Calling it out

I want to get some things out.  I’ve had a decent week. I have some great tools that I have learned over the past several months on how to deflate the lust that is constantly building up. That is how is seems…the lust just naturally builds up. Every thought, every look/glance…it just builds and needs to feed and consume.

The only thing I can counter it with is with truth. With reality. And sometimes this involves calling it out. I have to call it out exactly.  I do this in 3 ways.  I write it out.  I have a little notebook next to my computer at work. Yesterday morning I got triggered by a link to Macy’s. It kills me bc I know there are links to attractive models and clothes and worse items of clothing. I clicked. And looked.  It was immensely appealing. But I declared to myself what I was doing and why I was doing it.  What do I get out of this?? i closed it down (and you addicts know how hard closing the browser can be) And it felt empty. I wrote it out.  I validated my feelings. That I do in fact like viewing that stuff.  I am attracted to it. But then I expressed what I was really feeling.  The feeling under the action.  I crave true intimacy.  Yes, I would like to be in a healthy, intimate marriage. And you know what…there may be times my future wife feels the same.  I actually felt the spirit thinking about that. It ended up not being a trigger for me. To think about the joys and the pureness of what true union and intimacy bring…all this ‘taking’ and ‘lusting’ doesn’t do a DANG THING. It leaves me more empty.

It isn't my desire to be a good, passionate, kind husband some day.  It isn't my desire to have pure marital intimacy.  It is the unnatural craving/obsession/addiction for it.  Lust is asexual. It doesn't care how its fed. It could be alcohol, food, sex, porn.  it truly is cunning and baffling.

Second way: tell god. Tell him EXACTLY how I am feeling and what I am doing. Sometimes just doing this, jostles the brain of how absurb the act is.  Really? Looking at garbage at work and being tempted to act out right there??? Reset the sobriety?? I'm going to feel better about myself after giving in??  Is this time going to be different??  Yeah, doesn’t sound like a good idea then.   Then it is important for me to plead and pour out my soul. I let it go.  He knows. He knows what I’m thinking. He knows that the neurons and chemicals in my brain are out of whack. He knows that. BUT HE WANTS ME TO KNOW IT AND TELL HIM!

Third way: telling someone else. I want to isolate so badly.  I want to slink away and not have anyone be involved in my life. I want to push them out and tell them to deal with their own lives.  And that is exactly when I make a call. J  The White Book talks about that a lot. I called a friend at 7 am, at 1030 am, at 6 pm, and at 830 pm.  I also went to my SA group meeting. I had a bad attitude. I didn’t want to be there and didn’t want to be an addict. I didn’t want to share or say anything.  So what did I do…I shared. And felt the power of a sincere surrender to the group.  We mortals are not meant to suffer alone. Or have joy alone.  What’s the big deal?? Ask yourself…if someone in need called me right now, would I listen to them?? You bet I would.  Well, I think most people feel that way.

Blast, there is so much more I could write about.  I don’t want this to be too long. Who wants to read a long, run on blog post??? Ahaha.  Well, I’m feeling good today.  I made an appointment with my therapist that I haven’t seen since March. I need some additional help. And counsel on what to do next with my life and mostly with the dating situation. Back to the front!

Battle continues...

I know everyone is posting happy Merry Christmas posts but sadly my addiction doesn't seem to give me a break! (i say that with sarcasm!)

I feel pretty good right now. Monday was a mess. It was one of the rougher days i have had in a long while.  My emotions were super off all day.  And looking back... i didn't properly surrender them to God. Sure, i made three phone calls.  Sure, i called my sponsor.  I even went to the library after work and did one hour of writing my inventory.  Here is the issue with a fourth step inventory i realize.  It brings up alot of frustrations, and angers, and resentments.  Man, i thought i was a pretty chill guy, and maybe I am, but when I got writing about certain topics I REALLY could feel the emotions behind them.  The part that i didn't do was the analysis of seeing how those events/principles/persons affect different aspects of my life and also which defects it reveals.   Maybe I am not quite getting the purpose of reliving all this crap....but it is supposed to free us of it and to flush out what are the root causes.  Well, it certainly unveiled a few. Not sure what I do with them.  I commit to keep writing and then do that 5th step....i don't have any fears about that bc I have a great sponsor and a great bishop. But in any event, the whole night was a frustrating battle...and before i wen to bed i gave up fighting. And reset my sobriety. :(


More fears/panics that I had to very audibly surrender in my car today while driving to work include the same old emotions for me.  This whole giving up dating, giving up the obsession of dating for the next long while is still really annoying and really painful.  It depletes me.  I am tired of being alone. I'm tired of being single.  And what makes it worse...I am fully capable of getting dates, and working a relationship.  But that's just the part that I have to come to terms with....I can't feel normal love with this addiction. THAT IS WHAT I HATE MOST!! My mom handed me this Ensign article as i was heading out the door to go home the other night....it was labeled "Agency and Love in Marriage."  It's all about love, and choosing to love, and developing the qualities of charity. I'll be honest, it upsets me. It upsets me that I suck at love. (I'm awesome at lust.) Then all the shame, the self-labeling, the ultimatums (i'll never be able to feel true love), and all that frustrations rear their heads.

I had to stop myself.  I had to look at it straight. This is mortality. This is what i have to go through.  I really can't whine about it. Regardless of the past, and regardless of "how bad the future can get", i just have to put my energies in to today.  I am going to have to let go. Let go of the fact that I can't date.  I can't do relationships.  I have to watch others enjoy it. Watch my older brother raise his four awesome cute kids (p.s. I love kids and want to have my own very badly).  I have to let that all go.  I crave the trust and committment and affection that I had in my last relationship.  I have to let that go.  I have to let go of the fact that there is a girl in my life RIGHT now who wants to be in a relationship with me, and I want to be in with her....but i now can't.  And who knows if she wants to wait around for months.  And i can't even tell her right now except for "well, i am working on some things right now in my life...i'm just not ready for a relationship."  Are the girls buying this???  Let. It. Go.  But when I look at it fairly and honestly, looking past myself....do I really have a full, pure heart to offer her?? Do I have stable emotions?? Do I have a brain that functions normally??  I don't. And that isn't self-bashing. It's just being honest. And I can be okay with it.

I desire sobriety today. I desire recovery. I'll do what I have to. Slowly but surely things are getting better. In many ways. This isn't easy by any means. It's bloody bloody hard. But I am getting better. Still sick, but getting better.  (Heck, i didn't give into the desire to binge for the next 3 days....)

Day 2 today...

What addiction has taught me!

So I was inspired by Nate Q's post

Why doesn't God just take it away? Why does it need to drag out so long?? Seriously, i've been going to SA meetings over 2 years now. I've done my therapy. I've done alot. What more?? Why not now??

I can say that this addiction has robbed me of so much in life...that it took opportunity and happiness away...and whether there is so merit in that...God is teaching me his gospel.

Here is what i have learned:

It is hard learning. But I am now much more willing and submissive. I am more patient (day at a time is frustratingly slow). I have to live more in the moment of each day,  I have to be present and aware of what I do each day.  I don't get to take little lust hits or daydream or fantasize.  I have immense compassion on people who struggle with ANY form of addiction. I understand more about the process of real repentance.  I now connect with my emotions and I TALK to others about them. I have to pray more, be closer to God. I have learned that importance of honesty and to confront the whole truth of issues.  I now enjoy connecting with others, even other men in personal and sometimes vulnerable ways.  I realize that in order to stay sober I have to live by gospel principles: love, humility, kindness, peace, being calm, letting things go, forgiving, allowing forgiveness.

This addiction has taught me the whole gospel.  And you know what...I have A LONG way to go. But I guess that is okay.  I still have to take this one day at a time. I still have to work the steps (which in reality...are simply working the atonement).

Day 30 today (well, it will be 30 when i complete the day....I go by how I finish each day).  I can't even think about tomorrow...I only have to live a life of sobriety and recovery TODAY!

Stresses and fears

I need to get out some things that are setting me up for triggers.  So lately at work, things have been a little dicey.  I made some mistakes (legit mistakes) and they caused me alot of stress last week.  I had to write in my moment-to-moment inventory journal like 3-5 times every day. And make lots of calls.  I am so powerless against inense emotions it isn't funny.  I die without some sort of surrender or gaining strength from others.

I don't like making mistakes.  I don't like to let people down.  I like to be effective and productive at all times.  Right now, all these worries and stresses are distracting me...which leads to be less effective and productive which adds more stress.  Stupid spiral.  I don't like to get hung up on things.  I like to be cool and composed.  For the most part....I am.

