That happens to be the title of a Megadeth song. And it is how I feel right now...
So I survived the second half of this week. some things have really been working hard on me. I just got back from a positive SA meeting and I get online to get email and facebook posts and see who commented on my latests posts. You know...seeking validation. I get posts from my aunt, and my uncle, and 2 from my mom. All asking..."So where are the girls in your photos??" "Hey you aren't married yet??....no time for personal grooming and idle chit chat." "Working out is good but getting married is better."
I'm pissed. Yes, I am straight up annoyed. thanks everyone in my life for reminding me that I am single. Thanks. I didn't notice. Normally i just take the beating. I'm used to it now. I have like 45 cousins and like 12 aunts and uncles. they all know me. They know 'what a great guy i am.' I should TOTALLY be married by now.
Thursday night i had a super emotional and depressing night. I went to a meeting. The topic was step 9 making amends. I went into the meeting feeling rather positive. I felt lame that I didn't have much sobriety to share. And my old sponsor was there....i always feel like he's going to be like "So uh, no sobriety huh? Gotta work the program." Well, a few guys shared about confessing to their wives and making amends with other people. One guy in particular shared how he had to bring up some extra intense stuff just recently. He was completely shocked his wife didn't leave him. He wholeheartedly confessed that he was convinced things were over. I don't know about everyone else but this is BLOODY INTENSE to me. I almost started crying driving home. i was thinking about maybe calling this nice, cute girl up this weekend...but left thinking that i didn't have any business doing so.
I called like 6 different guys and no one picked up. I ended up doing the ONE thing in life that seems to make me feel better....workout. I am addicted to working out. Fine, I said it. I went to the pool and swam 2,000 yards. I like to punish my body and push my limits. I did a 3 and a half hour cardio workout yesterday. It involved running 6 miles and biking 50 miles. Seriously, I can go all day. And i loved it. I don't listen to music. I don't have a heart rate monitor. It is a form of meditation for me.
Ok so last night. I went and hung out with some friends. I was feeling pretty good. I was going to text this girl that I've been mentioning. i get a distinct impression not to. I get home and begged God to let me just take her out once. Still I get a no. I'm not making this up. Taking a break is still the will of God. I feel it. I agree with it. In spite of all the cheap jabs and pressure from everyone else, I CAN GOING TO DO THINGS RIGHT! I am NOT going to bring this damn addiction into a relationship. I WILL NOT!! This is NOT the job of some girlfriend to fix.
Ok, we can all say "no one's perfect..." Well, you know what?? I am a PERFECT tithe payer. I NEVER miss. I have NEVER drank a drop of alcohol nor coffee nor smoked. I am PERFECT in that. Can I be perfect in some areas??? I also get tired of the statement, "It's okay to make mistakes" Ok, please tell me, which sins are okay?? When is looking at a hot lingerie model and masturbating to it a good thing????
This is not some little bad habit for me. I think the wives married to sex addicts can attest. Sure, they all have to go through their hell and life is all better for them and yes the steps have brought them closer to God. I believe that. I really do. But is all the pain from sexual addiction so necessary?? It might be for me...I'm learning the whole gospel and the atonement and repentance through this recovery process.
And guess what...I'm going to go to the gym and do another workout. Becuase I am still upset. I am going to call some people too because if i don't surrender all my negative emotions then I WILL let the lust feed off it and I will be back where I started.
well, here's my honest thoughts. I like to think i'm a chill person but right now...maybe not so much. i don't want to act out today. I don't WANT TO AT ALL!! But I at least know that I can feel my emotions, get them out, and connect with other addict guys...bc i lose if i don't.
I admire you so much! I admire the married men and the single men battling this horrible addiction. Soon I'm going to write a blog post called "To The Men" or something like it. From what I can tell, you're totally right to give it some time before dating. No wife wants to deal with the active addiction of her husband. I could say the same for me, too- no husband wants to deal with the active addiction of his wife, either.
ReplyDeleteAnd it's not fair. I know I also have no business dating right now. That fact pisses me off. It's a little easier for me because I'm not really getting asked out, either, so I don't have to turn down good men, thank goodness. But it's still not fair. I'm a good person. I'll be a good wife. But I'll be a much, much better wife when I'm further into recovery. I'm still so selfish. I still NEED to focus on recovery full time. I owe that to my God, to myself, to my children and to my future.
You are truly a warrior! I think it's great that you work out so much as long as it doesn't interfere with important relationships. It's GOOD to have a safe outlet like that. Good for you.
Thanks for inspiring me by doing the hard things.
thanks for the comment. yep, we have to something duke it out single for now. I'm not worried. All in good time. Gotta make the relationship count. I don't know when the dating light turns green but you better believe I am going to be ready for it!
DeleteAre you sure we aren't related? I just might be one of those 45 cousins. Lol.
ReplyDeleteThanks for reminding me that I'm "perfect" in some areas too! YES!
