Ok, I really don't know if this blog is worth a dang or not. I keep a journal (3 in fact....one for general posts, one for my venting/triggers in the moment, and my step 4 inventory journal.) I don't really need this blog.
And to be honest, I feel kinda lame that it is on so many other people's blogs. At first, I liked having it there. I thought I was a real expert on recovery, that i was providing the "guy's view." But honestly, I can't offer any marital advice and my recovery strength is limited.
I'll be the first to admit that I am just as addicted as any other addict. I wholeheartedly confess that I am powerless against lust on my own.
I gave up last week. A week and a half ago, i broke up with my girfriend of almost 8 months. I felt okay about the decision. It was a great relationship. I have no regrets. I know it was what we both needed. I am not going to go into all the details but the bottom line was....I wasn't feeling marriage. I just wasn't. And that's okay...i felt peace about the decision. She took it hard but she understood. That's part of dating. (addiction or no addiction). And i was very careful not to make that decision based on my addiction. She knew all about it and still wanted to marry me. (an absolute miracle....)
Being addicted to lust, porn, MB (as i prefer to put it) does not define me. It is not who I am. I am way more than that. I really am a solid guy who cares deeply about others and the world. I am simply diseased.
After we broke up, I felt like my reason to fight (and I have to fight daily) was gone. I stayed very strong during our relationship bc I didn't want addiction to be apart of it. This entire past week, I got apathetic. I didn't care. I kinda felt like I could just "take a week off."
On Sunday, I felt the spirit distinctly. Somehow God still loves me immensly and can still forgive me as fast as I come to him with a broken heart (which i did). I met with the bishop too. He knows the whole story. He's sad about the relationship (he liked the girl) but wants me to keep fighting. He sees more hope in me than sometimes I do. It is tough.....to lose at something over and over and over again. It is downright freaking frustrating to be so immensly drawn to something so vile and so degrading. I know it's wrong. I know its disgusting. But yes, it is pleasurable. Man, it is pure selfishness. But Sunday....I thought long and hard about this spiral down i was going in and realized....IT IS NOT WHAT I WANT.
I read the women's blogs and I ache for them. I am so sorry about their husbands. It is just so sad. You women are so pure and many have saved that part of yourselves to fully express it for when you were first married. I want to still be able to offer that to a girl someday....whenever that is. It is this intangible goal at the moment, but I desperately want to be ready for her. I fully commit now to be honest and true and not manipulate and twist things and hurt her!!!! I don't want that at all!!! I'll die single before i even do that!!!
Day 2 today..... I'll take another 24 with God. :)
Keep up the good fight, brother! You have a lot of people who care about you and are cheering you on!
ReplyDeleteMy husband said some of the same things to me a few weeks ago... he finds himself immensely drawn to porn even though he hates it. He wants to change for himself -not just for me (which wasn't the case a few years ago).
ReplyDeleteBut it wasn't until a few weeks ago -8 years into our marriage in which porn has been a problem most always -that he finally opened up and expressed how drawn to it he really is. He confessed that his desires aren't in line with full recovery.
And I was so happy to hear it. The honesty with himself -the transparency with me -it was all so refreshing. It actually gave me hope rather than depressed me. So often he's been less than transparent because he wants to shield me from his secrets and the awful world of porn...
But that isn't what's needed.
Your ability to be honest -truly, truly honest -with yourself is just so great. It's encouraging to see from a wife's perspective.
And we don't expect "expert" post from you -we just appreciate honest insights into what you're going through.
More than anything, we cherish honesty.
That is exactly it Alica, "We cherish honesty." So well put! That's why this blog is so great, Warrior!
DeleteHeya:-)
ReplyDeleteYou aren't a lone in your struggle. Many of us out there, including women. This isn't a man's disease, it's a human disease.
Anyway - you may not see it this way but based on something you said I look at your break up as an opportunity. You said "After we broke up, I felt like my reason to fight (and I have to fight daily) was gone. I stayed very strong during our relationship bc I didn't want addiction to be apart of it." It seems your sobriety was embedded in your relationship with your girlfriend. Not acting out so we don't hurt loved ones is sometimes a good tool to have in a bad moment - but it is not recovery sustaining. As you say, you slipped as soon as you broke up.
Embedding our sobriety, or more importantly our recovery in the Savior is what sustains us. It's important for us to come to love our Savior more than our addiction. So look at this as an opportunity to learn this principle. And then next time around it will be better:-)
Oh, and I love your blog. You are helping many. You are helping me. So I hope you don't stop.
Thanks for your honesty.
Sidreis
www.bythelightofgrace.com
Good for you for starting over. Do it for you. You speak of wanting to offer purity to a future lady and that's wonderful...but don't forget that YOU deserve it too!! You are a true warrior. God Bless.
ReplyDeleteHey Warrior- I need to just get something off my chest. I know you read our blogs, I know you see how awful this addiction is for us wives of addicts. But I hope that your reasons for breaking up with your girlfriend weren't based in any way on your idea of how addiction affects my life.
ReplyDeleteIn spite of my husband's addiction, we live a fulfilling happy life. We have children, we spend time together, we have jobs we go on vacations. We tease, we laugh, we make jokes about each other's families. We work in the yard, our kids play sports. We are generally happy.
Do I ever write about the 80-90% of my life that is joyful, meaningful, or the husband I have who is unselfish, professionally ambitious, and hard working? The one who opens my door for me, who helps me with home improvement projects, takes me to dinner, pushes the kids in the swing, and changes diapers? Not on that blog.
I don't want to offend you or anyone, and I admire your determination to only enter marriage when you are ready. Don't get me wrong, I'm not suggesting rushing into anything, but truthfully none of us are ever really READY. But we can't progress, we can't experience a new level of feeling until we take that leap.
I guess I just don't want you to miss out on something amazng because you think you are going to ruin a woman's life. I admire your honesty with your ex-girlfriend and I felt like you handled the addiction aspect exactly like you should have.
But I can only speak for myself, and some other WOPA might disagree.
Good luck!
Dang, Jane that is really good to hear. A sister from our YSA stake presidency shared a very insightful talk on Sunday that rocked my world. I am going to post about it...because it hit upon something that I have been mulling over for a long time.
ReplyDeleteI guess i don't see what all you women do the other 80% of the time. This addiction wreaked HAVOC on my parent's marriage for a very long time...so this all goes very home for me. My worst fear in the whole world is to cause a dear daughter of God harm....like what my mom had to go through...and to some extent to all of what you all have been through. Sometimes I just wish i knew how good was good enough (90% for an A...93%??)