A friend told me yesterday that he admires my ability  to not whine or complain about life but to find the positive.  I honestly try to do that....but in the spirit of honest recovery, i need to get out that I am not only powerless against lust but also over my negative emotions.

I am taking a moment to pray, rest my mind, get my stresses out, and to let them go to God as much as I can.

I remind myself that I just need to tackle one task at a time. Just go down the list.  Be thorough and accurate and not stress over the future.  I can't control the future. I can make decisions wisely and correctly today. Right now. Just need to do my tasks now.  I let go of anything other worry.

I'm still struggling to let go of dating. This is more complicated (or so I think) and difficult than i realized.  If i break contact with girls that I am chatting with....what do i tell them??  "uh, i need a break from dating...but i still like you..."  Actually, it really is that easy.  but then I worry about hurting them, or confusing them, or making them feel not important, or all these things I really can't worry about.  I can't worry about that!!!  I went to a party last night and a really cute girl started up a conversation with me. It was really enjoyable. We became friends on facebook right after when we got home and she gave me her number.  AH! Now I have to NOT date her, even though i would LOVE to.  Can i go out once then dump her? Should I just call her up and say "thanks for the chat and giving me your number, we obviously hit it off good and i think you are attractive, but alas I'm addicted to porn and my recovered sexaholic sponsor says I can't date right now. Sorry"

Not to mention a girl that I have already gone out with twice and talk to often whom i REALLY like.  This is a tough sacrifice. I'm kinda in the middle....still chatting but not getting serious...it confuses them and it frustrates me.

i also had a long chat with my mom about addiction stuff on Saturday  She doesn't get why I can't just stop. She asks "Don't you hate this? Don't you want to stop?? Why is this still a problem? Forsake! Forsake this....it is part of repentance."  She's right....my willpower and desires should be enough. I must still find pleasure in pain. I must still like it enough otherwise i would give it up.  Telling my mom that I am powerless over lust....doesn't make a lot of sense.  Doesn't make much sense to me at times.  "lust is cunning, baffling...."

AND....my sponsor is going through ROUGH times right now himself...especially with his marriage and also things from his past. I feel really bad. But i am needy and need the support.  I'm hitting walls with the 4th step. Not making time....but know i should.  It is this thorn in my side...


More stresses from all this to be added for sure..... such is life.

 I desire sobriety today. I desire it. Just for today. I will do what i have to in order to stay sober today. Day 28 today.

A new freedom

So i made a tough decision this weekend but I feel much peace about it.  I feel i've actually managed to let God's will dictate and not mine. I resisted. A good 30 hours straight. I surrendered.

I have decided to ACTUALLY give up dating. Not just say that I am and then go out with girls telling myself "What? We're just friends....this isn't a date."  I am also going to let go of trying to call and to get them to like me.  I prayed all day Saturday about it and received no peace. I went to the temple Saturday night and still had no peace, not even there. I fasted and did an extra long fast. No peace. I got home from church and wrote it all out. Talked to a wise friend in the program. I decided not to tell this girl all my history and past. I didn't feel peace with that option. I wrote her an email that I need to get some things sorted out and that relationships aren't in my best direction RIGHT NOW. I made no promises about the future either. I went down to see her. We had a great time. had dinner. I like this girl. My will is to pursue her and try and get her to like me more.  I am going to give it up.  And she is being understanding about it. (Girls are freaking amazing....how am i just figuring this out??  I used to be so fearful of their reactions)

I feed off attention from females. I'm addicted to it I guess. I admit that here. I'm not necessarily after sex (i'm a virgin). Never even seen a girl naked. In fact, I have never once deliberately touched a girl inappropriately.  Yay for me, right? I deserve to be applauded, right? :)   But i thrive and obsessess over the attention.  The spirit has been working on me that I need to be willing to give that up.  I am not well right now. I will be. I will.  But I had to be willing to give up my will to let God's dictate.  But in my mind...."dating is totally fine! How is this a bad thing?? I only go out with good LDS girls. I don't do anything inappropriate. What is the big deal?" 

The problem here is not my attraction to girls. The problem is not my desire for closeness, trust, and intimacy. The problem is my emotional and mental obsession for female attention to fill a void, or seek some sort of validation from them.

I must let God fill that. Not anyone else. No human being on this planet ought to do that. This is why i crashed after my last break up.

I can no longer think to myself, "i'm going to rack up sobriety days...so that I can get a girlfriend...and then she will be able to like/love me becase I have sobriety."

Nope. I do this for ME.  I do this bc it is my mortal purpose. Sure, i have that future wife in mind. Sure, I have my job in mind.  I even have to let go of all future worries and expectations. I have to embrace the idea that I am going to plan and work for TODAY. I can be sober today.  I know how to win one day. It's not really based on my willpower. (even though i like to think I am a man of great willpower).  I'm like a little toddler who needs to hold his mommy's hand to cross the street. No sense crying about that.  Whatever it takes to cross the street!!!

Day 21 today. ODAAT

Huge breakthrough in recovery

I need to share some more things.  I had a huge yet emotionally painful breakthrough today.

I've had some trouble detaching from things i'm obsessesed about and fully letting go of my will.  Anoni Mouse provided me some fantastic insights to some concerns i shared in my last post.

Two weeks ago my sponsor challenged me to give up dating. To let go of these dependent relationships. I had just broken up with someone and I wanted to tackle dating all over. I was going over the top. That same weekend I had 4 dates planned. Yes, 2 on Friday and 2 on Saturday. It was brilliantly orchestrated. I thought I was "god's gift to women."   I cancelled all 4 and I deleted my online dating account.

There was one particular girl that I didn't want to give up.  I like this one. alot. We chatted effortlessly on the phone for hours. Every night. I went out with her last week. Good times!  We had a date planned for today.

Last night and also this morning, i had a distinct feeling (a knot) that I needed to let her go. I needed to cancel the date.  I need to be willing to follow my sponsor and give something up.

I was frustrated!! I've had to do this many times before! Arg!! I wanted to go out with this girl.  I daydreamed all week about how we're going to get married. (All this fantasy and anti-reality).  I had to let it go.  i've been telling God over the past few weeks that I desire sobriety and that i'll turn my will over to him. It works. It really really works.

But what about this?? about dating??   (I'm not even using it for sexual motives!!!)

So i texted the girl (i wasn't ready to try and explain it all in a phone message).  I cancelled. It really sucked. She was a little confused and sad. She accepted it but I could tell that she was sad bc we had clicked so well. That hurt. I cried. I bailed and bailed. All the while, I was driving to an SA meeting. It was a great meeting.

The spirit of recovery was there.  I talked with two different guys afterward.  Just like Anoni Mouse told me....you have to completely give up.  I am so beaten. I am so powerless.  I cannot do this alone.  Not even relationships can heal me.  Not even good, beautiful relationships can heal me.  Not even my own God-give intellect and talents can heal me.  ONLY GOD CAN!!!

I am now ready and willing to let Him.  His will be done.  (if he tries to get me to give up cycling....I'm going to really throw a little tantrum.  I gave up riding on Sunday but not altogehter!!)

Day 19 today. I only have to do what it takes to be sober and in recovery TODAY. (what a relief!)

Another post

I'm feeling a little emotional right now. I think these blogs don't always depict our real story.  Jane wrote me a comment that said that. We kinda put our worse in these blogs at times. 

I am just kinda down. My mom has been wanting to get to together and always wants to know how i'm doing. I've been really struggling the past month. Conversations with her about 'everything' have not turned out well.  At all.  I don't discuss this addiction. Ever. I don't even discuss successes or recovery.

well, I wrote her an email and laid out the honest truth.

She wrote me back and thankfully wasn't angry with me.  She is certainly mad at this addiction. She hates it.  It nearly ruined her marriage. It causes so much pain. I get overwhelmed thinking about all the pain this has cause.  I called a friend from my SA group and he expressed how fed up he it with this. And losing. over and over.  He is sick of religion and God....all of that seems to fail us. over and over.

I am tired of being alone. I am tired of not being able to feel like I am worth a damn to get married. I have alot to offer! I'm not trying to brag or boast.  I am a solid guy.  I believe deeply in God and in the church.  I work hard in life.  I don't believe in freebies (except maybe food or cookies) I can go on dates easy. I can get girls to like me.  BUT I CAN'T CURE MYSELF OF THIS ADDICTION! It is so rooted in me. It is frustrating. Recovery is frustrating. And so slow. 

 I am not going to give up. I can't.  If i give up....I'll end up with prostitutes or something. I'll probably wind up committing suicide or getting knived in a parking lot.  Ok, that might be dramatic, but this addiction is a progressive disease. If left alone....It only gets worse. One line crossed after another.