You are such a great writer. I love to read what you have to say. Have a good workout, and offer a prayer too. The Lord loves you!
thanks. I would choke on the banana i'm eating if we were related!!
DeleteI'm going to do a post on perfection as soon as I get a chance.
Your honesty is so refreshing. I'm sorry for my comments in the last post, I've been feeling guilty about them ever since. I am so impressed with your honesty, determination, and your trust in God.
ReplyDeleteThis mormon messages comes to mind: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nczw6xHJ0I I especially love how the car keeps breaking down at the same point - it's kind of what you are experiencing right now in your life. But don't you give up, don't you ever give up!!! You are a warrior!
No worries on the comments. And I don't like causing others to feel guilt. Enough with guilt! And I would totally watch that video but youtube is blocked. For obvious reasons...
DeleteYou didn't cause me to feel guilt. I was feeling guilty anyway - I don't really know why I started trying to give advice! Anyway, here is the same video not on youtube! I didn't even think about it being blocked because my husband has no boundaries of his own! Good for you!
Deletehttp://www.lds.org/pages/mormon-messages#good-things-to-come
Great job to you for being honest.
ReplyDeleteI wrote a post lately about wearing signs.
http://awiferedeemed.blogspot.com/2013/03/signs.html
It seems that it would be so much easier if we could all just wear our signs asking for patience. But, the truth is, we are all imperfect in some way, and if we did wear signs, we would be judged for what is on our signs by many people.
I think it is admirable of you to enter further into recovery before you start seriously dating. And I in no way say this to try and persuade you differently, but I wanted to say, as the Wife of A Porn Addict, that I admire you for being perfect in some ways and for STRIVING for perfection in the areas you fall short. My husband has dragged me through hell, but he has also carried me into happiness (and we are still working on solid recovery). I do not regret marrying him or learning the lessons this trial has taught me.
I know that my children will have a solid chance of a healthy life in this cruel and cunning world. I know that the lessons I learn and teach to them have the potential to save them and save future generations. So, although I am not to the point that I can say I am grateful for this trial that my husband has brought into my life (maybe one day...) I am SO GRATEFUL for the lessons it taught me. Lessons I wouldn't have learned any other way.
So, pat yourself on the back for the things you are doing perfectly and don't beat yourself up about the areas where you fall short. Just keep acknowledging that you can't do it on your own, turn it over to Him, plead for His help and keeping trying.
And know that all those people who naively judge you, are wearing their own signs. We just don't know what they say.
http://awiferedeemed.blogspot.com/2013/03/worth-fighting-for.html
thanks. I've read all your posts. so true about the signs. I sometimes will say to myself...what if we all just voiced our worst over the pulpit?? One at time? you know...it'd probably just be a horrible judge fest.
DeleteAnd I have been super intrigued (slightly baffled) at this notion that the women are grateful for the lessons their learning. I'm reading that theme quite a bit actually.
Thinkin' bout ya. :-) Prayers your way - Angels attending.
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ReplyDeleteMy brother - my warrior mate - how I love you and see your true power! You are facing so much and battling upward and onward as we need to be continually doing. Thank ypu for your strength. I was a little saddened when you said how you called 6 guys and none of them answered. Please feel free to call me 435.773.5644 or text - I answer because I know the importance of having a need to talk and finding the courage to do it and then having no one answer -- my recovery has been contributed A LOT to having brothers who pick up and are there when needed - Brother/Warrior I am here!
ReplyDeletetexted you. I have you saved as Chris W. First name with an initial means a fellow addict/warrior
DeleteI really don't think I could say anything that hasn't already been said but I do want you to know I admire you, your strength and your honesty. One thing to remember is that this is an addiction and even though you don't want to drag a wife into your personal hell of this addiction it is still part of you. You may not need to tell her on a first date and when you have years of sobriety under your belt you'll know when the time, the person who is right to know what you have been through. Love is cultivated through honesty. I didn't tell my husband half of the things I had been through before we got married and I regret that. He didn't need to know details granted but I wish I would have told him about my addictions before we got married. I have no doubt he still would have married me. But that is all in due time my friend.
ReplyDeleteKeep being you. Be perfect in those areas you know you can. I still full heartedly believe that God is preparing someone for you. I know he did for me. I would never have gotten through the last 13 years with a different spouse. I have put my husband through hell and back many times over and I commend you for taking a break from dating BUT know that as you follow the Lord I truly believe there is that person being molded just for you.
that is all that I can cling to right now...that God will let it all work out. I will do what i can. It will be years until i get years of sobriety. God may reveal when it's ready to move forward sooner. He may not. Oh well. I just have to deal with it.
DeleteSorry you've had to go through the hell and putting the husband through it.
hey buddy, replied to your comment on my post. thought i'd leave a quick one here too... try not to let the 'what? you're not married yet???' get to you. it's frustrating, but they don't know everything. good luck man
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