The Lone Survivor

I had a good evening last night. A much needed one. I've been feeling very defeated and beaten lately. Losing my will to survive. It is easy to get into traps and hard to get out.

 I was going to isolate all evening but my roommate (and pretty much best friend) came home. We worked out together in the front room and watched a really good war movie.  It was about Navy Seals that got stranded on a mountain and took some very heavy attack from Taliban soldiers.

These guys got really beat up. There were 4 to start with but only one survived.  The amount of pain these guys were able to endure was incredible. They were all shot multiple times. Sustained broken bones from running down the mountain. They refused to give up. They fought and held off the enemy as long as they could.

The main character was able to get off the mountain and was rescued by the locals.  They protected him from the Taliban.

The movie really impacted me. It made me want to become as tough as them. yes, physically, but mostly mentally and emotionally.   These are my weaknesses. I'd like them to turn into strengths.

I don't define emotional strength as being 'too good for help or from anyone else.'  The soldiers were very committed to each other. They knew full well they could never leave a man behind. Even when one comrade was shot to pieces and dying they continued to drag him off the mountain.

I bought me a new journal since i filled up the last one a few days ago.  

I just slept great and woke up ready to go this morning. I like nights like that. Sometimes I wonder who in the universe is still praying for me. I think that strength trickles down from sky at times.

I had a good chat with my therapist yesterday. It was rough. We discussed hard issues. I left pretty frustrated and not willing to take her advice.  I've got some deep rooted negative thinking.  She is really wanting me to get back into dating and find a meaningful, emotion-rich relationship.

I've written about dating/relationships several times before. Perhaps she is right.  It doesn't help me at all to keep putting life off. I NEED connection. I NEED friends. I NEED to be able to pursue meaningful relationships.  I'm going to finish the rest of March strong and we'll see about what happens then.

The will to survive...

So yesterday's post was super negative.  I'm going to write another one now so that I can assess how i'm feeling afterwards.

I just have moments where I feel all those things.  My therapist wrote me back some solid stuff.  I am getting self-centered by only thinking about me all the time. ME MEMEMEME...

I'd like to get out of my pity part and contribute in more meaningful ways to the world. I feel like I'm in such a grandiose person that I'm entitled to just have all that I want.

Well, not sure what else to say. I'm still in a downer mood today a bit.  Sometimes I just seem to lose my will to keep plugging on and on.  In the races that I do I know how long the race is.  I know how long it will typically take. I know where the finish line is.  And towards the end when you are pushing hard...you can see the finish line.  You see it there.  You can say to yourself "i will push it to that point and then finish!!"

I had a race two summers ago where I pushed so hard that I pretty much collapsed at the end.  I had mild heat exhaustion. I had to lie down in the medical tent....I couldn't see or walk straight.  It was a great finish.

With recovery....sometimes I don't know what the end goal is...I just wake up, live life, try to stay sober, and go to bed. One day at a time. What else can I do??  My end goal is 'peace, joy, freedom'....???  Not quite sure how to measure that.

I want to feel like my life is of some sort of meaning or purpose.  I try to contribute but when I'm isolated so much it's pretty much me with me.  My relationships with others have been rather strangled.  I have too much fear to hang out too much with girls. I don't connect with too many guys my age.

I'm becoming a set-in-his-ways older bachelor.

I'm buying a house now and will be moving in April.  I'm really excited for a change of scenery.  And a new ward.  I feel like I'm just getting a bit anxious for some new flavor.

I want this weather to get better so I can start doing some outdoor adventures too.  Maybe I have the seasonal blues...

Thursday dumpings

So I haven't written in a while. I've had alot to do in life. I don't have time to write blogs at work and I don't have a computer at home anymore.

I am having a bit of a moment today.  I'm barely staying sober. My heart is getting harder and my willingness is less submissive to God. I desperately need to break out it.

Here is what I wrote my therapist this morning:

I am feeling really emotionally down right now. The past 2 weeks have been battles. Every day seems to be a battle. And not so much with lust right now.  I relapsed badly last Thursday and i have been sober since.

However, I feel like someone or something or maybe it's me...is whispering negativity into my head. I feel really depleted at times. And just downright frustrated.  I'm just so exhausted of my life being on hold.  I have not felt worthy of love or relationships in a very long time.  We're talking several years.  It's always 'when I get sober'  or 'when I get recovery'.  Those two things consistently elude me. I have to take a day at a time. I have to have victories where I can. I can't be overly focused on the future and what's going to happen next.  But i do think about it!  I'm always planning what I'm going to do next.

