Just wanted to write out what i'm feeling right now.
I'm feeling lonely. I'm a happy guy but sometimes when no one cares when I get home or not it gets old.
I'm feeling weak. Lust beats me up. No matter how good yesterday was. Today is a new battle.
I'm feeling a need to be pitied. Yes, i admit it. I want everyone to feel sorry for me.
I'm feeling worn out physically. I pushed myself hard this past weekend. Didn't get enough sleep.
I'm feeling inadequate at work. I have so much to do some days. And never feel like i'm efficient enough.
I'm feeling a strong desire to ask a girl out. I want attention from her. I want to flirt. It makes me feel good.
I'm feeling a tad overwhelmed. I need to have a work project done by the end of the week. Not sure how.
I'm feeling apathetic. I feel guilty for this but one of the ways i cope with stress or pain is to tell myself that it doesn't matter and that i don't care. Bascially, lower my expectations for life.
Just stating the facts. Trying to be real with myself. After a bit of sobriety, the emotions seem to float to the surface. Just like after a ship gets sunk. All the crap that went into the water has to resurface at some point.
I'll have to do what works to survive today. I'm going to need to make my calls and do my surrendering. Surrender is becoming a way of life for me. I find it to be an interesting principle. I'm going to post more on it another day.
I'm glad you wrote about this and got it out into the light. I can relate to so many of these things. I get such a rush from being pitied. I too have to try so hard not to get into that mindset.
ReplyDeleteI can especially relate to what you said about apathy. I guess I didn't necessarily realize this about myself, but reading this post made me realize that I sometimes use apathy as a way to minimize stress. But really that just creates more stress for me because I leave so many things undone (because I'm apathetic).
Thanks for sharing.
I admire you for trying so hard. It's hard to man up to your emotions and post them for anyone to see and it's hard to get out of bed everyday when everyday is a fight. Life, in general, is just hard.
ReplyDeleteBut, good for you for being honest. And getting it out. I read an article today on the power of journaling. About the deep stuff. It claimed that journaling is quite healing, so by blogging it today, that was a good step towards recovery.
Have you read, "Healing the Shame that Binds You"? Paul is reading it right now and loving it. Some of the things you talked about in this post reminded me of many of the things he is learning in that book......
Stay strong and keep up the good work.
I have not. I'd like to read it some time. I have stacks of books currently that i'm getting through. But eventually I may order that one too.
DeleteThank you for your honesty and vulnerability my friend:-)
ReplyDeleteI don't feel sorry for you, but I do FEEL you... I'm there with ya and I know it's tough... great job picking up...
Fight the good fight.
HONEST
ReplyDeletei like honest
keep fighting
Today I am feeling....just like you! I feel every single one of those bulleted points you made and with almost the exact same reasons underlying it--except for the desire to ask a girl out...that doesn't appeal to me one bit. :)
ReplyDeleteI would love to hear more about surrendering.
Good luck my friend. Being lonely is beyond difficult.
ReplyDelete