I desire sobriety today. I can do today. I can feel these emotions. I can express them and let them go. It's hard to plan out the whole future but I can stay sober today. I can keep trying to "clear away the wreckage" of my past. It's going to take time. I don't really know what the end goal it.  Recovery??? Perfection??  I don't know how good I have to be.

I recently started chatting with a new girl that I really like. We've been out once and we chat for hours on the phone. I'm already uneasy about how I am going to bring up the addiction. Nate Q suggests do it before things get serious.  I've heard that from my old therapist Maurice as well. I choose not to worry about it right now, but the thought always lingers. I used to sabotage every relationship i ever had to avoid the chat. Well, I've done it with two relationships and both times the girls wanted to keep dating. Go figure.

Day 17 today. ODAAT!

Mini Rock Bottom

I feel really good today. I don't say, "I've got this...I'm cured!!"  heck no.

I hit a mini rock bottom this past weekend.  So I attended my usual group meeting on Thursday. The topic was step 3. It is all about making the decision to give our wills over to the care of God.  I have been full of self-will lately. I've been hurting emotionally (which i hate), so i harden my heart, say"screw it", and try to run my own life.  I resist! I don't want someone else to run my life. I WANT TO RUN IT!! I'M IN CHARGE! ME MEMEMEME.

Well, the spirit of the meeting really hit me....the reading especially.  It clearly pointed out that if you can't turn your will over, then you haven't done steps 1 and 2 properly.  What??  I did those steps!! I checked the boxes off.

Step 1; admit you are an addict.

After the meeting, my sponsor says, "Hey, do you think you belong here? I think you're still on the fence. I think you don't really feel like you are admitted."

Ouch.

I spent some time alone the next day and really pondered that.  I also had to cancel the dates that i had planned that weekend. I'm out of control.  My life is unmanageable. I concluded to pull the reigns on dating for the time being. I'll go out here and there but the 3 dates a weekend has to stop.  I'm addicted to the obsession of chasing girls and having them like me. It's like some challenge or something. I love a good challenge (except for addiction....it's a challenge i can't win on my own merits)

Folks, I need the recovery program.  I need to admit daily that i cannot use MY thinking to get out of this mess.  My thinking got me IN this mess.  I surrender. I give up. I went through withdrawals Friday night and also Saturday. I felt like a heroine addict in rehab.


So, I set up a "daily renewal" phone call system. Every morning I call another guy at 7 am and also at 9 am; we admit we are powerless, state that we desire sobriety and that we will do whatever necessary to protect that desire, and give our wills to God......FOR THE NEXT 24 HOURS!!

I can only worry about today. Not tomorrow.  I just have to live the steps of recovery (aka the gospel of Jesus Christ for dummies) for the next 24 hours.  Tomorrow I will surrender again.


And....I am sober today. I was sober yesterday.  I'm not done....never done.  And you know what....that's okay!! ahhhh,.....

What is the big deal with honesty??

So i read Andrew's latest post on AddictSpeak.  And I hear so much about lying and minimizing and half truths.  Why do we do this??  And why does everyone want so much honesty??

Just a start...I very, very much agree that honesty is MANDATORY for recovery. I am not saying otherwise.  When I connect with other addicts in recovery and stay out of isolation, attend meetings, share openly and exactly what I am dealing with....somehow i win. Somehow I don't look at garbage and MB.

But sometimes we lose. Sometimes we get a bit lax in doing dailies. What then??  It is very obvious to me that porn addiction is extremely damaging to women. Even more so to someone that is closely connected to me. I'm not married, but in my last relationship i very much felt the pain of what a relapse means.  i've also been reading these blogs over the past couple of years. I need to remind myself often why this is so wrong and so bad.....or we do what Andrew mentions "our little problem."

With that said, WE HATE CAUSING MORE PAIN. That is the bottom line. We hate bringing this topic up. I can't even bring it up with my mom anymore. It isn't even worth it.  I'm so glad i'm not married to her. She loses it every time. And it is VERY true that we minimize things. I do. I do it all the time.  I hate that i am addicted. I hate being defeated at something. It doesn't sit right with a man who wants to do everything right (not just me).

Also, sometimes we feel we can't win. That is tough for us to admit.  Last thursday at my SA meeting, a man shared his first step inventory. His rock bottom was when he told his wife that he can't win anymore. I felt completely hopeless and that he was living to die. We get in these positions!! But SOMEHOW his wife benefited.

Now to the other question:  Why does honesty mean so much to the women?? 
I actually can't quite answer this.

I will say from experience that somehow it makes it better. Somehow, no recovery or healing or trust can resume until you get it all out.  AND...report every relapse.  I made sure I did it every time. You know what...it did hurt her every time. It did. It sucks. This addiction HURTS people. But she really appreciated it. A therapist once told me, "The woman doesn't want to be the coach, she just wants to be in the huddle."

I believe it.

Also, I don't feel it necessary (others may disagree) that you don't need to give graphic details but just enough to be fully honest.  That's what my support group of recovering addicts is for.  i be detailed and fully honest with them. I don't need to simply dump on a girl.  Accountability not mere confessions.

Anyway, just some thoughts. I'm trying to figure all this out myself.  I dread having to relay this to the next girl I date. it's such a thorn in my side.  I hope and pray often that I can continue to recover and also that the right girl will be willing to stay with me. What more can I do?

Starting all over

Ok, I really don't know if this blog is worth a dang or not.  I keep a journal (3 in fact....one for general posts, one for my venting/triggers in the moment, and my step 4 inventory journal.)  I don't really need this blog.

And to be honest, I feel kinda lame that it is on so many other people's blogs.  At first, I liked having it there.  I thought I was a real expert on recovery, that i was providing the "guy's view." But honestly, I can't offer any marital advice and my recovery strength is limited.

 I'll be the first to admit that I am just as addicted as any other addict.  I wholeheartedly confess that I am powerless against lust on my own.

I gave up last week. A week and a half ago, i broke up with my girfriend of almost 8 months.  I felt okay about the decision. It was a great relationship. I have no regrets. I know it was what we both needed. I am not going to go into all the details but the bottom line was....I wasn't feeling marriage. I just wasn't. And that's okay...i felt peace about the decision. She took it hard but she understood. That's part of dating.  (addiction or no addiction). And i was very careful not to make that decision based on my addiction. She knew all about it and still wanted to marry me. (an absolute miracle....)

Being addicted to lust, porn, MB (as i prefer to put it) does not define me.  It is not who I am. I am way more than that.  I really am a solid guy who cares deeply about others and the world.  I am simply diseased.

After we broke up, I felt like my reason to fight (and I have to fight daily) was gone. I stayed very strong during our relationship bc I didn't want addiction to be apart of it. This entire past week, I got apathetic. I didn't care.  I kinda felt like I could just "take a week off."

On Sunday, I felt the spirit distinctly. Somehow God still loves me immensly and can still forgive me as fast as I come to him with a broken heart (which i did).  I met with the bishop too. He knows the whole story.  He's sad about the relationship (he liked the girl) but wants me to keep fighting.  He sees more hope in me than sometimes I do. It is tough.....to lose at something over and over and over again.  It is downright freaking frustrating to be so immensly drawn to something so vile and so degrading. I know it's wrong. I know its disgusting. But yes, it is pleasurable. Man, it is pure selfishness.  But Sunday....I thought long and hard about this spiral down i was going in and realized....IT IS NOT WHAT I WANT.

I read the women's blogs and I ache for them. I am so sorry about their husbands. It is just so sad. You women are so pure and many have saved that part of yourselves to fully express it for when you were first married. I want to still be able to offer that to a girl someday....whenever that is.  It is this intangible goal at the moment, but I desperately want to be ready for her.  I fully commit now to be honest and true and not manipulate and twist things and hurt her!!!!  I don't want that at all!!!  I'll die single before i even do that!!!


Day 2 today..... I'll take another 24 with God. :)

Slowly winning...

I needed to make a quick post.  I am kinda hitting walls.  i am at a cross roads.  I can't seem to make a decision.  I am not good at decision that have other people involved.  I am still an addict.  I am still completely powerless against lust.  I am not powerless against my behavior.  But my reaction to certain triggers...sometimes it is what it is.  People allergic to peanuts are going to react to peanuts. 

But I am not getting hopeless.  I can still take this a day at a time, and let God help me clear the wreakage.  This stuff goes deep.  I am convinced that any issue we never dealt with....never goes away.  I feel that goes for all people.  My girlfriend's mom had a father that didn't pay her much attention.  Now, she's older and still suffers the effects of it.  Can we change?? How long does it take?? 