Everything else in my life seems to be progressing how I want except my emotional side.  I'm tired of the emotional side.  I wish so so badly there was some sort of surgery or pill that I could take where I could just remove it. I'm that serious.  

I have a great job. I'm doing well at it.  I have a bit of fears every now and then of not doing enough or getting behind on projects.  I had a very productive day yesterday. Because before I started the day I made a conscious decision to have a solid day. I didn't want to feel all moppy and sad and depressed.  I don't get as much done!! I don't enjoy life as much!!

I am very financially stable. I'm buying a house. A decent one. I buy my cars in cash. I have no debt. I have an 800 credit score. I am responsible. I set up appointments with an inspector. I'm speaking with mortgage lenders.  No one is teaching me how to do all this.  I study up and do it. I ask questions. I learn from others.  

I am faithful in my ward. I do visits to other elders in the ward weekly.  I pick one night a week.  I attend all hours of church. I'm involved in the classes. I help with the new member principles class. I taught elders quorum on Sunday and it went well. I stay after for meetings to talk about the home teaching in the ward.

I am in great physical shape.  I train for races. I ran 3 miles on Tuesday and it was a breeze. I eat well. I have no trouble sleeping at nights.

I write in my journal daily and never miss. I get up early 530/545 to read scriptures or recovery literature.

I volunteer at a school Wednesday evenings to teach latino adults English.  The principle and director of the program was there last night and I translated his entire presentation.  I am involved with my students and I care alot about them.  I sat down with our lead teacher and a student who has been having troubles at work. She wants us to help her not get verbally abused at work.  I cared. I had sympathy.

I taught a country swing dance class on Tuesday night as well.  We had about 5 couples show up.  Me and my friend Mary are putting it on.  I make friends with every person there.  I like people. I have no problems to talking to people. And asking them how they are.  I tell girls they look cute and that they are fantastic dancers.

I'm liked at my job. Most departments in the city hall know me.  I can chat and joke around with any of them.

But I still don't really love myself....

I still don't want these 'loving relationships' that you speak of.

I like to give and contribute but I don't feel like I deserve it in return.

Whenever people get intimately close to me....they get let down or hurt.

Because underneath all that I do on the outside, is a sexual addict who loves to stay late at work, watch youtube videos of girls striping or sex scenes and masturbate to it.

This is sickening to write but it is rather true. I can't deny the fact that I've looked at porn/MBed somewhere in the 1000 times. Literally.

And that is what the devil feasts on.  So what do i do??? I work harder and get more involved.   Yes, I am supposed to face the issues head on.  I don't know how to do that.  I don't like doing things I don't know how to do.  I like doing the many things that I am good at.  I don't like 'wasting time' on things i suck at.

Loving relationships???  With guys??  I can have deep friendships. I believe that.  But is that enough??  And honestly, I don't know what some relationship with a girl is going to do anyway.  It seems all overrated. over sung. over poem-written-about. over talked about.  Love seems to be all that everyone cares about.  It seems to be what I'm grasping for.  I loathe it.  I crave it.  Can you see the internal conflict??

Then the whole marriage then....I don't think I understand it.  I know it is a commandment.  I know I can't receive exaltation without it. I know it is the purpose of life. I know it is one of the main reasons i'm on this earth.

But I'm not super excited about it. It seems so complicated.  And difficult. And the reward? Sex??  Good grief, sex has to be the plague of the earth.  We don't get enough. We get too much. We get hooked on it.  It needs more love. Less lust.  It's sex!!  It involves passion and sexual drive and losing our minds.  I don't think I understand it at all.  I'm still perplexed on how its a joy and its beautiful and wonderful.  Sex and anything related to stimulation and craving and sexual drives has been nothing but a FREAKIN headache, pain, misery, frustration for me.  Not sure I'm that interested.  (even though I crave it every day of my life)

Well, I needed to dump.  Mostly it is just fueling my negativity.  Now I need to write another long email about how what I'm feeling is not positive and why i need to change it or I'm going to relapse and thus the downward spiral.

w I don't want to live like this forever. It just isn't sustainable. It isn't enjoyable.  Recovery is supposed to bring some sort of peace and joy. And I'm not quite getting to that point.  Is it a choice?? Do I simply choose it??  Sometimes I feel like I don't get much choice in life. And I suppose that is what bothers me most.

I want my life to be a certain way....and I'm not getting that.

Maybe that's the conflict here.

In the words of Smashing Pumpkins.in Mayonaise

No more promise, no more sorrow

No longer will I follow

Can anybody hear me

I just want to be me

When I can, I will

Try to understand

That when I can, I will