So I did my first phone meeting last night. Wasn’t too bad. It was a step 10 check in. We discuss what our worst lust temptation that day was and what we did about it. We also discussed our resentments and fears. Not too bad. I was a bit nervous but it was easy enough. Not quite as powerful as a face to face meeting. I’m trying to decide if I want to do another one or go to a regular meeting tonight. I usually attend SA but there is only ARP meetings on Wednesday night. It goes from 730 to 9. I’m debating. I don’t like being up too late. I seriously am asleep by 10 pm most nights.
I read some good things in the AA Big Book this morning. The idea that an alcoholic is always an alcholohic and that they may never be able to drink ‘normal’ again. I think its safe to say I may be in that category. We balk at it. We resent it. Our loved ones hate it too. No one wants to think they are doomed to a certain condition. People overcome cancer. People get out of debt.
But can you STOP being an addict??
This is a question we all ask, addict or stuck with one.
· Is it so wrong to say that we will be mortals for all of mortality???
· Is it speaking ill against the Atonement and God’s infinite powers to say that I will have to live a life of recovery the rest of my life because I am powerless and incapable of beating this addiction??
Now, I don’t see why we have to continual lose to our addictions and act out every 2 weeks. But as far as not being able to commit the first lust….I am in that category.
I absolutely can’t survive the first lust. And lust takes on so many forms for me. It can be loneliness. It can be elation. It can be the back of a girls head who has nice long brown hair that passes me on the freeway. It can be the scent of a girl as she walks by me at church.
It’s not the attraction. It’s not the fact that I am biologically wired to like girls. It’s the craving. It’s the mental obsession. It’s the fantasy that goes along with it. That is what I have no power over once it gets rolling in my head. I can only pray it out, talk it out, surrender it out. It is easily the most challenging part of the whole program of recovery. But it IS the program of recovery.
Lots of thought provoking things here. I even 'hmm'd' outloud as I read it :) Great job with the phone meeting! Glad you're sticking to it. You've got lots of people behind you cheering you on!!!
ReplyDeleteliving a life of recovery for the rest of your life is on a completely different level from being an addict IMO. i can't see myself permanently labeled as: addict. because i dont define myself by my addiction. yes its something im struggling with, but its not who i am.
ReplyDeletei am a son of God and so much more and i wont always be a victim to this addiction but i will always be recovering from my addiction
Good point. It is a distasteful way to define yourself. I have always struggled with the label. (or any label for that matter). I think the key point is that we are susceptible and allergic to lust. We are mortals who must live by a spiritual program of recovery.
DeleteThank you so much for that last paragraph. It validated some thoughts I've been having. I read it yesterday and pondered it over... sometimes when I hear, "I'm just a guy" or "he's just a man" I get mixed up. I start to feel like maybe I'm being too harsh, but you're right. It isn't just that my husband is biologically wired to be attracted to women. It's so much more than that.
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