I have been in a relationship with an absolutely stellar girl for 7 months now.  We get the question. "so...when's the wedding??"  We have talked about it.  Sometimes it's fun to talk about. Planning a future and all.  But when I think of this addiction and what it does to us....forget it.  Having faith is hard.  I'm not going to sugar coat that. And it also doesn't help that I don't get clear answers on marrying her when I pray or attend the temple.  Sometimes I feel I was meant to meet her so we could learn and then be prepared for something else. I'm struggling to hold on to the relationship.

Is marriage one big act of faith???  It seems so.  I read several of the women out there who were stoked to be married, some knew the "secret" and some didn't.  But just the same they loved the man enough to commit their lives to him.  That is a huge responsibility on our end.

I continue to pray and seek recovery the best i can.  It's tough. It's the hardest thing i've ever done. Giving up well-rooted fears is equally challenging.  I am going through the fourth step and I realize more and more how much pain and anger I have harbored.

I am still winning (some battles are barely won) Some days I want to give in and stop resisting, but I plead and pray to God to let it pass. .  I confess it out loud. I make calls and connect with another human being.  Sometimes it goes away quickly....sometimes, not so quick.

I can do this with help and power of God.

"I can do all things through Christ which strengthenth me."

Day 45 today...

SA retreat and thoughts

This past weekend I attended an SA retreat. SA stands for sexaholics. Yep, I go to the meetings.  SA is solid. It is honest.  It is rigorous.  It works when I work it.  We had a recovery 'guru' named Harvey come in.  i say "guru" because he knows recovery but he wouldn't claim for a second that he is cured and that he has all the answers.  The guy has done the worst of the worst.  But after 28 years of sobriety and traveling the world with his wife, I would say that he is doing pretty dang good.

The theme was "positive sobriety".  Harvey makes the case that we can't simply fight this battle out of fear.  Fear of losing the job.  Fear of losing the wife and kids.  Fear certainly helps but is the the cure.  (Sometimes we get a secret thrill from the fear....cutting corners/getting away with risky act outs)

He quotes the white book, "taking the actions of love; giving back; making the real connection."


I will wholeheartedly support that.  I stay sober when I CONNECT with the real world and with real people and my real pains/defects.  1 - I connect by building a relationship with my God.  I pray to him often and let him know my struggles.  I surrender my lust to him.  2 - I connect with my SA support group (great group of guys!!).  I make calls when things get rough.  I have to connect. Or i die.  it's that simple.  And we have to be honest and sometimes explicit to be real.  (Maybe not with non-addicts...but especially with our sponsors or support group. )  I connect with other human beings...in non-sexual ways!!   3 - I connect with myself and who I really am and with what i truly love in life.

I feel alot of love and the spirit when I share positive moments with my girlfriend.  When I let go of fears and stupid lust, I feel closer to her.  I will be in recovery today, bc the feelings I get from being with her totally trump the addiction.  The addiction is certainly pleasureable. It is.  I wouldn't do it if it wasn't.  But it's so fake.  I can talk to my girlfriend, connect with her, hold her in my arms, and lovingly kiss her....AND IT ALL FEELS GREAT....with no guilt attached!!


Harvey also points out that we have a DISEASE. like cancer. Like a heroin addiction.  People we need to grasp this.  And NOT be hopeless about it.  Cancer patients have two choices: choose to get treatment and fight to live, or do nothing and slowly die.  I may never be cured of an allergy to lust.  I may never get to watch PG-13 movies with those "scenes" anymore.  I may not be able to watch ordinary TV like most people.  I am not in a position to get a smart phone.  I'm too allergic.  You think people allergic to peanuts like it?? At first no...but they get used to it.   What about you gluten-free people?  I had a roommate in college who was lactose intolerant.  Yeah, sometimes he ate ice cream or drank milk....BUT IT MADE HIM SICK! (and gave him terrible gas...:(

Harvey also is very grateful.  He writes a grateful list to God every morning.  He strives to give back.  He strives to experience emotions. 

Sometimes we addicts can't rely on our brains.  OUR BRAINS GOT US IN THIS MESS. Sometimes we have to do things we don't "think" we should do.


Recovery is a day at a time program.  For me, it is one moment at a time.  My brain is constantly being triggered and constantly wants to resort to the drug.  I've done it the past 13 years.  I am retraining how I do everything and how I think.  I give up my desire my the lust and the fix and the fantasy.  i'm so powerless against all of it.  But I can survive and even heal with God. 

Today is day 33.  ODAAT.  This is all slow going, but I want to keep going.  I want to win every day the rest of the year.  but even with the loftiest goals....I can only win now.  I can only surrender negative emotions and carnal desires TODAY.

Update

I felt a need to check and write some thoughts.  A lot has happened in the past month.  Life goes on.  I officially hit my half-year anniversary (6 months if you should know) with my relationship. What a roller coaster. We have worked through some very hard things.

Three weeks ago we had a rough week.  I was getting bombarded with temptations and lust. The relationship is a source of stress for me, along with training for races that I do.  I can be so selfish in what I want to do in life.  The relationship seems to "get in my way."  I didn't fight much that week.  I went the whole week getting beat every day. Even after one night where we had a serious chat. She was planning on going with me up to a race i was doing that required spending the night.  The conversation we had that Friday I will never forget. (I now understand what some of you have been through).

I had a terrible act out the night before.  No MB but plenty of viewing. Nothing extreme but enough to destroy my senses and soul.  I was devastated and disgusted with myself.  I knew of our trip, but I had to tell her.  I am rubbish at holding things in. She comes over. Very bothered. It hurt. It hurt us both.  She explained to me that she wouldn't be coming. She told me flat out how bad it hurt her. She is understanding and supportive but she doesn't have to tolerate this.  I wholeheartedly agreed.  She gave me the ultimatum that I'm sure many have shared... either you choose addiction or you choose me.  I am very very glad that she has the strength to confront me like that and express how she feels.

I have been battling the absolute best that I can since then.  It's a miracle she still wants to duke this out with me.  It's beyond me.  We've decided to keep dating since we just plain like each other.  In fact, we love each other. But at the same time, we are not going to get engaged or move in the marriage direction until we are absolutely sure. 

Come to find out, she is finding that she has plenty of personal issues to work on. Fortunately her issues wont keep her out of the temple or destroy a family.  When she gets real stressed, she becomes real unpleasant to be around. I'm not being mean saying that and she might agree.  Last week for example, I had a day where i ran into considerable temptations and had to pray and plead with God and make some calls.  I barely survived the day.  I was feeling great that evening when I say her.  She was in this stressed, not-very-conversational mood.  She didn't seem stoked to see me.  I went home all upset and bummed. I have real issues with self-pity as i am seeing.  but she called and apologized and we felt better. I went to the temple Friday and felt better feelings for her. We ended up having a great weekend.

Funny how having the spirit, not being selfish, and living in recovery increases my ability to have love and improves life all round.  Any of our weaknesses can be thorns in our sides/relationships.


But everything comes down to the day. To the moment.  All the knowledge in the universe is good, but if we react poorly in the moment....doesn't seem to matter.  I still have to plead with God in every tought spot. Make a call. Reach out. Lust thrives in negative emotion and secrecy. 

What is the woman's role??

ok, I am needing some advice.  I have been out of the blogging for a while which I was okay with doing.

Things in my relationship have improved quite a bit.  I am still somewhat of a basket case but I am doing my absolute best.  Our communication has been great and our feelings stronger than ever.  I seriously love this girl quite a bit.  We have had some very special moments that have kept us going. 

This past week was rough for me.  After two back to back trips (and being away from her), being tired, and careless, I had a bad fall. I lost all desire to resist.  It was not fun.  But I called my sponsor the next day and planned how to discuss things wiht the girlfriend.  We ended up having a fantastic Friday and Saturday.  I just didn't find a convenient time to bring it up (is it ever convenient?)  So it wasn't until Sunday night that I relayed what had happened.  It brought alot of tears and frustration.  From me.  And not so much from her. This girl is so solid.  She sees the big picture.  She is willing to take a chance on me bc she knows my potential and knows how hard I am working at this recovery.  Needless to say it was a long conversation. But ended with good feelings.  I have so much love for her.  I can hardly believe that I am able to feel this way.  First time in my life.


Now to my question, How does she support me in recovery?? What can/should she do??

   I am super uneasy about how involved she gets.  I am going to recovery meetings once a week. I've been doing that since before I met her.  I am working the steps with a sponsor.  I have guys I call.  I take inventories when I run into trouble.  I surrender.  I meet with the bishop.  But she wants to be apart of the team.  Not a coach, but in the huddle.  (more Maurice talk).


