Ok, so I am writing a post. I don’t want to spend a ton of time on this because I have lots of things to do. I snapped this morning. I cracked. Last night marked day 51 of complete sobriety. Honestly, I enjoyed very good sobriety. Now I was not immune to triggers or temptations, but I practiced recovery and surrender bc it works. Well, the past two weeks, it has become harder and harder to attend meetings, read recovery literature. This past two weeks have involved a car accident (destroying my car) and the girl I’m dating’s apartment catching fire. Not to mention grad classes at night and projects until midnight and waking up at 5. It has been stressful. It has. Those are my excuses.
I needed to go to work early today because I didn’t finish a project on Thursday. I got up at 4 and was to work by 5. I check my emails and had an email from pinterest. Triggers, triggers, triggers. (it doesn’t help that I had super erotic dreams last night..How much control over that do I have???)
I didn’t have it in me to resist. It was over quick and immensely pleasurable. I struggled the rest of the day. I’m kinda numb right now about all of it. I feel super spiritually sick to my stomach.
And yes, over the past month and a half I have been dating a really nice girl. Seriously, her standards are higher than probably any girl I’ve ever known. She is a solid girl. Modest and beautiful. Very righteous. I feel like a super big hypocrite today. I do. And I know all the addicts are going to say, “oh, don’t beat yourself up.” “Oh its okay. You’ve been sober. You’ve done so well.” I have a hard time seeing it like that. Relapsing and acting out is NOT part of recovery. It isn’t.
Well, I will be proud that I have done well recently. But I have to start at day one. I like the milestones. I am okay with being at day 1. I am just going to live for today and then tomorrow and take everything one day at a time.
The biggest concern is what I am going to do with this girl. So far I haven’t brought up that I am a porn addict. I can’t think of a worst topic to bring up. It’s sickening to have to tell someone. It really doesn’t make sense. Some porn addicts are the nicest and most solid guys I know. But we have this strange obsession to view inappropriate images of women. We get in these moments where we are no longer humans but animals. It is kind of deplorable. But it is what it is. I have to be fully working steps 1, 2, 3 daily. The moment I feel I have this addiction whipped is when it whips me. I’m powerless against lust.
So I don’t know.
We even had lunch together today. Yeah, lunch. She was beaming to see me. She texted me afterward how much she enjoyed it. I FEEL LIKE A DANG LIAR! How could I not???? Uh, I don’t know. I don’t even want to tell this girl. I’d rather just dump her. Way toooo much shame to confess.
I like dating. And even relationships. Maybe I need to postpone dating yet again. Maybe I need to put my whole freaking life on hold some more. There are plenty of things to do in life while single. Maybe recovery and sobriety will be one of those things. Sorry I’m feeling a little apathetic and cynical today.
Just have to survive today…… which is hard because I’m burning with cynicism, frustration, and hopelessness.
Warrior, I won't say it's okay. It's not okay. You screwed up. You did. You know you did, you just plain did. It's NOT okay. But, I am going to say, don't beat yourself up. Satan is doing that enough. Don't listen to him. Listen to the voice that says "this does not affect your worth. Come back, come back to Jesus now, He will receive you. He will forgive you. He will lead you back to the path."
ReplyDeleteSorry about your accident! That's horrible. Sorry about all the stress in your life lately. That stuff is legitimate. God can heal that stuff better than addiction can.
You are supposed to be happy and to not be lonely. Dating helps with that. I don't know the answer to that, of course, since I am not God or you, but I do know that your struggles are not the only thing about you. She's not dating "Pornography Addict," she's dating YOU, "Warrior." Something to think about.
Keep truckin! It'll happen. It's happening. And, remember, a slip is not a relapse. A slip is a slip- a tiny piece of time in an eternity of YOU.
This song reminds me of your post.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h_LvbjeVrQs
Sound the bugle now - play it just for me
As the seasons change - remember how I used to be
Now I can't go on - I can't even start
I've got nothing left - just an empty heart
I'm a soldier - wounded so I must give up the fight
There's nothing more for me - lead me away...
Or leave me lying here
Sound the bugle now - tell them I don't care
There's not a road I know - that leads to anywhere
Without a light I fear that I will stumble in the dark
Lay right down - decide not to go on
Then from on high - somewhere in the distance
There's a voice that calls, "Remember who you are"
If you lose yourself - your courage soon will follow
So be strong tonight - remember who you are
Yeah you're a soldier now - fighting in a battle
To be free once more - yeah, that's worth fighting for!
Don't let Satan win. Like Stephanie said, the voices you are hearing do not come from God. Turn to Christ and God - it's the only way.
ReplyDeleteBut seriously, I love your honesty. Hold to it. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with God. You will be ok.
-MM
Hey man - sorry to hear about the recent relapse. It guess it's a good sign that it's so rough this time... if it wasn't rough or you didn't care much that would be bad. Good luck with the time and energy it will take to heal, learn, and get back on your feet.
ReplyDeleteGood luck also with the girl decision. I know it's one you've been dealing with for a looong time. All I would say is, if this girl is falling in love with you, make sure she knows what she's getting into. Some girls can handle it and want to help, others want nothing to do with it... that's her choice to make but I think we need to let them make that choice at some point. I'm not saying you need to tell her now, that's nowhere near my call to make - just at some point before it gets too serious. :) Good luck, give yourself a chance.