Training Session with Maurice

My second entry.  this morning i met with Maurice.  I came in without much feeling or thoughts.  I didn't feel happy.  I didn't feel sad.  I didn't feel clean.  i didn't feel guilt.  Numb. 

Here is my latest rut.   I make the best of life.  that doesn't seem like a rut. but it can be when you make no improvements or are content being a partial addict.  "well, I don't really care this week.. I am going to enjoy life anyway."   those were my thoughts last week.  I am not married.  not too keen on the idea.  No kids.  No salary job with benefits.  No house payments or even rent.  I am what the Prophet refers to as "coasting through life."    

  even now I don't have super strong reasons to fight.  but here is what I do want.  I want to be successful.  I want a life devoted to building God's kingdom.  I realize that i have too much "fun" at times.  Maurice talked about how he isn't so concerned with that anymore.  he lives to destroy the work of Satan and see young men and women regain their lives. 

 so i will begin to daily remind myself of who I want to be or want to become, more than just "i fight..."   I'm the kinda guy who is good at making routine plans and achieving goals.  i enjoy that.  Recovery is one goal that consistently eludes me.  It requires strength from others.  I think I enjoy solving issues with my own intellect then I can truly be proud of my achievement because it is mine.  Recovery wont be the same way.

  I will adhere more to "mosaic rituals"    the Morning Routine- MR (prayer, scripture study 30 mins, read 3X5 cards, write a Why I Fight, review day),  border patrol  BP  (pray at every interval, review objective, monitor mood, slow down a tad),  Evening Routine- ER (review day, prophecy how i will defeat Satan, report to my support group)   I can win most any day with those things in place.  It requires a great deal of discipline.

  Another technique.    Master-Slave relationship.   I will take Sunday mornings to plan out my week.  i have been doing this for years anyway.  I will set up all my MR, BP, ER goals.  Spiritual goals.  Workouts.  Activities, Down time, dates (if existent).   I will sign a personal contract to stick to the program.  During the week, I become a slave to the program.  Choice, desire, energy level are no longer options.  You do the work or you get whipped.   (hopefully I don't become shizophenic like Gollum or something)    Then it wont be a matter of "should I...?"  but more "I must...no questions about it".

I am also planning the exact time and day of when I lose battles.  To slowly improve.  I will do everything in my power today, Tuesday, Wednesday to win.  I will do all the techniques i know work.  I will then lose at 9 am on Thursday morning.  Since last week was 2 times a day for 4 days straight, surviving until Thurs morning will be a challenge in itself.

  My next major step is to look at life in terms of my stewardships and duties.  I may not have a family and all that but I intend to in the next couple of years.  I will begin to realign my life and thinking to train like I am. 

I am training for an Olympic Triathlon on August 27.  The next two months will be to prepare for that and to make REAL progress in recovery.  I will retrain my brain and lifestyle.  I want a clear, clean mind to begin school again in the Fall.