What do you women do??  Not do??  Should I ask anything from her at all?? 

I let her know what day I am on and I report any struggles or losses that i had (preferrably that same day).  I want to be open and honest and not have all the lies and secrets. She even mentioned the other day how she might be interested in doing the steps with me, but do them for her own insecurities (isn't she awesome?)

anyway, just throwing it out there
Warrior

A break from blogging

So I think i'm going to take a little break from blogging.  I have enjoyed hearing your thoughts and learning from your perspectives.  I have even emailed a few of you and you've all given me great advice. 

My recovery goes on.  I continue with my group.  I cracked last Tuesday. Wasn't doing all the dailies the beginning of that week. My emotions were off the day before.  Lust hit and I just didn't think or react fast enough. It was all over in about 15 minutes. I was completely dazed. But I contacted people from my support group, called my sponsor, set up an appointment with the bishop, and let my girlfriend know.  I felt bad but I didn't feel destroyed.  I have learned that the lies, the secrecy are the worst part.  Yes, it would be nice to be 100% perfectly sober for the next 5 years, but I can only handle this one day at a time. It is frustratingly slow. My girlfriend didn't guilt me, didn't hate me.  She doesn't like it one bit but overall she is very proud of me. That makes me want to get back on my feet and keep going even better.

Yesterday I was reading a new blog and I realized that I often let the things i read affect me too much.  I feel like unless i'm 100% perfect like i mentioned, I'm going to do nothing but destroy the wife, she'll always be mad at me, and life will be miserable.  I feel like my future marriage will be just like my parents, which was absolutely horrible when i was a teenager. I read things and say to myself, "horrible!!  I am never getting married!!  Stupid terrible addiction!!  I'll recover alone!!" 

 But it occured to me, and talking to my girl, that it doesn't have to be that way.  I did tell her that if she intends on being in my life she is going to have to accept the fact that i may have to be gone once or twice a week for a meeting.  I may have to do life differently.  We will have to be cautious on everything we watch.  We will have to have a lot of rules in place.  It could very well be a rough ride.  I wrote all this in a long email, but she doesn't have issues with that.  She isn't looking at the short term but more on the long term which gives me alot of confidence.

I have noticed that alot of the posts lately have been more and more positive, more strength, a lot of discussion on boundaries, alot of hope, and alot of the WofPA healing/detaching and not all about the husband's addiction.  I guess in a strange and difficult way, the addiction of someone else is causing you to work the atonement on your own level.  That is what the 12 steps have been for me.  "the Atonement for Dummies"


With that said, I'll have to check in every now and then, but I am going to pursue recovery and my relationship on what works for me and the girl.  If I get down dire straits, I guarantee i'll be back on the blog getting it all out.

Day 7 today. One day at a time.  I don't fear life or loss or recovery or even marriage anymore. I am hopeful for life....which i haven't felt in a long time.

Relationship help

Ok, love doesn't make any sense.  Is that the idea??  How do people honestly pull off getting married??  I'm stumped. It seriously must be one big act of faith.  This blog is going from my recovery blog to my dating up and downs blog. I think the two may be related.

I post about falling in love.  Well, going back to last Friday, things weren't so clear cut.  Friday evening, me and my girl go to the temple. This is actually the third time. I don't know if going to the temple with the girl you are dating is 'no bueno' but the first two times were awesome.  This time wasn't. I felt alot of discomfort and no peace.  I was frustrated feeling this. I thought we were doing well.  Is it me?? Is it my fears?? Is it my addiction?? Is it our relationship?? Is it her??  Kinda hard to come to any conclusion when she is right there.  She could instantly tell I was off.  She closes up. When she closes up she is no fun. Kinda snippy. Doesn't smile. Doens't talk.  (hmm, i think I have read wives of addicts doing this before....)

Saturday we had to go to her brother's wedding. I had already committed to going. I wanted to go. I met all the family. I was in pictures. I was the boyfriend.  The ride up together was real trivial. She didn't warm up until the end of the event.  (I don't blame her honestly....I am still amazed she wants to put herself through all this....good thing girls focus on the potential and not just the moment)

I had this lingering impression to tell her that I needed to pull back a bit  (a break? a step back) .  I was worried how I was going to put it because I don't know if this is all the girl hears.."blah blah blah....I want to break up".  I just need a few days by myself to figure out what im feeling!!!  This is NOT easy for me!!  I am a recovering lust addict!!  good grief, too many emotions in such a short time!!

Sunday. awkward chat.  I expressed i need a break. A few days of little contact.  She was hurt. Not too happy but respected my wishes. I felt some peace with this.

 Monday and Tuesday were kinda rough. I didn't realize how attached i was.  I called a few friends. Called my mom.  Everyone seems to say the same thing. "don't bail on this girl....like you've done every time before!!  Don't make decisions based on fear!!"

well, so i feel really stuck.  Can't run from the girl.  Can't let myself relax with her.

She comes over last evening.  "I just want to hug you. You don't have to talk.  I'll be only 5 minutes then I have to go to something."


4 hours later, after little real talking, alot of cuddling, even more kissing, and after struggling to say good night bc it is bloody late, she goes home.  Yeah, she completely skipped what she had to go to.

so here we go....I couldn't seem to communicate verbally, but I love the physical affection. First time for me with a girl. I lived in fantasy land my whole life.

Am I doing this all wrong??  Is it super wrong that I really like holding this girl close and kissing her??  (we don't do ANYTHING inappropriately)  Is it bad that I feel alot of love and feelings and passions when we are affectionate and sometimes don't feel much else where???

but just the same...day 111 today. Still rolling forward. Still one day at a time.

Step 3

I read some great things this morning and wanted to post them.

Step 3 (in SA book):  Made a decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God as I understood Him.

Here are the realities that I now accept. (Doing a thorough step 1 inventory helped on this):  I am powerless over lust and all its forms: fantasizing, anything pornographic/stimulating.  I am just useless on my own, in my own head.  Luckily, I am now truly believing that God can and will restore me to sanity and recovery.

This step is practicing surrender.  Anytime I make a call or connect with someone else, I am surrendering.  Here's an example.  Yesterday I ran into some trouble at work.  I was lusting bad.  I wanted to 'drink' some images....anything really.  I was 'thirsty!"  I had to stop. I had to admit how insane I was acting.  I had to leave the room and call my sponsor.  At first, I didn't even think beyond that.  As I talked to him i explain I was making a call, that I was lusting and didn't know why.   We talked a bit.  We discussed some of the things I was feeling.  I felt a little better. But I wasn't done here..

I went back to the office and surrendered specifically.  "There is no surrender in the abstract."  I outlined to God exactly what I was lusting after.  I prayed for the objects of my lust.  That is all they have become "objects."  Whether be an actual woman, a smell, a shape, a sound, any trigger will do.  I then prayed for that person and apologized for taking.  Lust is taking.  Lust is stealing as my sponsor described.   It doesn't matter if that person chooses to dress inappropriately or even if that person is virtual or if that person wants to be lusted after, it is still stealing.  Love is giving.  Love is outward.

I also assessed how I was feeling and why.  I didn't stress over it.  I am no psychologist, but we can tell what things are going on. Sometimes even just saying what I am feeling to God or to someone else is enough even without the analysis.  Sometimes half the battle is simply admitting that you are "off."


It is okay to be off. I am powerless over myself even.  The third step is about letting go.  Letting go of ourselves.  Letting go of all the crap I have done over the years.  Letting go of your fears. Letting go of trying to control everything.   And letting God.  Letting God work his will.   I just have to make the decision for now. I just have to be humble and submissive, which isn't so hard now....I've been beaten to the ground trying to battle this.  I have failed pursuing my will hundreds of times.

I also commit and decide to work the rest of the steps of the program and accept the advice of my sponsor.

Day 104 today.  Always one day at a time.

Falling in love????

Ok, I need to post.  I also need to be doing a million other things, but I need to get this out.

Am I am love??? 


Ok, I don't claim to be an expert on anything.  I am a pretty sharp guy, I can recount useless facts and can solve algebra problems quite fast, but with in the realm of love/relationships.....who knows?

Here is the latest.  I have been dating (yes, i am still in it) for 3.5 months now.  It has easily been the best relationship I have ever had.  The past few weeks have really risen to a new level.


I shared back on May 30th about how my feelings changed over the weekend of a backpacking trip. We saw each other everyday that entire week.  It was awesome.  Then we spent quite literally the entire weekend together.  (no i did not spend the night with her though) Then that Sunday, June 3, I had this burning desire in my heart to tell her that I loved her.  No, not necessarily that I am now in love with her and that I want to marry her, but I was bursting at the seems to express a little more than "hey, i like you."

