So I have enjoyed the past week and weekend. I am not cured. I am still an addict. But I survived every attack that came up. It was not a battleless week. In fact, it was riddled with triggers/temptations.
Here is my new saying for things that come up:
I CAN'T HANDLE IT.
i was watching TV the other day with a roommate. A bit of MMA (mixed martial arts). It is senseless fighting. But entertaining. (i grew up wrestling and fighting with brothers). Then after the first round, a hot girl holding up a sign comes out. Oh goodie... My gut sinks. Then the round goes on. I knew she'd be back at the end of the round. I debated whether I could just look away. I'm watching MMA not porn!!
But alas, I can't handle it. I turned it off and went to bed.
On my drive home from St. George last night, I was feeling especially alone. I drove past a couple of places that reminded me of the trip I did with my girlfriend last Fall. I reminisced on how nice it was to drive with someone. And hold her hand while we drove through the night. It got me emotional. Then my mind started day dreaming about my next relationship and how things would go. And about getting married. Then my mind wanted to day dream about marital intimacy....
I had to let that go too. I can't handle it. I can't handle even think about it. I just can't.
I also managed to attend a meeting Tues night, Wednesday morning, Thursday afternoon, and Friday at noon. I didn't make it to one on Saturday or Sunday evening (And I was driving back last evening). So I am going to need to catch up. I think I may need to implement more phone meetings to stay on pace for 90 in 90. I am now 7 of 10.
Another note, I have been really wanting to get back into dating. I drove down with a girl from my singles ward and ended up spending Saturday evening with her. But I come back and read the blogs and I remind myself of why I need to be single right now and of my goal to get some recovery first. I still feel in my heart that I need this break. i need to be able to do recovery alone. For me. For my mortal life (and for my eternal life).
One day at a time. I let go of my will and I let God. If I can't handle it, i trust that He can.
Nice work! We posted on similar things today - there are some things that we just can't handle right now, and that's ok. If you've got a peanut allergy, can't just avoid eating whole peanuts - gotta watch out for anything with trace amounts. Don't have to go loony about it all, but we need to be very aware. Not sure if we ever lose the allergy, but it does decrease its intensity over time. Good luck and have a great week!
ReplyDeleteI have always liked the peanut allergy analogy....that is EXACTLY how it is. I can't ingest it or breath it or even be in the room with it..
DeleteYou do good my man! BRAVO!!! Sometimes turning the stupid TV off is SO hard! But you did it. BRAVO!
ReplyDeleteGreat thoughts. There is a popular quote in 12 Step circles that "The quality of your recovery is proportional to the quality of your surrender". So learning to be able to say "I can't" is so important. But its hard sometimes. At least it is for me.
ReplyDeleteNicely put Nate. Honestly Warrior I am so impressed that you are taking a step back and realizing you can't date right now. I'm sure it's tough and I am glad I don't have to worry about that but I truly believe the Lord is preparing someone for you. I know he did my husband and I cannot imagine life without him or him being by my side in my addictions. Not to say that your future wife has to deal with your addictions but that she can be someone that will be able to love you and grasp you for all of your past weaknesses too.
ReplyDeletethanks for all the comments y'all. @I was lost: I texted that quote you sent to about 15 different guys that I text every day. That is a killer quote. @Jana - thanks for validating that taking a break is a good idea. And I appreciate the hope/thought that God is preparing someone for me. I never see it that way...usually i feel like the woman is already perfect and I have to work my butt off to be remotely worthy for her.
ReplyDeleteOk brother if you were driving home from St George that means you were IN St George!! I live in St George and would had enjoyed meeting my warrior brother - next time, for sure, let me know when you come! Warrior On!!
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