First Kiss

I had some time and wanted to write another post.  Here are some updates on my life…if anyone care to know.

So I have a girlfriend. I do. We have been dating almost 3 months now. We have been talking things relatively slow.  I think we both wanted that.  She has done a bit of dating but nothing too serious. She’s also much younger than me.  But this girl is very smart and has very high standards. Probably the highest of any girl I have ever dated. She is very intelligent and very committed to the gospel of Jesus Christ.  In fact, she’s probably way too qualified for me. And I’m not bashing myself saying that.

            Well, we had an interesting moment on Saturday and we didn’t get a chance to discuss on Sunday.  I sent her a long email on Sunday night and she replied this afternoon.
            We had our first real kiss Saturday night.  Up to this point, good nights were long hugs and kisses on the cheek.  And sometimes it turned into 7-8 exchanges of kisses on the cheek.  I must say that I am quite attracted to this girl.  In a good way.  She is so darn virtuous that I have not had any inclination to do something that would make her uncomfortable.
            Well, on Saturday, we had a bit of a rough day. None of our plans to be alone and talk happened.  All sorts of other things going on. Finally, we had about 10 minutes to curfew (midnight on weekends) and we just sat on the couch and cuddled a bit. It was really nice to hold her close. Well, she tried to plant a cheek kiss on me and it was ‘precariously’ close to my mouth. When I walked her to the door, my heart started to beat. We hugged and I knew it was coming. I could feel she was sensing it too.  I asked her if I could kiss her. She said yes.  And we did. And it was the most powerful and wonderful kiss I have ever had. We just both melted.  It was WAY more than either one of us expected. (even me!)  And this was also her FIRST kiss. We would kiss, would hug each other close, and kiss again. Seriously, it was pretty dang amazing!
            We were both in the clouds. Seriously. It was so fantastic.  I could barely drive home.  And the great thing was is that it was powerful but it wasn’t full of lust.  We didn’t kiss in order to stir up sexual passions.  Now i'll discuss that in a sec.

            Well the next day, Sunday, she was a bit stand offish.  I could sense something was up.  We made food and spent time at the apartment.  Her roommate was there the whole time so we didn’t get to chat one on one.  We made cookies and delivered them to two different friends.  One of the couples we visited gave us a ride home and then gave me a ride home.  So we didn’t get to chat.
            I texted her that night and asked her if something was up. Sure enough, she had some mixed feelings about how long, and how passionately we had kissed. She sincerely hoped to save that for marriage.  (seriously, this girl shuns sin and anything like it).  I expressed my understanding and told her that we will need to set some ground rules and not do anything to break boundaries or make the other feel uncomfortable.
            I then wrote a long email.  I just had to get some things out. I shared with her my history with dating and what it means to me.  Despite being a porn addict, I haven’t acted out with girls. I’ve only really kissed one other girl….the one I dated seriously last year.  We had our moments with dealing with the passions of kissing. 
            I also shared how I felt about kissing her.  I agreed with her position that we should have some ground rules.  Well, she wrote me back today. She admitted to the presence of powerful feelings that arose between us.  We both didn’t necessarily feel guilty about it but we acknowledged its apparent power.  She admitted that she was unaware of those feelings/desires in her. She had never kissed someone before. And especially not how we did.
            She did express that we should certainly save such passionate kissing for marriage (if it comes to that….who knows?)  She then posted some links from prophets/apostles that counseled on marriage.  It seems that MANY leaders have recommended only short, simply good night kisses.  (or kiss, in the singular). 
            We also made specific rules to not ever kiss lying down.  Only when we are in semi-public lighted places.  Only enjoy one or two pecks for a good night kiss. She even recommended that we downplay the cuddling too especially around people.  She doesn’t want to be that couple that is awkward to be around.  I agree with that too.  She even suggested that we keep the front door (which leads to a stairwell) to be slightly ajar so that we can be easily interrupted and not tempted to kiss too much again.

            I am very glad that we discussed it.  I like that she is so solid.  I’m going to commit to all this. I will not do anything to break our rules or boundaries.  I don’t really have any desire to do so.  I am totally fine with focusing on all the other more important aspects of the relationship.  I am glad that we did kiss and we now know that there are feelings are between us, a 'spark' if you will.  Now we can put it off to the side and save it for a more appropriate time.

            I am doing much better in recovery right now.  I still need to find a moment to discuss it with her.  I may request feedback before then.  And after.  I don’t know how she will react.  I think she will take it especially hard and that is just how it is.  It could be said that i have waited too long....i've been feeling the same.  The timing of sharing is hard to figure out, and i get different advice from every person that i talk to.  I probably shouldn't even be dating if I follow what is 'best.'  Well, there you have it!!