I kinda fumbled it but I said it.  And I think I really meant it.  She was beaming and even got a little teary eyed.  (she is a strong girl and doesn't cry much in front of me).  It was pretty aweseome. She expressed similiar feelings.

The next day, Monday June 4th, she comes with me to my parent's house for my brother's birthday party. We had a tough discussion with my sister who is no longer interested in religion.  I went home with a lot of frustration in my heart. I have some really deep rooted frustrations and pains in me. Deeper than I realize at times.  I have buried stuff a long time.  I couldn't speak. I was tense.  My girl held my hand. patiently and tenderly.  She is a god send!  I finally let down my walls.  I let it go.  (and we followed with the most beautiful snuggle and kissing session ever!)

The next day...same thing.  then the rest of the week...my emotions were so off. I called my mom and explained how my feelings don't work and that I can't date this girl anymore.  (good grief...I'm the moody girl in this relationship).  I didn't see her until Saturday. Come to find out later....she struggled that week.  She felt I had lost interest. She closed up too.  We don't do well when we don't have consistent reassurances.

Then that Saturday, (i was a little nervous) she comes to the door and I fell in love with her all over again. Her embrace was a little weak. We sat and just chatted at first.  Eventually we couldn't resist and held each other for a good hour. We spent the whole day together again.  She spent all day Sunday with me again up at my parents and met alot of my family that was in town that day. Everyone loves her. (i guess I do too!)

We have felt some awesome feelings.  We hold each other for hours and even the kisses are better. (honestly I didn't think we could top that Monday night, but this past Sunday trumped even that night!)


This is a fruit of recovery!!  I can feel love again!!  I tell my girl that as much as I can.  She has changed my entire world.  I don't know what happens next.  Nothing is a slam dunk.  We had a tough talk last night. I still have alot of pains to root out and clean out.  Shared some personal fears....her included.  She really fears that I will leave her and she is afraid to admit that she needs someone else. But we are committed to learning and working at this. 

Love does require a bit of work after all.

Was it always so up and down for y'all?? 

 (not talking about the addiction periods but the beginnings and/or even during the healing...)

day 97 today!!!  One day at a time.  I am excited for group tonight

The mind of the addict

I was thinking about something awesome that Maurice taught me a while back.  I didn't quite understand fully what he meant but now that I am enjoying some small amount of recovery I do so more.

He gives some killer lessons on how the brain works and especially the addict mind.  first and foremeost the brian is designed to be efficient.  It prefers to create neural pathways that require little work to connect to.  for example, viewing pornographic material and masturbating produce some incredible chemicals in the brain.  Since the brain receives such a release of dopamine and other chemicals it wants to repeat those results as easily as possible.  when life gets rough or boredom sets in or any other trigger, the brain gets more efficient and producing those same reults.  The whole science behind any addiction is that the brain has rewired itself to get what it 'needs'

Like I have posted before, the root of the addiction is lust and negative emotions that where never dealt with properly.  Acting out is simply going with the flow of the brain.  It is easy.  It feels good. honestly right in the moment it is better than a large bar of belgian chooclate. The only problem is that it becomes more and more a driving desire, and requires more and more to get the adequate fix. It is degenerative in every way.

But we realize how unmanageable that style of life is.  how miserable it is.  Being a prisoner is so exhausting.  We can't hardly connect with others in any way. So we get the proper help.  surrender.  work the steps in humility.


Maurice speaks of 5 levels of the brain.  The first two levels are the states that are just below the conscious level.  whether men admit it or not, we are feeling emotions on the first two levels pretty much every moment of our lives.  level 1 are emotions that simply are.  they aren't necessaily good or bad.  It is constantly going through our system.  level 2 are emotions that are negative but ones that we often believe.  It may be a bit of resentment.   A bit of stress.  A bit of anger about something else. The idea is to become more and more attuned to what the brain is doing at these first two levels.  I think the better question to ask an addict is not  "what are you thinking" but "what are you feeling??"  "What are you experiencing at this moment??"  This requires a great deal of careful consistent training and practice.  Like sports or triathlon training.

Level 3 is much more familar.  it is the first conscious thought. After we experience some mixed emotions and a trigger sets in,  the brain offers us a little thought.  "hey why not go act out."  alot of times these deviant thoughts are just the brain doing what we programmed it to do.  However, often Satan himself likes to throw these in there. This is usually where we think we need to fight our battles.  This is usually where we try and "get back on track."  The only problem is that at this point, there are already some deviant chemicals going through the brain.

 Level 4 is having the 'retarded conversation'.  it goes something like this, "hey so you pondered my suggestion from level 3, what you going to do? go find some garbage to look at."  then we respond  "no I am not going to, but it would be rather nice right now....I mean I am a little off.  But no, i promised my wife/bishop that i'd be clean."  The addict brain continues to plead the case.  Then the whole body makes its way to a computer still having this 'conversation'  we say to ourselves "Ok I will just check my email."  "I just want to go to sports illustarted because i like the sports updates." or "I just want to watch a little cable TV....noone is here at the house and I need a break."

Mix that with some more chemicals/deviant thoughts and an image here and there and the brain is tipped over the edge.  This is level 5.  This is the screw it moment.  At this point, our families, our jobs, being arrested, don't really matter.  Brain sorta just takes over.  Not a lot of rational thinking at this point.  In fact, the blood stream that supplies the pre-frontal cortex (rational thinking part of brain)  is shut off. 

levels 5-10 don't need any explanation...it is full animal addict mode. We get what the brain needs and life continues but we now feel like s**&^.


The greatest reason I am making any progress is that I am learning to keep my brain on levels 1 and 2.  I assess how I am actually feeling all the time.  When I'm getting tempted and attacked, I have to stop and assess what things am I feeling.  what lead to this attack??  Is it simply Satan throwing a cow pie at me??  I feel it.  I surrender it to god. i tell someone else.  If it persists then i alter my enviornment.  I repeat the process until my brain can resume properly.   I somehow don't explode if I don't act out. I survive.

I have to admit that this is insanely hard. Especially when life throws so many wrenches in your routine. There never seems to be a break.  That is why we just have to win one moment at a time.  One day at a time. Day 90 today. Maybe i'll get one of those cool 90 day chips tonight at group. Yipee!

Lessons Learned Lately

So I am learning some things in recovery. Not necessarily things I have never known before but things that are becoming more apparent.  I went on a real fun trip this past weekend.  A 5 day backpacking trip with some buddies.  I had some good time to ponder while in some beautiful scenery. I definitely felt God's love and presence.

I was chatting with my girlfriend last night. (we are hitting our 3 month mark dating this weekend....not a big deal to some but this is the longest relationship I have ever stuck with...and I'm 27.)  Kinda out of no where she starts talking about some of the "talks" she had over the weekend while I was gone.  I knew that she had discussed things with her mom and also her sister n law.  This time she had a long chat with her older brother. (I am refering to her talking about dating a boy who is an addict).  Her brother is a very spiritual person and actually works in a respectable position for the Church.  But even he is not immune to the plagues of P/M, so he was able to give her some sound advice.  She also had a thorough chat with her bishop.

At first, I was bothered.  Not so much about her getting some support.  I have seen from reading everyone's blogs that women HAVE to bond and connect with other women.  I am okay with all that. But b/c it is such an unpleasant thing to talk about. It just bothers me.  This girl has alot of faith and confidence in me.  I have been really good to be open and to share and allow her to be apart of this.  We both know that she can't fix it or really do anything, but she likes to feel involved.  I am beginning to see that women want to fight the battles together. They want to know what we are feeling. They want to know when we struggle.  They don't need to know the details, but updates.

Anyway, I am going through step 2 right now in the program and have been thinking alot about God restoring me to sanity.  I am struggling with this.  I don't know what I expect him to do.  I have spent the past several years trying to run my life like a well-oiled business.  I have schemes and plans and schedules and lists of my triggers and how to react in every situation. I do quite well in most every area of my life.  But the idea of letting God work his magic on me, I am at a loss.  I like to track progress.  Maybe that's why I like the "days of sobriety".  It is a number.  Just like I know what my mile split is in a 5K.  Or I like to know how long my hike is...10.1 miles or 5.5 miles round trip.  And what's the elevation change.  And what's my projected heart rate. Or in school...when is a project due...what is my grade...what are the test scores.   But with recovery...how do you gauge it??  I still feel like I need another 6 months of solid sobriety before I can forgive myself and fully love myself.  I don't feel like I have 'earned' it.  I don't get the award or get to stand on the podium until I have trained and raced hard enough.  But my thought this weekend was that life is not all about results.  It is not about the days clean!!  It is about the efforts. It is about your heart, your desires, your humility, your surrenders, your opening your heart to God. 


