Ok, love doesn't make any sense. Is that the idea?? How do people honestly pull off getting married?? I'm stumped. It seriously must be one big act of faith. This blog is going from my recovery blog to my dating up and downs blog. I think the two may be related.
I post about falling in love. Well, going back to last Friday, things weren't so clear cut. Friday evening, me and my girl go to the temple. This is actually the third time. I don't know if going to the temple with the girl you are dating is 'no bueno' but the first two times were awesome. This time wasn't. I felt alot of discomfort and no peace. I was frustrated feeling this. I thought we were doing well. Is it me?? Is it my fears?? Is it my addiction?? Is it our relationship?? Is it her?? Kinda hard to come to any conclusion when she is right there. She could instantly tell I was off. She closes up. When she closes up she is no fun. Kinda snippy. Doesn't smile. Doens't talk. (hmm, i think I have read wives of addicts doing this before....)
Saturday we had to go to her brother's wedding. I had already committed to going. I wanted to go. I met all the family. I was in pictures. I was the boyfriend. The ride up together was real trivial. She didn't warm up until the end of the event. (I don't blame her honestly....I am still amazed she wants to put herself through all this....good thing girls focus on the potential and not just the moment)
I had this lingering impression to tell her that I needed to pull back a bit (a break? a step back) . I was worried how I was going to put it because I don't know if this is all the girl hears.."blah blah blah....I want to break up". I just need a few days by myself to figure out what im feeling!!! This is NOT easy for me!! I am a recovering lust addict!! good grief, too many emotions in such a short time!!
Sunday. awkward chat. I expressed i need a break. A few days of little contact. She was hurt. Not too happy but respected my wishes. I felt some peace with this.
Monday and Tuesday were kinda rough. I didn't realize how attached i was. I called a few friends. Called my mom. Everyone seems to say the same thing. "don't bail on this girl....like you've done every time before!! Don't make decisions based on fear!!"
well, so i feel really stuck. Can't run from the girl. Can't let myself relax with her.
She comes over last evening. "I just want to hug you. You don't have to talk. I'll be only 5 minutes then I have to go to something."
4 hours later, after little real talking, alot of cuddling, even more kissing, and after struggling to say good night bc it is bloody late, she goes home. Yeah, she completely skipped what she had to go to.
so here we go....I couldn't seem to communicate verbally, but I love the physical affection. First time for me with a girl. I lived in fantasy land my whole life.
Am I doing this all wrong?? Is it super wrong that I really like holding this girl close and kissing her?? (we don't do ANYTHING inappropriately) Is it bad that I feel alot of love and feelings and passions when we are affectionate and sometimes don't feel much else where???
but just the same...day 111 today. Still rolling forward. Still one day at a time.
I'm saying all this totally out of love- but you are a basket case! Coming from the wife of an addict I'd take porn over coldness/grumpy/distant any day. Seriously. The porn/lust hurts but not as much as his mood swings. Don't over analyze and don't play games with her. Forget the addiction for a bit and focus on being considerate of her feelings even when, rather, ESPECIALLY when you are feeling doubts and confused. No more breaks! That hurts me so badly when Pete withdraws like that.
ReplyDeleteSo sorry of that was harsh. I'm cheering for you and her.
Jane, dang that was harsh but honest. I was kinda upset at first, but realized that what you said is very true. I sent her a text apologizing for leaving her out and not being considerate of her feelings. She came to visit me at work and it was good to see her. And yes, I am a bit of a basket case, but I am improving. Addicts by nature are self-centered, so thank you for the reminder to set my issues aside for once and focus on her. I feel better that way anyway and she obviously likes it. God bless women!...seriously.
DeleteWarrior I felt bad as soon as I published it. I'm so bad at commenting impulsively and regretting it. I appreciate your humility. You are doing great and if you figure this stuff out now you are way ahead of us. You have great things coming your way, I know it!
ReplyDeleteI hate to say it, but I agree with Jane. You can't shut down on her. It isn't fair if you're going to be in a relationship for you to withdraw and run away. That being said, sometimes you need time before you can maturely and openly discuss things, but even with that you HAVE to express that to her.
ReplyDelete(From the perspective of a slightly bitter wife of a porn addict, I hate hate HATE the thought that you only like her when it's phyical. That is NOT a whole relationship. So if you can't like her sitting across the room or only like her when you're hugging/kissing/what have you, it's not fair to her.)
However, it sounds like you're in a great place with her (usually) and I hope that wherever it takes you, you'll learn. Both of you. :D
thanks for the comment. I took Jane's advice to heart and didn't close down on her. We talked some things out and really felt like we were both overthinking things. And our relationship is NOT all physical. It is just one of my fears that being as addict, I'll only go for that. The fact it, i mainly like her for some many other reasons. I have been super honest about everything with her...sometimes I feel I say too much!! This is a huge learning process. Marriage is an absolute miracle to me...I feel so behind in this.... But I'm going to live with faith and proceed with life the best I can. No sense giving up with every hard thing that comes up.
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