desire freedom and peace. I trust...even just a little bit....that I will receive. In fact, I feel it now after righting this. I've been beaten to the floor.
Is there no other way for God to have our hearts and souls???
I guess not, Warrior. I guess not. Surrender to The Man. He's the only captor who will never abuse you; only bless you. Don't despair, brother!
ReplyDeleteI've never felt better then when I hit rock bottom (and it's happened again and again). There is something about turning your will wholly and completely over to the Lord that pours out strength/guidance/peace (whatever it may be) for that moment. God is so good to us. -MM
ReplyDeleteI know this isn't something a guy normally likes to hear... but, that was beautiful. I felt it. It touched me. I feel you. I'm sorry it's so hard, but at the same time I'm not. You're a caterpillar in a cocoon fighting to be break free and fly as a beautiful Monarch. That's the fight you are talking about... you have to fight to want it...
ReplyDeleteBut...
Not always..
My husband send this very scripture to me just today...
Mark 9:23-24:
Jesus said unto him, if they canst believe, all things are possible to him that believeth. And straightway the father of the child cried out, and said with tears, Lord, I believe: help thou mine unbelief.
Quoting my husband about this passage of scripture:
"I love that the mas is honest. He says 'I believe, but I still need help believing more.' That's recovery. Saying "I know you can do it right now but help me keep believing it."
Haha dump away man. It's important to be honest and not put up facades around us, as we are SO good at. God needs to hear these feelings, and we need to practice taking them to God.
ReplyDeleteI've always loved the scip that grace put up about the father. It's always rung true with me. Keep taking these feelings with God in humility and you will slowly learn how He will help you. I came to find that God was actually helping me every time I asked, just not the in way I thought He would or wanted Him to.
Keep fighting the good fight. This will eventually become a strength of yours if you keep working at it - and then we can help others years down the road - cause let's be honest, it's only going to get worse! Best of luck my friend.
wow. This post is beautiful. You are truly a warrior!
ReplyDeleteThis is kinda my theme song and since it's all about a soldier rising from the ashes, I thought you'd also maybe like it:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fF66mDlY1Rk
And here's the lyrics in case you can't get to the clip:
Sound the bugle now - play it just for me
As the seasons change - remember how I used to be
Now I can't go on - I can't even start
I've got nothing left - just an empty heart
I'm a soldier - wounded so I must give up the fight
There's nothing more for me - lead me away...
Or leave me lying here
Sound the bugle now - tell them I don't care
There's not a road I know - that leads to anywhere
Without a light I fear that I will stumble in the dark
Lay right down - decide not to go on
Then from on high - somewhere in the distance
There's a voice that calls, "Remember who you are"
If you lose yourself - your courage soon will follow
So be strong tonight - remember who you are
Yeah you're a soldier now - fighting in a battle
To be free once more - yeah, that's worth fighting for