Well my girl is super wise and perceptive. She tells me how she knows that God loves her no matter what. There is no earning His love.  Even forgiveness.  She says that I have already received it.  The atonement is already done. God will heal us and fast as we will let him.  That is a concept that I am still trying to accept. Forgiveness can be instanteous.  No, the addiction doens't go away. Triggers don't. Temptations don't. Recovery doesn't.  But we can accept today/right now that God loves us unconditionally!

I think that will be my next big break through....accepting that I can be forgiven, that I can forgive myself, that God loves me, and that I love myself.  I really feel that when I know those things in my head and in my heart....I will be able to make better progress with loving others and especially this girl.

As I drove away (at like midnight....I get up at 6 am), I felt like I may possibly am starting to love this girl. Which is also something I have never experienced. My body and heart still resist it. I have created sophisticated walls to defend myself from love....they are even specially designed to be Warrior-proof.  So now I am letting this girl and also God break the walls down. While I held her in my arms with our very long goodnights...I could honestly tangibly feel walls cracking and breaking down in my chest. 


One day at a time. Always ONE DAY AT A TIME. Day 82 for me today. And that's all I can do.

Lust vs Porn

I just read the latest post by Andrew on lust.

I totally agree with him on this. I feel for the first time in my life I am actually experiencing recovery.  Abstinence and sobriety are certainly great but recovery is our true objective. Not even mere repentance. I have repented of this sin.  I have received my temple recommend.  I obey the law of chastity.  But I am still working on recovery. It is hard to accept but it is no different for a cancer survivor.


Sure, I have to avoid porn or anything stimulating but more importantly I need to be aware of any mood shift, any lusting, any "drinking" as we call it.  no sense being a 'dry drunk.'  I have to surrender my desire for anything that is taking from someone else.  I can't look at a woman and "take."  I can't watch that commercial when I should look away.  I have to give it ALL up. Not keep a part.


I am winning this battle lately. Not because I am any more capable than I was before.  I am winning becasue I am tapping into the true sources of power: God and the fellowship of addicts in recovery.


I shared my first step inventory last Thursday.  I read every detail of it. They all know what I have done.  And that has given me alot of strength.  I made a stronger bond with the group.  I don't have to fight sex/lust/porn addiction alone anymore. Nor am I going to. I have a great sponsor too who points out what I wouldn't have seen before. Recovery can be attained if we seek it in the right way.

Day 73 today.  ONE. DAY. AT. A.  TIME.

Attacks today

I need to post.  I am still at work but I'm so bored. and so tired.  I am going on a trip tomorrow and I want today to be over already.  All of the staff is leaving early but me and another.  which means there will be no supervision. And I will wrap up the projects I have been working on long before I actually have to leave.  It just lines it all up. 

I have been getting attacked all day today. All week really.  The lust in me never sleeps.  never goes away.  Even my dreams at night get pornographic.  There is nowhere to really hide.  I went to the temple on Tuesday just becuase I didn't think I would survive the week.  Sometimes I hate being attracted to every pretty girl.  I hate that I want to fantasize about all of them.  And I am not even talking about sexual things.  Sometimes I see a cute, nice LDS girl and wish that I could be with her.  The lust is never content though. There is always some better looking girl around the corner.  I'm just so tired of it.  I am tired of being alone. but I don't like the idea of having someone close in my life.  I just don't like it!!  I think I need to stop reading the blogs out there of the women married to addicts.  I HATE causing people pain, especially girls.  I just don't want that!  I am still super addicted. My brain is still REALLY corrupt.  I get alot of pleasure from going to random girl's profiles on facebook even and looking at their photos.  they don't even know me.  they don't even care.  But when I get bored at work...that's where I want to go. 

I am doing my first step inventory share tonight at my group meeting.  I am also going to discuss how I want to be lusted after.  I want girls to want me.  I go to parties and I want to flirt with everyone.  but I have no interest in forming a relationship with anyone.  I don't even want to get action later.  I bask in the attention. This sounds like some insecure teenaged girl.  Is there something i lack??  Can I not get past things that may not have been the best for me during my teenager years??

I just want to be a good person.  A nice guy.  I want to be a blessing not a burden in someone's life.  I repell love. I don't love attachments.  I just want the girls to want me or say things about me, but the idea of having a normal relationship with them....and I want to withdraw. I want things to just be friends. 

I'm just exhausted.  I can't even fathom how it feels to be stuck with an addict.  You have to overcome those fears. Fear if he is looking at crap. Fear if he is lying.  what a terrible situation.

I don't know...i'm at a loss right now.  I am very glad that I have survived 68 days but it is exhausting to think I have another 5,000 to go.  I can only go a day at a time, but sometimes I feel like healing is going slower than that. I AM DOING WHAT i THINK I CAN!! meetings, praying, reviewing goals, getting good sleep, eating well, going on dates with the same girl, being open and honest, getting help, working the steps, calling my sponsor, trying to stay focused at work, evaluating how I am feeling....   I'm just going on faith here. that somehow it gets easier. Somehow it gets better.  blah.

ABC's of addiction

So I want this blog to focus on recovery and addiction (enough of my dating life)

This post derives from Andrew's rowboat and marbles post. but I wanted to post my thoughts on it. I truly believe what he is talking about.


ABC....the levels of addiction. And why we are fighting the wrong battles.

A = debilitating negative emotions
B = lust
C = sexually acting out

We spend alot of our time trying to remove C.  Removing C is putting a filter on the computer, putting the computer in a high traffic area,  having rules/boundaries with your wife about sex, trying to "not think about sex", only masturbating once a week ("ok I will go 2 weeks this time!").  This are certainly good measures to have. Yet, we expend a lot of energy on trying to simply curb our behavior. We have great schemes and plans.  Why don't all us addicts just lock ourselves up in a white padded room for a whole year with no women around???  That will 'cure' us, right??

NO.

B generates more C. 

B is lust.  Lust is wrongly/selfishly using ourselves, others, things to attempt to satisfy our own appetites regardless of consequences.  It is the polar opposite of love.  It is Satan's GREATEST counterfeit.

But we are honest LDS men! We aren't selfish!! But we are...  Lust is more than just looking at porn. Lust is a monster that can be fed in numerous ways: viewing porn, acting out, dirty literature, fantasy, trying to connect with women to feed ourselves, even non-sexually, objectification, imagination, leering, thinking to yourself, "dang she is hot..she's hotter than my girl/wife", etc.  The bottom line is that we are TAKING from others....from women to get some sort of fix. Even saying to ourselves, "but she is so beautiful. She is like a priceless piece of art...a beautiful sunset." - well, you just compared her to an object. (objectification, BTW)

"But I didn't go all the way!!  I didn't click on that dirty site!"...But you were thinking it...but your lust was being fed.  Sad part is that lust is "cunning, baffling."  We read that in SA all the time. Addicts don't realize they are lusting. We don't even realize it half the time. That's why we need the help of trained people who see clearly. We need the fellowship. We need sponsors. We need therapists.

We are powerless alone against lust.

A generates more B.

A are the debilitating negative emotions. Fear, resentments, shame, humiliation, depression, loneliness, rage, remorse, GUILT.
As LDS men we can't drink. We can't smoke.  We can't use drugs.  Those things are an obvious NO-NO. So we turn to lust/porn. 

Removing the A is the part that we absolutely need the help from others. We have to pump to sewerage out.  This part takes time!!   I have been going to group meetings, seeing therapists for the past 3-4 years.  I have never gotten far with recovery.  "But I'm going to meetings! But I am seeing the therapist! But I saw the bishop 3 times last month."  Those are great things, BUT WE MUST GET TO THE ROOTS!! 

That is why deep self-reflecting/self-honesty is the way to clean it out.  It must be a spiritual cleansing above all. God gave man weakness that he may be HUMBLE.  But with the atonement, our weaknesses can be strengths!  We have to utterly admit our powerlessness.  I will say this again, "IT IS NOT WEAKNESS TO ADMIT YOU ARE WEAK!"  THE OPPOSITE....IT IS STRENGTH.  I can't comment more on overcoming A because that is where I am at currently.  The reason I am on day 62 today (which is the longest I have gone clean in 6 years...since the mission) is because I am finally working the program.  I am finally working on my emotions, my resentements, etc. I never thought i was resentful.  "I am such a nice guy. Everyone was mean to me!"  See what i mean? You have to work the program thoroughly.  I have going to be writing the fourth step inventory in the next week or so. I want to get it all out!


