Another week. Another Day

So last week ended up being a good one. Nice and productive and better yet completely sober.

Here's how I stayed sober (seriously...every day is a battle. You addicts know how that is)

Did my dailies DAILY. That's why we call them dailies....you have to do them every day. I didn't WANT to every day. I did because if i don't I set myself up for relapse.

I contacted my sponsor every morning explaining what i studied and also every night before I went to bed stating how the day went.  I like this check in.   A week ago he told me flat out, "if you miss one day in the next 14 days I am dropping you."  EEk.

All addicts need a good sponsor like that.  A sponsor can tell you straight all day. And if you whine and moan and feel like he's picking on you....then you can have your pity party. Here's the thing about pity parties....NO ONE COMES TO THEM!! except for you of course.

Texted and called people every time my emotions were off. This is long before lust even shows up. You keep in tune with your emotions or if you're tired, hungry, or bored....we don't even have to run the rounds with lust.  However, triggers happen all the time...since everything is a trigger.  I had to say a special prayer before watching Star Trek. Yes, there were 2 scenes.  Now, to the normal person, just 2 scenes. But I will lose my mind and act out a week later based on a scene that flashed before my eyes for 1.8 seconds.

I read scriptures/recovery literature every day....even on Friday and Saturday. I don't work those days and I am doing fun things that I enjoy as much as i possibly can on those days. This weekend...i FORCED myself to read something and to pray and ponder. Sometimes it is only 15 minutes. 15 minutes can do wonders.

I also went to my recovery meetings on Monday night, Thurday night, and Saturday morning. I also did some home teaching visits on Tuesday night and Sunday after church.

It's exhausting. Easy does it. But recovery requires ALOT of conscious work for me. It is akin to training for an Iron Man. (which i may do next year...)


Side note. Had a rough chat with a girl. The same one that I wrote a letter to a few weeks ago. She still wants to date and doesn't know how to proceed.  I hate these chats. I hate telling a girl that I like and want to date that I can't.....and that I can't explain why.  "I am working on some personal issues."  But whether she understands or not, is irrelevant. I'm not dating and that is that.

In fact, i set up further ground rules.

1. No alone time with a girl. Even if she is a 'friend'.  The whole, "we'll just be friends" is garbage.
2. I can go to activities and chat and even flirt, but no asking a girl out....not even for a Sunday stroll. It's too risky.  I'm not sure I have ever met a girl that didn't think something of that.
3. No dates until I have 100 days of sobriety OR if the spirit strongly encourages otherwise.
4. No stupid texts to girls "just to see how they are doing" unless I'm sure that it is a harmless text. This is hard to know for me. I texted the girls that I home teach just to see how they've been. They have no interest in me which is great. I like girls that have zero interest in me.

I like ground rules. I believe people call them boundaries. I hate breaking them. I did so with the same girl I just mentioned. Last weekend (a week ago), we watched a movie and ended up cuddling. I really blew it. I was super sorry, but apologies don't seem to do much at that point. She completely avoided me at church yesterday. I am glad that she is mature enough to know how to move on.

So recovery continues....bloody slow...I don't know about you all but one day at a time is slow. One year = 365 days. But I can't think about that. Just today. Just work what I need to today. Surrender in the moment. There is no surrender in advance. There is no surrender in the abstract. 3 different guys at my meeting Saturday got multiple year chips; two with 2 years and 1 with 3 years. We even sing "Happy Birthday".

This addiction still sucks. I hate it. I hate how it messes up all my thinking and stunts my progress in life. Just today while checking cycling results over the weekend. (Tour of Italy stages and Tour of California wrapped up), i get triggered by the beautiful podium girls. They are too attractive for me. I can't handle it.  They have nothing to offer me. I closed it down.