What is the deal with physical attraction??

This is a topic I have pondered for a long time. I think my brain is so messed up on this topic I don’t quite know what to believe or feel on the matter. I really hope healing lets me understand attraction, love, and lust....they all seem to be nuisances at the moment.

The easy answer is something like “physical attraction brings a man and woman together to reinforce their love and commitment for each other in order to stay together the rest of their lives. It is classic pair bonding”

So apparently, we have to have it.  (it = physical attraction)

But it isn't everything.

I can’t say to a girl, “hey I think you are totally attractive but I don’t especially love your personality. But that doesn't matter as much because you’re so fine, I’m never going to find anyone better.’

I can’t say to a girl, “hey, I think you’re amazing. I like everything about you. I’m not really attracted to you but that’s okay because when were old and wrinkled, only personality will matter anyway.”

Honestly, does a girl want to hear either?  NO.

So why am I so wired to crave girls???  I think I’m not the first addict guy to just want to turn the switch off altogether.  I have had intense moments where I would pray fervently to God that I could just be done.  I know I have asked God that I could just not be sexually attracted to women and somehow get married. Sex is optional anyway, right? It really isn't that important.  Everyone seems to butcher it anyway.  Which to an addict doesn't make sense, but mechanically sex is pretty straightforward.

But when I’m talking about this intense attraction for women, I’m not even referring to it sexually.  

Why did God make it so powerful in us?? 

If you read anything about the brain, men’s brains actually start to stop functioning properly when we get enough ‘sexual’ chemicals going through…and its worse for addict brains.  We have pretty much destroyed those pleasure centers.  It takes hardly anything to set it off.

Also, I’ve heard from Presidents of the Church (and I don’t have sources or quotes) say that this attraction was necessary to get men to take on the responsibility of marriage and family.  My dad has said the same to me a lot as well. In fact, my mom agrees to that.

Is it that women are so hard to deal with and family so exhausting that God had to do something about??  It almost seems like he had to wire our brains and physical make-up to crave that??  

Well, I think the sexual drive is a freaking pain.

Right now as I’m doing my best to go through ‘recovery’ and meetings as often as I can and controlling my thoughts and praying and surrendering and staying out of relationships….I’m even more wired it seems.

Everyone says during the first months of sobriety…the body experiences withdrawals.  I’m still in that.  My dreams are messed up.  Cravings and bad thoughts enter my system at random all the time.

Anytime I see a pretty girl and she gets too close, I feel an allergic reaction.  Honestly, I have to simply avoid any attractive girl.  It does something to me. And makes me behave differently. Maybe I just don’t like the control it has over me. I don’t.  Bloody. I feel so powerless against the craving.  It takes a lot of energy to keep it in check.

And even when you get married, you still have to control it and keep it in check.  I sure hope it gets easier because this will be difficult to maintain the rest of my life.  I’d rather just get some sort of surgery and eliminate it from my system altogether.

Staying sober all week. Not much but I’m doing this. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and just sigh. So much work to do. So much in life to accomplish.

Somehow they say I can be loved now….I still feel like I am trying to earn it. I’ve gotta get all sobered up first. All changed first….then I will be able to get love and all that jazz.