This is a long post but I feel strongly about this. We can't be wishy-washy anymore.  We have to decide to forfeit the addiction on all levels or don't at all.  No more bandaids on gapping wounds!

One. Day. At. A. Time.  (one hour at a time if you have to)

How to treat a birthday girl

The girl I am dating has a birthday tomorrow. Sadly I work until 6 pm and then a work meeting until 8 pm. probably wont get to see her. We are doing something Friday during the day and also something Saturday.

She's not into gifts.  I do feel this pressure (probably me imposing it) as the "boyfriend" (which is I title I don't care for) that I should do something nice.  Any ideas???


Honestly, I have trouble staying interested in her week in and week out.  Maybe I should do more acts of love or be more open? 

Ah, some days I wish I didn't have "someone I was dating."  After years of being an addict, you get very accustomed to isolation and not having to report to anyone.
She doesn't impose any pressure or expectations so I have nothing to whine about.

I read somewhere recently (i read too much about this addiction...I just have to know everything from every point of view)  that it takes a good 7-12 months of sobriety until you are able to enjoy stable recovery.  until then I can crash at any moment....that is draining to hear... is it really such a good idea for me to drag some girl into my life?? ah, it seems so risky.


I don't want to dwell on that negative though.  I have to be positive. I have to fight. I have to trust my program, my sponsor, and mostly God.   I can only manage a day at a time.  Day 61 today.

More Fears

So I need to dump right now. It is becoming apparent that there are so many levels to recovery and healing.  Stopping the act is just the beginning.  I am pleased that I am not intaking more lust and images and filth.  I am very grateful for that.

But some things have been bothering me. I realize that I have more fears and worries that I want to write down.  I am not sure how to approach/address them at the moment but I am going to diligently seek some reprieve or comfort from God.

·         I fear I’ll date and date this girl – and somehow still not be interested

·         I fear that the moment life or the relationship gets stressful – I’ll crash and burn and be right back in my addiction.

·         I fear that the main reason I am dating this girl is b/c I know how much it helps me stay sober

·         I fear that the main reason I like dating her is the evenings where we get to hold each other, cuddle, and kiss.   (it is rather nice, this is the first time in my life I have enjoyed this.)

·         I fear that if she gains weight or can’t keep up with my active, adventurous lifestyle – I’ll be less physically attracted to her and seek that elsewhere.

·         I fear she may be the more assertive and committed one in the relationship and I’ll shrink back and feel less important, less needed.

Those are the fears I have.  I do desire to live by faith. Well, at least, I greatly desire to want to live by faith.  I don’t necessarily know at this moment what to do with the fears, but I felt a need to write them out.

I want to pray about these things all week.  I get to go to the temple on Friday!! (I’m even nervous about that)

How else can we let go or deal with fears??  (We can't sweep them under the rug, but we can't let them sweep us under the rug either)

Day 59 today. One. Day. At. A. Time

Back to the Temple

I'm a bit full of emotion today. I had a good chat with the bishop last night.  I was with my girl right before. She knew i had the appointment.  I even talked her into coming and waiting outside his office.  (seriously, this girl is absolutely amazing.)  The bishop is going to give me the recommend back this sunday. I haven't had a renewed recommend in 3 years. And I haven't been in a temple in a year.

Afterward, I sort of broke down. I have lived with the mindset that life is about doing your duty and living with pain. Being worthy was never an option....I was simply an addict.

Now, apparently the bishop thinks I am worthy enough. Apparently God feels so too.  But I still don't quite feel it. I struggle to forgive myself. (i've done horrible things)  My girl feels I am worthy too.  She can feel it.  (girls do have this sense...Maurice calls it the creepy guy detector)

I am so glad she was there to support me.  I still struggle with the fears that she is going to end up in recovery meetings, crying for hours, seeing therapists, comtemplating leaving me.


I have to surrender those fears...they don't have to be reality!  I don't have to be a victim to this addiction anymore!!  I can't panic or I will lose.  For some reason, accepting forgiveness and healing is difficult.  (don't we want this to be healed??)


Day 54 today. One. Day. At. A. Time.  Writing this out makes me feel much better.

The Confession

I did it.   I told the girl I am dating what it is that I have struggled with all these years. 


I had stressed about this for a long time. Friday morning I prayed for like a half an hour straight on how to do it.  I knew it had to be this weekend.  I thought of a letter.  I thought of an email.  But I wanted to say it in person. We were hitting the point where I don't think our relationship could have emotionally advanced any further.  I concluded that it needed to be discussed Sunday night. Beforehand, I told her to pray for it and be ready.

We drove up to the Draper Temple grounds.  I discussed some other things first, then after I made a long pause...I said it. "I am recovering from an addiction to pornography. And I am on day 51." 

She already knew of the days...she knew it was for something important. She knew that I had told her many times that I have been working on a healing and repenting of some major things.  She wasn't shocked. She held my hand and felt for me.  Good grief girls are so compassionate!!  I didn't give details.  I didn't go into the whole, long history of it.  I may at a later point, but tonight that wasn't needed.  I told her clearly that this will be something that I battle seriously for the next few months/years (and quite frankly...all my life).  She accepts that too.

What a wonderful girl!!  God bless all the sweet and understanding girls.  What a relieft!!


I am NOT going to slacken my pace or get lazy in my recovery now though!!!  The battle rages on.  But now I have a teammate that I care alot about and who cares alot about me.  Thanks C!!!

Wild at Heart

I was reading in the book “Wild at Heart” and felt compelled to write some thoughts.

This book is subtitled: discovering the secret of a man’s soul. These are the author’s ideas. You may disagree, but so far I think i agree with alot of his points.

He poses 3 things that a man truly desires. I think these are me

1-            A BATTLE TO FIGHT FOR

                We like competition. We like the struggle.  We like danger. We like engaging in activities that will frighten our mothers.  We grow up with toy guns. We play tackle football. We want the promotion at work.  I personally do triathlons. I want to beat out everyone. And when I am beat, I congratulate the winner but I want to out train him for the next race. Life is dull without the battle.

2-            AN ADVENTURE TO LIVE

                We need wilderness.  We need to explore. We need to disappear for a few hours sometimes and go somewhere we have never been before. The author makes it clear that this isn’t to be confused with “machoman” but a more authentic masculinity.  We need a test, a challenge. We want to see if we have what it really takes.

3-            A BEAUTY TO RESCUE

                Romeo had his Juliet. King Arthur had his Guinevere.  There is nothing more inspiring to a man than a beautiful woman. True beauty in a woman does not simply imply her looks (although that is very important to us too)  It is all the goodness in her.  We have a need to be the hero of the girl.  It is not enough to have a battle to fight, but to have someone to fight the battle for.  

Compare this to the 3 true desires of a woman that he lists.  The Feminine Heart.

1-            EVERY WOMAN YEARNS TO BE FOUGHT FOR

                She was to be longed for. She wants to be noticed.  She wants to be desired and pursued. She wants the man to make her a priority. She wants to be cherished and know that she is the one and only of his heart. She delights in seeing him make the efforts to be with her or to connect with her.

2-            EVERY WOMAN WANTS AN ADVENTURE TO SHARE

                Yes, they want to be fought for, but they want to be a part of the adventure. That’s why women will follow their man through a long graduate school program.  That’s why women will get up early to pack him a lunch and give him a kiss before his big presentation at work that day that he worked tirelessly to prepare for.  That’s why the woman wants to help him in his struggles when he lets her know how he’s feeling.

3-            EVERY WOMEN WANTS TO HAVE A BEAUTY TO UNVEIL

                She wants to be delighted in.  She wants to feel beautiful and special. She wants to captivate the man.  It is not the desire of a woman to be tough, independent, and efficient, although a strong woman will do so if she has to (like how Maurice speaks of the pioneer woman).  She wants to wear the cute outfit and receive some attention.  This is not insecurity. And personally, a little insecurity in a woman is kinda attractive bc it allows the man to be her hero.

Addiction destroys all these desires in me.  Lust causes me to not fight battles. I let the battles beat me. My only adventure is how much can I get without getting caught.  There is no one beauty but hundreds that don’t even know who I am. There is no fight for a women bc it takes no effort to click the mouse. Lust is the ultimate counterfeit of all that is true in us.

                Women  DO NOT like the lies, being left out of the fight, or not being fought for. They want the man to go to meetings and be honest and get the help he needs.  I read it in the posts, they cheer for their man when he fights this battle in the right way with her in huddle.