The girl I am dating has a birthday tomorrow. Sadly I work until 6 pm and then a work meeting until 8 pm. probably wont get to see her. We are doing something Friday during the day and also something Saturday.
She's not into gifts. I do feel this pressure (probably me imposing it) as the "boyfriend" (which is I title I don't care for) that I should do something nice. Any ideas???
Honestly, I have trouble staying interested in her week in and week out. Maybe I should do more acts of love or be more open?
Ah, some days I wish I didn't have "someone I was dating." After years of being an addict, you get very accustomed to isolation and not having to report to anyone.
She doesn't impose any pressure or expectations so I have nothing to whine about.
I read somewhere recently (i read too much about this addiction...I just have to know everything from every point of view) that it takes a good 7-12 months of sobriety until you are able to enjoy stable recovery. until then I can crash at any moment....that is draining to hear... is it really such a good idea for me to drag some girl into my life?? ah, it seems so risky.
I don't want to dwell on that negative though. I have to be positive. I have to fight. I have to trust my program, my sponsor, and mostly God. I can only manage a day at a time. Day 61 today.
I have probably told you this before, but our bishop told my husband that his ability to love was diminished by his addiction. And that the longer he kept it out of his life, the greater his ability to love would be. I found this to be so interesting. I think addiction is very self-serving (even though it is simultaneously self-destructive). But you are so used to concentrating on yourself (pleasure as well as beating yourself up for mistakes and concentrating on "how am I going to fix ME") that your ability to really put time and effort and care and love into someone else has kind of been used up. Does that make sense? It's just a theory, but I think there's something to it. Here's the thing. The girl is already a part of your life. She knows about the addiction. You aren't dragging her into anything unless you move things forward and start talking about marriage. Take it slow. And I mean SLOW. (Mormon dating to marriage time tends to be lightning speed.) Just date her. Hang out. You obviously know you aren't ready to marry anyone, especially since you recognize that your heart isn't 100% into her. Right? Let yourself like her. Let the love come later if it's going to come.
ReplyDeleteBirthday gift? I'm terrible at these things. Send her a text in the morning wishing her a happy birthday. And then tell her you want to take her out the next day since you can't on her actual birthday. If she's not into gifts, just take her to a casual lunch or dinner. That would sound like plenty to me!
Mac, you are right. There is no reason for me to run or withdraw. I am okay with moving SLOW. especially if she is as well. I have sent her articles to read and we've discussed this quite thoroughly. I just don't want her jumping into this unless she knows how serious it is.
DeleteAnd I did text her. And i don't want to stress about it. I will use my creative abilities to come up with a fun date this weeked. Nothing elaborate or overdone, but fun and special. Thanks for you input on all this!