I'm feeling a little emotional right now. I think these blogs don't always depict our real story. Jane wrote me a comment that said that. We kinda put our worse in these blogs at times.
I am just kinda down. My mom has been wanting to get to together and always wants to know how i'm doing. I've been really struggling the past month. Conversations with her about 'everything' have not turned out well. At all. I don't discuss this addiction. Ever. I don't even discuss successes or recovery.
well, I wrote her an email and laid out the honest truth.
She wrote me back and thankfully wasn't angry with me. She is certainly mad at this addiction. She hates it. It nearly ruined her marriage. It causes so much pain. I get overwhelmed thinking about all the pain this has cause. I called a friend from my SA group and he expressed how fed up he it with this. And losing. over and over. He is sick of religion and God....all of that seems to fail us. over and over.
I am tired of being alone. I am tired of not being able to feel like I am worth a damn to get married. I have alot to offer! I'm not trying to brag or boast. I am a solid guy. I believe deeply in God and in the church. I work hard in life. I don't believe in freebies (except maybe food or cookies) I can go on dates easy. I can get girls to like me. BUT I CAN'T CURE MYSELF OF THIS ADDICTION! It is so rooted in me. It is frustrating. Recovery is frustrating. And so slow.
I am not going to give up. I can't. If i give up....I'll end up with prostitutes or something. I'll probably wind up committing suicide or getting knived in a parking lot. Ok, that might be dramatic, but this addiction is a progressive disease. If left alone....It only gets worse. One line crossed after another.
I desire sobriety today. I can do today. I can feel these emotions. I can express them and let them go. It's hard to plan out the whole future but I can stay sober today. I can keep trying to "clear away the wreckage" of my past. It's going to take time. I don't really know what the end goal it. Recovery??? Perfection?? I don't know how good I have to be.
I recently started chatting with a new girl that I really like. We've been out once and we chat for hours on the phone. I'm already uneasy about how I am going to bring up the addiction. Nate Q suggests do it before things get serious. I've heard that from my old therapist Maurice as well. I choose not to worry about it right now, but the thought always lingers. I used to sabotage every relationship i ever had to avoid the chat. Well, I've done it with two relationships and both times the girls wanted to keep dating. Go figure.
Day 17 today. ODAAT!
"BUT I CAN'T CURE MYSELF OF THIS ADDICTION!"
ReplyDeleteThis is the most poignant thing you said in the entire post. Roll with this. This is a GOOD thing, not a bad thing. This statement reflects step 1. It expresses your powerlessness over your addiction. Absolutely you can't cure yourself of this addiction. Only one person can, and He will if you will let Him.
You speak of SA... do you not have LDS ARP meetings in your area?
Chin up:-)
Man, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about.Man, it sucks. It REALLY REALLY REALLY SUCKS.Dont try to do it alone. It's impossible. it was never MEANT to be done alone. And it's not really "help" is it? It's not like he's taking half the load for you. No, you've got to accept that your legs are broken, kneecaps blown, you CANNOT of your own self go forward. Not an inch. "Draw nigh unto Me and I will draw nigh unto you," or something like that. Tell Him you cannot do it. Tell Him your life is out of your control and you need Him to fix it for you. Let Him pick you up. I'm not saying you don't do any work of yourself. Willingness and obedience are what is necessary.
ReplyDeleteOne thing my sponsor said over and over was "Ask for help for TODAY. One day at a time."
At first I thought I got it and nodded along in agreement, but I didn't really get what he was saying. But each day it is making more and more sense. He was right, JUST FOCUS ON TODAY.
Whether I'm doing good, sober, and focusing on the future and believing that I'll be sober tomorrow and the next day, or whether I am not sober and afraid I can't make it one single day, then wonder if I will EVER be able to get over it, I'll never be able to. You see, the future isn't there, and us thinking about it is useless.
ONE DAY AT A TIME.
Focus on today, and if that is too much, focus on the next five minutes, the next hour, the next couple hours, and pray for help. BUT ONLY FOCUS ON TODAY. If you only focus receiving God's help today, you will have so much more effort and hope and confidence. It's only a day. Only 24 hours. That's all you have to be sober for. Then tomorrow do it over again.
When I get to thinking of the future, and wondering if I can make it in the future, it seems like too giant a mountain of blackness and I panic and stress and get anxious and fall back into addiction.
Like Christ says, "Focus on the things of today, and let the things of tomorrow take care of itself." Or something like that. He will help you. And each day you journey forward, each day it will be easier to accept His help. Because really, He's not ever going to say, "Nope, sorry, today I'm otherwise engaged."
One day at a time.
As for when to tell a girl, that's a tough one. I'd say pray about it a lot and go with what the Spirit tells you. Kind of a cheesy answer I know. But I agree, The longer you wait, the more damaging it can be to a relationship. Just tell her with complete honesty.
Before I got married I had one of my, I don't know what you'd call them, couple month long sobriety thingies. I was going to church and felt great, I wouldn't let myself believe that I was addicted and when I got serious with my wife, I made it sound like it wasn't an "addiction" and the time from when I'd stopped was a lot longer ago than it really was.
When the truth came out after 2 years of being married, it was a lot more damaging. Was there a chance that we would never have gotten married? Yes, a good chance. Was there also a chance that she would have been more receptive and encouraging and helped me in my recovery, yes, and both those outcomes would have been better than the suffering that we've been going through now.
It means a lot when the girls you've told still wanted to keep dating. You were being honest.
And you said you don't know how good you have to be. It's only as much as you can be. I know for me I always feel like I can do better, even if I'm progressing I sometimes feel down because I feel like I can be even better than I am. Maybe it's true, maybe it isn't. Remember it isn't how fast your progress, its just that you are progressing. God doesn't judge us on what we may or may not do, he judges us on what we've done and what we are doing. If you are progressing, you're doing good.one day at a time.
@Sidreis - Thanks for your comments. I can tell that you've really been through Hell with all this. I realize that every day that I do a step 123, i am ready for the day. i'm not until i do. I go to SA meetings. Thursday regularly over the past year. But in the past 3 weeks, i now go to 3. One on Saturday, and either Tues or Friday night. SA seems more thorough. More honest. I also really like the sponsor-sponsee relationship
ReplyDelete@Anoni Mouse - what is your email?? I REALLy like your comments here. This is great advice. i asked Nate Q some things too. I am a believer that you can't have too many people in your support group. We just ALL have to work together on this!
ReplyDelete